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Anger, hatred, and unforgiveness

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

I am not entirely sure this is an appropriate post but one that needs expressing for myself and others that I know. I grew up a child in the 50's and 60's and discipline and the rod were not spare. (This however is not entirely bad.) I was a strong willed child and very intelligent.
My dad was a weekend alcoholic and the product of strong discipline too. He was abusive physically and mentally with words. I turned to food for comfort as my sister was 7 years younger and no one to talk too. My mother was verbally abused and terrorized by him.

In school I was rejected, because too tall, bigger than most girls and I lived on the wrong side of town. I was placed in classrooms with the wealthier kids due to my intelligence. I was left out a lot. I went home to my comfort food. I used to pop, pop corn in grocery bags full to be consumed. I learned to cook at age 8. I learned to cook my favorite comfort food. At age 11, the whole house chores, babysitting and cooking became my job.

I made great grades and graduated with a 96.5 overall grade; I was rejected from the National Honor Society. Another put down, and like an alcoholic I went to food for comfort.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer in January. He died in July of the same year. I was beaten until I cried and then until I stopped. The reason for the beatings, I did not do something the way he would have done it or my younger sister had done something and I was supposed to be watching her.

The anger, rage, rejection that I felt followed me for years. It affected my job performance and chance for advancement. It produced a very negative response to people and events. It prevented me from standing up for what I knew was right. I had problems facing authority as an adult. I always sought food for comfort.

At age 43, I sought counseling and was able to release some anger but it was not until after two failed marriages that I turned the corner for good. My first two husbands were not physically violent, they were emotionally unavailable and verbally degrading.

After my second husband left, I did a book of self analysis of my life in journal form. I was able to write my feelings about events and to propose a more positive way to approach situations. Fifteen months later I met my soul mate. He became my cheerleader in life.

The anger is gone. I am able to look at the good things my dad provided and smile. I can now face the bad without anger and with a look to the positive results. I am a survivor.
My success with weight loss has been in no short order, due to dealing with feelings.
Have you examined your feelings related to the things that you do that create bad behaviors? Getting to know yourself is penultimate to a positive progression in your life
You must know who you are, what makes you tick, etc. You are not dieting; you are on a journey and the legs of that journey must be planned.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JANIEWWJD 10/18/2014 12:53AM

    You are very brave and I admire you!!! Stay positive and good will come from it. God bless you and have a wonderful day tomorrow!!!!
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    THANK YOU for sharing your story. I am so happy that you've overcome such adversity. Best Wishes in reaching all of your goals. You are going to be just fine, and YOU CAN DO IT!

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IGNITEME101 9/5/2014 6:56PM

    emoticon YOU are on the right path!!

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LACEYKYLE 7/9/2014 11:35PM

    Very dynamic and moving.

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BAMAJAM2 7/9/2014 11:39AM

  Your blog is powerful indeed! Many people never recover from their childhood pain. I listened to a professional counselor say it this way: " I was robbed of a childhood. "
This counselor gave a lecture on the very subject of your story here, Cyndi. . .
I suffered too from a father who was mean and cruel to me, to my siblings, and also to my dear mother. We all wanted to escape from him---- I was jealous of those who had a "Father knows best" kind of dad. I would watch Robert Young as that perfect TV dad, and my child's heart would break! It was so far from my own life.
My story has a happy ending, however, because expert counseling from a Catholic priest gave me a new beginning. I gained understanding, and healing. And the contentment from forgiveness is a great sense of peace. My experience has given me genuine compassion for others, therefore, there is actually a positive trait I derived from my dad. Also, I can see that he did good things in providing a home and providing for our education.
This is called achieving maturity, and in so doing, I count my abundant blessings. We must release the baggage of anger. Through God's grace, there is a future of hope and peace.
You touched my heart today, Cyndi-- and no doubt, other hearts as well. Thank you!

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JACKIEWALKS4FUN 7/9/2014 10:31AM


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1CRAZYDOG 7/9/2014 9:56AM

    emoticon Body and mind are so linked. If there is an issue emotionally, it is expressed in the body and how it performs (or not) and you, my dear ARE a very wise woman to have faced and dealt with the "demons" of the past. I am very glad for you, and proud that you shared this, because there is at least one other person who will see this blog and start on the path of healing as you did.


