Saturday, November 01, 2014
The last few months I have been learning a lot about perspective. Choosing to look at things in a positive light is what has prevented me from giving up! Now I don't mean that we should sugar coat things, and bury our head in the sand when things aren't going well. That just creates even more problems, and that is how we can let a 5 pound gain spiral into a 50 pound gain. But I am talking about finding the positive in things, all while working on the things that aren't quite working.
I wrote a blog in December of 2013, and I said that I wanted to get to my goal of 160 pounds this year. Not only did I want to hit that goal, I wanted to be a little bit under so that I could have a little bit of a cushion going into the holiday season... as that is the roughest time for me to stay on track. Well it's no secret that hasn't happened... not even close actually!
When I wrote that blog at the end of December, I weighed 199.2 pounds. I had been lower than that, but with all the holiday madness I put on about 10 pounds. I am sitting here writing this at 184 pounds... which is obviously nowhere near 160. Would I prefer to be sitting here at goal weight? I can't lie, I think that would be amazing... but it was not my time.
I am really good about taking accountability for my actions, and my progress (or lack thereof). I will never make an excuse about how someone or something prevented me from losing weight. The answer to why I gained weight or didn't lose is always the same... because of MY choices. I know exactly what happened this past year. For starters, I was burnt out... March 2014 was 2 years on this journey, and that is a long time to be dealing with weight loss, tracking calories, getting healthier etc. I have to admit, I had some bouts of lazy off and on throughout the year... I just didn't put the effort in that I should have.
But some really great things had happened as well. I got my confidence back. I may not be at goal weight, but that doesn't mean that I can't be proud of where I'm at! I feel better than ever, I look better than I ever have... I am the smallest I have been in OVER 10 years. That is a lot to be proud of. I have gotten out more and really enjoyed life to the fullest. I have been to concerts, the zoo, Disneyland, Knott's... I have walked miles and miles without my knees killing me! I have not felt self conscious when I'm out in public, and I've been brave enough to venture out on my own... something I would have never done at my highest weight!
I've learned to be happy. I have learned that our weight doesn't define us, our weight should have no ties to our self esteem/self confidence and that we don't get take-sies back-sies in life. I don't get to go back to age 18 and do it all again. All those opportunities, all those times I chose to stay home and avoid certain situations... those are all gone. I can't get those back. But what I can do is learn from that, and take what I know now and use it to my advantage! I feel more like myself... I feel stronger and better than ever! I know that deep down I was always a fun girl, who wanted to go out and have a good time, who was funny (I have my moments ), caring and sweet. But I chose to let my weight hold me back. I could have been living life to the best of my ability at 272 pounds, but I chose not to. With that said, I will say there would have been certain physical limitations... at 272 pounds you can not fit into all the rides at Disneyland, and I certainly could not have walked 10 miles. But I also didn't have to take it to the extreme and sit on the sidelines of life for so long!
So did I waste most of the year maintaining and yo yoing the same 5-15 pounds? I could just to look at it that way, but I am choosing to look at the positives. I have not gained my weight back... I have kept off 80 pounds. I reached the 90 pounds lost mark, gained back about 12 pounds, but I am now just 3 pounds away from reclaiming that trophy. I have learned so much about myself and why I do the things I do. I know that when I see an all time low weight, I hit the panic button and start to sabotage myself. I know that despite my best efforts, the all or nothing attitude sneaks in and I can find myself turning a bad day into a horrible day. I know that despite boarding the doors shut, the Binge Monster can still pop in from time to time for a visit. I will say this though... I have gone 2 weeks without a single episode from the Binge Monster and have been in my calories each day. I am finding my groove, but I am not getting ahead of myself. I know I will mess up, because I am not perfect... but I am trying to learn to limit the damage and make the bad days fewer and farther between.
So instead of coming to you telling you how disappointed I am in myself for not reaching my goal weight... I am here to tell you that I am proud of myself for:
Not giving up!
Keeping my 80 pounds off!
Getting out and living life!
Getting my self confidence back!
Stepping out of my comfort zone, repeatedly!
For being the happiest and healthiest I've ever been!
Perspective can really change everything, so do your best to find the positives where you can... and if there aren't enough positives coming from your journey, figure out what you can tweak to do the best you can!
I am back to business, and doing my very best! My goals have not changed, and I am not settling for less. While I am feeling good, I still want to hit my goal weight of 160 (and if I can get into the 150's, I wouldn't be mad ;), learn to maintain and have my tummy fixed. That is a choice I have made for myself and know it is the best decision for me. So I just gotta keep at it, one pound at a time!
And for funsies, here's my Sparky on Halloween... to quote Karen in Mean Girls.... "I'm a mouse, duh!"
Thursday, October 30, 2014
I had to go back and look through my blogs to see when I bought these size 14 jeans. I remember I bought a size 14 and a size 12 because at that point I was in about a 16/18. I thought it would be a good goal to have to fit into the jeans. Well, I found the date... it was November 17th! My first instinct was to look at the glass half empty, despite my best efforts to be positive. A year, an entire year, wasted?! Okay, so not wasted, maintaining, let's just say I hope I'm a champion maintainer, because I've had a ton of a practice. But it is hard to see that all that time has passed and I haven't made much progress... or have I?
