Tuesday, December 16, 2014
I committed to making a new entry every Wednesday, but I failed to write last Wednesday's entry. This is a make-up session.
This week had its ups and downs. I'm proud that I kept exercising, but I'm not so proud that I ate too many calories. And I binged tonight.
Last Tuesday, I made an excellent smoothie, consisting of coconut water, carrots, protein powder, and a granny smith apple. It was delicious, and I was so proud of myself that I texted a picture to my mom.
It was very hard to wake up for Wednesday's workout. I had about 7.5 hours of sleep, but I just could not get up on Wednesday morning. I took the usual Wednesday selfie, but I was NOT feeling it. It was a horrible picture -- I could see bulges and fat all over.
Frankly, I'm kind of disgusted with myself. I do not feel attractive at all. This weight gain does not feel like me! This is not who I am. I look in the mirror, and I look older than my twenties and fat and exhausted. I have been getting BACK PAIN from not exercising. I find myself wanting a seat on my public transit commute. My jeans, even my "fat day" ones DO NOT fit.
And I am always exhausted. I've been tracking my sleep, and I have been going to bed at better times, but my extra weight requires more rest time. This isn't who I am. I took a fitness class yesterday, and HATED it because it was a stations class. I hated that it was a stations class because that meant working together with the other people in my class, that meant that the class was a group effort, and therefore more people would notice and pay attention to me. As soon as I saw the instructor setting up different stages for different circuits, I immediately felt pissed because that meant that I couldn't hide in the back and do things at my own pace. I was so upset, because I couldn't just leave the class and I was trapped there for an hour.
I'm sure that the instructor, polite and professional that he was, assumed that I was some sort of fitness rookie with long-time extra pounds who decided to get fit. He smiled at me with pity and uttered generic phrases such as "That's great!" and "You've got it!" I was angry at myself because I only had myself to blame for this.
I was angry at myself because I let negative emotions and self-doubt and disappointment and anger and hurt feelings DOMINATE me for more than a year. I was angry at myself because I took a chance and decided to ignore logic for once and just do something because of feelings and that it didn't work out. I was angry at myself for being sad, and because I just couldn't get the hell over this sadness and move forward with my life. I'm angry because of my relapse of this eating disorder. I'm angry because I keep eating my feelings.
I went out last Friday and a stranger told me that I was stunningly beautiful, then promptly assumed that I had low self-esteem. I am angry because he was right.
I got more than eight hours of sleep last night, and I am still so exhausted.
Due to a stupid clerical error, I just found out that I've been overpaid on my pay checks for my new job and I am pissed at myself for not noticing. I feel like such an idiot for not paying more attention to my pay stubs (the downside of Autopay). I absolutely HATE HATE owing money (my only debt is a small student loan), and now I have to crunch numbers to figure out how to pay the money back stat.
Ahhh...the past week has been so hard! And tomorrow's going to get harder because it's 11:47pm, and I need to get to sleep for work tomorrow.
My bad days are extra bad. But ever since I was a child, living in poverty, I would write and write. Write through the angry tears, and through the disappointment. It comforted me. I binge eat for comfort. But I can't do that anymore. A 6,000-calorie episode is a problem, and I need to find a better way to control these episodes. I'm making an effort to make Wednesday blog posts a habit. So I will keep writing, because I know that like before, it will eventually bring me comfort.
Thank you for listening.
Wednesday, December 03, 2014
I have a pair of knee-length sweatpants that I typically reserve for my "fat day" gym workouts. I save them for those workouts that come after a few days of skipping the gym, or after I overeat, or after I suffer a binge episode.
Well, November was a binge month. As I mentioned on Monday's entry, my binge eating disorder came back with a fury. I binged EVERY SINGLE DAY. I did not exercise at all. By far, this was my worst binge episode in more than five years.
Year after year, I punished myself after eating poorly and not working out by wearing an outfit that wasn't the best looking. From workout clothes that were too big, to unflattering work pants, I would pull those clothes on to: 1) teach myself a "lesson" about not being healthy and 2) to hide my shameful body from the world. I used those dreadful outfits as a shield, as a way to hopefully disappear from the seemingly unforgiving world, because I didn't keep that weight loss promise to myself.
I've gone up and down in this journey. Sure, I maintained my 50+ weight loss that I started on 03.15.10, but I am still not in my goal weight. I continue to feel trapped with regret, trapped in my body. I keep telling myself, 'Just follow the rules!,' so I can finally get out of this prison of weight loss plan after plan, calendar goals after goals. I meet the small goal, and release myself into probation. And after a short period of elation and 'I'll never go back!,' I realize that I need comfort and that change is too hard. So, I find myself drawn to the same bad influences, the same STUPID decisions, and like a career criminal, I go right back to prison. Days, weeks, months, years fly by, and the cycle continues. Unflattering clothing has become the familiar, comforting, BUT broken, dysfunctional halfway house between prison and freedom.
But two weekends ago, I got fed up. On Sunday afternoon, I walked a few blocks from my apartment to Old Navy in search of fashionable (and inexpensive) exercise gear. I knew that I gained some weight, so I bought a few clothing items in a larger size. When I returned to my early morning workout on Monday, I decided to say goodbye to the fat sweatpants.
Monday morning's workout was okay. This morning was better. I am wearing that gray sports tank top in one size larger than normal. You can't see the workout leggings that well, but they're a teal blue. They're in my regular size -- a bit tighter than normal, but still comfortable enough to exercise in.
