Saturday, February 25, 2012
You know the saying "you can't teach an old bird/dog new tricks"...well it isn't quite correct...I will be turning 61 in a few weeks and thought I had heard it all...as they say know your triggers...what triggers emotions, what triggers over eating and etc...etc..
Well I do know I've been high strung since a child..I guess you would have first called me backwards...I was a "clinger"...wanted the security of my mom...clung to her alot as a young child as I was so painfully shy. Finally out grew that stage and then to the awkward stage. I was always super skinny and ate like a bird and always hearing my mom worry about me not eating and being so thin..This continued on until I was around 11. grew boobs and all the female things that went with it by 5th grade. Now imagine a skinny (stick legs) thing with fuzzy hair (always had thick fuzzy hair that could never be tamed) with boobs most grown women would sigh for...and being a tomboy...not liking it one bit..O also wore thick glasses..Being the tallest one in my class didn't help either. By jr high my figure was about the same but the tomboy stuff was going by the way side as did the glasses..It really made it easier to deal with the jr high issues though, not being able to see people well enough to see their expressions..By then I was wearing braces on my teeth so I mainly concentrated on school studies and bumbled around the hallways between classes..By senior high got fitted with my first pair of contact lenses...than had to face the world. But guess I had isolated myself so well with my feelings and emotions by then. I wasn't in the popular group in high school but I wasn't in the nerd catagory either...it seems I had lots of friends which to this day when I happen to meet up with them remind me that I was "nice"...good to know that now..at least I wasn't picking on the nerds and not being snobby.. But still high school was a painful event as it is in most people's lives. Got out early and went to college early. then hit my "wild" stage..didn't do the drugs or anything quite that bad but....anyway finally married the wrong guy...stayed married for 5 years. Sean came along and I divorced when he was 3 months old. I had figured out then that his father wasn't going to change and no child would change him. This is about the time that I found that food soothed me. I especially loved food that crunched...I loved crunching crackers and even ice..but I managed to stay pretty slim (though not the super skinny I was) for about 5 years. Then my present husband came into the scene. He had custody of his 2 sons and we just kind of combined our families...we both loved to cook by this point in our lives and we also loved to eat...By this time I was teaching and taking care of 3 boys from age 6 to 10..with all the running around and just living life, I neglected myself in the process.
Now all this back history I shared is finally getting me to the point of realizing that now I have to get healthy for me..I have to do this for me. I didn't realize my triggers..When my emotions hit, I used to just reach for the food...mainly crackers..(dentist doesn't want me cracking ice anymore) And I would find myself just chomping away on the crackers unmindful of how many I had eaten. I knew I did this and really didn't know how to stop it..
This morning I set out 15 crackers (my allowance for the day) and when the nerves hit, I eat 1...I want these to last all day. Today is an emotional day for me and I really wanted to cram them in one after the other but knew if I did that my triggers would get me back in the box later. Since I don't do well with milk, I've decided to crunch on cereal dry. Of course it will be measured out and calories counted as well.
It feels good to get back logging my calories. It takes time and sometimes I'm resentful of the time it does take but it is necessary and will keep me from wanting to eat as well...fill my time in with other things besides thinking of food.