Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Do you ever hear a song at the perfect moment and go "that is what I needed today?" Well Taylor Swift's new video for Shake It Off gave me such a laugh that I needed! You can love her or hate her, I actually really don't care, but I do like a few of her songs. But seeing her dance around without a care in the world gave me a laugh that I so desperately needed. It also gave me a renewed attitude. I don't need to worry about what others (the negative ones especially) have to say about me, I don't have to worry about things I can't control, I just need to "shake it off" and take care of me!
So that is what I am doing. I am still struggling to get back on track, but I am putting an action plan in place. The two areas of my life that I want to get in control are my weight loss (food/exercise) and getting my house clean and organized. I won't bore you with all the tedious details of my plan, because I'm sure no one really cares... but the way I've decided to break it down is by minutes. I want to assign a certain amount of minutes to each thing. So XX amount of cleaning and exercise. Then I will have calorie goals and glasses of water goals to keep track of those things.
I also am going to have a master list for my cleaning. When it is time to work my minutes for cleaning, I don't want to have to sit around and ponder what I am going to do. So I am going to make a master list of all the things I have to get done. To make it more "fun and interesting", I might assign a number to each task and then pick the number out of the hat and do the listed chore. Hey, whatever works, right?
I am also giving up the scale for the time being. My next weigh in will be September 16th. I have put on almost 10 pounds with all of my "off track-ness" and it is to a point where it's overwhelming me. So stepping away from it right now is important. It will also help me make good decisions because when I get on the scale I will want to see that it has been going in the right direction. After that I want to weigh in every other Tuesday. This is coming from a chronic daily (and sometimes 3 times a day weigher) so this is going to be a big challenge but I'm going to work on it.
I can feel the blahs starting to lift and that song by Taylor Swift (especially the video) just makes me want to sing and dance like a fool, and you can't feel blah while you are acting a fool!
Monday, August 18, 2014
I did a blog like this back in July. The difference between a blog like this and my "regular blogs" is that I am uncensored... I am always honest on Spark with ALL of my blogs... but I am also very aware that I am writing a BLOG for lots of people to see. So I might leave out certain things that might come off wrong or that are too personal. So when I do these uncensored things, I just share EVERYTHING. These blogs can be a bit jumbled, but sometimes it helps me to just put it all out there. Right now I am still struggling with the habits, but also with a lot of negative talk. So forgive me in advance if this blog is a total mess. You may want to skip it and come back to my regular scheduled programming in the future.
One thing that I have noticed lately, is that my life is not any different after losing 90 pounds. I think years ago, I thought losing the weight would "fix everything". If it was my "only problem" in life, then everything else had to be 's and 's if I could just lose the weight. That thinking was so far off base. When I restarted Spark in March of 2012, I finally realized I had to throw that thinking out the window. Losing weight would make me a healthier person, it would make me a smaller person, it had the potential to make me a more active person (not having to lug around the weight was a great incentive to move more), but that was about it. Everything else about my life is pretty much the same. Losing weight didn't make me "happier". I used to have this internal dialogue that would replay in my head... it would say "I will be happy when I lose this weight". There are several things wrong with that thought process, the most alarming is that I WILL be happy when I lose the weight... sort of implying I'm not happy now. Or not allowed to be happy til I lose the weight. I deserve to be happy now, not later. I deserve to be happy fat, skinny or in between. Losing the weight could add to my happiness, the fact that I am proud of losing the weight is definitely a positive, but it wasn't going to make me some happy-amazing person with 's shooting out my tushy.
So I think that is something I am trying to settle into. I lost 90 pounds, I am sure proud of it... but I am the same girl in a smaller body with smaller clothes. I am happy about the health benefits, but I have to be happy for me because I want to be happy. The same things that got me down or made me sad still make me sad... even the weight loss stuff.
I will tell you that I really do struggle from time to time with being upset about my body. I am being open and honest with you here... It is really hard to lose all this weight, to work so hard, and still be uncomfortable in your own body. My arms are jiggly (not that bad all things considered), my thighs are uncomfortable, hangy, saggy and just a mess. My tummy is very uncomfortable, it hangs, I get sweaty underneath it and in all honesty it is truly a hazard physically and emotionally. Now before you say "don't be so hard on yourself", I want you to know that I don't think about these things constantly. But I do get down from time to time knowing what I put my body through. Gaining all this weight comes with some consequences, mentally, physically, and health-wise. I can get down to a nice "normal" weight, but I will never have the body of a "normal person".
At 28 years old that can be a hard pill to swallow. I am fortunate enough that I can afford to get a tummy tuck, and I plan to do that October of next year. That is the thing that bothers me the most, and I truly believe it is a necessity. If I don't have it removed, I know the hanging skin will cause rashes and sores. So I am grateful that I will be able to do that. But that does not mean that I won't be left with many reminders of the weight I have lost.
