Friday, April 23, 2010
Every week I watch VH1's "Sober House" with so many different emotions. I look at the addicts and I see their struggle and I question so many decision that are made. As a person who has never drunk a beer, tried a drug or smoked a cigarette, I thought I really couldn't identify with them...I couldn't understand the destructive decision-making processes of a drug addict. Why would someone return to the drugs that so enslaved them and caused hurt and pain to them and to their families? Still I watch...somehow disconnectedly connected.
I realize that I am more connected to them than I would have thought or imagined. I can now understand where they are and where they have been. You never really realize the struggle until you are actually struggling. When you have surrendered to the addiction and are wallowing in it you are perfectly fine...you're just living life, doing what pleases you and makes you "happy." I'm almost in tears as I think about it. I AM them. They are me. I hear what's said and I see the struggle...the mental struggle and I realize that their struggle is my struggle. I just have a different drug...a drug that I must utilize daily--FOOD. I am a food addict.
I feel, sometimes, like I need to go through a treatment program or something. But I am in one. I just need to work the program. My mind is in such a struggle. Like a drug addict who doesn't want to use drugs, I don't want to overeat. I don't want to be fat. But as Dr. Drew said to the celebrity patients, "Saying, 'I don't want to do drugs,' is different from saying, 'I'm gonna do what it takes to stop.'" Engaging in the same behavior, in the same environment and expecting a different outcome is crazy..it's ridiculous and nonsensical. But that's exactly what I've been doing. I'm not making the changes to my behaviour that I need to be making.
I know that I MUST exercise as well as make wise/informed food choices. If one is done without the other I will not be successful on this journey. I know this for myself because I've been down this road before. I KNOW I must do BOTH. I know this but still I've been unable to stay consistently motivated. Saying, "I'm not gonna be fat again" is not the same as saying, "I'm gonna do what it takes to not be fat again." I'm not doing what it takes CONSISTENTLY. I must. I must. I MUST. There is no other way.
If you're reading this, please keep me in prayer. I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I just need to lean/depend on that strength. I am not alone. I know that. I just need to DO what I need to do.