Sunday, July 27, 2014
I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants. -Jimmy Fallon
Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. -Conan O'Brien
Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. -Craig Ferguson
A judge wrote an opinion today in favor of Obamacare, saying that getting healthcare from the state or federal government is the same as ordering from Pizza Hut vs. Domino's. I’m not sure I agree. THEIR websites always worked. -Seth Meyers
A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." -Jimmy Fallon
There's a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It's expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. Yes, the new iPhone will be called last year's Samsung Galaxy. -Conan O'Brien
Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla. -Craig Ferguson
Today, Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. Which is ridiculous. Everyone knows he's made of wood. -Seth Meyers
Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, "So, vat do you think?" -Jimmy Fallon
"Star Wars" fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new "Star Wars" movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han Solo all waking up in Vegas. -Conan O'Brien
When we landed on the moon everybody remembers what they were doing, and everybody remembers what Neil Armstrong said just before he left the capsule and stepped onto the surface of the moon. He said: "Out of my way, Buzz!" Whack! -David Letterman
The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit against a man who got into a bar fight while unofficially dressed as the team's mascot. They could tell he wasn’t affiliated with the Cubs because he won. -Seth Meyers
People love the new Pope, but I think it's safe to say he's gone crazy. Now he's thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking "Real Housewives of the Vatican?" -David Letterman
It's a great day for a man in Brazil. He's 126 and has been called the world's oldest person. He says the highlight of his life was playing goalie for Brazil in this year's World Cup. -Craig Ferguson
Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides "mostly respected" the cease-fire. That's like leaving the house without pants and saying you're "mostly dressed." -Seth Meyers
Now the FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so the president can interrupt any TV program. 'We interrupt this program so the president can tell America what he had for lunch: a good bowl of matzo ball soup. This concludes today's presidential lunch update.' -Dave Letterman
A company in the U.K. is making news for developing a new vegetable called Brussel-Kale, which is a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale. They said, 'We got the idea from a child's nightmare.' -Jimmy Fallon
Today, Lay's announced that cappuccino is one of the finalists for their new chip flavor contest. And if you think that sounds bad, wait until you try Starbucks' new Sour Cream and Onion Latte." -Seth Meyers
Saturday, July 26, 2014
This award is given to some person who eliminates himself effectively from the human gene pool through an outstanding if not original display of uniqueness in his thinking process.
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
A little humor for today:
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Saturday, July 26, 2014
- Hot water comes out of both taps.
- You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.
- The trees are whistling for the dogs.
- You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.
- The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
- You burn your hand opening the car door.
- The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.
- You can make instant sun tea.
- Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.
- Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
- When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.
- Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.
- You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
- You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"
While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"
The guide replied: "One."
An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Thursday, July 17, 2014
While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro. -Jimmy Fallon
Germany won, but they're still mad at us for spying on them. So they're considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It's never good news when Germany says they're going to go back to their old ways. -Conan O'Brien
People are going to see the new "Planet of the Apes" movie. It's in 3-D, and it is so realistic you can barely see the zippers on the backs of the monkey suits. The new "Planet of the Apes" movie is more fun than a barrel full of people. -David Letterman
The Orange County Fair in California has started selling bacon-wrapped churros, fried in bacon fat and filled with a half shot of Jack Daniels. I hear they are simply to die of. -Seth Meyers
LeBron James announced that he will be returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers four years after he left the team. That’s right, he's coming home. LeBron is going back to Cleveland. Or as Cleveland fans put it, "Is there a way to unburn jerseys?” -Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday Rick Perry told President Obama to go to the U.S.-Mexico border and see the immigration crisis firsthand because Americans expect to see their president when there is a disaster. Which is why today Obama showed up in Miami. -Jimmy Fallon
A company in the U.K. is making news for developing a new vegetable called Brussel-Kale, which is a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale. They said, “We got the idea from a child's nightmare.” -Jimmy Fallon
North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed. -Craig Ferguson
People who wanted to go on the new Harry Potter ride at Universal had to wait in line for more than seven hours this week. That's right, seven hours of waiting just for a couple minutes of action. Or as that's also called, “watching soccer.” -Jimmy Fallon
According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means — any day now we'll be invading ourselves. -David Letterman
Wyoming became a state on this day in 1918. Everybody celebrated from Cheyenne to another city in Wyoming. -Craig Ferguson
According to a new report, there is a shrine in Japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids. Seating is limited, but usually available. -Seth Meyers
There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, “You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.” -Jimmy Fallon
Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box. -David Letterman
Today is National Sugar Cookie Day. The entire month of July is National Cream Month. You're welcome, diabetes. -Craig Ferguson
In an upcoming article for The Wall Street Journal, Tyra Banks predicts that everyone will have a robot in the future. The article raised a lot of good questions, like: Why is The Wall Street Journal interviewing Tyra Banks? -Seth Meyers
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