Wednesday, June 19, 2013
It's such a shame. I am so detrimental to my own success. I am gaining back all of the weight again...All of my hard work is being wasted.
I will never, ever give up though. With each time I fall, I learn. I get back up. So here I am. I am back, standing tall and ready.
I have no other "methods", no crazy plan-of-attack that will "surely get me going this time"...Just healthy eating, balanced diet, and exercise. I am keeping it simple. When I make things complicated and crazy, I fail.
Onward I go...All 243 pounds of me!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Yes, yes, it's due time for me to own up to my stupidity. The blog entry I've been avoiding for some time now. The time has come to write it because there is no more time to waste and twiddle my thumbs. This Summer has been a HUGE disaster when it comes to my weight loss and healthy life journey. Not what I expected. I gorged and gorged some more on vacations, at fairs, carnivals, boardwalks and beaches alike. I was unstoppable! It was disgusting and quite pathetic and I am so unbelievably ashamed of myself. It's unreal. It really is. I was 201.9 pounds in early June. Mid-August, I am a disgusting 246 pounds. Yes, you read that right! 2-4-6. How could I have gained that much in that short time? I don't know. Honestly, though I ate a lot, it didn't feel like that much to gain 45 pounds. It's absolutely shocking to me! I got on the scale yesterday after a week-long vacation at the beach and almost had a coronary when I saw that number flash before my eyes. But it is what it is and I have to own that. It's 100% my fault. I was not in the correct mindset at all this Summer. But it is time to face reality and press on. I can't live like this at all. I am disgusted with myself. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. And it's not because of the weight gain. It's because of pure shame and regret. I don't ever want to feel this way again. I want to FEEL PROUD of myself again. It was such a wonderful feeling I had when I was working hard and losing weight and feeling great. I crave that again.
(PS..And for those who are concerned about my high blood pressure, it IS under control at this time with the medications. I am not lackadaisical about that at all and take it very seriously.)
Sunday, June 10, 2012
So, what have I been up to? Well, for the first half of the week - not much. Nothing good, anyway. The mid-week and finally, the end of the week, I was going through a transformation of some sort. Let me back track to....oh, 11 years ago. I was a vegetarian. Yep. I was a vegetarian for 8 long years, up until 3 years ago, that is. Why did I give up meat in the first place? Well, it wasn't for health reasons. I was 16 years old, and rebellious and concerned for animal rights. That is what started it. It went on until I was 24 years old, from sheer habit and a formed repulsed response to meat from not eating it for so long. (I really was so repulsed by meat...5 years into vegetarianism, I wanted to eat meat again but was unable to. I always said it would require psychological intervention to do so.) I wished to eat meat again, so I tried and tried. It took 3 years to finally put it in my mouth without gagging. I grew to enjoy some meats over time. I even loved some. I had a little steak obsession going on for a short time. A very unhealthy steak obsession. This was the Summer of 2009.
Now, fast forward to this week. I was considering giving up my omnivorous nature again. Become a vegetarian again, that is. Pondered this thought for a few days, did heavy research. Even though I was a vegetarian for 8 years, I did so very unhealthily. I was young; I didn't care about vitamins, minerals, proper protein intake. Or vegetables, especially. I was a vegetarian who never ate vegetables....besides the occasional potato or or corn cob. My obsession for vegetables didn't happen until about 2 years ago. I LOVE them. But I kept up on the meat-eating as well.
Now, I am ready to do this the right way. The healthy way.
But there is more.
Eventually, I am looking to become a full-blown Raw Vegan. Now, this will take time. A long time. Possibly a year. You see, I am horrible at recipes. You would think that taking the "cooking" out of the recipes would help. Maybe so. I am adding in raw vegan meals here and there. A few per week. Slowly, the dairy-filled, cooked meals will fall away as I learn new, interesting raw vegan recipes.
I am actually quite excited about this. The vegetarianism comes very easily to me; that is a no-brainer. The rest will come naturally, I am sure. I am not an animal or animal by-product eater. It doesn't appeal to me too much...I feel great when I eat vegetables and fruit, nuts and seeds, etc. I am sure taking the cooking out of the equation will help me even further.
And if I never get to the "raw" part of it, and that part of the equation doesn't suit me, that is fine by me. Being a Vegan itself is also wonderful.
