Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I finally went to the doctor about my leg.
She said my exam was normal, what did I want her to do?
I said, well, it hurts -- so obviously there's something wrong. What's wrong, and how do we heal it?
She kept telling me she didn't know what was wrong, and I burst into tears in her office.
Running is how I relieve stress, and I'm in a very stressful time right now. Yet she was telling me not only that I can't run, but that I can't bike, swim, hike, walk, or work out in any way that uses my legs. I kind of understand this, because logic says (to me) that if my leg is hurting from something I injured while running, I should probably stay off of it. But for her to not be able to say what was wrong -- I fell apart.
She seemed frightened at my outburst, and said, "OK, OK, I refer you to physical terapy!" But then she said I'd have to wait weeks to get an appointment so it probably wouldn't help. Nice.
To say I am feeling low is a huge understatement. I cry all the time. I was in Alaska last week (for work), and it was my first time there. Rather than being joyful at the excitement of The Last Frontier, I was stressed out and made terrible choices with my eating, which drove me lower and lower. I saw my best friend last weekend -- it's been almost two years -- and while it was so good to see her, I was preoccupied with this stress coming from every direction.
Much like I know how to stave off emotional eating but don't actually execute those strategies, I know other ways to let off steam. But I'm not doing them. I'm greedy. I want to run. I don't want to turn into this fat wife that my husband doesn't deserve, especially as he's returning from his overseas tour. It's like I'd rather wallow in self-pity (WISP, as my mom calls it) because I've been beaten.
Maybe I'll come around... we'll see. But I won't be burning any calories until then, and the "calories to burn this week" number on my SparkPage is mocking me.
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
I have had many things I wanted to write about, but I always forget them.
First, I noticed my weight was way down in the past couple days. It's the three-week cycle (not sure how that works, since all cycles I know about are FOUR-week deals) where my weight drops low, then creeps up again. Anyway, I was able to wear a suit Monday that I haven't worn in a while. It was a little snug, but not enough to look bad. I was encouraged.
But, as the cycle goes on, my weight is creeping up and I doubt I could put it on now, just two days later. I have no idea what this is... it's maddening. There has to be some water or hydration thing going on, maybe the phases of the moon... except that all hormonal and lunar cycles are (you guessed it) FOUR WEEKS. Where is the three coming from?
I played badminton Sunday and although my leg felt OK while I was playing, it didn't feel great for the rest of the day. I started taking ibuprofen based on a doctor's casual advice ... he was just someone a friend knows. Anyway, if I can ever identify exactly what the pain/discomfort is, maybe I'll make an appointment. But my doctor always makes me feel so stupid for being there, I hate to subject myself to more discouragement.
I have been craving crunchy lately, and that is weird for me. I indulged my craving yesterday with pretzels for a snack... today, I went crazy with wheat thins and cereal. Not so good... but the crunchy was very satisfying. How I feel tomorrow may not be so satisfying, we'll see.
I have to write a paper tonight and tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to it. I also take off for a week in Alaska (for work) next Monday, and the bureaucratic machine is making that as painful as possible. I feel like I can do well on trips, though, if I plan it out well. I just need to plan for the paper that's due next week, too. Then I will be done with class for a while.
That all seemed like kind of a rant... I just hadn't written in a while and felt like I should. The injury is still really getting me down, but I bought a new pair of running shoes just to be sure I was wearing good ones when I finally get back out on the road. Whenever that is.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I completely let that injury wreck me.
I have been depressed and have been taking it out on my body. I need to treat it with more respect, even if it did betray me with this injury. I need to be able to adapt to things like this, and deal with disappointment. Even if I'm not able to run my 1/2 marathon in September, I can't let it ruin my life.
While part of me really wants to crawl into a hole and not talk to or see anyone, I have to keep going. And I have to be true to myself, the healthy, athletic girl who does not do hateful things to her body like binge on whatever's available.
OK, enough venting. Maybe the next blog will be happier.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Doesn't it always happen when you're 4.5 miles from home?
I have been trying to be really in tune with my body this summer, since I've been working out so much more. I knew an injury would derail me, physically AND emotionally. So why Why WHY did this happen? It's such a silly injury -- a strain of the soleus (sp?) muscle in my calf. It started bothering me about 4 miles out (on a 10-mile out-and-back) and I slowed down... but once it was tweaked, it was tweaked. I had to walk the 4.5 miles home.
It smarts! I've been doing rest. ice, compression, elevation... but the Internet (how did we figure out this stuff before Google?) said it's an injury that can take a long time to heal. Like, LONGER THAN THE TIME REMAINING BEFORE MY HALF MARATHON! I got sick for this same half marathon 7 years ago. Really? We're going to do this again?
The complete drag is that I'm not able to run off some chocolates I eat during the day, or an extra serving of something at dinner. I had been relying on that quite a bit. It will also stall the toning in my legs, which I had JUST started to notice. Buh! I can't believe my legs turned on me.
I guess now I get to be obsessive about what I'm putting in my mouth, and I don't have to worry that I am not fueling my workouts appropriately. You know, SINCE I'M NOT HAVING ANY WORKOUTS! All I can do at this point is take care of the leg. Sigh.
Friday, July 05, 2013
I love the GEICO commercial with the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I don't know if it's because I fly a lot, but it just cracks me up every time.
His last response to the TSA screener, though, has become my mantra: "I'll get it together, I promise!" It's cute when the Dough Boy says it. It's kind of pathetic when I have to keep saying it.
I'm stuck in this circle again, with some slightly different behaviors. The circle is this:
Reality Check. Hunker Down and Do It. Weight Drops. Complacency Sets In. Scale Won't Budge. Frustration. Implosion. Back to Reality Check.
I'm back at Reality Check. I HAVE to get it together. I know I'm an emotional eater. I know I'm sad that my hubby is gone for the summer. I know I get bored in the evenings (despite plenty of things to do). I know I should have strategies to mitigate these things. But when I devise a strategy, it doesn't seem to work! I feel like I need to talk to someone about this, but I'm not even sure how to approach that.
One thing that has worked really well for me in the past is a competition. My brother and I competed to lose a few LBs about 10 years ago, and we're so competitive, we both did very well. Unfortuntately, my competitive drive is stifled when I'm pitted against friends, colleagues, or someone who might not give me a run for my money. It has to be someone -- like my brother -- that I want to CRUSH in the competition.
I heard about this study where people were asked to lose weight, and were given $20 each week if they lost. If they didn't lose, they had to PAY $20. Now, THAT would motivate me. Yet, I can't translate that into a game for myself, because I still ultimately keep the $$.
So, I'm shopping for a new strategy. Comments welcome.
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