Friday, December 19, 2014
Or can I? I feel like I'm stuck in the Pit Of Despair... and that I've been there so long that I'm thinking about redecorating. That is definitely not the right attitude, I should be planning my escape, not deciding which blinds would brighten the place up... it's the pit of despair, nothing can make it pretty. It's amazing how things can snowball out of control, and get away from you so quickly.
I know in the last week, I have been sick (I've been exceptionally whiny about it too LOL), and then as of yesterday my poor dog Sparky started limping. I am watching him again today and trying to discourage him from jumping and going up and down the stairs but he doesn't listen. My mom says to give it another day or 2 and then I'm probably going to have to take him to the vet. He hates strangers so that is going to be pretty bad lol. So I am worrying about that... so it's been a crummy week... so what?
That doesn't give me a license to eat, it doesn't give me a license to stop caring about what is important to me. Even if I don't feel that way this week, or frankly the last month and a half, weight loss and becoming healthier is something that is typically a priority for me.
I think part of it is just a funk. Ask anyone who has been in the weight loss game for a long time (I'll hit the 3 year mark in March) and boy can you get burnt out. Especially when you take into account that this is a lifestyle change that doesn't end. I know it shouldn't feel like work, and maybe one day I will be in that happy place where it is just "who I am" and it doesn't take much thought for me to keep up with it... but that hasn't happened yet. 3 years is a long time but you know what else is a long time? Almost 26 years of being a fast food eating couch potato. Those habits are still ingrained in me, and the more healthy habits I made, the less and less I resorted to those old habits. But they are still there and they come back with a vengeance when I least expect it.
I know what to do, I know how to do it, I've done it... so what's the problem? That is what I am working on to get to the bottom of it. I can sit here all day long and talk about what I need to do, but until I actually do it I'm not getting anywhere. I wish planning burnt calories, if it did I'd be a size 2.
I was reminiscing with a good friend, and I figured out part of this funk has to do with burnout and missing that shiny/new feeling. 2012 was the year I started this and it was a great year, I believe it was the 1st year in which I lost the most weight, and everything was so exciting. That feeling is long gone and it is really hard to find that excitement again. So even though nothing will ever feel like that very 1st year, I am going to do my best to sprinkle some fairy dust on 2015 and hope that it can at least have a sparkly feel to it, even if it isn't a new one.
I'm caught in a trap, but I can start climbing out little by little. You have to crawl before you walk, walk before you run (Okay time out, I NEVER run... unless I'm chasing Pluto across Main St. ;), you catch my drift.
So with that said no more nonsense, I'm going to start crawling now, and hope to be up to a brisk walk soon. These are the action steps I have in mind, no more talking the talk, it's time to start walking the walk!
Step 1: No more fast food/candy/soda
I know you mean well, but don't lecture me on this one... I don't need to hear "You can make healthy choices while eating fast food" or "it's better to have one piece of candy or else you will think about it all the time or crave it" and that "giving these things up will only make me want it more". I am all about things in moderation, but I am here to tell you I will NOT eat one or two pieces of candy, I will eat 10 and then look for a donut. I will not eat a salad, I will eat a double cheeseburger and fries and something else.... and I will polish off a 2 liter in 2 days. So for me, eliminating these things and learning to live without them, at least for now is very important and that is why it's my 1st step.
Step 2: Tracking everything! I used to be a champion tracker but I've gotten lazy and I've also been in denial, I didn't want to see the damage I was doing. Well that jig is up because I am seeing the damage in my weight gain, so enough is enough.
Step 3: Stop looking for a better way! Every time I get in a funk, I start to google various diets, programs etc. I know good and well there is only one way to do this, calorie counting/restriction and exercise, but I am always convinced there is something better that is hiding. I feel this way when I am in a funk and I need to let it go. My way works, I just need to do my way. The best plan is one you can stick with!
Step 4: Get back to walking daily. My fitbit is having an issue where it won't sync, but a replacement is on it's way (thanks fitbit)... Hopefully my Sparky and I will both be healthy soon and can get back to our walks. I know he misses them terribly.