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NANCYPAT1 7/9/2014 7:53AM

    What a hopeful and inspiring blog - it is special when we finally reach the point where we can let go of some of the anger, hurt, and pain of the past and move into the future with love and hope.

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The Cloak of Fat

Monday, June 30, 2014

This may be a hard blog for me to write, but a necessary one.
For many years I hid behind my self-made cloak of fat. I wore it as armor.
It protected me from attention. When thin I attracted unwanted attention.
When fat I was denied attention needed for career momentum.
Did I fear failure? Or did I fear success?
This cloak that I earned through years of dedicated devotion to solving
all my problems of love, fear of rejection, fear of acceptance for me even if thin.
This cloak provided me warmth from loneliness, but the sad part is I only felt more
alone and more isolated. This cloak prevented free and easy mobility to participate
in functions.
The development of this cloak and its weight has cause my body irreparable damage to the knees. It has destroyed my health. It has weakened my immune system. In providing me a shield from others, it has denied me the privilege of meeting and being accepted by new friends.
The cloak is old and tired now. I am readying myself for a new cloak as I face the next milestone in my life. In August I will turn 65. By age 66 I want to be a thinner and more mobile lady. I want to march forward with the rest of my life more freely.
Come walk with me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IGNITEME101 9/6/2014 11:16AM

    I also have hit 'maintenance'. I lot 40 pounds and just stopped. Lot's of reasons, but mainly it protects me, and maybe a little pride...

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GENRE009 7/1/2014 10:47PM

    It was very brave of you to admit that you became your own worst enemy. We all do that, and yes eating poorly damages a lot of our health. You are never too old to turn around your health. Go into the diabetic diet, develop a 1200 calorie plan, and journal it before you attempt to eat daily. have 3 meals , and 3 snacks in between so you don't binge. I am learning the life style to not binge on unhealthy foods at Weight Watchers. It is a daily challenge fighting myself with all kinds of mindless patterns, and old pains. if you need help I can direct you, but spark has everything you need. Just keep at it even if you mess up. WW is 4 dairy, 1-2, 2-3, 3-4 protein at the main meals, 5-7 vegetables, 4-5 fruits, and 8-10 glasses of water. Snacks look like a protein & a fruit or vegetable. Your plate should look like 1/2 is vegetables, 1/4 is protein, and 1/4 is starchy vegetable or whole grain. Good luck. I need to have accountability, and I learn something every week, so I go, and it only costs $14.00 after the initial cost.eva

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LACEYKYLE 6/30/2014 10:03PM

    Beautifully written and I share your cloak feelings. I'm holding your hand as we walk through this journey together.

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1CRAZYDOG 6/30/2014 2:28PM

    Right besides you my dear. You are NOT ALONE. I will walk with you too. emoticon

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BAMAJAM2 6/30/2014 1:15PM

  I answer your invitation-- YES
Several years older than you, 69 this summer, and I want to walk with you.
The "cure" is well known--- diet and exercise. Each day I seem to start over, and the next day, I start over. It is time to get smart and get rid of my cloak of fat!
There are lots of helpful tips on Spark--- Let's do this!! Face the fact that the responsibility for me is ME-- and there is no magic pill. The goal is worth it---
I often say to myself--- "If you owned the most expensive car, you would not put trash in the tank!" My body is more important than any car.

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PHATPAT18 6/30/2014 12:48PM

    I wish you much success in your spark journey. It took strength to put your feelings in writing. I hope you reach your goals and become the person you want to be by your 65th birthday. My birthday is in August too and I'll be 60. Thanks for the inspiration.

Hugs, Pat emoticon

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Saturday, June 07, 2014

One of the members wrote me today and asked to be friends. She made my day. The a few minutes later another did. One said I was and amazing lady.
The other:

"You are an incredible woman with strength. You devoted your life to helping the sick and infirm. You have endured one of the greatest losses known--to lose a child. My heart goes out to you. You are doing awesome in living a healthier lifestyle. Congrats on the weight loss and best wishes as you continue to develop a healthier lifestyle. God bless you."

Many times in my life as I have struggled with my clients needs as a public health nurse, finding answers to needs: on a personal level with mental and verbal abuse: at work being rejected due to perceived cultural differences, even though a college graduate, and not fitting the mold of appearance at work for job promotion: through rejection of two previous husbands: and the ultimate loss of my only child: there has always been one to provide comfort The Lord GOD has always sent angels unawares with messages. His words always provide constant comfort. His word lead my heart to healing after my son's loss.

