Thursday, October 24, 2013
I realize a whole month has gone by since I blogged last, so my apologies to those of you wondering how I'm coping....
The good news is that I am coping better now, -- much better actually.
Hubby (....read EX) moved out on Sep 29th, so it's been a little while now. Overall it's been better not having him around and has allowed me time to be just with my own thoughts a lot more. However, I have still seen him plenty, and there have been issues that have come up that have sucked all the life energy right out of me.
He went away overnight with another woman (#2) and I coped by taking the kids to visit with friends 5 hours away, so that was good. Got lots of good outdoor time and time to reflect.
Turns out, 2 days later she called it quits on him -- smart lady! -- so I must say that made me smile -- despite the fact I know he's still looking for someone new. But at least he didn't snag someone new quite as easily as he thought! Of course, now that he's out of the house I will likely not know whether or not he's dating someone new...but that's probably better now.
We've alternated weekends with the kids, and so far that has been helpful for me to get an opportunity to re-group with myself and try to figure out my new life path....since that sort of thing is very hard for me to do when I have the little people around. I even went away to a friend's condo in Nanaimo for a weekend by myself, so that helped a lot too.
I must say I am really astounded by the outpouring of support I've received from all family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers (shop owners offering for me to sit down with them and commiserate over a glass of wine!). Even a very special local SparkFriend agreed to meet with me in real life (thank you -- you're wonderful and I am so glad we met!). And most recently, I was blown away by having received a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from my --- get this-- my Grade 9 Science teacher!!! (He's 81 now, and we've kept in touch for more than 20 years!). The beauty is that there is proof everywhere that people really genuinely care. (And this is coming from someone who only thought she had 1 or 2 true friends in her life!). And furthermore, each person offers some little tidbit of wisdom or insight or support that is unique to them. And together, I have the most amazing support network --- much bigger and stronger and more beautiful than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams. I am making connections that run deep and are setting up meaningful friendships for the future.
I am ever so grateful for all of these wonderful people that have touched my life at my most vulnerable and sad time ever. There is definitely a silver lining to every cloud.
On a different topic....my weight loss was great....yes, I said was. I lost 27 lb, which I was beginning to feel quite proud of. And between getting busy and preoccupied with the emotional garbage and other separation-related stuff, I thought I would try not tracking for a while and see how it goes. Well, it went well for the first 10 days, and I continued to lose....a couple of pounds. Then, I had a drink of wine here, a treat there, not enough protein one day..., then another --, a few days without enough veggies...and not putting as much time into exercise....and well, since I wasn't tracking, and wasn't home weighing myself every morning...I didn't really notice but the scale is going back the wrong way a bit, so I'm at an overall 23 lb loss again.
So I really have to pull myself together, make exercise a priority again (because it does feel good, and I did miss it the first week or so after slacking off) and just start tracking my food intake again. It makes all the difference for me.
Of course, it's 11pm now, and I haven't tracked yet for today. I think I'm going to go to bed rather....tomorrow is another day.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
After these past 2 blurry weeks of emotional carnage, horrible self esteem, complete lack of appetite - coupled with everything tasting of straw, a huge lump in my heart that seems to be the source of all my grief...I finally had a day where I felt a little bit better. Still low energy - but I vacummed most of the house, dragged my self to the gym and did 30 minutes on the low end of my cardio range on the elliptical -- I still sweat, and and I was moving the whole time, but I did not push myself, and I still burned 300 calories.
Then I went to yoga class, so I feel better from that too.
I hope this trend continues, because this emotional rollercoaster is taking it's toll on not just my mind, but my body. I cannnot tell you how weak I've been. Yesterday I was dozing on my couch for almost 3.5 hours in total because standing was too difficult.
I'm glad I went out, and though it wasn't the best workout by a very long shot, it did beat not going at all. Hands down.
I am hoping for a few days of no added drama....I can't cope with more right now. I just need to connect with myself again for a while. Funny -- now I have such a big and wonderful support team in place to help me through this, and right now I just don't want to talk to anyone about anything -- I just need me time for a while.....
Saturday, September 21, 2013
I don't know how to write what I'm about to write....
For those of you who have read my previous blog, you will know that my husband wants to separate, and that he is actively looking for another woman. He has not moved out yet.
Today, his family, my parents and I got together for a family meeting to discuss how we will handle things together in the future. We planned this yesterday. My husband didn't come home in a timely fashion yesterday evening so I couldn't tell him that I needed him to look after the kids tonight.
So this morning, I told him, I needed for him to pick up the kids from the place that my son's soccer team's pizza party was at at 8:30 as I told him I was meeting a friend from my choir this evening. He answered that tonight wasn't good for him, he too had made plans. (I'm leaving a bunch of stuff out here, because it would be too long otherwise). In the end, I determined that he was meeting up with another woman for the first time tonight, and he didn't want to move the date. And this, while still under the same roof -- Yes! First I asked him where he met this woman, and whether it was from an online dating service. He said yes. I asked him if she knows he's married. He said he "hasn't had a wife in a very long time". I asked him if she knows he's got kids. He said "all that will be put on table tonight".
I felt like telling him that if he goes out tonight with her, he shouldn't bother coming home either.
But I didn't. I looked at him disapprovingly.
Long story short, after he was out of the house for a couple of hours in the morning and returned home, I told him that I was grateful that he told me the truth about whom he's planning to go out with. And I also told him that if his reason were legitimate, that I might have considered moving my arrangement I'd made, but that isn't an option considering what his plan is. So I left him to take care of the kids the whole day, Not just to pick up from the pizza place. I left at 11 am and had lunch with my mom, then went shopping, then to dinner at their house, and then off to the family meeting (not meeting with choir friend as I had posed). He had from 11am -2:30 pm alone before the kids came home to figure things out for the evening arrangement.
