Tuesday, November 12, 2013
SO, Iomsiltin here at work, watching Total Divas and reflecting on the week. yesterday was My and my Boyfriends two Year Anniversary ' and I realize, that was my Goal day that I had set in the Beginning of this year for Being under 200 LBs. And I am Nowhere close to My goal. I cant say Why I Slacked off But I am definitely disappointed In Myself-But all I Need to do is look forward.
It Makes me sad that I feel like I have wasted half of My 20's overweight. But I Need to do Something about that now instead of later. I always do So well, almost perfect even, foralmost three Months at a time then I fall away and It ends up SO destructive I turn 26 in may. MaY 15tH SO My goal at this Moment is to regroup and refocus S0 that hopefully . d can celebrate My Birthday as a different person. A happier person, a more confident person.
I have always had Body image issues And I am hoping to Journey to Beat those within the next 6 months.
I Look through the Media and all of the Skinny models. and I never want to Be skinny. I wait to Be fit And Muscular. Like the woman off of Total Divas or the Dallas Cheerleaders.
And I know if d dout take Care of Myself that I cant take Care of My family.
My Biggest issue is how to fit everything I Need to da into the Short day. It feels impossible. work 8-4, then fix dinner, clean up, homeschooling daughter for an hour a two then Bathtime Spend a bit of quality time with the Boyfriend then take him to work at 945, then a Nap, then Pick him up at 3, then Back to another Nap, then Backup at 630 for Breakfast and getting things situated for work. Its so hard to Choose what to give up far My exercise session. sometimes I wish I Could Be a Stay at home mom So I could get everything done. Cutting out 8 hrs of work would Make everything easier hahaha
I guess I need to figure it out. Its just hard. How does everyone do it?
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
so I never understand why it is So easy to fall off of the wagon And So hard to get Back on, I did so well for two months, then It was like I was thrown off. Then I'm like, ok today is the day, fix it. Then, pushed Back off the wagon.. A enjoy eating well and I absolutely love exercising. So why is it so had to stick to it? d always feel like I have to chase Between my family and Myself. And Its Nat fan, MY Boyfriend Needs this, My daughter needs that, I have to do Such-n-such for My job. Then I loose Myself and It just doesnt seem right. They want fast food d they want Mommy to help with this and I feel like ifidout put my family first then i am wrong I know as An adult we all Suppose to realize That life isnt fair But still, it just sucks.
I am gonna try and jump Back on the wagon today I just feel so selfish when I put Myself first
Lets see how thiS works out
Friday, June 28, 2013
Ok so considering that it is 5am and I'm blogging should show how frustrated I am.
I blogged earlier this month how I noticed randomly that I didn't have a period in may, now here it is June 28th and I still haven't started. I have taken four home tests and they have all said negative. I had stopped my gnc active pak vitamins since they have the fat burners and metabolism pills in them. But after the fourth negative I started them back.
The last two tests I even stopped drinking over a gallon a day and jus drank a "normal amount" of water. Still negative. Tested first thing in the morning for the last three, still negative.
My bf doesn't know that I am late I feel like its better not to worry him until I know what is going on.
As far as pregnancy symptoms, I haven't really noticed anything. I'm peeing about every hour but I'm drinking a gallon and a half of water a day. I'm bloated off and on but then again it could have been related to what I was eating too. As far as keen sense of smell, my nose has always been very sensitive. Not really any nausea, I'm tired as hell all the time but that can be the stress of fighting with my ex husband and working 60-80 hours a week too.
I've had some binge issues on the weekend and then eating 1,000-1200 calories a day during the week (I shoot for 1200 but some days I think I've reached it and I really haven't)
My boobs aren't sore or anything like that.
The only "pregnancy symptom" other than a late period that I can think of is that I've been wanting more cold sweet things lately like slushies and snow cones and ice cream floats. I didn't want dinner the other day just a float. Well, that and fatigue I guess.
One problem is I don't have insurance, I need to sign up for insurance for me and my daughter, but I'm having trouble financially and it's so expensive I wasn't gonna sign up yet unless I was pregnant but everything says no. Some of my friends say it could be the exercise but I don't do athlete training exercise. I'm doing the c25k and some weight training a couple days a week.
I feel like there is pressure/very mild cramping in my lower abdomen now, and I always think a child would be a joy and blessing I don't know if now is a good time. I'm in the middle of filing for divorce and bankruptsy from my ex husband (my daughters father) and my bf is still looking for a good job he only has a part time one right now and he is looking hard jus can't seem to find one.
Oh and before anyone asks me and my ex have been separated since 2009 so the relationship I'm in now and have been for a year and a half has no bearing on my exmarriage.
I'm jus frustrated too cause I can't go to the doc jus yet cause I think if I'm diagnosed before the insurance kicks in that It will be considered a pre-existing condition. I dunno which way to go, plus I really don't wanna stop exercising I've been doing so good (even though the scale isn't really moving at the moment and hasn't in like two weeks)
Ugh I'm jus all around frustrated. We don't really have a lot of unprotected sex either, last time it was unprotected was in the end of April I had an April period but not a may and so far not a June either.
I'm not sure if I can jus chalk it up to exercising and dieting though.
Ugh jus at a loss.......