So just being honest here, that gets me down from time to time.
The last 2 things that have been plaguing me recently and in the past is... my mind still likes to think I'm 200+ pounds. I was 205 pounds at age 18, so even when I tell my coworker my weight, I often start with a 2, "Oh, after Vegas I'm back up to two-eighty... I mean one-eighty-seven." My mind has not fully caught up to it yet, and I think that can make this journey even harder at times. There is a lot of research that says your mind can take a couple years to get caught up to the changes your body has made. The transition isn't easy, and it seems to be a long one.
The other thing is that "slippery slope" mentality. I am up about 6 pounds from Vegas. Anyone else would say "it's just 6 pounds, I'll work hard and get it back off and move on." The in my mind says "Wow, you gained 6 whole pounds in a week?! That is awful. That is just a stones throw away from gaining 60 pounds back. Why wouldn't you gain back the weight you lost? Every single time you have lost the weight you have gained it ALL back, plus more!"
That is what I have messing with my head right now. I know that 6 pounds gain doesn't have to result in gaining back 90 pounds. That's not logical, and it is quite a huge leap from 6 pounds to 90 pounds... but in my mind sometimes it feels like they are just right there. Like in a week I could wake up at my starting weight.
Again, I know that it's not rational, but sometimes it takes a lot of strength and courage to shut those voices down. Logically I know that I can get these 6 pounds off, that I am not going to gain all my weight back (I refuse to let that happen), that I can get back on track, one day at a time. I know that this is just a bump in the road and that I have had many and that I will eventually get past it. But sometimes this stuff is hard! It can be such a battle internally and there is nothing worse than feeling like you have to battle yourself, or in this case my inner fat girl!
So there you have it, Steph-knee Uncensored: Volume 2! It wasn't pretty, and some of the stuff in the deep dark corner of my mind are far from 's and 's, but it is a part of my journey and a part of what I am dealing with at the moment. I know this "blah time" will pass and that things will look up again. That i will get back to working hard and get the scale dropping again, but sometimes when you feel blah, the light at the end of the tunnel can seem a little far away.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Based on past experiences posting "negative/blah" things, I have to start with a disclaimer LOL! I know everyone here does their best to help and be supportive, but sometimes we can get the wrong impression from a post. So I just wanted to say that I am generally a very happy person... right now I am feeling blah and this post will reflect that, but it is not how I feel on a day to day basis. Why the disclaimer? Because the last thing I need to hear when I am having a blah day is that I may "suffer from depression" or "need to see the psychologist"
But enough about that... today I just feel like this:
I feel very overwhelmed right now... it started with ants crawling all over my kitchen the day that I left for Vegas. I know several people who have been fighting the ant battle, and boy is it a pain. So I came back from Vegas to have to continue the ant battle. It is getting better, and hopefully there is an end in sight soon. But that just drove me bonkers!
My house is clutter central these days! I really need to clean it, but again, overwhelmed. It's not like hoarders or anything, but it's not pretty and I think the problem is I feel like I don't know where to start. Then I feel like if I do a little something it wasn't enough, and I am not getting anywhere.
It is kind of like wanting to lose 100 plus pounds. It is overwhelming, but we have to start with baby steps. We aren't going to wake up 100 pounds thinner, and I am not going to wake up to a sparkling clean-organized house. But I still have to take those first steps to get the ball rolling. I have been putting a plan in place for what I need to do, but I can't seem to get past the first step.
The worst part is, when I get overwhelmed, I kind of shut down. It is so silly when I say it out loud, because it is like there are all these things I need to work on, things that need my attention, and I don't know where to start so I just don't do anything. That is definitely how I let my house get so out of sorts and it is how I got to my highest weight. By doing nothing. By sitting on the sidelines and just watching as things got worse and worse.
So with that said, I need to work on some baby steps. I still have been eating terribly even after returning from Vegas and it is really starting to scare me. I know we all have bad days and bad weeks... but I also know me. A bad day can turn into a week, then a month, then 6 months and before you know it I've gained back 40 pounds. That hasn't happened on my current weight loss journey (a little over 2 years) but that is what has happened on all my previous attempts. So I know that is a little dramatic, and it is quite a leap from gaining back 6 pounds to gaining back 60 pounds... but I also feel at times it can be a slippery slope.
So from here on out, I've got a clean slate. I really need it. It doesn't matter how I gained so many pounds in a week, it doesn't matter how my house got cluttered... what matters is what I do NOW. It also saddens me to say this, but I have to let go of the Disneyland goal. I am now 10 pounds away from it, original deadline was Monday. The "new deadline" was a week from that date. It just isn't happening. Truth be told I am going to Disneyland the first week of September, which totally sounds like a cop out, but I'm going LOL! I am really embarrassed to have to admit defeat, after everyone was so supportive and pulling for me to get there... but I have to let it go. If I continue to dwell on it, I will end up feeling even more sorry for myself, and that might lead me down a far worse path.