I knew I had the jeans, but never bothered trying them on. They weren't even close to fitting and I hadn't lost any significant weight since purchasing them. According to my Spark records I was 192.4 when I bought them... My "official" weigh in is Thursday afternoon when I wake up, but I am hovering right now around 185-186... not a huge change in terms of weight.
So I was up in my room, looking around trying to find something to wear to Medieval Times this coming Tuesday... needless to say I don't have very many "nice" things to wear. I refuse to buy any really nice clothing because I plan to under grow them. I have bought a lot of stuff, in terms of tshirts, and I always make sure to buy them either already snug or slightly too small so that I can have them for a long time. A tshirt you can wear when it's too big, but that doesn't work with everything. So I thought oh what the heck, why not try the size 14 jeans on and see how close I am to wearing them.
I will say these jeans were probably a little stretchy and forgiving... and my hangy stomach put up quite a fight, but I was able to put them on, and button them all while standing up. I will admit I had to lay down to get the zipper to cooperate, but it still counts!
When I started this thing, a size 14 sounded amazing... especially since I was a size 24! But now I can't help but think, with a little more work I will be a comfortable 14 (instead of a sausaged 14), and maybe after the excess skin is removed from my tummy I could even be a size 10! A size 14 was something I wanted to achieve, a size 12 was something I hoped I could do and a 10 was a dream that I didn't think I could achieve. But now I am thinking I can go for it!
At the end of the day, I am not letting a number (weight or size) define me, and that is not what this journey is about. I just wanted to look better, feel better and become healthier... and that is what I am doing. But I also think it is important to celebrate these little victories.
I bought boots way back when I bought those jeans, to wear together, and since the jeans never fit the boots have been in the box... so come this Tuesday I will get to wear them both. Here are the beautiful boots:
I don't have a picture of me and the jeans just yet, but I will for sure be taking pictures with my friend on Tuesday at Medieval Times and will be so proud to share them with you all!
The one thing I want to leave you with is this: The most important thing you can do is find the positives in your journey! If I would have just gone with my gut, I would've let the fact that a year passed really affect me and prevent me from pushing toward my goals. Instead I am choosing to look at the fact that clothes that wouldn't fit a year ago now fit (sort of LOL), and that I haven't given up. I have kept off 80 pounds. Had I not continued to try, I could have easily gained back 60 pounds in a year and be fighting that battle again. We all have our ups and downs, but I know that we can all find AT LEAST 1 thing that we are doing right and that we are proud of. If we weren't here on Spark people making an effort, we might be much heavier than we are right now. So find 1 thing to be proud of, and pat yourself on the back for it because you are
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Okay, so Knott's Scary Farm isn't exactly paradise, but it sure was a blast! It was our shortest trip yet, just about 3 hours there once the park had opened, but we had done 3 mazes right away, went Zombie Hunting early... found my monster girlfriend who I just adore, walked 6 miles, did 2 more mazes, rode in the Sky Cabin, walked through the fog several times and got to take a picture with the Headless Horseman! It is funny to think it was our shortest time there, but yet it was our best. We got to see so much, and it is hard to find the Headless Horseman, so to get a pic with him was just so awesome!
Despite my bruises and everything I wasn't in a ton of pain... so I am thankful for that. The bruises of course are worse today, worse before better right? I sure hope so. I am just so thankful it wasn't worse and that I didn't seriously injure myself.
Other than that, all is going right in the world. Some plans have changed for my vacation, but my Florida trip is coming and I am excited for that. I won't get to go head to Vegas to visit my Gammie but she will be coming down here, so I still get to visit... without all the tempting food Vegas has to offer. I have plans to go to the zoo and Disneyland 2-3 times while I'm off for a month... is it November 6th yet?! I kind of feel like Halloween has passed already since I have done so many Halloweenie things, but I look forward to cuddling with Sparky and watching some scary movies come this Friday.
But first, my Luke Bryan concert is tonight! (Sunday) I am headed there all alone and not even the least bit nervous about it! It was just last May I was panicked I might have to go to a concert alone, and now here I am CHOOSING to go alone. Life is changing, for the better, and I am enjoying every bit of it!
Here's our Zombie Hunting photos... we did it so early that I managed to get on the leaderboard, but my glory was short lived!
The Headless Horseman, so awesome!
I heart this girl, she is such a doll... nicest "monster" ever.
^"Where's the kitty?!" I was so bummed, no kitty cat this time!
This is our buddy Juan from last time, he's a hoot!
Random other adventures:
Edit: Just for funsies, here's Lukey!
