Monday, June 17, 2013
Well, it's real hard to admit this, but after 3 years of healthy living and sparking, I fell off the wagon. For the past year, I added 40 lbs back. Egads. Typing it out makes me take a deep breath because there is the truth in black and white. It happened slowly, insidiously, creeping in. I really thought I had figured it out, finally, finally. I have chastised myself over and over and got really depressed. But, a few weeks ago something "sparked" in me again. I've been back on spark and it feels like home again.....why did I leave? I've turned things around from gaining to losing and that horrible bloat has finally left. I hope I'm here to stay for the next 42 pounds and forever.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Today I hit something of a milestone - I am down 80 lbs - 80% to goal. And, you know, I think just maybe I have also had a catharsis recently. I was telling my husband (for the hundreth time) something I often say in posts and emails to other sparkers "you know I'm no expert on the subject" and hubby says to me "but you actually are an expert now - being an expert doesn't mean you know everything on a subject - it means you have learned a great deal on it and are continuing to learn". That really struck me and got me thinking. I've been so focused on the NEXT pound. Stay dilegent, stay diligent, stay diligent has been my mantra. I haven't really allowed myself to celebrate my accomplishments lest it make me lose focus.
But, I thought, dang girl, losing 80 lbs is pretty good. You've attacked this thing, this albatross that has been hanging on your neck for 40 long years, on all levels - with the mental being perhaps the hardest of all (although they were all hard). And you've learned so much that I couldn't possibly have envisioned when I took the first shaky step of this journey. It's like you just have to start walking down the path and with each twist and turn new landscapes, obstacles and knowledge are revealed to you. Sometimes I have felt like a fraud because I have fallen so many times. I've been fat all my life - battled bulimia and binge eating. Forty years of disordered eating does not get wiped clean overnight - not by a long shot. I was 200 lbs in high school. The mental scars of merciless tauting were carved deep into my soul and my unhealthy lifestyle had firmly taken root. (btw I recently set up a facebook page and joined my old high school FB page - it was STUNNING to see that many, if not most, of the cheerleaders and others who seemingly took such joy in taunting me are now actually obese themselves - I was the ONLY fat girl in my high school 30 years ago and now I am probably one of the thinnest people from my graduating class - part of me was deeply satisfied that karma exists, but then, I wish obesity on no one, even those who carved such deep scars into my soul)
On this journey, I have often taken two steps forward only to be slammed back hard. I have cried so often, feeling defeated, frustrated, alone. The difference though, the difference now is I made a vow to keep going no matter what. It's been far from perfect. But now, just maybe, it is a time to celebrate what I have indeed accomplished. I'm not there yet - heck I know when I do get to goal some magic curtain won't be opening to make all the struggles go away. This is a lifelong committment but I am finally at a place where I *know* I'm up for it. Give me what you got baby, I can handle it. My new lifestyle, while I wasn't even looking, has crept into to my psyche and taken root. It is the most WONDERFUL feeling ever to be strong, healthy, sexy, confident and FREE. I feel all those things now. Yes, maybe the time has come to give myself permission to celebrate.
Monday, May 24, 2010
I've been thinking a lot about plateaus lately because I just came off of my 3rd one in the past 2 years. The first one was easily understandable and only lasted about 5 weeks. I had lost weight very rapidly in the beginning, probably 25 lbs in the first 10 weeks when I hit that first plateau. Looking back, it was my body's way of saying whoa!!! It also made me realize that the honeymoon period was over and nothing was going to be easy from here on out. Every single pound would be hard won.
The second plateau was much different. It came after a good year and 55 or so lbs were gone. I think that plateau was more mental than physical. I was starting to get a lot of compliments, for the 1st time in my life I could shop in the regular section and my mind just kind of freaked. I needed some time to mentally adapt to the changes my body had undergone. It really felt like I had been released from a 40 year prison and the sun was temporarily blinding. That plateau lasted a good 6 months. It was also different in that I was eating more than I had been in the initial phase, so the fact that I was plateauing was not a mystery. I did a lot of mental work in this phase and shed a lot of tears too, but looking back it was very cathartic.
This last plateau was an altogether different animal that the 1st two. I still haven't figured it out totally. I was doing all the things I had been doing - eating better than ever, exercising harder than ever and everything just kind of stopped in the weight loss department. This 3rd plateau lasted almost 3 months. I kept thinking "if I was doing all these things at 248 lbs, the weight would be flying off of me". But, I think the answer probably lies right there. I'm not 248 lbs anymore, I'm 170 and the lifestyle that will cause weight loss at 248 is different from the lifestyle needed to cause weight loss at 170. I realized I needed to step it up because it's a different ballgame now. I dropped my calories by 200 per day and added in some swimming and sprints. I had been walking as my primary exercise for 2 years and I think my body has adapted to that - what was once hard is easy for it now.
What I have really learned is that change is the one constant - in life and in my health journey. So, I finally broke thru this latest plateau and the scale is once again moving in the right direction. Who knows how many more I'll face before reaching goal. In so many ways this has been a journey of discovery and as frustrating and maddening as they are, plateaus have taught me some of the greatest lessons I needed to learn.
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