I am also going to work on getting away from the scale. Right now, when I am eating poorly, I need to kind of see it, I need the reminder that things are "off". In the past, avoiding the scale meant being in denial about my weight and not wanting to know the truth. But once I am back on track, I am really going to see about maybe doing a bi-weekly weigh in. Putting the scale in the garage in between weigh ins. I am a big believer that this is a lifestyle and it's forever, so I really need to find a way to focus on the healthy habits, nsv's and other forms of success and not let that scale mess with me. I have been saying I need "get away from the scale" for a very very long time, maybe this time I'll finally do it.
Here is my big question for all of you. When things are "out of sorts" or "overwhelming" in your everyday life, do you feel like things in your "weight loss world" get turned upside down, or vice versa?
The trend I am noticing with me personally, is that I either have it all together or I have total chaos. If things are going well in my everyday life, my food choices are spot on, my weight loss is good, my exercise is good and it's all in harmony. But when one piece of the puzzle goes missing, it seems like everything starts to go down with it. I was just wondering if anyone else had the same pattern, or even a totally opposite one. By sharing and learning about what others go through, it helps me learn even more about myself and how to do better.
Here's a funny and some of my newest "rainbow loom creations" LOL.
Minnie Mouse Pencil Topper:
Thursday, August 14, 2014
So I can't lie... there is a part of me that never wanted to mention the whole Vegas trip again. To just come back and move forward, start fresh and not look back. But I think part of what works for me is venting through blogging... it really gives me a sense of accountability and it helps me to take steps in the right direction again.
I really wanted to come back with a sparkling report of how I did in Vegas, but I can't do that. Even my recent status update said I did 5/7 good days in Vegas! Well, that is what I get for counting my chickens before they hatched. I won't bore you with each and very detail... but here is how my trip went in the terms of food.
Thursday: Followed my plan to the letter. Not just in calorie range, but followed my "Carb Nite" plan as well.
Friday: Ate a bowl of chili at lunch instead of a burger and fries, and demanded to be taken to the grocery store where I could stock up on some healthy choices, which I did. Huge victory of the day, eating my turkey sausage and veggies while others ate heaping bowls of ice cream. I felt unstoppable!
Saturday: I was fantabulous, on track with my Carb plan yet again, and feeling like nothing could possibly go wrong!
Sunday: The beginning of the end. Made it half way through the day before I got frustrated... It wasn't the carb plan (or lack of carbs) that had me frustrated. It was that everyone else was in "vacation eating mode" and I wasn't. Sunday was BAD! I mean like ate a box of macaroni and cheese and then had ice cream later bad.
Monday: Monday was iffy, it wasn't anything as bad as Sunday but it was bad.
Tuesday: This had been my planned "carb day", "treat day", "free day", whatever term you want to call it. We ate at the buffet and honestly, the food wasn't that great. I didn't eat much. But we ended up eating IHOP later that day, and I know my calories were through the roof.
Wednesday: It is still Wednesday for me as I type this, and I have done so horribly with eating fast food during our trip back I kind of want to cry. I know this may be a little dramatic but it's how I feel.
So I am definitely not 5/7. If anything I'm 4/7 if I want to count my iffy day on the good side of things. What I am fearing most is the days moving forward... let me tell you how a trip to Vegas would have been a couple years ago...
I would have started eating "off track" the week before, because "I'm pretty much already on vacation, right?" Every day in Vegas would have been the "ate a whole box of macaroni and cheese and then had ice cream later" kind of day. There would have been no trip to the grocery store, and no good days. There would have been a 5 pound gain by the time I came home... which of course could be turned around if you got back on track right away. But I would then spend the next 2 weeks "trying" to get back on track. That would lead to an entire month wasted, and up to a 10 pound gain.
So here is what I am telling myself moving forward:
Be proud of the 3-4 good days you had. In the past it would have been 0.
Be proud of the fact that you didn't eat off plan the week before you even left.
You have the power to start fresh now that you are home, and start counting the good days again.
Leave the past in the past. It's done, you can't change it. You didn't do as well as you would have liked, learn from it and try that much harder moving forward.
So there you have it, I had to put it out there so that I can accept it and move on. I am VERY worried about getting back on track now that I am home, but I know I can do it.
Sparky and I did get in a couple of walks, but my knee is inflamed badly from arthritis and really starting to hurt. The part that stinks is that it was flared up BEFORE I started eating badly, and was not having grains or many carbs. I have read that it can help inflammation but in my case it didn't save me from the inevitable. Although I am sure the awful eating now that it's already inflamed isn't helping matters either LOL!
