Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Sometimes knowing what something isn't is just as valuable as knowing what it is, and sometimes it just drives you more mad. News, whether good or bad or neutral, have a way of shifting your perspective and opening up new avenues of thought, ones you've never thought you'd go down otherwise. It's like when you put in a new pair of contacts, and the world has suddenly shifted to this bright and clear vision you've forgotten about.
So I've learned that I don't have any of the really bad things that could happen to an eye, after spending seven hours being poked and prodded and having bright lights dancing in front of me while trying to walk from one room to the other at the eye clinic. Unfortunately, all the specialists are still stumped as to what the whole thing might actually BE- they've spent the day ruling things out until I had work obligations I just couldn't skip out on.
It's back to the ER/eye clinic tomorrow for more tests. The docs, seeing that I was as calm as could be, at last told me they are now going to go in two directions. The first is testing for a benign "lens shift" (my German really needs some work- talk Latin to me, please, I can make sense of the terminology there) following the conjunctivitis I got after New Year's (not unusual for contact lens wearers, we normally have one or two of those a year and I didn't think anything of it). The second is that there might be something in my brain.
The second one... I can't even think about it. My brain is the one thing I've got going for me. I've always been "the smart one"- what if that changes? These are some thought pathways I won't be pursuing.
On the plus side, whichever option comes out on top, I can have LASIK with it.
And the vacation is still on, too. Whee!
Monday, January 14, 2013
I was working today, consulting my laptop screen as usual while talking to a client when I suddenly realized I couldn't read my file, at all. I turned my head further to the left, and voila, no problem.
Minutes later, same situation. I was scared to death- I was wearing my contacts and suddenly it was as though I had lost my left contact lens, but surreptitious checking in a reflective surface revealed it was still there.
I have suddenly lost visual acuity in one eye, to the amount of probably doubling my prescription (and I'm at more than -5 diopters normally). I can't see anything coming from the left at all now since I took out my contacts and have limited field of vision with my glasses on.
Called the ophthalmologist as soon as my client left, was given an emergency appointment and it was found out that at least it's (likely) not an inflammation of the optic nerve, retinal detachment or retinopathy.
It could be that the lens sort of "jumped" and moved around a little, or it could be an eye infection (I'm hoping for an eye infection- those are at least pretty easily treated), or an inflammation somewhere in the inner eye, or a complication associated with hypothyroidism.
I have to go to the ER of the big university ophthalmology center tomorrow very early in the morning and take some drops through the night in hopes the problem might resolve itself with a low-dose topical antibiotic. So far no luck, though, and I had to smile and chat through a dinner with clients and one of my firm's partners.
My nerves are shot right now. My eyesight is so bad already, but I was told I had until I was 60 before I'd go blind. I have to get through another two teleconferences tonight and will have to attempt to get some sleep sometime soon- there was very little last night and I'm so tired, but too wired and scared to rest right now (I have a two-hour window of nothing to do).
Pleasepleaseplease just be an infection or inflammation. I can so deal with wearing an eyepatch and taking ABs and will even extend that to eye salves (hate those). I need this to not be something that needs an operation to correct- it will ruin my chances of ever getting LASIK and therefore take a few years off my seeing anything clearly.
At least I'm outwardly zen- my freakouts happen in blog posts and behind closed doors, I can't afford to freak where my bosses or clients could see me.
Just wish me luck, please? This has kind of taken over my entire thought processes for now- I'll write more about my search for a PT later.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Watching The Biggest Loser, I could never work with any of the trainers apart from, maybe, Bob Harper. Leadership, to me, is leading by example. I never push anyone harder than I push myself, and I never shout if I can in any way help it. If I have to scream, I usually try to make it to the fire escape and just let go.
I get obstinate when shouted at. I've plopped down in the middle of a gym, on a planche, and refused to move on account of a trainer being shouty and, in my eyes, disrespectful. I either give my all, and expect the other person to respect that, or I can't. There's no inbetween. Shouting at me won't change it.
How these trainers expect anyone to do their hardest for them when all they do is heap abuse upon people TRYING is a mystery to me. I know it doesn't make for as good TV in many people's eyes, but somehow I think it might just help to... humanize everyone, from the contestants to the trainers.
Maybe being human isn't their goal.