Friday, October 24, 2014
So I mentioned before that I was quite embarrassed because I felt like I was always coming up with these new ideas and plans, getting super excited about it, telling all of you, and then finding out it wasn't for me a few short days or a week later. You were all so supportive (as always), and said that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. I am just trying to figure out how to lose the rest of this weight... and while I wanted to stick to what has got me this far (calorie counting/portions/healthy lifestyle), I felt like I really needed to be held accountable.
Spark people is great for support and accountability, and I never want to leave here (and don't intend to), but I felt like I really needed some face to face accountability. I have tried everything in the past (Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig)... and didn't stick with any of them. But I didn't want to follow something that gave me the food... I have learned how to eat, I know what to do, I'm just not always doing it. I figured Weight Watchers was the closest to what I'm doing, only difference being they count points instead of calories. I found a deal where I could have 3 months at 50% off, and I figured what the heck! So I signed up, I went last Thursday for my initial weigh in and meeting. I really enjoyed the leader... she is kind of a no nonsense lady, and she is supportive but will also ask you the tough questions if you aren't seeing the results you "should" be getting. I liked her so much, it made me want to work the program and come back and show her that I know how to do it.
I told them my history, how much weight I had lost, how I've essentially maintained the last year but that I was ready to lose this last 30ish pounds. My exact words were "I know how to do this, but clearly I'm NOT doing it" LOL. They liked my honesty and were super supportive.
So today I went back for my first week weigh in and for their records I lost 5.6 pounds! Of course this is water weight, and bloat especially since I was off track for the week prior, but who doesn't like to lose the bloat? I have enjoyed learning about their points system, and it has actually gotten me to eat more fruits and veggies so that is a plus.
I think knowing that someone will be weighing me in at the end of the week helped remind me to make good decisions. So this week I got a bookmark with a 5 pound sticker, they celebrate every 5 pounds.
This is my sticker, the weekly pamphlet they give you, and a necklace I bought myself as a treat.
I didn't buy myself the necklace as a reward for losing 5 pounds, I bought it for not giving up on myself. I have been at this over 2 1/2 years and not given up. They had 3 that I really liked, one said "Believe" and one said "Fearless", I thought those both were awesome. I feel kind of fearless lately and I am finally starting to believe I can do this. But the one I ultimately chose said "Dream". No matter where we are at, we can always continue to dream... plus I love Cinderella so that was a plus!
I kind of feel like this is a shiny new extension of my journey. Yes I have lost 80ish pounds, and yes I am proud of that and will always be... but that is kind of old news at this point. The new news is that I need to lose this last 30-35 pounds and get to goal so I can learn the art of maintenance. So that is how I'm looking at this Weight Watchers journey. I am still proud of myself for what I've accomplished, and will never forget how far I've come, but now is time to focus on what I am going to achieve now!
In other news I took a tumble last night walking Sparky. My biggest concern was that Sparky was going to get away from me! I dropped the leash when I fell and I think I grabbed it back right away, but I frantically called him back. He ran right to me. We were on a main street, and he goes crazy when people on a bike go by, and scarily enough a guy came along on a bike AFTER I had Sparky close to me. Had he gone by when I lost control of the leash who knows what could have happened. Aside from that, I managed to hurt both wrists, both knees, my shoulder and hit my head on the cement. Okay, that sounds awful, but the good news is I'm okay. I called my mom, she came and got me. I've been icing my knees and I'm so thankful I didn't break anything. It was a hard and fast fall... where you didn't even have time to realize you were falling, eek! I really want to go to Knott's Scary Farm Friday night, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to, but I'm hoping for the best. But I won't push my luck!
I've been calling it my baby zombie bite, it sounds way cooler!
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Giving you new perspective! My awesome Spark Friend Marilyn (AMarilynH) had brought something to my attention. She asked me to take one of my before and after collages, and add a 3rd picture to it. The thing of it is, the 2nd and 3rd pictures are a year apart... but I am pretty much the exact same weight. But she asked me to do it because she said I look a lot smaller... I couldn't really understand how that would be possible, given that they were at the same weight.
So here are the 3 photos...
And here's a bigger version of the 2 photos that are a year apart...
I will say that part of it may be that I was wearing stretchy pants and in the newer ones wearing jeans... but I can actually see quite a difference in my face. My face has definitely slimmed down in the past year. So I weigh about the same, but I can do so much more. I also can't help but say that some of it has to be my loose skin, because I do have that on my tummy for sure... I am also hoping that somewhere along the way I've built some muscle (from all the walking) so just maybe that has helped.
The biggest change of course is the smile and I really feel like I have more confidence now. I am happier than ever and I think that shows through. I also have to say, after Universal last year, my knees were swollen and I was in pain for over a week. This time I am doing multiple trips to places where I am walking 7-10 miles and heading back the very next week to do it again. I could have never done that at this time last year, and for that I am grateful.
The scale is moving back down, and I plan to get to my goals, but big thanks to Marilyn for having me look at things in a new light. Instead of thinking "Gosh, I'm STILL where I was this time last year", I am looking at the positive and the facts that I've come a long way in the last year, even if the scale isn't so sure.
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