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TATTER3's Recent Blog Entries
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Saturday, February 06, 2010
One of my down falls is not being organized. I have a dozen projects going at once, stack papers all over the place, never balance my checkbook and sort of live by the seat of my pants. My ability to lose things is notorious and sometimes, it's worse than others....but sometimes I get a wild hair and determine that I'm going to 'set things straight' and spend a week or 2 cleaning out clutter and starting all over again.
The only thing that I've been consistent with for the last year is Sparking. I come on the site everyday, log points, get up early in the morning to do my exercise video and list my foods, and do what I know to do to live a healthier life. My physical condition has improved and I see positive changes in a lot of my personal life. But I also see a lot of work left to be done. I have a heart 'condition' that causes me to fluctuate dramatically day by day on my weight. I gained 6 pounds from yesterday until today, will take my medicine and wait. Tomorrow, the weight may be off again. but I can't look at the day to day numbers...I have to look at the whole picture. I weigh less than I did at this time last year and I am moving more easily and even have a better attitude to boot. I have hope. And that brings me to the 'list'.
I read the Spark....incorporating it into my day to day can be a little difficult at times (think how long it took me to get that new vision board going) but I keep reading and working on it. One of the things that I'm looking at right now is the list, 'The Sparklist' on page 158. I'm (as usual) sort of making it my own version. The idea is to think about motivational activities, events, and maybe abilities that a sparker would want to accomplish. Well, before I start working on another project...I have to clean out some clutter.
One of the things that has held me back is negative memories. People who have hurt or harmed me, done me wrong in one way or another, misused, abused, accused and used me until I took a mental snapshot and hung it on my memory board. So....I made a list. (Some of you are not going to agree with this).
I titled it "Grudges" and I began to write. I put the person's name then the event and then how long I have held the grudge. Then I began to think about where those people are in my life right now. Guess what I found? Not many people ended up on that list and........
Not one of those folks were in my life today...and the most recent 'grudge' was still years past. That's when I had to ask myself....do I really want this emotional baggage lying around? Do I really ever spend time thinking about any of these people? Do I even care anymore?
I'm creating more lists....one is called regrets, one is called shame, and another is called something else, but the bottom line (I love that term) is that as I write the lists...I see that they're useless. Sort of like an old grocery list or a bunch of expired coupons. Why do I need them?
So for now...I'm going to go ahead and get all of this together...all of these bad news lists...and just see what I have in front of me. It's like speaking. Words, thoughts, and ideas...and memories..can be so frightening, so overwhelming ...until spoken or written down and read (and sometimes read out loud). Once I can see what's been distracting me...I can choose to set it aside, throw it away, or share it (which probably won't happen any time soon). Then my focus won't be so foggy as I create my wanna list for future Sparkin'.
Just like we hang onto old clothes that don't fit or are worn out, we can hang onto ideas and memories. Sparkpeople ideology encourages us to clean out our closets....maybe we ought to go deeper.
What can you put on your lists that aren't edifying to your Spark journey? What can you let go of that will leave you stronger and brighter than you've ever been before. We can do this...we can learn to let go. I wish you good thoughts and a peaceful mind.
Keep Sparkin'!!!!
Thursday, February 04, 2010
I have introduced a discussion site for individuals who have survived sexual, physical, or any type of abuse in their lives. Please come to the 50 Pound Challenge team and look under Tatter's Corner in the discussion forum section for more information. This is a general topic group to support and inform. If you feel like you're alone in this, just join us and know that you have a lot of caring people who will support you as you head toward success and healing.
Even if you don't want to post, this might be a good place to visit from time to time just to find some caring support. I'm here for you.
Monday, February 01, 2010
He was 14 years old and the third son of an abusive, alcoholic father and an uncouth, loud unorganized mother. Acne covered his face and his silence hid the distracting stutter he was known for until much later in his adult life. His little brother was 5 years old and boasted a flat-top hair cut that was considered stylish in the day. The boys shared the bedroom at the foot of the stairs in a house that had been created over an old garage, The building stank of dirt and soiled clothes and musky smells that come from scarce cleanings and windowless walls.
I think I was about 7, but I always feel like I was older when I remember events from then. I don't think with mercy or understanding...I just think with the should have, could have mentalities that come from shame washing.
The older boy, and that's all he was, just a boy, ushered me into the years filled with self-loathing that still haunt prayers and secrets. They had one walk in closet and on some hot summer afternoon took turns educating themselves about the anatomy of a little girl. I had no words back then to describe the time under that bare light bulb, pushed back against fallen piles of coats and jeans crammed into the space pretending to be put away. But I developed the feelings that come from whispers and threats and fear and shame and knowing that it was all my fault. Boys only wanted bad girls, the ones mother called sluts and whores and if the boys had spent so much time with me then they must have known just by looking at me that I was 'that' kind of girl. My mother said boys never liked fat girls. I ate until I was fat, more than fat, huge. My mother said boys only wanted 'good' girls and I became very good and religious and righteous and I never told. But the boys could see what the fat couldn't hide and the holy virtues couldn't disguise. I never said a word. I shoved it all into the night mind and kept it smothered and bound and for years I wore the cloak of knowing what I should not have known.
I'm an old woman now...but, when I remember, I still feel that old anxiety and I still have to fight the urge to run and eat something...anything that will stuff the feelings back down inside.
We don't live there anymore...in the past that is. On that hot afternoon I could have fought and cried and made noise and done....something, but I didn't. And later I did do something. I ate and I carried the closet into every moment of my life. Hiding, whispering, always doubting, fearing, and just surviving.
Some of you have had your own 'events' that you are just now facing and conquering. Don't stop. Don't give up. To be able to face the past is a big part of facing tomorrow. You might have survived the worst of the worst, but scarred or not...you have survived. You owe it to yourself to keep going and being and learning and doing everything you can to prove that your personal prophecies were and are wrong. You did not ask to have the traumas you've gone through,.....but you can demand more of yourself than your past has offered. You are in charge. SP gives you the tools and the community. I challenge you...and myself ....to just
Keep Sparkin'!!!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I didn't write this but found it on my business e-mail this morning. Hope whoever reads this enjoys it as much as I did.
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READ THIS VERY SLOWLY... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because People cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? ;And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see her sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi'?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift.......Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND including me if you consider me a friend. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!'
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Well, that's about it. I won't be going out to grab a triple decker ice cream cone, but I'm really working on a better attitude . I want to dance. Not race invisible competitors in my mind....I just want to dance.
I appreciate my teams and my Spark friends. If this were my last day on earth, I'd.....
Keep Sparkin'!!!!
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You made me stop and think about my on negative things that I need to let go of!
Member Comments About This Blog Post:
Yes, this is so true.. 
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I'm not up to page 158 yet I'm on page 96 or so, I read a little everyday.
I too love to spark, I exercise an hour a day log it.. gotta get those fitness minutes up,log all my food, I post to the boards, blog, reply to blogs etc. spark is fun.