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Thursday, October 24, 2013

I realize a whole month has gone by since I blogged last, so my apologies to those of you wondering how I'm coping....

The good news is that I am coping better now, -- much better actually.

Hubby (....read EX) moved out on Sep 29th, so it's been a little while now. Overall it's been better not having him around and has allowed me time to be just with my own thoughts a lot more. However, I have still seen him plenty, and there have been issues that have come up that have sucked all the life energy right out of me.

He went away overnight with another woman (#2) and I coped by taking the kids to visit with friends 5 hours away, so that was good. Got lots of good outdoor time and time to reflect.
Turns out, 2 days later she called it quits on him -- smart lady! -- so I must say that made me smile -- despite the fact I know he's still looking for someone new. But at least he didn't snag someone new quite as easily as he thought! Of course, now that he's out of the house I will likely not know whether or not he's dating someone new...but that's probably better now.

We've alternated weekends with the kids, and so far that has been helpful for me to get an opportunity to re-group with myself and try to figure out my new life path....since that sort of thing is very hard for me to do when I have the little people around. I even went away to a friend's condo in Nanaimo for a weekend by myself, so that helped a lot too.

I must say I am really astounded by the outpouring of support I've received from all family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers (shop owners offering for me to sit down with them and commiserate over a glass of wine!). Even a very special local SparkFriend agreed to meet with me in real life (thank you -- you're wonderful and I am so glad we met!). And most recently, I was blown away by having received a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from my --- get this-- my Grade 9 Science teacher!!! (He's 81 now, and we've kept in touch for more than 20 years!). The beauty is that there is proof everywhere that people really genuinely care. (And this is coming from someone who only thought she had 1 or 2 true friends in her life!). And furthermore, each person offers some little tidbit of wisdom or insight or support that is unique to them. And together, I have the most amazing support network --- much bigger and stronger and more beautiful than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams. I am making connections that run deep and are setting up meaningful friendships for the future.

I am ever so grateful for all of these wonderful people that have touched my life at my most vulnerable and sad time ever. There is definitely a silver lining to every cloud.

On a different topic....my weight loss was great....yes, I said was. I lost 27 lb, which I was beginning to feel quite proud of. And between getting busy and preoccupied with the emotional garbage and other separation-related stuff, I thought I would try not tracking for a while and see how it goes. Well, it went well for the first 10 days, and I continued to lose....a couple of pounds. Then, I had a drink of wine here, a treat there, not enough protein one day..., then another --, a few days without enough veggies...and not putting as much time into exercise....and well, since I wasn't tracking, and wasn't home weighing myself every morning...I didn't really notice but the scale is going back the wrong way a bit, so I'm at an overall 23 lb loss again.

So I really have to pull myself together, make exercise a priority again (because it does feel good, and I did miss it the first week or so after slacking off) and just start tracking my food intake again. It makes all the difference for me.

Of course, it's 11pm now, and I haven't tracked yet for today. I think I'm going to go to bed rather....tomorrow is another day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BECKY0111 10/25/2013 8:41PM

    Thanks for posting, I've been thinking about you. Glad to hear you have a caring support system. Your science teacher made me tear up a little bit.
Don't be discouraged by a couple of pounds and get back on track.
Take care of yourself and your kids. Check in from time to time and let us know how you're doing.
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OTTAWABOUND 10/24/2013 8:45AM

    I was worried about you.

I'm glad to hear that you've been able to connect with friends old and new and, in the midst of such a tough time, take good care of YOU.

You rock.

Hugs. Karen

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SUPER_ACE115 10/24/2013 6:16AM

    First of all, sorry about your separation. As a single mom, I know what you're going through. However, my ex lives half-way across the country, so I don't have to deal with things like visitation.
I suggest you use this time to really decide who want to be and become that person. emoticon
Second, congrats on the weight loss! emoticon emoticon
Lastly, I'm so glad you have so much support! There are people in this world who love and care about you. I know I don't know but please know you are in my prayers. And I wish you all the success in the world!

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SUNNYRAYE 10/24/2013 4:26AM

    I'm so glad you shared with us. Well done on keeping trucking even though things are tough.

You are an inspiration.

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SPARKLETHYME 10/24/2013 2:26AM

    Was there something missing in the marriage?
Yes: a husband with integrity! emoticon
Wishing you much happier days ahead, you certainly deserve them. Congrats on your success, weight-wise and life in general. And such a good momma, too--well done!

