Friday, March 29, 2013
I ate a Krispy Kreme glazed donut today… This isn’t a guilty confession though, what’s kind of ironically funny about eating it is I am not even a fan of donuts, if I was going to “loss my morals” over something it would probably be chips and dip not something sweet but there it was a box a Krispy Kreme’s I don’t even remember walking over to the box or even chewing it, it was almost like something took over my body and devoured the thing as I just stood by and watched. I’m now sitting at my desk drinking tons of water to try to get this crazy sugar high out of my system as quickly as possible. Right after I finished said donut I saw the article from spark people the talks about mental cues that make us cave to the crave, the funny part is I wasn’t even craving it, I didn’t even want it but I mindlessly ate it? It was the closest thing I can describe as my body being on auto pilot.
The sucky part is I have been doing so good to keep my sugar intake super low and that was a huge sugar intake. I had a moment of feeling defeat but then gathered myself again and thought I will track this donut and I will not just throw away the rest of the day like I have so many times in the past. The not so distant old me would have thought “ well great I complete blew today I might as well eat what I want and try again tomorrow” I’m thankful that the old me at least would always try again tomorrow but the new me just said “well you ate something that wasn’t so great for you, track it and try better for the rest of the day” It has taken me so long almost 27 years of living to realize at any time I can do something, anything to turn that day into a good day even if I go all hog wild during lunch I still have the option to eat a sensible dinner or get more exercise.
I guess my point is that no matter how bad the deed of the day was my SP family has taught me that instead of hating myself or throwing in the towel on that day I can at any point choose to do something healthy in that same day.
The best part is I am going into Easter knowing the “dangers” I have also recreated some of my favorites to be less calories and fat so I can still enjoy stuff I want just without all the not so good for me part.
I also have been starting to look at food with a weird thought, especially after I work out when someone offers something really high cal or fat I look at it and literally in vision it undoing all the hard work I just did. I can’t help but wonder if this is “normal” or if anyone else has started to think that way.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
“We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with determination, joy, and bravery.”
I learned a very important lesson this past week, one should always speak kindly and with as much tact as possible as you never know what another has been through or is going through. I have always been a soft spoken person who cares about the words I direct towards others but this past weekend was a great reminder in just how important your words can be in either tearing someone down or lifting them up.
Against my better judgment I went on a somewhat blind date this past weekend, I say against my better judgment because in my heart I knew that right now is my time to shine, it is a season of time to focus on my goals specifically my fitness, nutrition, health and finishing my degree. Having a relationship takes a huge part of that focus away. I say sort of blind date because this guy and I had exchanged pictures and talked all week before deciding to meet. After a week of talking to each other we started to like each other in a personality sense and were very excited to meet. He was warm, friendly and very open about himself. We talked about our passions and how fitness and nutrition is a huge thing to us both. We met Saturday night and he was acting so weird the whole time, I asked him if he was nervous or still feeling sick and he said not nervous just a little sick still so I shrugged it off. At the end of the night it ended well with a hug and kiss then we parted ways. The next morning I text him as I normally would saying “good morning” about 20 minutes later I get a text that shook my foundation. He said he felt a little deceived by me as I was bigger than my pictures indicated or than I lead him to believe by all my talking about counting calories and fitness that I was in shape. He said he liked me but was very torn by the situation. But he felt my pictures do not show who I really am…
I was shocked, hurt and baffled by this, to be clear my pictures have not been tampered with nor are they old at all in fact most of them were taken two months ago before I lost 30lbs, after having so many people praise and cheer me on for my weight loss and determination here was one person that decided to tear me down for it. After the tears subsided I decided to text him back with the best response I could think of, I told him I am sorry if he felt deceived as that was not my intention. I am obsessed with fitness and nutrition as that is a huge part of my life and just because someone talks about such things all the time doesn’t mean they are a size 2 which looking at my pictures clearly I am not. It seemed like to me if in person he decided that he just didn’t feel anything for me why not just say I am sorry I just am not that into you. Why tell someone they are not good enough?
I struggled with this for days after feeling like no matter how much I try I will always be seen as less and why try when even after losing 30 pounds I am still seen as fat and unacceptable. Then it dawned on me that it ultimately doesn’t matter what this guy thought I can either use his opinion to cripple me or I can use it to fuel my fire for success. I stood in front of the mirror and thought sure one guy didn’t like you, who cares… it only matters that I like what I see and truth be told I love the changes I have worked hard for and I love me.
A friend once said “ If you want to Soar then you must learn to F.L.Y. (First love yourself)"
So far I may have dropped nearly 36lbs and I have broken some huge mental blocks that have kept me where I was but the biggest breakthrough has been learning to love myself in any stage through every change. I honestly do love whom I was (she taught me so much) whom I am (is learning and pushing limits) and who I am becoming (knows no boundaries she can accomplish anything)
So far this week I have been very diligent in my workouts and I am starting to find that a lot of it is mental and now that I am past my mental block (work outs are torture not fun) I am having actual fun doing workouts. I am loving Coach Nicoles 28 day bootcamp as well as doing an hour and just dance after makes me feel like I am having fun like a kid.
