THERIN52   4,615
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Feeling the fizzle

Monday, April 15, 2013

So here I am a couple months into my weight loss, I am staying steady with not gaining and even losing a pound here and there but to be honest the last two weeks I haven’t been trying very hard, I think I might be feeling a bit of a burn out feeling, I don’t want to stop counting my calories though I haven’t been too great at it lately and my exercise YIKES only explains that one.. I end up sitting on the couch trying to get myself to just do it but I end up not.. I guess this is my time to step back and make myself realize how bad I want this, I can’t let it go as I would be just going back to unhappy and honestly exercise and nutrition is all I can seem to think about or read about so how to I turn a mental obsession into a physical act.. I read all the time these fitness blogs and learning about clean eating and my eating has been getting cleaner but I need to not fall short of my goals once again, I really wanted to reach a goal by my birthday and I hate to see another birthday come and go without meeting my goals.

I think every week keeps being busy I keep saying to myself “don’t worry next week will be calmer then you can really give it 110%” but the next week is just as crazy.

I guess the only answer is for me to just do it. It feels like there is something I want so bad but so many mental blocks are holding my from it or it’s just my own laziness fighting me…

I feel like I have made great strides in the mental food issues and relationship with food, my whole outlook on food is way different then when I started but I just can't see to get a handle on actually working out and I am not sure what my issue is.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEET_CAROLYN 4/16/2013 10:42PM

    We ALL hit those times when we burn out. Counting calories, choosing healthy foods, getting your exercise - it's all tough choices, especially harder with all the temptations to eat naughty and be sedentary.

You have made amazing progress!! Never forget how far you've come!!

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    I find when I am in the zone and tracking my food diligently, the weight slides off. My issues aren't with exercise, but have been with food, so I find this really works. For working out, just go and start. Starting is better than not. Join a learn to run group, hire a personal trainer at your gym....heck, even just join a gym and walk on the treadmill then do some elliptical. Then sit in the corner and do some sit-ups. Then repeat the next day. Just start! Whether you feel like it or think you have time or not.

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Did I seriously just eat that?!?!

Friday, March 29, 2013

I ate a Krispy Kreme glazed donut today… This isn’t a guilty confession though, what’s kind of ironically funny about eating it is I am not even a fan of donuts, if I was going to “loss my morals” over something it would probably be chips and dip not something sweet but there it was a box a Krispy Kreme’s I don’t even remember walking over to the box or even chewing it, it was almost like something took over my body and devoured the thing as I just stood by and watched. I’m now sitting at my desk drinking tons of water to try to get this crazy sugar high out of my system as quickly as possible. Right after I finished said donut I saw the article from spark people the talks about mental cues that make us cave to the crave, the funny part is I wasn’t even craving it, I didn’t even want it but I mindlessly ate it? It was the closest thing I can describe as my body being on auto pilot.

The sucky part is I have been doing so good to keep my sugar intake super low and that was a huge sugar intake. I had a moment of feeling defeat but then gathered myself again and thought I will track this donut and I will not just throw away the rest of the day like I have so many times in the past. The not so distant old me would have thought “ well great I complete blew today I might as well eat what I want and try again tomorrow” I’m thankful that the old me at least would always try again tomorrow but the new me just said “well you ate something that wasn’t so great for you, track it and try better for the rest of the day” It has taken me so long almost 27 years of living to realize at any time I can do something, anything to turn that day into a good day even if I go all hog wild during lunch I still have the option to eat a sensible dinner or get more exercise.

I guess my point is that no matter how bad the deed of the day was my SP family has taught me that instead of hating myself or throwing in the towel on that day I can at any point choose to do something healthy in that same day.

The best part is I am going into Easter knowing the “dangers” I have also recreated some of my favorites to be less calories and fat so I can still enjoy stuff I want just without all the not so good for me part.

I also have been starting to look at food with a weird thought, especially after I work out when someone offers something really high cal or fat I look at it and literally in vision it undoing all the hard work I just did. I can’t help but wonder if this is “normal” or if anyone else has started to think that way.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EILEEN828 4/12/2013 4:42AM

    I applaud the fact that you are recognizing that you can look at food and not desire it. This is fantastic. It takes a long time of consistent thinking to get your mind to think that way without effort. So good for you. emoticon

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SWEET_CAROLYN 4/3/2013 4:18PM

    This is most definitely something I am trying to get into the habit of - realizing that one "bad food choice" shouldn't ruin my day! I would too say, "Oops, well, why bother trying to be good today? I'll just start again tomorrow!" instead of saying, "OK, well, that was one mistake, back on track TODAY".

