Friday, February 21, 2014
So last Friday I had an amazing weigh in. Almost four lbs gone! Today, I gained 0.2 :(. I worked my butt off. I coulda done more I know but still. I did have one minor dinner slip up Sunday at dinner but I stopped before it got too bad. I did four days at the gym. Two of cardio and weights and then two of just cardio. Packed my lunch every day, only went over 1600 calories once. And I drink an gallon of water a day, sometimes more. Yet I gained :(
I have tried to focus on other things than the scale, like that maybe you can see my collarbone a little more, or maybe I feel better, different little things. But sometimes I can't help focusing on the scale. I want to be under 200 sooooo bad. Oh my goodness I was so happy when I finally got out of the 230s . It took me so long to get into the 20s. Then I saw the number 229.5 on the scale and jumped around screaming. When I saw that I gained today I was slightly regretted. I know it could be worse. And I'm happy that it wasn't more that 0.2, but still, sucks to not see a negative number.
I don't wanna get stuck in a rut. I don't wanna give up I want to keep going. I feel so much better eating healthy and exercising but at the same time I know all my goals and I don't wanna not reach them.
So today is jus a blah day :/ happy but sad, only halfway motivated, halfway frustrated.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
I blogged this with my iPhone so if there are many mistakes I apologize, I'm goin too crazy to spellcheck.
I am going crazy, I mean CRAZY!!
So for the past two months I've been doin really great. I went from 245 to 233. Friday is my weigh in day, and I was so excited to see 233.2 on the scale. I made a small goal for myself to lose 5lbs by the end of January. That means I have two weigh in Fridays left. So Friday I went to my best friends and hady free day, we grilled out and had so much fun. Saturday I did wonderful at work, but then when I got home I felt so hungry i couldn't stop eating. I over ate by about 1000 calories it felt like. Although I'm not sure, I decided logging it would be worse. Today I went to work and again was find, but I get home and I've had the urge to just completely pig out. I haven't so far but the urge is there and it's on full blast. Doin dishes didn't help. Cleaning my daughters room didn't help. Taking a nap didn't helps finding A movie didn't help. I am so beyond frustrated I've been doing so well only for this to happen. I want to hitting goal of 5lbs by the 31st. That would mean I would be 228 starting February. To be out of the 230s would be amazing. My halfway goal is 200 by my birthday, which is may 15th. But how to keep the willpower? How to make this horrible eat everything feeling go Away?!? How not to feel like a failure by messing up just one night. Most days it's so easy, I simply just don't want any of it. But this weekend I've wanted it all! I've wanted a carb Nd chocolate and greasy meat overload. Today so far I've made it but I still have a few hours until bedtime.
Doesn't help that no one in my house is really truly supportive, they eat whatever whenever and stay skinny. And jus look at me like I'm crZy when I say no to the tacos and cake and fried chicken.
I'm going crazy.......
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
SO, Iomsiltin here at work, watching Total Divas and reflecting on the week. yesterday was My and my Boyfriends two Year Anniversary ' and I realize, that was my Goal day that I had set in the Beginning of this year for Being under 200 LBs. And I am Nowhere close to My goal. I cant say Why I Slacked off But I am definitely disappointed In Myself-But all I Need to do is look forward.
It Makes me sad that I feel like I have wasted half of My 20's overweight. But I Need to do Something about that now instead of later. I always do So well, almost perfect even, foralmost three Months at a time then I fall away and It ends up SO destructive I turn 26 in may. MaY 15tH SO My goal at this Moment is to regroup and refocus S0 that hopefully . d can celebrate My Birthday as a different person. A happier person, a more confident person.
I have always had Body image issues And I am hoping to Journey to Beat those within the next 6 months.
I Look through the Media and all of the Skinny models. and I never want to Be skinny. I wait to Be fit And Muscular. Like the woman off of Total Divas or the Dallas Cheerleaders.
And I know if d dout take Care of Myself that I cant take Care of My family.