No matter what anyone tells you, you don’t have to stay within the lines.
Monday, March 25, 2013
I have admittedly be a little lax on myself lately about exercise and exact nutrition which officially ended yesterday, I had allowed myself to take some time to still eat healthy and remember my morals while moving and getting back to situated. Well I am all situated and it is high time to get back to counting the calories and exercise.
I started this journey on lean cuisines pretty much, I know those aren’t the best choice ever but I feel if that is what the first step takes then it’s a lot better than not starting at all. Now I find myself not liking any of the lean cuisines I find myself starting to crave fresher stuff like my body just knows what it should be wanting and needed now. So I still have my certain weight loss and fitness goals for this month but a new goal is to really try to pre-prepare my lunches instead of eating lean cuisines it just sounds so much better.
I was reading a book not long ago about overcoming yourself, your fears and weakness to be specific and in that book it said that you should give identity to those parts of you that start to speak negatively and call them out, at first I thought this only promotes craziness (and this may be true but it’s my kinda crazy) but it is actually so you can physically call that part of yourself out and tell it to stop, take away its power. As mean as it may sound I refer to the voice/feeling in me that starts to tell me I am bored or sad so I should eat a tub of ice-cream to feel better “Katie’s inner fat kid” at first this started out as me loathing my inner fat kid after bingeing by saying “why’d you make me do that inner fat kid…why?” slowly but surely I am now able to accept that fat kid part of me, yes she loves all that is bad for our body but she is a fun gal and knows how to enjoy things….just too much for too long. In other words Katie’s inner fat kid needs to learn moderation and to eat to live not live to eat.
Yesterday was a pretty hard day emotionally, on my way to a friend’s house I stopped off at a convenience store, my sister was with me and knew emotionally I was upset so she suggested we get an ice cream… normally my inner fat kid would have eaten that ice cream until I couldn’t feel feelings or the rest of my body.. but yesterday she was quiet it was just me dealing with my emotions in a healthy way, I told my sister that food would not make the situation better it would only make me feel worse in the long run and that I can cope without it.
See as crazy as it sounds I needed to put a name to that part of me and over time constantly address/ teach my inner fat kid that I am not going to keep doing this and handling things in a harmful way. That food is fuel, it can be enjoyed of course, but not used to medicate myself.
The thing I have noticed about people going through or maintaining their weight loss is everyone mentions the mental and emotional changes they have noticed more than anything. Something about having to face down everything about you that got you to where you are and got you on the road to changing. Behold the things you learn about yourself on this this crazy epic journey.
Although I know I haven’t seen the last of my inner fat kid it has gotten a lot easier to tell her no and chose to handle things healthier. So to anyone struggling with their inner fat kid, I totally understand.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
I was sitting back the other day pondering what or who I would be like if I had never been overweight…
I know a lot of people here were not always over weight they gained weight over time, have you sat back and wondered what if you hadn’t?
For those of us that have always fought being overweight, have you imagined what if you were always skinny, who you would be? Would you be so kind and understanding?
Would you be the same without the powerful lessons that had to be learned through this journey, perhaps something worse than being overweight would have happen to strengthen you.
Would you trade all the sweat, tears, friends, connections, support, victories, smiles, lessons, and persistence (just to name a few) that it took to get where you are now in order to be thin to start with.
For those of you who have lost it all just to gain it all back and are on your second round, know this if you can be a success story you can also be strong enough to be a starting over story.
As I read all the amazing comments my spark family left on my last blog for me I couldn’t help an overwhelming feeling of love and relation, here were many people from all walks of life reaching out to me, identifying with my struggles and encouraging me to push on. Every time I come to a victory over myself I can’t describe the feelings inside, it’s a way better feeling than giving in or giving up, I wouldn’t have learned the things I have now without having gained the weight and having to learn how to lose it, I wouldn’t have been introduced to a family that so much love and support is given to strangers with similar goals, heart aches and accomplishments. So I have to say as much as I would love to put on a way small size of clothing and I will someday I wouldn’t trade what I have been given for what could have been. I wouldn’t trade the strong confident person this journey is molding me into for a pair of size 6 jeans to fit from the get go. I didn’t always feel this way of course at the beginning I would have said I would totally rather been skinny all my life and not dealt with the heart aches and my inner demons I have had to overcome and still have to fight.
Maybe it’s a weird way of thinking but many people who often have something traumatic like a near death experience makes them appreciate living more, just like people who have lost a loved one tend to not take their remaining loved ones for granted, I sit here feeling like this has been hard probably the hardest battle I will fight in my life but every week I am finding victory in loss, I’m learning I will fall but I also will always get up and try again and just keep moving forward. I’ve learned I am not alone in my food addiction which has allowed me to push past it so many times so far and to learn I need to eat to live not live to eat.
Just some “food” for thought ;0)
You all are my heroes!
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