Step 5: Start building back up my confidence. The past month and a half has been bad, and 272 pound Stephanie is in the corner giggling saying "I knew you'd never be able to keep this weight off", I can't let her win and I have to prove her wrong. Each healthy day that goes by I will remember that I can do this... and do this I will!
I have bigger and more structured plans, but that is for the brisk walk phase. So right now I will focus on crawling out of this hideous pit, and getting back out into the world with the happy, healthy people!
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
I am going to tell you why so many weight loss journeys fail. They either never make it past the first week, or they make it to a certain point (3 months, 30 pounds lost, etc.) before life throws the person an unexpected curve ball and everything gets destroyed! I'm just gonna call it like I see it: This crap is hard! There, I said it! On the surface it sounds easy... and anyone who just tells you to "eat less and move more" clearly hasn't been severely overweight or had an issue with food. The mental part of this process is sooooo much harder than the physical, and no one takes the time to explain that to you.
The thing is, there is no perfect time to lose the weight. We always want it to be something... "Well I have to start on Monday, no one starts a diet on a Wednesday", or "I will wait until the 1st of the month", and of course the BIG one is coming "I will start January 1st, new year, new me!"
We also want to start our plan AROUND everything else. "I can't do it before XX holiday" or "I am going to dinner for Luke's birthday on Friday, so I'll have to start the following Monday."
If this sounds like you, rest assured I am not mocking you... in fact, I was you. Before I restarted this in March of 2012... every time I wanted to start, something would happen. I would have too many dinners out coming up, or a trip to Vegas and I'd have to wait 2 months to start. Then I'd start for a month, maybe 3 months at most and something would happen... I'd go on vacation, I'd get sick, life would throw me some curve ball and I would lose my footing and throw it all away. But that perfect time doesn't exist. Life is full of surprises, good and bad... and conditions are not always going to be perfect for weight loss.
We aren't always going to be on track, we aren't always going to be in our calories or get in that workout, but how we react to these bumps in the road are either going to make us or break us. Remember that all these amazing people that we all look up to so much because they lost XXX amount of weight and kept it off are human too. They slip up, they overeat from time to time, they skip a workout or gain back 5-10 pounds... but they never quit. They always get back to this because it's a healthy lifestyle. A healthy lifestyle doesn't wait til January 1st, or a Monday, it happens NOW.
Now with that said, if YOUR plan is to get things rolling on January 1st, that's okay, YOU have to know what works for YOU... but at least promise me one thing? You'll do your best to keep the damage minimal between now and then. You don't want to start January 1st 5-10 pounds heavier than you are now, I know you don't because I am living that already and it's not fun.
I have been sick now for 4 days and I am so exhausted. My healthy eating went out the window and the exercise plan I wanted to start has to wait... it frustrates me, but that is LIFE. It just goes to remind me there will always be an excuse not to do this, and I have to do my best not to let those things stand in my way.
In other news, I'm trying to refocus on a goal that I was within 10 pounds of, but slipped up and went the other direction. I was very close to hitting the 100 pounds lost mark, and that is the most exciting goal I've had to reach since landing in Onederland. I have a long way to go now, thanks to my eating LOL. 24 pounds to hit my 100 pounds lost mark and 27 pound to hit the 160's for the first time. But you know, first I need to get back into the 180's, then land in the 170's for the first time... baby steps. But sometimes thinking ahead excites me. So I bought that shirt to wear to Disneyland to meet Cinderella, it is a little snug, but it might just be the perfect shirt to wear for my 100 pounds lost mark. I don't have many "before" photos because I often didn't let people take photos of me, especially not full body shots.... so the one of me and Cinderella from years is ago is the main one I go off of. So I am thinking that will be a nice motivator and a nice thing to look forward to. My luck, the day I go Cinderella won't be there but I always have my annual pass to try again.