So here's the lesson from Sparky. My Gammie has this tiny pet couch for her chihuahua Daisy... it is VERY small! My dog Sparky is about 40 pounds and would never fit on this tiny couch. Well we couldn't help but notice that he was laying on it, and taking a nap! It is kind of hard to see because it is dark and matches the carpet, so there is also a picture of what it looks like. Just remember it's small, made for a chihuahua! The lesson we can learn from Sparky is that if you put your mind to it, you can do anything you want!
Monday, August 04, 2014
First of all, thank you so much for all the kind comments I have gotten on my last few blogs! I only blog when I want to share something with all of you, and I have clearly had a lot to share this past week. I am just thankful you all aren't sick of me yet!
I will be the first to say that even though I know *I* am the one responsible for my weight loss, as I am the one doing the work... I truly believe that I wouldn't have been able to lose the weight without the support and encouragement from this Spark Community! Getting feedback, goodies and comments from all of you really keep me going, even on days where this gets really hard.
The other thing that amazes me, is how many of you have commented or asked about my Disneyland goal or rubber band ball! It amazes me that you remember I am doing that, let alone think to ask about that! It truly makes me feel like I am not alone in all of this, and that we are doing this together.
So here's the scoop on what has been going on:
I am currently day 2 back on track after the "1/2 binge"! I have to say, the fact that I stopped mid binge really gave me some much needed confidence when it comes to this weight loss journey. It reminded me I have the power to decide what I eat, how much I eat, and all of those good things. I know this is obvious, but in a binge you can kind of feel powerless like you "have to eat that food", and I realize now it is NEVER too late to stop a binge. I also have to say, that what I consider a "binge" at this point, would have been considered dinner a couple years ago. I would have eaten that food daily, as dinner, along with all my other meals. Now I can not eat that amount of food... I physically can't eat that much and mentally I don't WANT to eat that much, and that is a huge victory!
The Disneyland Goal: Okay, so the Disneyland goal isn't going so hot! Yes, I was down to 181.something last Wednesday, but it looks like I may very well have a gain this coming Wednesday. That is life and I am not super defeated by it, but with this Disneyland goal getting closer to the end, I can feel it slipping away. To meet the original goal, I would have to be 177 by August 18th, and no matter how hard I push, I don't think it's physically possible.
My coworker is a little over 3 pounds away and not sure she will make it in time either. So we had to make an executive decision. We decided that we really have been trying. We have had some slip ups and detours, but we have been consistently trying since we set the goal almost 3 months ago. So we have decided to tack on one extra week to the Disneyland weigh in. That sets our new "official weigh in" for Monday August 25th. Maybe, just maybe I will be able to meet the goal by then! I sure hope I can, and I am going to try my very hardest. She is closer to her goal than I am to mine, so I told her as an added incentive, if she makes her goal by the original date, I will pay for parking on her first trip and buy her a churro. (I promise I'm not a food pusher, we have been dreaming of that churro for months. ) I just figure if she hits the original goal, she deserves a bonus.
Either way we are getting excited to go to Disneyland, and we are determined to make it happen. I believe we are deserving of the extension, because despite bumps in the road, we have been working pretty hard!
Rubber band ball: I have not forgotten about my trusty rubber band ball. Each good day (under a set amount of calories), I have been adding a rubber band to the ball. It sure is growing. I did lose count of just how many rubber bands are on there, because I stopped counting the "good days", but it is fun to watch it grow! I will post a comparison picture of it when it gets a little bigger.
New hobby: So I have to say I have NEVER been crafty. I have always wanted to be, but was never very good at it. We found out about this Rainbow Loom that a lot of kids were using to make bracelets. My coworker and I decided to try it and enjoyed it. We have been following youtube videos to make various things. I attempted an elephant last night, and I actually did it! I surprised myself! I didn't think I could. The best part of this hobby? It keeps my hands busy, and if my hands are busy, I can't possibly be eating! It also has me interested in trying to crochet again. I tried it years ago and while I could follow the movements correctly, my tension wasn't the best and it would make whatever I was making look loose and not right. I know that comes with practice and I gave up too soon. So I am going to revisit that, as it is another way to keep my hands busy.
Here is what I made last night, Billy the elephant, named after my beloved elephant at the Zoo.
^I decided to make Billy a girlfriend, here's Bernadette!
We are having a lot of fun with this new toy, so it was definitely money well spent! We have a lot of down time at work, and this really helps pass the time!
So that is my update... it was supposed to be short, but am I ever short?! I hope everyone has a great week and is starting off August with a bang! I will be leaving for Vegas Thursday and not returning til Wednesday night, so if you don't see me around, that is why. It isn't because I've disappeared, you can't get rid of me that easily.
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