Monday, April 14, 2014
We all have a story to tell. Here's a little of mine. You women would understand a bit more of what I'm about to say.
As you know..I'm single, never married, and date a wonderful man who is so kind to me. I respect him and love him dearly. He is a man of honor and I appreciate him so much. But I have a history.
In my early years I had all the dreams of being a wife and mother and living a normal/average life of cleaning house and cooking meals and ironing shirts..yaddah, yaddah, yaddah!. I met my 'dream man' when I was an early teen. He was clean cut, conservative, and I loved his family. They were church people, and we had the same values and expectations.
When we were 20 we went to the annual church youth camp and just clicked. He was leaving for a stint in the Navy and I was heading off for a Christian college in another state. We wrote, called and when I came home from the term, he called and asked me to come and be with his family while he was on leave. He had changed so much. I thought he was beautiful!
I went to his home and even though there were awkward moments I just knew he was the one. But, half way through the visit (by the way, he stayed with his brother and sister in law while I was there so that there wouldn't be any gossip) he just disappeared. I kept asking but none of the relatives would tell me what was going on. After several days, I told his father to contact him and tell him to take me home. He showed up and I packed and left.
A few weeks later I got my Dear Jane letter. He had run into an old high school girlfriend who had made him 'feel good'. He wanted to be friends. I never responded. I ran into him several years later at a church convention and he approached me again. His wife, the old girlfriend, was there with their 2 adopted children. I felt like I had just been shot again. No pain like old pain.
I think back then was when I decided that I would never marry and that my life would be one of semi-isolation. I eventually healed, but the self-abuse was so evident. I was 200 pounds heavier and hated myself. Over the last few years I have learned so much by using the SP program and becoming part of it's family. This man did not make me gain weight or miss having a normal life. My choices were my own. I was responsible for who I was and what I became in appearance and attitude. I dove into education and earned 7 college degrees, traveled, used my music and presentation skills to create a wonderful life by the grace of God and I have found great happiness in what I've had. But, last night I had a flood of emotions come back over my heart when I got a message from this man's brother announcing that he had died suddenly. I found his FB page and was amazed that he had no family pics, no information, no 'anything' posted. Just the 3 pics I've put on this blog.
Life just happens. We are born, we live, and we die. It's not a sad thing...unless we never say goodbye. To sound real syrupy...I cried myself to sleep last night. I was sad for the days lost, the decisions made, the time I spent missing something/someone who was never mine.
I will continue to mourn my youth...but I will live on..and pray for his family and think of him from time to time, but time has made a change in me. the memories are bitter sweet. God has been good to me and I hope that he had a rich, full life. I will continue to turn the pages. Life will go on.
If you're hanging on to something that is barricading your success...let it go. If someone doesn't love you...love yourself. If life doesn't turn out the way you think it should, go with plan B and keep going. And keep going....and keep going. Don't tie yourself up with grief and regret and bitterness and any negative that keeps you from becoming the best you can be. It's not worth the energy to hang on to a past that makes you sad. Get up...say goodbye...shake it off...cry if you must ...then wipe the tears...wash your face...square your shoulders...and Keep Sparkin'!!! You're worth it!