Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Here are my notes on Week 4 of Full-Filled. I went through most of this while on vacation in Mexico, and feel like I've made great progress considering my usual behaviours here. Wow! The Renee Method really works!
*** Dig In: What are Your Triggers? ***
rank trigger situation
1. Being home alone, and hungry or bored or lonely, and continuously snacking.
2. Martini bar 'treats' at work and the encouragement to eat them, either as a reward or just to try them.
3. Dining out, particularly at All-You-Can-Eat restaurants.
rank trigger foods
1. anything chocolate
2. ice cream
3. carbs - crackers, etc.
*** Dig In: The Trigger Beneath the Trigger ***
Last overeating scenario: I ate a whole 100g dark chocolate bar while packing to go to Mexico.
- anxious about getting it all done and making it all fit in my carry-ons
- anxious about getting back to help my neighbour, and how long it would take to give that help
- anxious about my new friendship with my neighbour, not wanting to screw it up when she needed my help
- feeling rather alone, packing for a trip to visit my folks rather than going with someone I love / want to be with ("partner")
--> fear of being friendless and alone
--> fear of failure
--> fear of rejection
*** Dig In: What are Your Limiting Beliefs? ***
- That I am incapable of love
- that i am no good enough (at work stuff, maybe at relationship stuff too)
- that I am a superficial fraud, without depth of character
Where does this come from?
- years of failed relationships followed by self-judgement
- high performance standards, expect to be an expert in everything, must be self-sufficient
- "fact" that I have few deep relationships
What are the Limiting Beliefs?
- that I am not good enough
- that I am selfish
- that I don't try hard enough
- that I am a fraud, both at work and in relationships
- that I will always be lonely / alone
*** Dig In: Limiting Beliefs about Weight & Weight Release ***
Losing Weight is:
- hard - requires a lot of self-control and discipline [helplessness? hopelessness?]
- only easy if it is hyper-structured, counting all calories and exercising daily [again: helplessness? hopelessness?]
I'm Overweight Because:
- I don't have enough self-control to eat moderately (helpless / hopeless)
- I live an unstructured single life; lack of meal planning and lonely snacking
- I am not motivated to exercise consistently (at the gym) for reasons beyond weight loss
- I drink quite a bit at times and those calories add up
- I love sugar more than I respect myself, or so it seems (worthlessness)
*** Dig In: Question Your Old Beliefs ***
*I'm Not Good Enough *
- for what??? the org'n I'm contracting with is clamoring to keep me; why do I need to "play the consulting field" to feel good enough? Even if I got a contract elsewhere, would I then feel "good enough"?
- says who??? I have 3 university degrees, they can't all be wrong
- what is good enough??? Can I even define it? When would I ever get there if I don't let this go right here and now?
- if I'm not good enough, who is?
--> We are ALL good enough. Period.
"I love and accept you just the way you are"
*I'm Incapable of Love*
- I've been in love
- I've been able to receive love
- if I let go of judgement and criticism (since I'm now good enough and don't need to compete or compare), my relationships with others would be very positive
- if I'm good enough, I don't have to hide behind emotional walls; can trust, be vulnerable, openly loving
--> embrace forgiveness, gratitude, and self-respect.
*** Dig In: Creating Empowering Beliefs ***
[I'm not good enough] becomes [I am good enough at everything I take on]
- I am capable and successful
- I am in demand
- I have all the skills needed to do what I set out to do
- I can ask for help when need be
- I am positive and authentic
- I try my best, always
- I am imperfect just like everyone else, and that is OK.
- I love and accept myself exactly how I am
EFT: I'm not good enough - ranked 8/10
"Even though I'm not good enough, I still deeply and completely love and accept myself exactly how I am"
EFT: I'm incapable of love - ranked 7/10
"Even though I feel incapable of love, I still deeply and completely love and accept myself exactly how I am"
*this was waaay more emotionally charged than I thought it would be, left me in tears... bump it up to an 11/10!
