Friday, November 22, 2013
You know, what seemed so easy the last time is proving to be SO tough this time. I have tried to start a new exercise streak three times and have failed miserably each time and I don't know what the issue is. I DO want to get healthier. I DO want to lose weight. I DO want to have a good doctor visit and I have very little time before that happens. I know that exercise is a major component in this change. I have, for the most part, eaten well but it can always be improved upon. I worked out Monday and Tuesday and just couldn't get myself into my workout clothes and into the basement after that. I did walk at work both Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday because I had meetings across campus but it definitely wasn't the same as a planned workout. And to be honest, it is the last thing I want to do. I just don't like exercise or enjoy it or "feel great" afterward or any of the other wonderful things people say about it. I hate it, dread it, and don't feel some great sense of accomplishment or satisfaction after it's done. I know I need to do it but I just don't want to. I keep saying I'll get up early and just get it over with but when the time comes to get up, I am tired and don't want to. When I get home, I bypass the workout clothes for the PJs and am done for the night.
Knowing that I need exercise and a good diet to improve my blood sugar numbers seems to have no effect on getting me to do the right things. I really want to get off the medicine and I definitely don't want to have to go to insulin but I seem unable to do what I know I need to do to change my life. I hate looking at what I see in the mirror. I'm not looking for any sympathy or pity and I hate writing a blog like this because that's what it sounds like but I honestly am just struggling with why I'm struggling like this. I know I didn't gain the weight overnight and that it isn't going to disappear that way either but it seems that so many people can just decide after an "aha moment" that they are going to start making changes and they do with far less consequence hanging over their heads, and I just can't understand what my blockage is. I've been reading the Spark and reviewing the Spark Cookbook and there are so many stories of people just deciding to eat right and they do and people just deciding they are going to start exercising and they do. I just can't figure out why I seem unable to "just decide" to do thses same things. I did a great spark of 62 days but didn't really lose any weight (frustrating) and I've started three times now to do a new 30 day streak and fail after a couple of days.
At this point I think I'm just asking for any insight my fellow sparkers might have for what seems to be standing in my way. I truly do know what I need to do but I just can't seem to get myself there no matter how determined I seem to be. I went through a created some fast break goals and some mid- and long-term goals and they all lasted until about mid-week. If it wasn't so pathetic I'd laugh.....
Monday, August 19, 2013
Isn't it interesting how the stupidest things spark a change? I weigh myself every day so I know I've lost almost 30 pounds. I look at myself in the mirror and I know that my body shape has changed some (not enough but some). I know that I'm slimming down because my clothes are fitting differently. BUT, this weekend I decided to tackle my dresser drawers and closet because my aunt has given me many, many clothes over the last couple of years, some of which fit and some that were too small, with the not-fitting ones being shoved in a drawer for that miraculous time they fit only to be forgotten in the daily tribulations of life. I went through two dressers and my entire closet, trying on each and every item to see if it fit, how it fit, if it was the image I wanted to present, when I last wore it, etc. I think, by the time I was done, I had 9 piles of clothes at least a foot high that either were too big or were clothes that I shouldn't be wearing (way too long, way too frumpy, way icky material, or way out of fashion). I have always like baggy things to hide stuff and things that were too long for my short stature so that you could see about two inches of my legs. I got rid of all the longer dresses, all the dresses that hung shapelessly on my form, and all the oddly colored, polyestery pants. I was then able to fit all the kinds of things together in the same drawers - all the shorts in one, all the shirts/t-shirts in one, all my exercise gear in one, all my winter PJs in one, all the stuff that is still too small in a couple. I also made a bunch of room in my closet for all my new finds - a ton of shirts that actually have a shape to them, a bunch of pants that I can't pull off while still buttoned or are so baggy in the rear that I look like I have no butt. And you know what? I am so excited because all of this really means that I have lost weight and inches....not that I didn't know before (see above) but it is staring me right in the face with the new closet, the clean, organized drawers, and the literal piles of clothes that no longer fit. Saturday night at dinner with friends I wore a new outfit. Sunday visiting my parents I wore a new outfit. At work today, I wore a new outfit. And I actually thought I looked pretty good in the new, better fitting clothes where I could actually see a shape. And, as a plus, it motivated me to get back to exercise yesterday. I threw in my Combat video and did 30 hard minutes of cardio kickboxing and punching. If there is any downside, it is that now that I have this new wardrobe, I have no idea what I'm going to wear to work because the choices are so overwhelming! I stared at them this morning for 10 minutes before I figured out what to wear.....guess I'm gonna have to do this at night so that I'm not late for work!
Monday, July 15, 2013
This summer has been really tough for me for some reason. At the university I work for, we go to summer hours the beginning of June, which means that we work Mon-Thurs with Fridays off (yeah) but have 7:30-5:30 days, which means I now have to get up at 5:40am for work. I know that's not early for many people but it is way early for me (I'm not a morning person). It also means I get home at least an hour later than normal, and we just did some major landscaping to our front and back yards so as soon as I get home, I'm out in the heat watering the plants for about an hour and a half, which means I actually get in the house 7:15ish and then it's time to start getting dinner together and then I'm just too tired to exercise. I know it's an excuse but it's true. I don't want to push dinner back any later and then I'm too full right away and then I'm ready for bed because 5:40 comes so early in the morning.
Whine on, I know, but all this just leads me to dragging all the time. I'm already tired from getting up so early, and for some reason, the heat seems to just take it right out of me so once I get inside to the air conditioning, I just seem to melt into the couch and become one with its soft, fluffy goodness! Luckily, I have still been slowly losing weight without the exercise but I know how good it is for my blood sugar levels and I still have 4 months before I go back to the doctor and want to really improve this time around. Today I am going to try and do more walking around my office building to build up my step count and try to do 30 minutes on the bike (at least it's in the basement where it's cool). I am just gonna take it one day at a time because right now guilt and embarrassment aren't working. I CAN do this!
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