I almost didn't run the treadmill this morning because I didn't think my body could handle the usual 5.0+ inclines and 6.4+ speeds. And I was right, my body could not handle that. When I turned on the treadmill, I swallowed my pride, kept muscle memory in mind, and used the 6.0 speed with a 2.5 incline.
Like a career criminal trying to improve my life, I am fighting what's comfortable and what's familiar. I recently made a tough decision to abandon a beloved gym that helped me lose 50+ pounds for one that offers more challenging (certainly more expensive) workouts. A lifelong hater of photos, I've decided to take a photo of myself every Wednesday to blog & track my progress. Last Sunday, I washed my entire punishment clothing line, packed them in a suitcase, and dropped them off to an organization that serves the poor -- the ONLY people who really need it.
I'd like to think that, for once, a career criminal will finally SHOCK the probation officer, who's heard all of the lies and false promises over and over and over again. Nope, this career criminal will not walk down the same path, with the same people, with the same negative temptations. Instead, how about asking for (instead of being forced into) a challenge? One that will hurt, one that will be isolating, one that will take forever? But one that could work?
This time, I am going to rehab.
Monday, December 01, 2014
The last time I exercised was on Monday October 27.
I just lost the will. After going to the same gym, doing the same 6-8am workouts for almost five years, I simply got bored and fed up with having to deal with almost the EXACT same class schedule. Plus, all of my favorite gym instructors were leaving one by one. So, after months of consideration, I cancelled my gym membership on Tuesday October 28th. I upgraded to a swanky gym that costs more than double my old membership, but also offered more than double the early morning fitness options. To make up the difference, I've decided to slash my monthly restaurant budget. And leave the debit/credit card at home -- I can no longer afford impulse purchases!!!
I spent the entire month of November binge eating, eating about 3,000-6,000 calories EACH day. Thanksgiving was probably one of my lightest days. I'm not sure exactly why I ate, but I suspect that the need for comfort and a lack of sleep were my triggers. I haven't binged this badly since college five years ago. But I think this serves as a reminder that despite all of my progress to maintain a healthy weight and get fit, I will never fully overcome my binge eating disorder. That's okay, I think. That doesn't make me less than a person. It's my demon, and it's one that I am prepared to fight with forever.
I returned to the gym this morning, on Monday December 1st.
I bought some new fitness clothing because I want to start fresh. I've gained about ten pounds, but I think I still look pretty. My face is quite swollen, and I miss my sharp cheekbones. Luckily, I am still wearing the same size (thank you spandex/Lycra), even though it's a bit tighter than I'd like. That pink shirt fits too snug around my stomach, but that's temporary. My arms and legs are missing the usual definition, but again, this is not permanent.
Normally, Monday workouts involve a 30-minute run on the treadmill with an incline, but I don't think my body can handle that right now. So I smiled and walked to the elliptical and dialed a level 4 speed.
Sex and the City came on. God, I hate that show. But I watched it anyway, because I had an hour to kill on the elliptical, and I wanted to distract myself. I didn't want to think about how hard this workout was, and how much my now larger thighs itched, or how much time I had left. So I looked up and payed attention to the stupid show.
It was actually quite funny. It was the episode when Miranda split up with her ex and/or father of that cute little redheaded baby. She was dating that hot doctor. Unfortunately, her ex, who I guess still had keys to her apartment, walked in on her and said hot doctor having sex. Somehow, her ex winds up with a bleeding nose, and the hot doctor uses a tampon to help stop the flow.
So I laughed. By the second episode, my elliptical level is at 7. I felt relaxed. I loved my music playlist. This workout wasn't so hard. I felt more relaxed. Who would've known that Sex and the City could comfort me?
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
I lost about 55 pounds almost four years ago -- and kept it off. Buttttt, I'm still about 30 pounds away from my goal. And it's time that I lose this weight once and for all.
Even though I am no longer overweight, I'd like to drop those 30 pounds because it will help me run better. I would also like to lower my body fat percentage so that my muscles can be a bit more visible. Ultimately, I'd like to become a size four because I wouldn't mind doing some fitness modeling or training as a side job. But depending on how I look during the process, I might even adjust that.
Nutrition is the beast that's keeping me from my goal -- a bad day at work and my PMDD (I have an intense form of PMS) will trigger me to binge for weeks at a time. I'm going through a very sad time in my life where I feel like I'm no longer progressing or going anywhere in life. I don't really feel that I can talk to anyone, so I binge my feelings.
I'm seeking therapy for this right now. I last saw a therapist years ago, and now when I think about it, the weight loss stopped when I stopped going.
I lost the first 55 pounds by sheer planning, tough workouts, and good food. I also lost this weight because of Sparkpeople, and I miss you.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
So today, I went way past my calorie range.
I ate the unexpected slice of chocolate cake from my coworker. (No regrets there.) I got hungry during the late afternoon and ate an extra banana. Then, I ate some extra cheese and some unplanned almonds for dinner.
So, I tracked it just to keep a record. I've realized two things: 1) I need extra fat during lunch; 2) I really, really need to plan for that mid-afternoon snack.
The good news is that I went to bed on time last night and am about to go to bed on time tonight. I also made my water and fitness goals.
This is just another lesson during the long run to the goal weight stop on my lifetime journey of health. Lesson learned, and I'm trucking along.
When it comes to nutrition, remember that it's about trackin' and truckin'. Good night all.
Get An Email Alert Each Time VIRGOGURL4 Posts