I am looking for opinions and ideas on this... I was thinking do I just go and let the picture speak for itself... or do I maybe print out my before photo and we could hold that too... I was thinking that might be weird, but I'm weird and I am not afraid of being looked at funny... but I thought if I did that I could write with a marker on the back of it 100 lbs lost and we could take one of me holding it with her and then flip it over to have that, and then of course take one regular pic. I know they work at Disneyland so they HAVE to be nice to me, I'm just not sure if I want to do something like that or if I just want to take my pic and be quiet about the reasons behind it lol. I am open to opinions and suggestions, even if it's "Don't say anything, you'll look crazy!!"
Edit: Davis_6311 pointed out that you probably won't really be able to see the photo, that is so true! I am thinking maybe I could just tell her, or even show her the old photo on my ipod so she knows what I'm doing, and maybe she could make a 1 with her hand and I could make two 00's with mine so it reads 100... that might be neat...and of course take a regular picture too! :) Good thing this will be months down the line so I have plenty of time to decide! *giggles*
Sunday, December 14, 2014
I have done it again, hit rock bottom... but this time is different! In the past, hitting rock bottom came after regaining all the weight I had lost, and then MORE. It was admitting I was at an all time high weight, and realizing I needed to do something about it. I lost 40 pounds 3 times in my life, only to gain them back and then some. When I started in March of 2012, I decided this was going to be the final time losing this weight, and that rings true today. But a couple days ago, I felt like I hit rock bottom.
I have gained back about 12 pounds, 15 from my lowest, I felt heavy, defeated, crushed, sluggish and just all around ICKY! Normally there is nothing positive about hitting rock bottom, but I actually was quite excited when I really thought about it. You see, this time, rock bottom came early! It didn't wait for me to regain all my weight... in fact I still have close to 80 pounds off. That in itself is a miracle. I realized that it was a blessing that this is happening now, and not when I gain back 80 more pounds. I have to say, I think I am a strong person, but I also feel like I would not be strong enough to lose all of this weight again. If something happened, and I was forced to start again from 272 pounds, I really don't think I could do it. I think that is why this is happening now. I know that I can't let it get that far out of control, because I don't think I can bounce back from it. 10 or 15 pounds? No big thing, I will get it off again... but I can't say the same about 50-80 pounds.
When I made it into Onederland, I vowed that I would never leave again. With the exception of a fluctuation or 2, I never had an "official weigh in" that landed me back in Twoterville. I refuse to go back, and I am ready to turn this around. Today is my first day back on track, and funnily enough I think I am sick. My throat hurts, and boy am I tired, so I am resting but I am also eating well.
I had a few people suggest I just wait until January 1st with everyone else, but I can do some serious damage between now and then. I already have 15 pounds to lose to get back to where I was in August, and I don't want to add another 10 to that total. The last month or so I kept feeling like I needed to get back on track, and it was true, I did need to, but I didn't want to. But today, I feel like I want to. I want to get the weight back off, I want to continue to get healthier and I want to feel better! I want to go back to Disneyland in January feeling good and like I can conquer the world! The less weight I have on me to slow me down the better... stalking Pluto is a lot of work.
So I have never been so happy to hit rock bottom, because it isn't under the usual circumstances. Here is to turning this around before it gets to a point where it overwhelms me to fix it!
Friday, December 12, 2014
This blog isn't interesting or informative, it is for me to document what I am feeling today...
My weight this morning was 196.6... my lowest weight on this journey was 181 in September. Then I went back up to 190 or so. I got back down to 184, then went to Florida in November and am now sitting at 196.6. That is not okay, it is too close to Twoterville! Numbers aside, I FEEL heavy. I feel the weight gain. I feel tired walking through Disneyland as soon as I get there. I can SEE the weight gain, physically see it. I wish I were exaggerating but the proof is in the pics... my pictures from yesterday at Disneyland shows a very large stomach (tight shirt didn't help hide anything either... but it's not the shirts fault, it's mine) and 2 chins. I was so happy when I "did away with" my double chin, but now it's back. It's amazing, because I can lose 10 pounds and not feel any different, but I gain 12 and I can see it and feel it.
It is amazing what can happen in just a few short months... here is the difference... this is me yesterday at Disneyland, double chins and all...