At 5:38pm I get a text from him that reads "I'm still trying to plan things out. Do you have an approximate time that you would be returning home from your dinner?"
I replied: "Don't expect me home before 10pm"
Then a while later I get another text from him which reads: "OK. I'll take the kids to the pizza place and bak. Tuck them into bed but I plan to leave the house by 8:45pm. they'll be in bed when you get home. I've rescheduled my meetup for 9:00pm."
I was floored when I received this text. He and I are both fully arware that our kids are not happy and willing to stay alone at home after dark. My son is 12 and my daughter is 9. It took me a while to figure out how to respond.
This is what I said: "I'm surprised! Seriously????...amidst everything now, and the childrens feelings....I'm surprised by your choice. Will you be able to look yourself in the mirror after this? The children should come first, but it is your choice."
Well, I came home at 9:45 to two sleeping children in their beds, and no Papa at home.
And now I am sitting here contemplating the pain from 3 things:
1. He did leave the children alone at home despite my warning signal to him -- which makes me not be able to have full trust when it's his night to take the kids down the road for him to actually be there for them.
2. He is out wining and dining and who knows what else...another woman while I'm sitting here thinking about what he is doing with her and to her and she with and to him.
3. Am I paying for her indulgences? or are they going to split the bill?
I am sitting here hoping he's not getting set up by a woman who just wants to use him. I am sitting here hoping he can keep his wiener in his pants. I am sitting here knowing that he is going to not make any good choices because his brain isn't working straight right now. If it were, he would not have had a first date organized before he has somewhere to move out to !
The kids were indeed home alone and asleep in their beds when I got home at 9:45.
I need to make sure I can numb this pain enough to be asleep when he gets home. I frankly don't want to know what time he will be coming home at.
His family is supporting me 100%. They all think he's making a huge mistake and are asking if he has gone crazy, and that he's a dreamer about the grass being greener on the other side.
I've taken my sleeping pill and I have had a few glasses of whiskey by now. I haven't had a drink like that in a long time. But I don't under any circumstances want to know when he gets home.
I have hopes and so does he for a relationship where we can still be friends. I know in my heart that when I get over the pain that that will be possible. Howeverit's not that easy....see I'm slurring my speech already!
And I hope he doesn't let his penis make all the desisions for him tonight.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
I began my quest to figure out what could be the root cause of my husband's and my relationship problems/failures, and came to the conclusion that everything was based on communication failure. After gleaning a few insights after some serious soul-searching and journalling I decided it was time to start reading to learn more. But I'm not an avid reader, and don't hang out with readers. I only ever read for information if I have to -- never for pleasure or even self growth. So I didn't know where to start.
I had heard only of one book title often enough to stick in my head, and figured that might be as good a place to start as any: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
I am now halfway through the book. And it is a 100% true mirror reflection of what our marriage was like. Each and every paragraph, so far -- except maybe one -- shines light on the issues that have plagued us. Each one. It's like the book was written about us. All the interpretations of things that get said -- everything fits into place perfectly.
My husband is adament that he does not wish to seek counselling to try to save our marriage. He doesn't want it anymore. I so long for him to put in one last effort. Just if he would read this book, maybe he'd understand enough of how we went wrong to either want to give it one last chance, or, if for no other reason than to help him have a healthier relationship with the next woman.
Of course, there is a facet to this problem that this book and counselling couldn't solve, even if he were to accept it: He wants a woman of Indian descent now. Someone who speaks the language of the country he was born in and lived in until he was 7. He wants someone to understand the culture completely and that can laugh at all the jokes. I cannot compete with that. I am caucasian. I have taken 5 courses attempting to learn Punjabi and Hindi. I understand about 30% of what is being said, and I cannot speak the language.
Mid life crisis. There's no other way to put this.
19 years of marriage plus 7 of dating = 26 years down the tubes.
He really is from Mars. I must be from Venus.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Since Saturday's blow when my husband told me he wanted to separate, I have been so down.
Today was the first day I was able to eat more than 800 calories or so -- the heartache was so unbearable I couldn't eat. Everything tastes of straw. Of course consequently my energy level is down in the dumps, and I am just numb.
I am trying to process in my head that he's leaving, that he's actively looking for someone new, how and when to tell the kids, wanting to tell my sister-in-law whom I love before my husband tells her and her family but being scared whether that is the right thing to do, trying to wrap my head around splitting our assets while at the same time not wanting to halt the process we've been working on for months now to buy an investment property that would be up for development in 5-10 years which we when it gets sold use the proceeds for kids education, but realizing things could get ugly if we proceed with the purchase and things go south and the as yet unchosen other woman then gets partial rights to as well after some time....hypothetical stuff as yet, but mind-blowing at a time like this to think about. He would live there -- so he would move out when it's purchased, which nothing is as of yet. So we don't know when or where to he is moving......doesn't want to waste money on rent -- that's not our style...so haven't told our kids yet either.
OMG so much to think about.
And I have to take therapy to help build my confidence in myself because it's near 0 right now, and I need to start building a vision, a goal for myself, of what i want to do (for work other than what I'm doing now -- and hopefully build a small business for myself--- the question is only: WHAT.
All of that and trying to come to terms with and start healing my emotions.
Thank goodness for sleeping pills. And thank goodness that I began taking antidepressants 3 days before he told me he wanted to leave.
So, yes, I may be full of thoughts, but actually am quite empty what concerns strength.
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