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Ok so I literally jus sat down at work but I needed to blog. I'm so frustrated I jus wanna scream of hide in a hole or eat as much pasta and chocolate as I can get my hands on. I have been feeling pretty bloated this week. My stomach feels like its sticking out more, standing I feel fine but sitting I feel like a fat tub of lard.
I have been exercising pretty hard this week, I did a 16 hr shift on sunday and have ran every day since then. I have been switching it up too like Monday I jogged an hour Tuesday jogged 30 min then did some strength training we'd jogged for 30 min then some stretching. I have been staying in the 1200-1600 calorie range the whole week, good choices and at least a gallon of water a day, most days a gallon n a half. I am tired though, I enjoy exercising it kinda seems to be almost all I can think about for the moment even my daughter likes to join me. I work up a good sweat then make sure I'm scrubbing and using my exfoliating sponge really good.
I even said no to Chinese food yesterday and crab Rangoon is my favorite! I pack my lunch everyday for work so that I know what I'm gettin into and I eat a little every few hours.
I figured that since I was having a hard time I would hop on the scale, who am I kidding, I'm addicted to the scale if I could carry it around every day and weigh every time I pee I would :/ know that's not a good thing but still.......
So I've only lost 0.4 of a pound, wtf I mean seriously?!?!? Why???? I'm doing everything!!!!!! Salads and veggies and lean proteins and protein shakes after exercising. Why am I fat and bloated and miserable?!?!?! Why is the scale not budging!!!!! Why do I was cuss and rant and rave at everyone and tear s*** up. That's really the kinda mood I'm in I'm not normally hateful I'm normally really chi but today I feel pretty pissed off. I'm so frustrated I can't figure out if I wanna stop eating or eat everything in sight. I think maybe I should get on the treadmill and work out my frustrations but then too I feel like maybe if I took a rest day today that tomorrow's weigh in would go better. I jus dunno but I know I wanna scream.
On top of that I took three pregnancy tests, my monthy visitor still has not come. All three were negative and I waited a good while between them stopped taking my vitapak that I take everyday religiously, and didnt drink as much water thinking that I was flushing out the little bit of hormones that would be in my urine with almost 2 gallons of water.
Since all three were negative I started taking my vitamins last week.
Ok so I notice a difference in my body. Everything feels more loose and jiggly and I hate it. My thighs, my stomach, my upper arms. I had lost an inch on one of my upper arms but the saggy jigglyness is there. That I can live with for a little while. The stomach and the thighs however are a no go, I'm so frustrated my thighs used to look pretty solid now they look pretty bad. A little bit of saggy but mostly loose and jiggly. Omg I'm mad. I do leg exercises too, more leg exercises than arm exercises. And I think my stomach has went up am inch this week >:(
I really am jus angry all the way around. I'm not gonna give up jus yet but I feel like sayin f*** it.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
So I had an incredibly long weekend, I pulled 2 16hr shifts back to back at my second job and ran on only like 3 hrs of sleep each night. Then Sunday night we had a bad storm knock out the power for a few, get home from work at 2am and none of the appliances are working, it looks like everything was fried. Lights would flicker on and off and it was jus beyond stressful. My neighbor told me lightning hit the transformer next to our townhouse..... Well great, we all thought we would have to replace everything down tithe fridge and the ac The company came out and decided that two "legs" had blown and the one that was working was only working at 1/2 the power, so they fixed it and it fixed our problem thank god. We all were stressing bout what to do. So Sunday and Monday I barely paid attention to what I ate. Monday I was jus too stressed from the power issue, Sunday was a different story.
So the month of may I didn't have my monthy visitor, I thought maybe its jus late from all the exercise, Mother Nature was due around 15-20th. Still at June 10th there was nothing and Sunday I was feeling a lil nauseous. So I took a few tests, one last tues, one sun and one this morning, they all say negative. So I'm guessin I'm not pregnant which in a way is a good thing, I know it's not "the right time" (even though do babies ever really come at the right time???) lol I had stopped my vitapak over the weekend when I started to really suspect cause I'm taking the womens ultra mega active vitapak from gnc that has the metabolism boosters as well as the cla pill for fat loss, figured that definitely wouldn't be good if there was a baby. Since all three tests have said negative I will start taking them again today.
I have torn feelings, sad but happy. We weren't trying or anything. It woulda definitely been a surprise. I woulda been excited to have another baby but at the same time I know it woulda thrown off the great results I'm having so far.
I never told my bf, I woulda told him def if it was positive but no reason to worry him and get him excited unless I'm positive.
On another note, my skinny as a rail 6'9 boyfriend that only weighs like 210 lbs has never really been part of any of my diet and weight loss attempts, he gets to eat what he wants x40 and not gain a lb. this go round he seems to slowly be more and more supportive. This morning makes twice that I have sent him into the storefor a few things and he has come out with lil things for my diet lol. I think it's so cute cause he has to show me everything he got. It's so cute cause at three this mornin he is showing me "I got you this yogurt and this yogurt and this salad and this kinda fiber one bar and your favorite salad dressing" lol I jus wanted to video tape it (Most of the time we grocery shop at 230 in the mornin cause that Is what time he gets off work and the stores aren't near as packed lol. I think it's cool to see the change in him, I dunno what jolted him to start helping and being supportive but I definitely like it.
This weekend has been a bad weekend but hopefully today I am getting back to my grind. I feel kinda out of sorts but will be back to 100% in no time :)
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