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Day 191: I don't have a dream.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

I posted this on another site, but I'll probably end up deleting it from there, so I wanted to copy it here too. Sorry if it doesn't make sense.


I'm sorry this journal is a downer, but I wanted to say this...

Last night, I couldn't sleep, and I've been reading Sailor Moon manga all week. So that isn't really a good combination, but here it is. If you've read or seen any Sailor Moon, you know a lot of it revolves around the characters' dreams and wishes and true goals... both regarding their personal lives and their duties as guardians. The SuperS series is my favorite, and in the manga, the Amazon Trio and Quartet prey upon the guardians' desires until the girls remember their true dreams.

Well, I realized I don't have a dream.

I know real life isn't like a manga, but most people have dreams or ultimate goals, right? I don't. I don't love my career teaching college... I do it because I can tolerate it. I know I'll never make a lot of money, and it's a hard job, but I'm not stuck in an office or doing physical work all day. It's like the best I can make of a situation almost everyone has: having to work. (And going back to school... everyone says, don't do grad school if you don't love it. I like being in school better than I like teaching, but I don't love it. And it's just a means to getting a better job, which I won't love.)

I don't want a family. I don't like children, and I don't want any. I don't even really want to get married. I love my boyfriend (we've been together two years today), but I like living separate lives, and I think we're both set in our ways.

I'm working to lose weight and get healthier, but that's not a dream. I'm organizing and downsizing my possessions, and I enjoy that, but that's not a dream either. Those things are like going back to school... I'll be better off if/when I achieve them, but then what will I do?

What I love is creating... making plushies, drawing, and writing. But I'm not good enough. I mean, I adore my plushies, but in quality and skill, they can't compete with everyone else's, not enough for me to make a living selling them. I'm not a very good artist. I AM a good writer, but I can't stick with anything. And that's why I'm not a better plushie maker or artist - I don't practice enough. I COULD be good if I practiced and made myself work on it, but I don't... and I don't finish things. When I do finish and share things, no one really notices. I know, you're supposed to create things for yourself, but I want my work to be good enough for people to notice it. To do that, I need to practice... but I don't feel like there's a reward to practice when no one pays attention! Argh!

I'm not unhappy, but I don't know what I'm working toward, or why. I feel like all I'm really good at is being a good mama to Poof. I want Poof to be a part of my dream and to go with me wherever my future takes me... but of course loving Poof isn't my only goal in life, nor does he want it to be! He wants a mama who is fulfilled and happy, but I'm not sure what that means.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CMCDONNA 6/5/2014 8:22PM

    I understand what you are saying. I tell my daughter to try to find something you are passionate about, it doesn't have to be a job, although it can be. Find happiness and even joy in the little things. I have been where you are and although that little bit is all the advice I can give, I wish you the best.

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Day 194: Losing 2 pounds overnight... the bad way.

Monday, June 02, 2014

My favorite Duck in Spectromagic, in 1997 emoticon

What's the bad way? Food poisoning emoticon Or at least something that made me very sick to my stomach. I woke up at 5 am this morning after a bad night of reflux and my stomach just not feeling right. I won't go into details, but I was very sick and lost what I thought was everything. Until the second bout about 30 minutes later. Then I went to sleep until 8, was sick (thought not as bad) again, then went back to sleep until 9:30 and was sick AGAIN. I haven't been sick again since then, but my stomach has hurt mildly most of the day, and I've consumed a grand total of 350 calories today because I don't feel up to eating much. I weighed myself this morning out of a morbid curiosity and was down 2 pounds.

The good news is that I don't think I'll be sick again, and I've drunk a lot of water today to rehydrate. About to go get another glass after I finish this blog. I think it must have been yesterday's lunch that made me sick... it was chicken, mac and cheese, and green beans from the Shoney's lunch buffet. ...yeah, I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner :\ No more buffets for me. Weird thing is, my boyfriend had the chicken too, and he didn't get sick, but I don't know what else it could have bee........ oh. Macaroni salad. I forgot I ate some of that too. I bet it had been out too long. Yuck.

Anyway, I'm hoping I will feel okay tomorrow, and I can go back to eating. Much more carefully!

I just went through my Disney guidebook and website, and faved the Magic Kingdom attractions I want to see on the site. I can't wait until I can plan my itinerary! I still need to fav attractions from the other parks and customize my maps first.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Oh man, sorry to hear you got sick. Glad that you are on the mend. I so want to go to Disney World!!! Maybe I will make that my reward for getting to my goal. emoticon

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Day 195: 30 Day Ab Challenge on FB

Sunday, June 01, 2014

Me with Eeyore on my last Disney trip, in 2001.