But, as long as this is what I see as an example of a personal trainer, I'm terrified of actually getting one. I've been told it would be best for me by several trainers at the gym affiliated with my volleyball training (I went there for a few classes before Christmas)- they told me they couldn't devote the time needed to make sure I didn't push too hard while leading a class of twenty or more. I know it might be advantageous, especially as I'm going to be out of pt in just six weeks and need to continue careful rehab of the knee and leg, but... I can't deal with some wannabe drill sergeant shouting at me for being "slow" or "unwilling".
So, please, if any of you wonderful Spark Friends have any experience with a personal trainer and would be willing to share, I'd love to hear about it. I'm not going to make the time and money commitment from the examples I have. I can't have someone whose style is to shout at me to "give me five more!", or making me push hard enough to become unhealthy. Trouble is, my time as an athlete has destroyed my ability to distinguish when I have to stop- think of it as the off switch being damaged and only the kill switch function remaining.
I need a trainer who can work with that. But first, I need to know that such a trainer is out there. Someone to push, but also to stop pushing when it becomes dangerous. Someone to encourage but not coddle. Someone to give me an example to aspire to without being condescending.
Someone to lead by example.
Thanks in advance for your help!!!
(emphasis in training would be on endurance and flexibility with the obvious dash of strength training especially for the stabilizing muscles around the knee)
Friday, January 04, 2013
Tomorrow is the last full day I get to spend at home with all my loved ones around me. Tomorrow is the day my ex will be sent off to the airport (one of my cousins is driving him, thankfully), more likely than not never to cross my path again (we work in different areas of law in different cities).
I didn't miss him a single moment during these past two days. My family rallied around me like rabid cats and bit at anything trying to disturb our harmony. We invited some old classmates of my littlest brother over for dinner tonight, they should be arriving any minute now, in order to further bolster our forces.
I don't think the ex'll have the guts to stand against an army of more than 40 people.
He's a rather spineless creature after all. I switched off my German cell (the only number he's got), but apparently he got one of my brothers' numbers and harassed them about making me talk to him since I was "a bitch who just ran off without explaining why". When my brother threatened to call the family on him because he felt like he was facilitating the work of a stalker, he went whining about how he was the injured party here and this strange gaggle of geeks I call my family should have just shut up and left us alone a lot more; he said that they were interfering busybodies who didn't think it was right that he had a greater claim on me (it isn't, of course, and there is no greater claim on me than by family!), that my brother was a prime example of all that was wrong with them, that I was just confused and mistaken and would come to my senses sooner rather than later, that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, that he was the only one who'd ever care for me... and so on.
Brother just hung up, mostly. He was persistent enough to cost him and entire cellphone battery charge.
Sorry, didn't know I was beholden to you, EX. Shut up, suck it up, go home, try your dubious "charms" on the next female (who'll send you packing posthaste, I bet!).
Anyway, the whole stupid thing will be over tomorrow and I'll be back to concentrating on what really counts: My family, my career, my Spark experience and reaching my goals. Nobody to interfere anymore!
Thanks for bearing with me with these posts- I'll need to rant a few more times. I don't dare do it to the geek squad because they'll manage to cause bodily harm, by whatever untraceable means. Not kidding.
These blog entries will remain on rant mode until I can give a final estimate on when I won't be angry anymore. Not likely it will be all too soon, since being treated like a possession and a dumb little girl is among my pet peeves.
*hugs* I love you, though, my Spark friends, please don't doubt that even if these words sound like I'm the most bitter and angry person on the planet.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
Warning! angry rant!
I warned you....
I don't believe so...
Last chance at turning back...
You didn't want it any other way. Here's it:
I broke up with my BF today.
He's perfectly nice. He treats me perfectly gentle. He's (mostly) listened to what I tell him (and vice versa, of course).
He spent four days with the geek squad and didn't even ATTEMPT to find them anything other than utterly ridiculous. He didn't WANT to so much as TRY to fit in.
My family is large, boisterous, hard to understand. There are six languages spoken at all times (I only speak four). We are rambunctious, childish, curious, a puppy pile of grown-ups, teens and children with more topics and areas of interest than fits in a library.
He's rather... German at the most opportune of times. I tried my best to integrate him, tried my best to make his hobbies just as much a part of the geek squad mealtimes as our multitude of interests.
Most of my families are scientists or have a scientific mindset, so naturally discoveries and progress in every one of the sciences is a big topic of conversation. We ALL read some about his interests (mostly history of sports, the Olympics and Paralympics in particular), and we had a few nice discussions involving these things, but he had NO interest and NO will to as much as read a single Nature article and not a shred of knowledge on ANY of the topics we discussed, and it was an embarrassment and an exercise in patience and frustration for me to listen to "I'm bored" being whispered in my ear every. FEW. SECONDS!!!