Thank you for an awesome blog!

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RENATARUNS 3/29/2013 2:39PM

    I had a moment like that (even though not with anything quite so calorie-ific as a Krispy Kreme), and I think what's actually disturbing about it isn't that you ate something you didn't plan to eat, it's that you didn't even consciously make a choice. In my case I just made a note of it to be more aware of myself, and happily, it hasn't happened again.

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PRETTYPITHY 3/29/2013 2:24PM

    One doughnut definitely won't upset the apple cart. I'm trying to avoid sugar, too. It puts me in a mental fog, among other unappealing side effects. Still, one or two indulgences now and again are not going to set us too far back. emoticon

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RENATA144 3/29/2013 1:50PM

  Guilt is more toxic than a ... Food choice. You have to enjoy your Life.

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Fun and Mental is Fundamental

Thursday, March 28, 2013

“We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with determination, joy, and bravery.”
~Mr. Magorium

I learned a very important lesson this past week, one should always speak kindly and with as much tact as possible as you never know what another has been through or is going through. I have always been a soft spoken person who cares about the words I direct towards others but this past weekend was a great reminder in just how important your words can be in either tearing someone down or lifting them up.

Against my better judgment I went on a somewhat blind date this past weekend, I say against my better judgment because in my heart I knew that right now is my time to shine, it is a season of time to focus on my goals specifically my fitness, nutrition, health and finishing my degree. Having a relationship takes a huge part of that focus away. I say sort of blind date because this guy and I had exchanged pictures and talked all week before deciding to meet. After a week of talking to each other we started to like each other in a personality sense and were very excited to meet. He was warm, friendly and very open about himself. We talked about our passions and how fitness and nutrition is a huge thing to us both. We met Saturday night and he was acting so weird the whole time, I asked him if he was nervous or still feeling sick and he said not nervous just a little sick still so I shrugged it off. At the end of the night it ended well with a hug and kiss then we parted ways. The next morning I text him as I normally would saying “good morning” about 20 minutes later I get a text that shook my foundation. He said he felt a little deceived by me as I was bigger than my pictures indicated or than I lead him to believe by all my talking about counting calories and fitness that I was in shape. He said he liked me but was very torn by the situation. But he felt my pictures do not show who I really am…
I was shocked, hurt and baffled by this, to be clear my pictures have not been tampered with nor are they old at all in fact most of them were taken two months ago before I lost 30lbs, after having so many people praise and cheer me on for my weight loss and determination here was one person that decided to tear me down for it. After the tears subsided I decided to text him back with the best response I could think of, I told him I am sorry if he felt deceived as that was not my intention. I am obsessed with fitness and nutrition as that is a huge part of my life and just because someone talks about such things all the time doesn’t mean they are a size 2 which looking at my pictures clearly I am not. It seemed like to me if in person he decided that he just didn’t feel anything for me why not just say I am sorry I just am not that into you. Why tell someone they are not good enough?

I struggled with this for days after feeling like no matter how much I try I will always be seen as less and why try when even after losing 30 pounds I am still seen as fat and unacceptable. Then it dawned on me that it ultimately doesn’t matter what this guy thought I can either use his opinion to cripple me or I can use it to fuel my fire for success. I stood in front of the mirror and thought sure one guy didn’t like you, who cares… it only matters that I like what I see and truth be told I love the changes I have worked hard for and I love me.

A friend once said “ If you want to Soar then you must learn to F.L.Y. (First love yourself)"

So far I may have dropped nearly 36lbs and I have broken some huge mental blocks that have kept me where I was but the biggest breakthrough has been learning to love myself in any stage through every change. I honestly do love whom I was (she taught me so much) whom I am (is learning and pushing limits) and who I am becoming (knows no boundaries she can accomplish anything)

So far this week I have been very diligent in my workouts and I am starting to find that a lot of it is mental and now that I am past my mental block (work outs are torture not fun) I am having actual fun doing workouts. I am loving Coach Nicoles 28 day bootcamp as well as doing an hour and just dance after makes me feel like I am having fun like a kid.

No matter what anyone tells you, you don’t have to stay within the lines.

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CLPURNELL 3/28/2013 9:08PM

    Ok ok... I had to control myself here lol. I won't comment on the gentleman and I use that term very loosely here. Let's just say this it's is definitely his loss and not yours. Someone like that would be a horrible person to get involved in and he actually did you a very big favor and you won't have to waste anymore time with that.

His opinion you should definitely not take to heart. In fact you shouldn't take anyone's opinion to heart. Take to heart the work you are putting in to change your life. You are doing a fabulous job and one jerk should not come between you and the awesome progress you are making.

