Saturday, December 04, 2010
I am working hard on being physically healthy. Now I want to, correction I need to work on being healthier in other areas of my life.
I have a very unhealthy relationship with my husband that I have been separated from since July 2009. He does not want to be with me but yet still he is always at my house and calling me when he needs help. He makes me feel like I am the worse person on the face of the earth. We have a daughter together and because of that I feel as if I will never be free of him. I want him out of my life for good. He has hurt me more than any other person has but he is always around.
My separation and being a single mom (again) of two kids has caused a tremendous strain on me mentally and emotionally. I know I am a tad depressed. People look at me and always comment that I look sad and never smile. That's because I have 3,423 things on my mind or trying to juggle. I am sad . I never wanted to be single again. Never. I don't need anyone to take care of me financially but I let having that other person to lean on. (Again something I didn't get in my marriage.)
Money and I have a very unhealthy relationship. I am very fortunate to be able to provide for myself and my kids but I am horrible at saving money. This adds more stress because as sole provider for my family if something happens, I am not prepared.
I love God with every fiber of my being. I have no doubts about my faith. But I am having a hard time reconciling how many in my congregation, especially my husband, have treated me. I have felt abandoned by the "shepards of the flock". I don't like discussing this much because it is not as cut and dry as some think. And I know some may say, "Just go worship somewhere else." But it sooo much more complex than that.
I have allowed another person to take away my self-esteem/self-confidence. After being degraded for so long, I started to believe some of the things that were being said to me. I don't wear make-up, nail polish, bright clothing, high heels or anything else that may have made me stand out or feel special. Because I was told almost on a daily basis for 7+ years that I wasn't special or beautiful. This is a very unhealthy attitude to have about myself.
Sorry for the almost rambling nature of this blog entry but it is almost 4a.m. and I have a lot on my mind and it is too late (early) to call anyone to talk. I know that brighter days are on the horizon for me!
Blogging has be a great outlet for me.