I am so happy being a Vegetarian again. I wish I never quit it in the first place. I caved to peer pressure and pressure from my family (they made the lifestyle a living hell for me and mocked me constantly). People in my life will make this difficult, but I don't care anymore. Scoff all you want. I know what's right for me and I am going to do it whether you like it or not! I (stupidly) gave your lifestyle another chance and it just doesn't work for me.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
I know I usually write my weekly entry on Sunday or Monday, but I just didn't have the "oomph" in me then to do so. Once I got my sails straightened, I am doing much better. I went through a wicked rough patch last week and it took me a few days to come back into it 100%. I believe I am okay now though! I've found my Spark again. It was buried under all of the food wrapper garbage next to my bed...(ha)
I never understand why I derail myself. Binging is NEVER satisfying anymore. In the past, on "diets" before I found SP, binging was wonderful. I loved the food, tasting the food, smelling the food, it was so satisfying. Now, it is pure guilt and an "Oh, no what have you done!" feeling. It doesn't even taste good past the first bite. And the next morning....wow. Not a good feeling. I know I've done wrong and now have to climb out. In the past (on those "diets"), I would have just given up then and there and stay in the hole. No need for the hard work of climbing out, so why grieve over it? I made it easy on myself to FAIL back then. Now I know better and binging is never worth the work. I will never give up again. EVER.
I went from 201 to 214 pounds in 8 days....Eeek. I know at least 1/3 of it is water weight from grossly overeating, but it shocked me to see that number. I was ONE measly pound from reaching my first long-term goal a month early. Now, look where I am. Damn. I know I will still reach goal in time, but the self-sabotage is brutal. I was comfortable in knowing I was so early, so I thought one day of overeating wouldn't matter....Which led to another, and another, and another...Until a whole week and then some went by and I slipped and slid into a dark hole very fast. It was hard to climb out, but I am here now, so that's what counts! I've been going pretty strong this week. I took a sneak peek on the scale this morning and saw I already dropped to 211 lbs. half way through the week. At least I am going in the right direction now. I was slightly panicked. Okay, I was just plain panicked!
I also added a new component. Fatloser.com. Someone mentioned it on the message boards here on SP about how to become and remain motivated. It is a free 21 day "program" where you receive a 10-15 minute video each day from a toughness trainer basically kicking you in the behind to stay on track. I am on Day 2 of it and I like it so far. It's not so much a program, I would say...Just a check-in everyday where you listen to a topic of how to stay motivated in weight loss/fitness. The guy is brutally honest, just to be warned. It's a mental toughness "course". After each day, you do three homework questions about the day's video and lessons too.
Well, that about sums up the week. I'll post back on Sunday with details of the weigh-in! I hope to shed a lot of this weight gain...
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I am such a mess this week. Everything is falling apart. I've been eating too much, not working out - and it's not just that, EVERYTHING seems to be falling apart. Everything is upsetting me and I am living in this haze. There is so much negativity going on now and I can't keep it together. Evan's school situation is always weighing heavily on my mind (and it has gotten A LOT worse this week). I can't help but feel angry at him because I feel like he has control over what he is doing, but at the same time, he doesn't. The school is not helpful; in fact, that are lying to me. Yesterday, I was so pissed off and upset with them that it caused a binge. In turn, that made me feel even worse! It is leading into today because I can't get it off my mind.
Evan is also still getting these crazy fevers every 2-3 weeks and no one can tell me why yet. He had one on Mother's Day. It was ELEVEN days after his last mystery fever. The time between the fevers are getting shorter and I can't stand to see him go through this all of the time. It's stressing me out and upsetting me a lot. All we know right now is his tonsils, adenoids and sinus' are chronically inflamed. The Tonsils and Adenoids will likely come out soon - and hopefully the fevers will vanish. But it may not be the reason for the fevers.
It's been raining - hard - for days, which is making everything even worse. I can't stand cold rain. I just feel so depressed.
I also can't sleep more than 3-5 hours a night. I used to suffer from insomnia on and off....Well, it's back. I can only imagine it is because of my mood and everything going on. I fall asleep very tired at 1 or 1:30am, then, like clockwork, my eyes shoot open at 4:30am. I remain awake until about 30 minutes before I have to get up or so. It's horrible! It's been going on for a week or two. I have to take a nap every afternoon when the kids are in school because I just can't keep my eyes open. I actually would love to sleep all day if I could. The depression does this to me.
I know the way out...I need momentum. I need to jump back on and eat well and exercise....Remember what it is like....What it feels like to do this for myself...It is amazing! You would think that would be enough to keep me going, but I am a die-hard emotional over-eater and food addict. I face temptations everyday and if it is a truly horrible day (emotional wise), I do not win. How can I get over this?
I've lost over 50 pounds....1.6 pounds to my first long term goal (get under 200 pounds). Why do I want to self-sabotage myself?!
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