I came to realize a few months ago through a book a friend share with me, called The Daniel Plan, that He has sent us many words and directions about diet and healthy bodies. There is much biblical reference to caring for His temple which is your body. Jesus told us that no food was unclean if we prayed over it before we consumed it. He also told us if we at someone's home not to offend them by eating something in their presence that offended them. I guess that goes both ways. I am not a vegetarian or even totally natural food eater. I do try to be aware. At age 64, with 65 catching me soon, I have found the most important thing for me to do is prepare foods properly and eat in the right portions. I have also found that tracking is the best method to keep me honest.

I pray that each of you continue to strive to your personal goal with His hand directing you and His word educating you. All things are possible to Him/Her that love the Lord.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOLFGMA 6/8/2014 8:24AM

    I agree with your final statement and feel that asking for His wisdom and direction is the way to get through losing weight and living a purposeful life. emoticon

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GENRE009 6/8/2014 12:12AM

    Thank you for sharing. eva

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1CRAZYDOG 6/7/2014 8:14PM

    My dear, you ARE a remarkable woman and an inspiration. I am glad that it is recognized!

HUGS and blessings to you for enduring all the challenges you have endured.

I do not know why being perceived a different is such a problem. I am 4 ft. 10.5 in. and also a nurse. I've worked ER, ICU/CCU, med-surg, home health and in all of those positions my height was a 'perceived' deficit. Never mind that I did what was expected and THEN SOME! Anyhow, we learn to "prove ourselves".

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LACEYKYLE 6/7/2014 7:34PM

    Lovely blog, thank you so much for sharing. You have a lot of wisdom to share.

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Happy Mother's Day

Saturday, May 10, 2014

What a wonderful expression when you have a child who loves you. Part of that means you were as good a mother as you could be. When my son got older, our relationship was such that he would still come to me with problems. I would always preference my response with who would you like to hear from first; your mother, a nurse or a friend because each of us would give you a different answer. His response- all of them mom. I lost this special young man almost 3 years ago now in a car wreck and the pain still surfaces as if yesterday. It will always I am sure especially on Mother's Day and his birthday.
This week, however, I was reminded by a spark friend from here who had the distinct pleasure of meeting in person and sharing an evening with she and her hubby when in Louisiana. We still maintain contact. She stated in a posting on FB, she got tired of people always complaining about what they don't have or bemoaning woes. She said that she now says to them, stop and give me 5. Five positives, you should be able to find 5.
1_ I got up this morning under my own power and dressed
2- I came downs stairs to an adequately filled refrigerator.
3- I was able to prepare my own meal.
4. I had electric bill paid
5- I praised the Lord for the Mother's day card that I got from a younger friend.

See how easy that is.
As a nurse 30 years of my 40 years, I was primarily dealing with needs of children. I was a case coordinator for children who had or were at risk for developmental issues. I had the privilege of holding and loving many children. I had the privilege of being a confidant and counselor to parents. I have many, many children.
I could choose to sit in a pool of grief or as I always told my son, move forward with life. Learn and grow from all the experiences as life is short and blessings are many.
If your grief, complaints, friends, etc let you down. Remember to talk with Him. Let Him help you develop a plan for living and being healthy. It is all in His word.
Be a happy Mother. Love those who come into your path for counsel. Be healthy and able because you next life lesson may be the one that you would not want to miss.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAMAJAM2 5/12/2014 12:01PM

  My sincere sympathy is extended to you--- God bless you with His grace. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your son. My dearest friend lost her only son in a 4th of July car accident three years ago. There is nothing to heal this pain, but Christian faith can indeed, be of comfort. Take care of yourself. . .

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GENRE009 5/11/2014 2:18AM

    So did that help you? I think that if you want you can talk to your son briefly on mothers day 7 his birthday. I know that you will see him in heaven, and he is looking down watching you. take care, happy mothers day. You still have others still to love here on earth, and that's a blessing.eva

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1CRAZYDOG 5/10/2014 3:07PM

    emoticon , brilliant, well said.

My dear, I am sure your beloved son is smiling on you right now as you help others with your wonderful words!

Happy Mothers Day, my dear.