EFT: I'm a superficial fraud 7/10
"Even though I feel like a superficial fraud, I still deeply and completely love and accept myself exactly how I am"
EFT: Judgement and criticism - 4/10
"Even though I harshly judge and criticize myself and others, I still deeply and completely love and accept myself exactly how I am"
EFT: Judgement again with stronger language - 6/10
"Even though I'm a judgmental bitch, I still deeply and completely love and accept myself exactly how I am"
I did the above late at night, sometimes getting quite emotionally charged, and then went to bed. I had a great sleep for about 5 hours before getting up feeling renewed and energized. We went to a buffet brunch and I did not eat beyond the point of being full (major coup for me!), so I feel pretty great about this, and plan to do more EFT as other issues / topics come to the forefront. I'm a believer!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
So, I'm not terribly behind in my schedule working through the book, but I am very behind in blogging my Full-Filled progress notes. So here goes with my thoughts on the exercises for Week 3:
*** Dig In: Get Into Balance ***
Level One Activities
-Sleep! Getting a solid 8 hours of sleep per night will totally energize my body and spirit. That means in bed, ready to sleep, by 10:30 (on weeknights).
-Exercise! Always my staple for renewal, not to be neglected. Time to overcome my winter exercise hangups and get into a better *routine* in my new city, rather than having to force it.
- Music! Playing tunes from my iPod dock while I do what needs to be done keeps me upbeat and positive, whatever I'm doing.
- Games! Not that I need any further encouragement to play games on my iPod, but playing Sudoku or a card game on my iPod, or Guitar Hero on the Wii, is a good escape / diversion when I don't normally eat and have to focus on the game itself.... downtime.
Level Two Activities
-Hanging with friends - here, this means a limited number of people that I can count on one hand... appreciate them but also time to work on some new connections.
- Phone a friend back home, or my sister - allows me to engage with my established connections with a great level of comfort that I don't have with new friends just yet.
-SP - Engage with SparkPeople community; like minded people whom I can support and encourage to pay it forward.
- Meet-Up - something to explore to make some new connections
Level Three Activities
- Need to find some local resources for times of need
- could always contact my counselor "back home" by phone if necessary
- ask at work or the Edmonton SP team
*** Dig In: D.I.F. ***
Duration of overeating:
- the course of a day / evening (like when I'm working my way continuously through a package of something, like a box of crackers or chocolate covered almonds)
- sporadically over several days when I get into a rut of no planning and just snack on stuff instead of eating proper meals, like cereal for dinner and then whatever I can scrounge up after that to keep the sugar intake going
- certain meal times, such as at buffet restaurants
Intensity of Overeating:
- at buffets, used to eat way past full, to the point of being uncomfortable for hours. Now, haven't done this since September (!!!)
-eating the whole package when obsessed over a specific food (chocolate, chocolate-covered almonds)
Frequency of Overeating:
-used to be anytime at a buffet - couple times per month?
- whenever I buy trigger foods like chocolate covered almonds (which would be any time I did groceries = couple times per month at least) or dark chocolate bars = weekly
*** Dig-In: The Re-Do ***
- eating the entire chocolate bar, bit by bit, mindlessly... imagined having just one square, savouring it and putting eh rest away to appreciate on another day. Cut up the bar and put each square into a snack baggie (or one or two chocolate almonds per baggie); eat small bites and appreciate the flavours.
*** Dig-In: the Pre-Do ***
- put fork down after each bite
- engage in conversation
- fill plate half full with veggies
- be grateful for the mean and my good fortune to be here with family and neighbours
- limit of 3 drinks (will have to touch on this again at some point...)
Monday, December 03, 2012
Carrying on where I left off, I'm following Renee Stephen's 6-week program from her book Full-Filled, along with listening to her Inside Out Weight Loss podcasts. It's not about eating specific foods in a diet, it's about behaviour change, and changing how you think and behave around food. So, to keep a record beyond my private journal, here are my thoughts (all that I journalled, in fact) about her exercises for week 2.
Dig In: Notice Your Objections
Maybe I've been listening to so many of Renee's podcasts lately that I'm really, truly good with becoming the person I've been envisioning, but I really couldn't come up with too many objections. I would love to end my struggle to stay in control around food, to listen to my body's signals of hunger/satiety, to not feel overstuffed after eating, to not have the guilt of whatever I've been snacking on. I've been more slim than I am now, and I liked how that felt, how confident I was and I am truly looking forward to the positive changes that are coming along with getting my attitude about food adjusted through this process. I will continue to pay attention, to see if some objections arise, but I do think that I am ready.
Dig In: What is the Positive Intent of Your Eating Habits?