I'm not going to lie, I had a ball, and I took SOOOO many pictures (yes, even more that I didn't post). I danced with Pluto in main street, like actually danced and twirled and I enjoyed every minute of it. While the pictures are not my best, they are far from my worst and they are linked to happy memories. I no longer link my weight to my self worth and self confidence, and that is a good thing because I'm a pretty adorable person. ;) On the flip side of that, I can't bury my head in the sand and deny what I am seeing. I have noticeable weight gain in my stomach and in my face and I am not going to stand by and let a 12 pound gain lead to a 50 pound gain.
Just for giggles and to show that I am right, here are a few pics from September, one chin and a little less puffy stomach!
So that's it, I accepted it, and now I'm ready to change it. There is no waiting til January 1st, there is no denying it... this is a big deal for me and only I can fix it. I am logging off here to go and bake my chicken for work, I have my meals tracked already and I need to cook them up. I am starting a low impact workout program (4 week program) on Monday and I already took some before pics for me. I need to put my mind to something and do it... and maybe I can update weekly to document my 4 week program (which I plan to continue after the 4 weeks). Even though that starts on Monday, the healthy eating starts now!
Friday, December 05, 2014
I have been very blessed in my life recently, and have been having a lot of awesome days! I was blessed enough to have 30 days of vacation time, and most of those days I took advantage of. I went to Florida, I went to the Zoo twice, and Friday morning will be my 3rd and final trip to Disneyland for this vacation. I am getting ready go to back to work on Saturday, and well, that stinks.
I have had a lot of amazing days, but let me tell you that they weren't all 's and 's. I had a couple really off/sad days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I am so blessed that the majority of my days are happy/good days. I know as long as the majority are good that I don't need to be worried, and that it is normal to have ups/downs and good/bad days. No one is 100% happy all the time, that just isn't how life works.
So I've had a few down days and today was definitely one of them. My weight has kept creeping up. I started off the day with good intentions with tracking my food, but crashed and burned by the end. I have been feeling a little bit lonely (today) and down in the dumps. It almost echoes feelings I had at my highest weight, and that is so weird to me. I feel like I have hit rock bottom. The thing of it is, I know that I still have about 80 pounds off, and I know I haven't hit rock bottom in terms of weight loss. but it feels that way. It feels like I'm not getting anywhere and that I am putting it back on without making an effort to stop it.
I also must confess that I didn't go to Weight Watchers when I came back from vacation. I believe I posted a couple status updates about it, and I fully intended to go. At the last minute I decided not to go and to visit my Gammie who was in town again... but visiting Gammie was an excuse. I should have gone and I didn't, and I still have not gone. In fact I am going to cancel the membership because while it's a great place, if I'm not going it's not doing anything. It just goes to show that unless I am on the ball, and doing what I need to do, nothing else can persuade me to do the right thing. I also think part of me likes saying I lost this weight on my own... and I think I want to get to the finish lilne the same way. I know Sparkpeople isn't technically on your own, the support here is amazing and something that keeps me going... but at the end of the day each one of us is responsible for our weight loss and no one can do it but us.
If you were to ask me today how I feel in terms of weight loss, I'd tell you I feel like a failure. I have hardly been walking Sparky, partially because my foot hurts and partially because I've been so LAZY. Not only that, but I swore I was going to be good on vacation and keep control, and I fell into my old habits of eating whatever I want because I'm on "vacation". That has really taken a toll on my confidence... my confidence linked to weight loss that is. I still have my self confidence and I think I am pretty spiffy and adorable But I feel like when it comes to knowing how to lose this weight I know nothing. I know that's not true, and I haven't lost everything I've learned, but I need to start putting it to use!
I really need to get a grip on my eating... I know it is making me feel icky both mentally and physically. Eating junk makes me feel bad, and I know this... I just need to break the cycle. I am pretty frustrated with myself but I know I can get out of this funk, I just need to make an effort. Anyways, that is where I'm at today. I have had a lot of amazing days and hope to have another at Disneyland Friday. But I also just wanted to be "real" and explain what I'm battling on my "off days".
Here's a few new "progress pics" to remind me that all is not lost. I am still 80 pounds down and even if that was true a year ago, it is a good thing it is STILL true. That is an accomplishment in itself!
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