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RHOOK20047 5/10/2014 12:34PM

    God Bless you tomorrow and always as you deal with the loss of your son. I can't imagine the pain that must be. I have two sons and my youngest still considers me his confidante and confessor, even though he is married and is starting a family of his own. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose him. But I will ask our Blessed Mother whom I am sure has a special place for Mothers who lose their sons as she did. I am sure she asks her Son to give a special blessing to those moms who lose their children. Have a Happy Mothers Day.

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What I READ on My Christian Walk

Sunday, March 02, 2014

As study the Bible I learn more and more about what He wants for His body. We are the housing for His spirit. We must continually nurture our mind and body with spiritually blessed foods and information to educate our minds from the Bible and information on nutrition. Many people go down the path to failure as they do not feed their minds with proper knowledge. The other thing is they do not listen, as many do not listen to the word of the Master.

Most concern in the New Testament( the new covenant): control of our physical appetites. Those being gluttony, lust, covetousness(wanting others possessions and wealth), unrighteousness; hatred/anger, and gossip. These appetites should not control us let we become arrogant. Deuteronomy 21:20; Proverbs 23:2, 2 Peter 1:5-7; 2 Timothy 3:19; 2 Corinthians 10:5
We for our purposes will talk about gluttony. Gluttony is taking things to excess. It could be food, shows, game play, telephone use, IPod and computer dependency; need for shoes, pocketbooks, records, DVD's, etc. Anything we indulge in to excess. For the purpose of weight loss, we must focus on eating too much.

Remember: also to declare yourself proud of being overweight, and you should like me the way that I am, isn't anything but the devil securing his hold on your life.

A friend of mine who needs to lose weight and is a Christian, posted on her wall for the start of the weekend already failing in quest to lose weight, because she bought fried chicken, potato salad, and cheesecake. As with anything on our quest to eat better and to attain better health, I proposed to her to peel off skin before eating. limit potato salad to 1/2 cup. I also suggested to her to half whatever her portion of cheesecake would be and enjoy.
I know and you know that the Lord says what ever we pray over before we eat, will be safe for our bodies, even GMO, meat, organic, etc. or not.

He told us in His word that in the end of times people would tell us what was good and bad for us. As Christians in their presence we should eat what they serve and not offend them. In our homes we can eat what we want. He expects us to honor His temple our body. Being overweight and sending ourselves into a crippled, wheelchair state is not what he wishes for His children. The devil know how to temple. Do not let the devil win his battle with you by depriving yourself of things you enjoy, but exercise portion control.

Do not be angry or feel hatred at those who "can eat whatever they want and not add a pound". Do not be envious of the celebrities who look perfect. They may be photo shopped for beauty. Do not lower yourselves to gossip about the appearance of others thin or thick.

Love you brothers and sisters and pray each day for the wisdom to help them on their way to better health. Our number one goal should be to get healthy.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1CRAZYDOG 3/2/2014 8:23PM

    Very well thought out blog. It is sad that there is so much temptation put in front of our children (let alone us as adults, but we should know better!) Our children often do not see healthy habits modeled, and it just begins to spiral into every aspect of life.

Thank you for this reminder.


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GENRE009 3/2/2014 2:43PM

    Very informative blog! You talked about a lot of good info. many people although are Christians, don't have an intimate relationship with God. they have a poor self image, and don't realize the amount of comfort that reading God's message brings. Or they feel unloved, yet God's door is always opened 24/7 to them. They don't realize how much God did for their salvation. How amazing a god to leave us with a survival kit, of his words to guide us thru life's stress & pain, and have a part of him in our body. So close as to always strengthen our walk when we fall. The holy spirit teaches lessons to purify our walk, even if we fight with blown our egos & resist. We may harm ourselves, yet eventually give up our control, become humble, to a mighty God who is very merciful. In order for someone to clean their house, the home that the holy spirit resides in, they must come to the conclusion that they have an intimate relationship with God & love themselves. Many need to be washed, and then brake the chains that bind them. Great blog! eva emoticon

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FLYER99 3/2/2014 1:37PM

    Oh boy, I needed to read this! I liked what you said about our appetites and this not meaning just appetite for food. Our bodies are the vessel that God uses on this earth to contain His Holy Spirit and we are to take care of them.

When we see and buy a large bag of potato chips, it is not God's pleasure to see us do that. This is satan's urgings. We must resist temptation. It is not easy to do. I know that in my own life. BUT, I do try and pray every day for God's help.

This blog is emoticon and emoticon for it.

Have a most blessed SonDay!


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