- I go to the fridge/cupboard when I am lonely or feeling disconnected
- I snack when I don't feel like preparing a decent meal for myself; I equate cooking for one with lonely business ("cooking for one stinks" has long been my woe-is-me attitude about it)
*** Since writing this in my journal at the start of the week, I have cooked several delicious meals, just for me, with enough leftovers to keep me going for a couple of days. Each time, it felt like a special treat, as if I was truly caring for myself by taking the time to cook something fabulous and tasty for myself. I guess it doesn't stink after all, nor require anyone else's seal of approval (more on that below)***
- I overeat in restaurants to keep up with and fit in with my (male) friends
- I do have some of the characteristics of The Fraud described in the book. Food provides safety and security; eases the pain of the feeling of inadequacy I have (due to my education not being aligned with my career, in spite of 15 years of experience in the industry). The positive intent is seeking comfort, safety and security.
- Also, traits of the Perfectionist: I put a lot of pressure on myself, trying to gain approval; I am a procrastinator, avoiding failure by not starting or trying at all with some things. I'd rather not cook for one than make an elaborate mean with nobody to give it the nod of approval. And simple meals... suck.
- And, I'm also very accomplishment-driven, so eating can be a respite from doing, taking a break and having some downtime with an energy boost.
Dig In: Pinpoint Your Fear
What am I afraid of? What do I fear?
- That I won't be good enough, that my incongruent education & career path will fall apart, that I'll be found out to not have the skills needed. Which ones? Can I still get them? Business Analyst skills? Technical Skills? Can I accept that 15 years of industry experience is light years beyond anything that was being taught when I got my degrees? (Perhaps this is behind my intrigue with PhD programs... if I get the PhD, I will surely be qualified to do what I'm already doing...)
- Also, I'm afraid of being alone forever, never finding my mate, never getting married and into a relaxed relationship. So I eat to combat this fear and the loneliness. Food is a stable relationship for me; food doesn't feel threatened by me, it doesn't judge. It is just there for me, like the fudge was during my lonely exchange program which started this 25-year struggle.
-- Joy, acceptance, worthiness, peace, love, contentment are what I seek.
I did the mindful meditation to resolve my inner conflict, and did feel quite at peace afterwards! On to week 3!
Saturday, November 24, 2012
So, to follow up last week's blog entry, I'm following Renee Stephen's 6-week program from her book Full-Filled, along with listening to her Inside Out Weight Loss podcasts. It's not about eating specific foods in a diet, it's about behaviour change, and changing how you think and behave around food. So, to keep a record beyond my private journal, here are my thoughts (all that I journalled, in fact) about her exercises for week 1.
Dig In 1: What specific behaviours do I want to change?
- Lack of planning. I want to know what I am going to prepare for myself instead of winging it after work and staring into the fridge for inspiration. If not a weekly plan, at least a daily plan.
- Compulsive overeating. Grazing on something little by little until it's all gone (ie: box of crackers, sweets, ice cream when larger than single serving containers) - this probably goes hand-in-hand with the lack of meal planning
- I do not routinely shop for groceries or prepare meals - again, aligned with planning
- I don't eat to fuel my body with what it needs, I just eat. Planning will help me to eat more intentionally, for example, ensuring adequate carbs the day before a sporting event.
- I eat very quickly. I need to put my fork down between bites, so that I can taste and appreciate my food, instead of just shovelling it in and inhaling it.
- Plate cleaning. I feel compelled to clean my plate (childhood training) - no wasting food!
- Over-eating. I eat until I'm beyond full at buffets/AYCE restaurants, perhaps due to "Value" eating. I want to feel like I'm getting my money's worth, so tend to overeat as a result.
- "See-food" diet. I snack on the treats on display at work even though I'm not hungry.
Dig In 2: What are my symptoms?
- I'm still 10-15lbs overweight
- My self-confidence is down
- I have new "small me" clothes purchased in the past 2 years which no longer fit. I try them and remove them when dressing for work (waste of time, upsetting), plus a spare room closet full of clothes in various sizes
- My mind is pre-occupied by food, weight loss, self-criticism. I would love to quiet that inner voice and focus on other things finally
- I feel guilty if I don't exercise (see the last point)
- I feel miserable if I overeat since I am bloated, and berate myself for it.
- My home space is disorganized and somewhat chaotic (STILL, moved in July) so I feel my environment contributes to my negative self-talk, lack of peace, and tendency to distract myself with food.
Dig In 3: Who's affected by your weight struggle?
- My normally confident self is most affected: I don't feel sexy/attractive/desirable; not as confident/self-assured; want to hide from others during this failure to maintain my lower weight
- My colleagues are affected, even unknowingly, if I judge them based on what I have going on, due to my incessant inner chatter
- My hockey team when I don't have enough energy to get through the game with pep
- Whoever I'm dating since I get freaky about what I'm eating when things aren't going well
Dig In 4: Identify your away-from motivation.