So, we tried him out on our sports endeavors. There wasn't much we could talk to him about so we took him surfing (not-so-perfect waves, but he was a catastrophe on two legs on a board and offended when we gave him pointers), playing tennis (he was offended because my uncle trashed him), rollerskating (moaning about the "heat"), walking on the beach ("Can't you just stop looking for shells and cuddle?"), billiards (offended because I trashed him) and darts (offended because brothers AND I trashed him). Nothing much there.
We tried to talk to him about music (nothing). About art (nothing). About movies (didn't know our favorites, we didn't know his but while he could wax poetic about HIS we weren't allowed to so much as mention the plot of one of ours before he was bored).
My family DOES have money. His doesn't really. He was constantly shocked/amazed/jealous of the things I grew up with, things that my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and yes, even myself, worked d@mned hard for. The jealousy was a little hard to take- YOU want to go the professor route. YOU didn't want to face up to the demands of having a high-pressure job. YOU wanted the safety of working for the government instead of having 16-20 hour days. YOU can work on your d@mn degree, YOU can study and make the grade and finish up your J.D.
Just because I'm working like crazy at trying to achieve my dreams (which I've had ever since I gave up on becoming an astronaut) doesn't mean you get to be jealous of me for it!
Oh, and next piece of advice: STOP WHINING AT ME THAT I'M SMARTER THAN YOU! I KNOW I'M F*CKING SMART, IT'S MY THING!!! It's not a reason for you to become a whiny two year-old whose plaything pet has just turned out to have a mind of its own and started biting because you pulled its tail! It's not a lot of fun being a girl and having a brain. It's the main source of most of the bullying I've been through. BF trying to make me feel responsible for something I have no control over, something that has caused me as much grief as it's given me an advantage when I thought I'd finally met someone for whom it was of no greater consequence has thrown me into a funk which had my brothers concerned. Cue not-so-pleasant times for BF.
They utterly destroyed him in every single argument they had forthwith, double-teaming and just undermining his rhetoric until he wasn't capable of even an ad-hominum comment.
In short, it was a catastrophe having him meet the family.
I broke up with him this morning when my (80 year-old!!!) Gran made a wonderful, Continental breakfast for 36 (!!!) people; he shuffled in early (OK, jetlag) to me being non-verbal pre-coffee (holiday mode) and just giving him a kiss while helping Gran bring out the spinach souffle, stuffing his face not waiting for anyone else, giving me a perfunctory kiss and shuffling off for a shower without a single word of thanks to the person who had gotten up at 4:30am to make his having breakfast at this early time possible. WTH? It's OK if you don't fit in right away. It's OK if you snark at me and say I'm strange and say that you neither understand me or my family. It's OK if you attempt to humiliate me and want to have that feeling of power when feeling inadequate (because I'm going to point that out and not take it, and be defended by the gaggle of geeks). It's even OK to say you feel intimidated and don't like them very much.
It's NOT OK NOT TO THANK MY 80 YEAR-OLD GRAN FOR LABORING FOR HOURS JUST SO YOU CAN EAT. You don't have to like someone to respect their work and thank them for it. You don't even have to respect it or them to thank them for it, because just the fact that it was done, for YOU, is enough to deserve thanks from anyone with the slightest modicum of manners.
This was the end of the whole relationship thing- weighed down in the little things, hindered by a lack of willpower.
My parents, wonderful, amazing, beautiful people that they are, are paying for a hotel room for him until he leaves on Saturday. Can't thank them enough.
Oh, and a final word from someone still fuming and angry: DON'T WHINE! I don't really make impulsive decisions, most everything I do is well thought-out and whining at me isn't going to make me change my mind, on the contrary- being a whiny crybaby makes me glad I ditched you.
And I'm not going to miss the creepy staring. Or the constant demands for sex and physical affection and reassurance and confirmation that he's the manliest man, no matter how tired, exhausted, physically incapable I am. Or being treated like a stupid child whenever I make a cultural blunder. Or an overreacting, emotional stupid person when I fly off the handle at the world while hammering on my piano after dealing with a full day of obstacles and obstructive actions.
Being single is glorious. Especially if I'm among the geek squad. Feel free to tell me I didn't deserve him OR his kindness, but fact is: I bent over backward trying to accommodate him, educated myself on his interests and hobbies while he had NO such intentions from the start.
Lesson learned: Next time, insist that guy you're dating knows what the letters MCU mean.
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