My Biggest issue is how to fit everything I Need to da into the Short day. It feels impossible. work 8-4, then fix dinner, clean up, homeschooling daughter for an hour a two then Bathtime Spend a bit of quality time with the Boyfriend then take him to work at 945, then a Nap, then Pick him up at 3, then Back to another Nap, then Backup at 630 for Breakfast and getting things situated for work. Its so hard to Choose what to give up far My exercise session. sometimes I wish I Could Be a Stay at home mom So I could get everything done. Cutting out 8 hrs of work would Make everything easier hahaha
I guess I need to figure it out. Its just hard. How does everyone do it?
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
so I never understand why it is So easy to fall off of the wagon And So hard to get Back on, I did so well for two months, then It was like I was thrown off. Then I'm like, ok today is the day, fix it. Then, pushed Back off the wagon.. A enjoy eating well and I absolutely love exercising. So why is it so had to stick to it? d always feel like I have to chase Between my family and Myself. And Its Nat fan, MY Boyfriend Needs this, My daughter needs that, I have to do Such-n-such for My job. Then I loose Myself and It just doesnt seem right. They want fast food d they want Mommy to help with this and I feel like ifidout put my family first then i am wrong I know as An adult we all Suppose to realize That life isnt fair But still, it just sucks.
I am gonna try and jump Back on the wagon today I just feel so selfish when I put Myself first
Lets see how thiS works out
Friday, June 28, 2013
Ok so considering that it is 5am and I'm blogging should show how frustrated I am.
I blogged earlier this month how I noticed randomly that I didn't have a period in may, now here it is June 28th and I still haven't started. I have taken four home tests and they have all said negative. I had stopped my gnc active pak vitamins since they have the fat burners and metabolism pills in them. But after the fourth negative I started them back.
The last two tests I even stopped drinking over a gallon a day and jus drank a "normal amount" of water. Still negative. Tested first thing in the morning for the last three, still negative.
My bf doesn't know that I am late I feel like its better not to worry him until I know what is going on.
As far as pregnancy symptoms, I haven't really noticed anything. I'm peeing about every hour but I'm drinking a gallon and a half of water a day. I'm bloated off and on but then again it could have been related to what I was eating too. As far as keen sense of smell, my nose has always been very sensitive. Not really any nausea, I'm tired as hell all the time but that can be the stress of fighting with my ex husband and working 60-80 hours a week too.
I've had some binge issues on the weekend and then eating 1,000-1200 calories a day during the week (I shoot for 1200 but some days I think I've reached it and I really haven't)
My boobs aren't sore or anything like that.
The only "pregnancy symptom" other than a late period that I can think of is that I've been wanting more cold sweet things lately like slushies and snow cones and ice cream floats. I didn't want dinner the other day just a float. Well, that and fatigue I guess.
One problem is I don't have insurance, I need to sign up for insurance for me and my daughter, but I'm having trouble financially and it's so expensive I wasn't gonna sign up yet unless I was pregnant but everything says no. Some of my friends say it could be the exercise but I don't do athlete training exercise. I'm doing the c25k and some weight training a couple days a week.
I feel like there is pressure/very mild cramping in my lower abdomen now, and I always think a child would be a joy and blessing I don't know if now is a good time. I'm in the middle of filing for divorce and bankruptsy from my ex husband (my daughters father) and my bf is still looking for a good job he only has a part time one right now and he is looking hard jus can't seem to find one.
Oh and before anyone asks me and my ex have been separated since 2009 so the relationship I'm in now and have been for a year and a half has no bearing on my exmarriage.
I'm jus frustrated too cause I can't go to the doc jus yet cause I think if I'm diagnosed before the insurance kicks in that It will be considered a pre-existing condition. I dunno which way to go, plus I really don't wanna stop exercising I've been doing so good (even though the scale isn't really moving at the moment and hasn't in like two weeks)
Ugh I'm jus all around frustrated. We don't really have a lot of unprotected sex either, last time it was unprotected was in the end of April I had an April period but not a may and so far not a June either.
I'm not sure if I can jus chalk it up to exercising and dieting though.
Ugh jus at a loss.......
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