Also what I have learned is I don't have to be attractive to everyone. I don't even know if that is possible lol. I just have to be attractive to the right person for me. I guarantee you, you will be. Just because that guy isn't right for you does not mean that the right guy isn't out there. Believe me you will know the difference right away as his behavior won't be like any guy you have dated before.

Keep improving yourself and focusing on becoming a better you for you. When you meet someone in that process it has a much better chance of success.


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    Great insight. I am always bewildered at how superficial some people can be. My husband (God bless him) met me when I was skinny and I have gained about 50 pound since being with him, yet he still loves me. If someone is into you, I hope they would see the inner you, the real you. The outside is a shell that we are always working on to make better. Good luck and keep your head held high.

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SWEET_CAROLYN 3/28/2013 5:40PM

    I am so sorry about this!! You have made amazing progress - 36 pounds + a healthier lifetsyle! There is no better gift to yourself than good health. Shame on him for being so shallow and not seeing the real you, for being so fixated on outward appearances and his own assumptions (why can only "skinny girls" be the ones concerned with fitness and nutrition? Shouldn't everyone be concerned with being healthy?). You deserve to be loved and appreciated no matter what the scale says!!


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SISSIE21 3/28/2013 4:23PM

    I have to tell you, you are so, so lucky that this guy showed you who he really was on the first date. Can you imagine figuring out the kind of person he was after you started to really get attached? Be glad he opened up right away and run, run, run from those type of men!
One of the things that I love about my husband is that he has loved me when I was small and he has loved me when I am big, and every size in between. You deserve to be loved by someone who will see you by who you truly are, not by some preconceived notion of what the size in style is at the moment! By today's standards, Marilyn Monroe would have been considered chunky!
So keep on going, for yourself! Not for anyone else! And you are right, we have the opportunity to uplift or tear down with our words. I have experienced how uplifting you can be in your blogs. Now you deserve to be with someone who can do the same for you!
I love the way you took a painful situation and turned it around into something good. Now that's powerful! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/28/2013 4:24:06 PM

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BERRY4 3/28/2013 3:26PM

    I'm sorry for the pain those words caused you. -- But you are taking what happened and choosing to "frame it" in a way that will help you to grow.
It's interesting that you share an incident regarding WORDS. Just yesterday, I was challenged by a sensitive person to evaluate my words more carefully, as well as the words I allow in my home (3 teens). I just called her and thanked her for being willing to step out of a comfort zone and remind me of the power of words in the lives of others.

May you find grace for the you pursue health and fitness!

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JLPEASE 3/28/2013 3:09PM

    Wow, what a great blog! I am so inspired by you. I was pretty upset when I read the first part about this guy's comments, but you turned it completely around and used it to reinforce your belief in yourself and your goals even more! You are so on the right track and I wish you so much success!

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Telling my inner fat kid no!

Monday, March 25, 2013

I have admittedly be a little lax on myself lately about exercise and exact nutrition which officially ended yesterday, I had allowed myself to take some time to still eat healthy and remember my morals while moving and getting back to situated. Well I am all situated and it is high time to get back to counting the calories and exercise.

I started this journey on lean cuisines pretty much, I know those aren’t the best choice ever but I feel if that is what the first step takes then it’s a lot better than not starting at all. Now I find myself not liking any of the lean cuisines I find myself starting to crave fresher stuff like my body just knows what it should be wanting and needed now. So I still have my certain weight loss and fitness goals for this month but a new goal is to really try to pre-prepare my lunches instead of eating lean cuisines it just sounds so much better.

I was reading a book not long ago about overcoming yourself, your fears and weakness to be specific and in that book it said that you should give identity to those parts of you that start to speak negatively and call them out, at first I thought this only promotes craziness (and this may be true but it’s my kinda crazy) but it is actually so you can physically call that part of yourself out and tell it to stop, take away its power. As mean as it may sound I refer to the voice/feeling in me that starts to tell me I am bored or sad so I should eat a tub of ice-cream to feel better “Katie’s inner fat kid” at first this started out as me loathing my inner fat kid after bingeing by saying “why’d you make me do that inner fat kid…why?” slowly but surely I am now able to accept that fat kid part of me, yes she loves all that is bad for our body but she is a fun gal and knows how to enjoy things….just too much for too long. In other words Katie’s inner fat kid needs to learn moderation and to eat to live not live to eat.