I want to move away from:
- eating this & that, whatever is convenient
- overeating at buffets
- grazing at work
- guilt over what I eat or whether I exercise
- a wardrobe of clothes that don't fit me
- gobbling my food down
- cellulite / grapefruit butt
- not being organized/prepared to eat a healthy meal
- dating those who praise my looks, in spite of their other shortcomings
- eating foods (usually processed) which cause my gut to react and proceed to evacuate (sorry... but wouldn't you want to move away from that too!?!) :-)
Dig In 5: What's your towards motivation?
I want to move towards:
- planning & preparing for healthy meals for myself
- intentionally caring for myself by fuelling my body with nourishing food
- eating until I'm just barely satisfied
- listening to my body and actually feeling & responding to hunger
- having a single, stylish wardrobe to dress quickly and confidently from
- confidence in myself to care for myself effectively
- finding some motivation for and joy in cooking meals for one
- confidence that I'm on the right track or can easily correct myself by learning
- a slim & muscular body with visible leg muscles!
- a vibrant social life
- a life with enough fun to balance out the work
- feeling like I'm good enough, qualified enough and can be accepted for who I am
- having the confidence to attract the right mate for me
- tasting my food, and eating food worthy of being tasted
- a healthy, regular gut. No more IBS flare-ups.
Exercise: Vividly imagine your dream self
- If I were slim & muscular, I would be confident.
If I were confident, I would be attract different people into my life than I do today, and have the fortitude to reject those who aren't good enough for me. I might attract someone who is also confident and self-assured, who wouldn't be threatened by me; someone fun and available.
- If I were more self-confident, I would take better pride in ownership of my home and my body. I would work out regularly, get more sleep, tidy up and be more organized. I could entertain guests without embarrassment or panic. I could dress myself with ease in clothes that fit me. I could be self-assured that I will have enough, and purge some stuff that I don't truly need.
I think I'm ready for week 2!
Monday, November 19, 2012
It took me a long, long time after they were first recommended to me, but I've finally engaged and am listening to the Inside Out Weight Loss podcasts. Not just listening to, absently, but actively listening to them and working through the sometimes challenging exercises Renee Stephens asks of her listeners. They aren't about dieting. They are about how we think about food; about listening to our bodies, recognizing hunger and fullness; about identifying triggers to overeating and why we might have them; about envisioning a calm and relaxed life with a positive relationship with food instead of one full of shame and guilt. I have to say, I was a bit sceptical at first, which is why it took me so long to engage, but I am now a true believer in the messages she is sending. Here's why:
I have always been really active, I play a lot of sports, run, skate, and so on. I realized a few years ago that overeating was my problem, so I tracked like an obsessed demon, full of willpower and determination for 8 solid months and lost 30 pounds. Hooray, I'm in maintenance! However, after a couple of years of maintenance, I decided to turn my life totally upside down, and managed to gain back 10 of the lost pounds. What the ____??? What happened? I wasn't diligently tracking any more, and was still the same overeater that I had always been, with some extra comfort foods thrown in for good measure. I would buy lunch at the local stir-fry noodle house, and eat the whole thing, thinking it was a "portion", for example. And then eat a big old dinner too. And have ice cream, or whatever snacks (several handfuls of nuts) through the evening. Of course the weight would come back.
So, after listening to the Inside Out Weight Loss podcasts for a few weeks, writing a couple of points each night in my Success Journal (focused on the positive!), I stunned myself today. My box of stir-fry noodles (double veggies, no meat today) wasn't even half done when I put it down to have a drink of water... and I didn't pick it back up again. I was satisfied. I so seldom had I ever before recognized satiety, I was almost shocked that I stopped eating before the box was empty. I'm a lifelong plate cleaner, so this is simply huge for me! I still have a long way to go (like actually planning my meals, what to cook for dinner each night after work would be a great start), but I am thrilled to be on my way.
And I think I've lost about 5 of those unwelcome 10 pounds... just can't weight myself accurately right now.
If you want to check it out, start where I did, with the Inside Out Weight Loss (IOWL) SparkTeam. I'll try to put a link here:
There is info there about Renee Stephens book, Full-Filled, which I started reading this weekend as well. If you care to join me, join the above group and let's discuss!
Get An Email Alert Each Time SUEINTHEPARK Posts