Thursday, May 07, 2009
My eldest teen is home from university. she is just passing through tho on her way for a friends weekend shopping in a neighbouring city.
She is a cheerleader for a CFL football team and telling me about all the things she has done with them, and all of the things she will be doing with them over the season.
She also cheers for her university and did lots of travelling throughout the year for her sport. She is a flyer, she is one of the tiny girls at the top being tossed around and doing flips.
She was practicing her signature to make it simple and quick as the cheerleaders calender is coming out soon and she will be needing to sign her month page on the ones she sells.
As I sat beside her listening to her tell, and watching her face change with the stories and excitement of her journey, I became quiet inside. My mind staying with her and my body staying with her, as my imagination travelled to my 19th year, my journey through those years was so different than hers...not worse or better just completely different.
I am almost 41, my time seems to have been so fleetingly fast, my tiny daughters now women, walking through the life they have decided was going to be right for them. My toddlers, exploring the new things and every new word little Michael says, everytime quiet, solitary Monica laughs, my heart grabbing and squeezing my insides with... I 'm not sure what it is.
I reconsider my plans for weight loss, and fitness, and looking sexy,
Why not just be fat? Why not just focus on my family,my adult children, my toddlers, my silver fox and build a life for us that does not include me spending time worrying about weight? obsessing over how I look?
I think I have a very nice look about my fat body, soft, round, thick, happy.
It may be past time for me to be the sexy one, time for my tiny daughters, now women to be the sexy ones, time for me to consider things in life, health and love that are not surrounded by the need to be something that I am not.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Last night I went for my first lesson. I learned the approach and the takeaway, I learned the power pose, 5 different ways to take off my gloves.
Next week will be stockings!
It was really fun and although I would not count it as cardio,(lots of standing and slow sultry walking only) it was enjoyable for reasons other than as a fitness experience.
I will deff be continuing it through all levels if I am able to afford the cost of the classes.
Monday, May 04, 2009
so as you know I struggled alot with weekends, last weekend in particular although the weekends previous were also tough.
I decided that I needed a plan, and the comments on my blog echo the same idea.
And so I set into sat am with a plan in mind, suppers menu planned and shopped for, and the days went smoothly, I did not eat anything not on plan, no drinkies,
and I exercised well.
so success this past weekend and another one to plan for coming in 5 short days!!!
Monday, April 27, 2009
I have such willpower during the week, determination, my sparkpeople site, my routine, Its almost EASY to follow my plan during the week.
then the weekend comes, my silver fox is home, the routine the babies and I have solidly during the week goes out the window, I find myself with a little rum and juice, or a few chips, maybe out for supper.
I also find it super easy to cheat with small bites of things I have taken off of my ok to eat list.
one of the biggest factors to my week end struggles is the lack of time I am on sparkpeople. If I am lucky... I get on for 10 min each day, sat and sun. If I am having a regular weekend maybe once I get on, or some even zero times. My focus seems to leave me.
the sad thing for me is this.... It is not my husband who is stopping me from the site, he does not encourage me to cheat or try to stop my computer access, he does not pour me the rum or even bring the bag of chips out of the pantry. so it is not having him home from work that does it. It is something I am thinking, some bargin I am making within myself that I need to get ahold of and fix. If only I could put the blame on someone else I could reason away the things that are happenning and try to set them straight.
dealing with myself is such harder work for me, looking within at my motivations and explanations is such hard emotional work.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
on friday night I went out with a friend who noticed a subtle thinness coming out in me, after 16 lbs lost and lots of fitness minutes, you can see my chin, cheeks and breasts are thinner, my thighs are looking more firm as well.
I have read that even losing 5 lbs makes a positive difference in how your body systems function, and certainly after losing my first 16 I am feeling better.
I have a long way to go still, at least 70lbs, I wonder if I will be recognizable to my friends, to my children, to my husband, even truly to myself...
This was huge incentive for me to continue to lose and work hard at my eating plan and fitness.
this was the first anyone had said to me about looking better, thinner, healthier. I have been working my plan since feb 2/09.
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