Sunday, August 23, 2009
Everyone on Sparkpeople that know, thaI have served 17 years in the US Army. But to keep it real, I am a perfectionist. I used to think there was something wrong with others, but after being diagnosed with Tuberculosis 2 years ago. I realized I had seriously high expectations on myself and others.
You see, I have never weighed over 130lbs in my life until contracting TB while in Iraq. I had to take 5 different types of meds (3 x a day), just for the TB alone. I went from a sz 6/8 to a sz 14 in the past year. The doctor and I agree its' from the meds. But I was in denial. I had never been a sz 14 in my life at 5'8 and weighing 201 lbs. It took me a while to mentally except, yeah it may be the medication, but how long is that gonna be your excuse for not doing a darn thing. I was ashamed, because everyone who has known me for the past 17 years in the Army, couldn't understand what and how it happened.
I could out run most guys, placed 2nd place as soldier of the in the Army while at FT Bragg, NC. Then 6 months ago, I had a nervous breakdown. I did not realize it stemmed from being sexually assaulted while in Iraq. They have diagnosed it as severe and permanent PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
When I joined Sparkpeople, no one but the doctors, knew about what happen over there, not even my husband. And he has not been supported, but that is okay! Because GOD has done a lot of work on me in the past three months. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. But sirens and other things still scares, but that is okay too!
GOD has taught me, that I am somebody, and he loves just as I am. Today, I am not ashamed anymore. But I have embraced that doesn't have to be me forever. And that's a good thing.
I am learning what peace is for first time in life, and I am so happy. I don't care what others think about me anymore. I used need their validation of me. But I am standing on my own self-worth and knowing, that I am beautiful, and it feels so damn good. Just to be happy, for no reason at all. Be bold, Be beautiful, Be free.
Monday, August 10, 2009
I, Elizabeth, Thank you for always crying a tear, when one of us is injured. For every shoe box, every tin of baked cookies from grandmother, that the whole platoon ate, and you didn't know. Thank you grandmother! Every care package filled with toothpaste, socks, pens, magazines, letters from K-12th graders with of love and support.
I, WE SALUTE YOU ALL! You give us hope, to keep going, even when we have nothing left in our bodies.
If I had to do it all over again, I would so graciously serve my country. Because women and men like you have helped soldiers like me remember the purpose of why we protect this great land of the U.S.A. I salute you! HOAH!
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Recently, I have seen several blogs or post of negative affirmations of one's self. Please do not misunderstand me. I am no where near where I want to be and will be.
I remeber when my unit at FT Bragg was deployed to Iraq in 1990. I was 18 going 19. When we got to Iraq, it was a hold another world over there. We have built this place up. Bu my special ops, was the first units there. Many of my buddies, were attempting suicide, some succeeded. Others got pregant intentionally to be returned the States.
I joined the choir that our tent city had formed. I watched so many people my age going,; creating all kinds of situations, some detrimental than others to go. I lay in my sleeping that nigh, as the air war beginned crying, asking God, to not allow me to give up on him. I knew I could easily give up on myself. As a I am breathing today, God said to me, I will never put more on you than you can bear.
I did not want slit my wrist, or try to get pregnant, but I was scared as h ---. What I have learned through my military experience, you may not always like the circumstances, the pain that you will endure. I am in no way above or have mastered this logic. But I believe whole heatedly, if God allows us to go through it, we have the strength, the faith to get through it.
So to all my Spark Friends, who feel like I can't write as good as others, my article won't make sense. This maybe to much to expose before people I barely know.
Remember this is not about or them, this is your personal walk with yourself and God. So I have put some inspirations that I hope every time, you think I am not posting, or I am going to quit Sparks today. Whether its' SparkPeople, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers.
Hang in there! You will get to the good stuff, and reap the fruit of your hard labor. I love you and be encouraged, as I will eat a dose of my own medicine...everyday.
because you are worth it! and you are beautiful, just the way you are...we just know it yet! Haaaa!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Truly happy, my daughter's father has recently returned safely from 6 years overseas from rotating back and forth from Afghanistan to Germany.
She has not seen him in 6 years. So I decided to let her go stay with him in Florida for her last 2 years of high school. It was hard at first. I cried often, called a minimum of 5 times a day. She is now 15 and I have raised her to be a strong, intelligent, confident, but rebellious at time young lady. She has traveled everywhere with me.
At times they seem to get along, and others he seems clueless. I try to support and encourage him, but I can't help but feel worried. I know that's just the mothering in me. I have watched her grow into this thriving for life beautiful butterfly and I am so proud of her.
To be honest, I thought he would try and replace me, but that could never happen, just a thought. Then yesterday, she said out of nowhere, "There's nothing that can compare to Mother's Love". Instead of cherishing those words, I begin to question is her father taking good care of my most precious love. I had to check myself and realize...Christine's just letting me know that:
No one can cook like mom; no one holds her close to make her feel safe like mom; no one allows her to jump in the bed; no one wakes up at 3 o' clock in the morning to bake fresh chocolate chip cookies (her favorite); no one thinks its cool to play dress-up, even at 15, except mom; no sings her to sleep, even though she is a teenager, but mom. I could go, but I won't.
So, I think to myself... God has believed in me and trusted me to raised this awesome individual, and now her father who has missed all those years. Will now get to see and watch her evolve into the woman she is destined to become. I thank God for blessing me with this child and entrusting and guiding me with enough courage, faith, love, and patience to help mold her into her potential.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Letting go doesn't mean the end. It means the beginning of possibilities. Sometimes you have to encourage a person by showing them they are no good for you.
I felt stuck, unsure of myself, and what step to take next. Removing yourself emotionally from a situation can be the best thing you will ever do for yourself.
I contemplated for months should I hold onto a marriage that does not inspire me, lift me up, or bring out the best in me.
When you act like the best friend, you will be treated as such. But when you take back your power, you will be treated like the leading lady.
This can be applied to anything...family, friends, or work, where a boss is overbearing and keeping from your potential.
I used it to symbolize, sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then and only then will you cherish you enough, to put you first.
Doing so, tells people how to treat you, by how you treat myself.
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