This ab challenge is an event on Facebook that several of my friends are doing, so I decided to do it too. I made it through Day 1 - 15 sit ups, 5 crunches, 5 leg lifts, and a 10 second plank. The crunches were easy, and the plank was okay (although I was glad when it was over!). The other two about did me in. But I guess it will get easier as I go, and my difficulty in doing the exercises shows that I need them! Also, I have lower back pain a lot, and it actually feels better after doing the exercises... so maybe this challenge will help it too.

I'm not doing so well on upping my water intake, so I still need to work at that. I've decided to mostly concentrate on healthy eating habits this summer, then start a walking plan when I go back to school and have access to a gym. Although of course, I'll still try to be more active over the summer. I'm looking forward to a healthy beach trip in less than two weeks! Lots of walking on the beach and at the balloon festival, swimming in the ocean, and carefully planned eating... and my ab exercises emoticon

On the Disney World front, I bought a ticket to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas party!! Someone on the Disney lovers Spark team recommended I go. I had planned on it but hadn't realized the tickets were already for sale. Glad I got one in time! I'm going on the third day of my trip, halfway through. Next I need to get on with faving my favorite attractions on the site so I can make out my itinerary in June. I also want to order the free customized park maps they offer, so I need to mark my attractions!

Now to go track my food for the day... blargh.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REDDOTFLYER 6/1/2014 10:20AM

    good job

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Day 200: Adding Water Goal + Recurring Dreams

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I've decided to get back to drinking more water, in addition to tracking my food. I love water, and I spend a lot of my time being thirsty - should be pretty easy to get back into the water habit. I'm aiming for at least three cups today, then four in a couple of days, etc., until I get back up to eight. (Plus I'm on my period right now, so it will help me to drink more.)

Last night, I finished reading my Disney World guidebook and marking what I want to see. In a couple of weeks, they'll post Extra Magic hours for December, so I can start planning my itinerary. Until then, I can look up the attractions I want to see on WDW's site and "fav" them so it will be easy to pull them into my itinerary. I can't wait until Day 180 when I can start making meal reservations, then in October I can get FastPass+ assignments. Can you tell I'm obsessed with planning and excited about this trip? :D

I dream about vacationing a lot - either WDW or the beach. Last night, I dreamed I was at Disney World which of course made sense! But there's another element to some of these travel dreams: packing up to come home. In a lot of these dreams, it's the day I'm coming home, and I haven't repacked my suitcase, so I'm making a frantic effort to get everything packed (usually with the deadline of a flight time). But I don't just have clothes/toiletries... also in the hotel room are lots of things from my house! Stuffed animals (last night it was my plush Drifloon collection), knick knacks, etc. And I'm always struggling to make room for everything and the knowledge that if I leave anything behind, it will get thrown away and I'll lose it.

I think these dreams come from my ongoing attempt to downsize and reduce clutter. The amount of stuff I have must weigh on my subconscious, and I end up dealing with the stress by dreaming about having to wrangle with all my stuff in an impossible circumstance. I guess I need to learn two things from these dreams: I need to get rid of more stuff, and I shouldn't over-pack for trips! Oy.


Day 201: Sexy Won't Bring Itself Back, Y'all.

Monday, May 26, 2014

I saw that phrase on a billboard yesterday and loved it :D It was an ad for a tanning salon, which is neither sexy nor healthy, but the slogan is still motivational! Reminds me that I have to work for it.

I had an active weekend with a mini road trip/vacation. I went to a hot air balloon festival, stayed overnight, then stopped to tour a religious site on the way home. I did a LOT of walking, both at the festival and the site. I made some bad choices with my food - nothing too terrible but still not great. That was entirely due to poor planning on my part. I didn't bring anything with me to eat and I didn't eat at the regular times, which led to bad judgment when I did eat.

The good thing about it is that I know to plan better in the future! In about two and a half weeks, I'm going to another balloon festival as part of a four day beach trip, so I will plan out what I will eat each day and not be caught off guard. I'm staying at a condo-type place that has a kitchen, so I'm going to bring some of my own food and buy fresh ingredients like milk and fruit when I get there. I'll do a lot of walking and swimming, so it should be a pretty healthy trip :)

I've finally done some Disney World planning. I watched the planning DVD Disney sent me - not that informative, but great propaganda for getting me even more excited ;) I've read the Magic Kingdom and EPCOT sections of my guide book and marked the attractions and stores I want to visit, but I need to read the rest of the book. That way, as soon as I get Extra Magic Hours information for December, I can start scheduling my itinerary. I've got to get everything planned before I go back to school in August - between my own classes and teaching, I won't have any free time!

This place has my heart. I don't know why exactly, but Spaceship Earth is my favorite thing in all of Disney World.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRYINGHARD54 5/26/2014 8:26AM

    sounds like you had a good time :-)

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