Yesterday was a pretty hard day emotionally, on my way to a friend’s house I stopped off at a convenience store, my sister was with me and knew emotionally I was upset so she suggested we get an ice cream… normally my inner fat kid would have eaten that ice cream until I couldn’t feel feelings or the rest of my body.. but yesterday she was quiet it was just me dealing with my emotions in a healthy way, I told my sister that food would not make the situation better it would only make me feel worse in the long run and that I can cope without it.
See as crazy as it sounds I needed to put a name to that part of me and over time constantly address/ teach my inner fat kid that I am not going to keep doing this and handling things in a harmful way. That food is fuel, it can be enjoyed of course, but not used to medicate myself.

The thing I have noticed about people going through or maintaining their weight loss is everyone mentions the mental and emotional changes they have noticed more than anything. Something about having to face down everything about you that got you to where you are and got you on the road to changing. Behold the things you learn about yourself on this this crazy epic journey.

Although I know I haven’t seen the last of my inner fat kid it has gotten a lot easier to tell her no and chose to handle things healthier. So to anyone struggling with their inner fat kid, I totally understand.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SISSIE21 3/26/2013 12:47PM

    Loved your blog. I learned that technique in coaching school and it really works. Something about identifying and externalizing those voices helps you to deal with them.
My thoughts on this weight loss journey are that it is a physical, emotional and spiritual journey. There is a reason I let myself get so big, there was a need deep inside that I was filling and nourishing with food. It was a temporary fix at best that took me down a road of misery. I am sure many of us feel the same.
Something about SP is so healing. I think it is because we are there for each other and are willing to share our triumphs and our pain as well. No judgement, just support because at some point we have all been there.
I kind of look at my 'inner fat child' as a 3 or 4 year old who wants what she wants when she wants it, which means RIGHT NOW!! I now see my role as supporting and re-parenting that inner child so she can learn to get nurturing in more healthy ways.
Good on you that you didn't feed the emotions with the ice cream! It's not the ice cream, it's what you are using it for. An ice cream cone that is accounted for and tracked is something different than an ice cream that is basically a binge to not have to feel.
Same food, different reasons.. That is how I look at things I want to eat. Why do I want this? Do I really need this? And it works.
Good luck, we are all just doing our best on this SP journey and together we can all make it.
Thank you for writing this blog, it made me think... emoticon emoticon

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CLPURNELL 3/25/2013 9:16PM

    emoticon emoticon

You did an awesome job on recognizing and dealing with something and knowing that food wasn't the answer!!! Awesome, Awesome job!!!

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BERRY4 3/25/2013 6:35PM

Such a process this figuring out what causes us to choose to "medicate" with food. And it sounds like you have begun to get a handle on getting it into perspective and NOT letting it take over.
Every one has to sort through the "stuff" and find a place to put it...NOT necessarily in our mouth!

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SWEET_CAROLYN 3/25/2013 1:59PM

    Thank you!! I have never really thought of it that way, but I am so with you! I can't remember how many times I used food to try to deal with emotional pain, how I told "my inner fat kid" "Yes" so many times!!

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What if you had never been overweight?

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I was sitting back the other day pondering what or who I would be like if I had never been overweight…
I know a lot of people here were not always over weight they gained weight over time, have you sat back and wondered what if you hadn’t?
For those of us that have always fought being overweight, have you imagined what if you were always skinny, who you would be? Would you be so kind and understanding?

Would you be the same without the powerful lessons that had to be learned through this journey, perhaps something worse than being overweight would have happen to strengthen you.
Would you trade all the sweat, tears, friends, connections, support, victories, smiles, lessons, and persistence (just to name a few) that it took to get where you are now in order to be thin to start with.

For those of you who have lost it all just to gain it all back and are on your second round, know this if you can be a success story you can also be strong enough to be a starting over story.

As I read all the amazing comments my spark family left on my last blog for me I couldn’t help an overwhelming feeling of love and relation, here were many people from all walks of life reaching out to me, identifying with my struggles and encouraging me to push on. Every time I come to a victory over myself I can’t describe the feelings inside, it’s a way better feeling than giving in or giving up, I wouldn’t have learned the things I have now without having gained the weight and having to learn how to lose it, I wouldn’t have been introduced to a family that so much love and support is given to strangers with similar goals, heart aches and accomplishments. So I have to say as much as I would love to put on a way small size of clothing and I will someday I wouldn’t trade what I have been given for what could have been. I wouldn’t trade the strong confident person this journey is molding me into for a pair of size 6 jeans to fit from the get go. I didn’t always feel this way of course at the beginning I would have said I would totally rather been skinny all my life and not dealt with the heart aches and my inner demons I have had to overcome and still have to fight.

