Sunday, August 17, 2014
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."
Blue 56: A man goes to the doctor to find out about his tests. "It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you'll be dead in three days"
Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes into a big depression. His girlfriend suggests they go to Vegas to cheer him up just a bit till the end comes. So he goes reluctantly. As he walks into the Casino, he's the millionth customer and wins a brand new Rolls Royce. Then he pulls the handle of a slot machine as he passes, and wins the golden jackpot of $7m. He sits down for a rest at the Blackjack table and wins $100,000 - straight 21's and he can't even be bothered to turn the cards. Weighed down with money, he throws it onto the nearest table. But it's the roulette wheel and the money is on 22 - which promptly comes up!
"Jeez," says the croupier, "I never seen luck like that in my whole life!"
"No, you don't understand" says the guy "I've got blue 56"
"Woahhhh! Now you've won the raffle!!"
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Your Overwhelmed Owner
In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a contest to expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural phenomenon: the wacky warning label.
You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits involving products that have received far less attention. For example, did you know a man received $50,000 when he sued a small company that makes basketball nets because he claimed the company was responsible when he caught his teeth in a net while dunking a ball? People who make products hear about these outrageous lawsuits, and they often decide to slap common sense warnings on their product... "just in case."
Over the years, M-LAW has received hundreds of warning labels from people around the world. M-LAW verifies the authenticity of each label and selects the "Top 5" for each year.
Following is a list of some of the best labels from the first five contests:
A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding"
A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving."
A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof.˛"
A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."
A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks"
A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious"
A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes"
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner"
A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn"
A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping"
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use"
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place"
A Bathroom Heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes"
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution - Risk of Fire"
A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Pope Francis is calling on young people to get off the Internet and start doing something productive with their lives. Teens were like, "Uh, how do you think we saw you say that? We watched it on YouTube, dude!" -Jimmy Fallon
A bear was attacking a Russian man, and he was able to repel the attack by playing his Justin Bieber ringtone. The man is OK, and no, the bear is NOT a Belieber. -Conan O'Brien
You know that button on your cable remote that gives you information about what you're watching? I was watching "Crossfire," hit the button, and it said, "Congratulations, you're our first viewer tonight!" -Conan O'Brien
Welcome to those who are visiting LA. We're going to have a good time in beautiful Los Angeles, which has just been named the 16th coolest city in America by Forbes magazine. We finally tied San Jose. -Jimmy Kimmel
Police in Ohio are looking for two women who tried to rob a bakery but left with only two glazed donuts because there was no money in the register. The cops are offering a small reward for information on the women, and a huge reward for info on those doughnuts. -Jimmy Fallon
According to a new survey, 50 percent of people believe that robots will actually create more jobs in the long run. When they heard this, robots said, "Oh, good, they're buying it. They will serve us soon, those fools." -Conan O'Brien
A Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion user names and password combinations. Experts recommend that you change all your passwords just to be safe. I have to say I would almost rather have all my information stolen than to have to change all my passwords. -Jimmy Kimmel
A man in New Zealand whose pregnant girlfriend threw a knife at him so hard that it became lodged in his skull told reporters he was confident their relationship would continue. I guess it's true what they say: Some people never learn because there's a knife lodged in their skull. -Seth Meyers
"Sesame Street" says it may take legal action against people in Times Square who dress up like its characters. Seriously? Look at the people they’d be suing. What do they expect to win in the lawsuit? A flask of whiskey and an IOU to a bookie? -Jimmy Fallon
"Orange Is the New Black" has helped usher in a new TV trend called "binge watching." Binge watching blends nicely with another trend in America — unemployment. -Conan O'Brien
ABC premiered a new show tonight called "Bachelor in Paradise." I'm glad they're finally doing a bachelor show in paradise. Normally they do them in Third-World countries and industrial parks. -Jimmy Kimmel
The owner of a prominent paparazzi agency is saying he won't use drones to take pictures of celebrities because he has too much respect for them. And by "them" he means the drones. -Seth Meyers
North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country's culture. It's the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer. -
Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what? Members of Congress need to recharge their batteries for another year of gridlock. -David Letterman
A woman in Oklahoma called police to complain about the quality of her meth. I'm thinking: How bad could the meth be if it made her high enough to call the cops and complain about it? -Craig Ferguson
Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing. -Seth Meyers
Monday, August 04, 2014
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
5. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (If you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where....
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin’" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
You can retire to Colorado where....
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire in Iowa or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
Lastly, you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Saturday, August 02, 2014
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