Maybe it’s a weird way of thinking but many people who often have something traumatic like a near death experience makes them appreciate living more, just like people who have lost a loved one tend to not take their remaining loved ones for granted, I sit here feeling like this has been hard probably the hardest battle I will fight in my life but every week I am finding victory in loss, I’m learning I will fall but I also will always get up and try again and just keep moving forward. I’ve learned I am not alone in my food addiction which has allowed me to push past it so many times so far and to learn I need to eat to live not live to eat.

Just some “food” for thought ;0)

You all are my heroes!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLPURNELL 3/22/2013 4:02AM

    I wouldn't trade any of my hardships for anything including being overweight most my life because I wouldn't be who I am. i love who I have become. i love the people and friends I have met along the way. It makes life that much sweeter. Glad you feel the same way and know that is not a strange way to feel. Overcoming odds and obstacles is where we see the strength we truly have inside. It gives of the confidence to know we can overcome and be a success story!

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SUGARSMOM2 3/21/2013 5:26PM

  life is what we make it . we just are . dreams are nice and they push us toward the goals we set but once in awhile if we just dream nothing gets done . we have to put the work into the dream . I can sit here and think i want to be thin and if i dont move toward that goal i am going no where and are just spinning my wheels and burning rubber on my mental wheels . action is needed on our parts . emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SWEET_CAROLYN 3/21/2013 5:11PM

    What an excellent question!!

I have always daydreamed about waking up and being skinny; for a long time, I figured I would just be fat, might as well live with it (and then my health slapped me in the head with a brick and told me to shapen up!). But what if I hadn't struggled with weight since childhood? What if I were skinny as a child, a teen, and a young adult, who only gained recently?

Maybe I would not have let myself go so far without trying to change. Maybe I wouldn't have despaired and given up. Maybe I wouldn't have given up seeing the doctor because I was tired of hearing endless harangues about my weight.

But then I also have this excitement, this anticipation of finding the skinny body that has been hiding all these years under the fat. I don't know what I'll look like skinny, since I've never been below 185 pounds as an adult. As the pounds come off and my jeans get looser, I get more and more excited to see who is staring back at me in the mirror.

Being fat has taught me a lot of things that I don't think I would have learned if I were naturally skinny. I understand the struggle others have to lose weight; it's not easy! So when other people also have that struggle, I understand and can sympathize, instead of snarking, "You brought this on yourself, you lazy, over-eating slob!" I understand that everything I put into my mouth does something to my body, whether it is good (fruits and veggies) or bad (chips and cookies). I understand that exercise can help lose weight and build muscles, that it can be fun and not just a chore.

And then there's the people. I remember the woman who gave me her Weight Watchers material which helped me lose about 50 pounds the last time. She was such an encouragement and a pillar; I looked up to her and she never judged me, just told me I could do it. And I did. And there's another friend who's vegan and is encouraging me to follow in that path when I am at goal weight. Her healthy tips and delicious vegan recipes are great - sure, I could surf the web or hunt bookstores for vegan cookbooks, but I wouldn't know if the recipes were good nor would I have someone who could help me with veganism.

And then there's the greatest motivation: I have been overweight all my life and am sick and tired of it. I'm tired of being the "fat friend". I'm tired of purchasing clothes in the Plus Sizes. I'm tired of having food run my life.

So yeah, not a fan of the flab, but the lessons I've learned are priceless!

Thank you for another excellent blog post! emoticon

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BERRY4 3/21/2013 4:09PM

Well written thoughts expressed...
I guess the whole idea of life being a journey is that each of us take a different path with all the varied parts that add (or subtract) to that.

I haven't always been overweight, but the issues that I deal with now have always been there. I still need to work through those things that cause me to habitually turn to food for comfort. And yes, I was just thinking this AM that if the "bad-for-me" food is around me, I behave like an addict and can not seem to leave it alone.

Good luck as you continue to learn, grow, and become the healthy person that you desire to be!

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JKANT88 3/21/2013 1:21PM

    I had a similar discussion with my boyfriend the other day. I have been overweight my whole life but it didn't get problematic until after I was diagnosed with arthritis when I was 11. I had just started getting into sports, particularly volleyball, and had I not been forced to give it up because of pain and stiffness, I wondered if I would still be overweight today. If I had stuck with volleyball, which I really loved to play (more than any other sport I had tried) maybe I would have gotten fit and formed a different relationship with food and exercise than I have now. This would also have left to different friends and a whole different adolescence. However there are a lot of things that I did instead that I am proud of, so luckily I can't go back in time so I don't have to choose between the two possibilities.

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