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Comment edited on: 10/24/2013 2:29:34 AM

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tiniest bit of energy today -- finally!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

After these past 2 blurry weeks of emotional carnage, horrible self esteem, complete lack of appetite - coupled with everything tasting of straw, a huge lump in my heart that seems to be the source of all my grief...I finally had a day where I felt a little bit better. Still low energy - but I vacummed most of the house, dragged my self to the gym and did 30 minutes on the low end of my cardio range on the elliptical -- I still sweat, and and I was moving the whole time, but I did not push myself, and I still burned 300 calories.

Then I went to yoga class, so I feel better from that too.

I hope this trend continues, because this emotional rollercoaster is taking it's toll on not just my mind, but my body. I cannnot tell you how weak I've been. Yesterday I was dozing on my couch for almost 3.5 hours in total because standing was too difficult.

I'm glad I went out, and though it wasn't the best workout by a very long shot, it did beat not going at all. Hands down.

I am hoping for a few days of no added drama....I can't cope with more right now. I just need to connect with myself again for a while. Funny -- now I have such a big and wonderful support team in place to help me through this, and right now I just don't want to talk to anyone about anything -- I just need me time for a while.....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUNEPA 9/30/2013 12:11AM

    Take your time
I'm glad for you that you are feeling more energetic

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JUNEPA 9/30/2013 12:11AM

    Take your time
I'm glad for you that you are feeling more energetic

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HRTBRKR2013 9/24/2013 2:12AM

    I hope that your day tomorrow gets Better I will add you into my prayers. God's blessing to you.

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Trying to numb the pain

Saturday, September 21, 2013

I don't know how to write what I'm about to write....

For those of you who have read my previous blog, you will know that my husband wants to separate, and that he is actively looking for another woman. He has not moved out yet.

Today, his family, my parents and I got together for a family meeting to discuss how we will handle things together in the future. We planned this yesterday. My husband didn't come home in a timely fashion yesterday evening so I couldn't tell him that I needed him to look after the kids tonight.

So this morning, I told him, I needed for him to pick up the kids from the place that my son's soccer team's pizza party was at at 8:30 as I told him I was meeting a friend from my choir this evening. He answered that tonight wasn't good for him, he too had made plans. (I'm leaving a bunch of stuff out here, because it would be too long otherwise). In the end, I determined that he was meeting up with another woman for the first time tonight, and he didn't want to move the date. And this, while still under the same roof -- Yes! First I asked him where he met this woman, and whether it was from an online dating service. He said yes. I asked him if she knows he's married. He said he "hasn't had a wife in a very long time". I asked him if she knows he's got kids. He said "all that will be put on table tonight".

I felt like telling him that if he goes out tonight with her, he shouldn't bother coming home either.

But I didn't. I looked at him disapprovingly.

Long story short, after he was out of the house for a couple of hours in the morning and returned home, I told him that I was grateful that he told me the truth about whom he's planning to go out with. And I also told him that if his reason were legitimate, that I might have considered moving my arrangement I'd made, but that isn't an option considering what his plan is. So I left him to take care of the kids the whole day, Not just to pick up from the pizza place. I left at 11 am and had lunch with my mom, then went shopping, then to dinner at their house, and then off to the family meeting (not meeting with choir friend as I had posed). He had from 11am -2:30 pm alone before the kids came home to figure things out for the evening arrangement.

At 5:38pm I get a text from him that reads "I'm still trying to plan things out. Do you have an approximate time that you would be returning home from your dinner?"

I replied: "Don't expect me home before 10pm"

Then a while later I get another text from him which reads: "OK. I'll take the kids to the pizza place and bak. Tuck them into bed but I plan to leave the house by 8:45pm. they'll be in bed when you get home. I've rescheduled my meetup for 9:00pm."

I was floored when I received this text. He and I are both fully arware that our kids are not happy and willing to stay alone at home after dark. My son is 12 and my daughter is 9. It took me a while to figure out how to respond.

This is what I said: "I'm surprised! Seriously????...amidst everything now, and the childrens feelings....I'm surprised by your choice. Will you be able to look yourself in the mirror after this? The children should come first, but it is your choice."

Well, I came home at 9:45 to two sleeping children in their beds, and no Papa at home.

And now I am sitting here contemplating the pain from 3 things:

1. He did leave the children alone at home despite my warning signal to him -- which makes me not be able to have full trust when it's his night to take the kids down the road for him to actually be there for them.

2. He is out wining and dining and who knows what else...another woman while I'm sitting here thinking about what he is doing with her and to her and she with and to him.

3. Am I paying for her indulgences? or are they going to split the bill?

emoticon I am sitting here hoping he's not getting set up by a woman who just wants to use him. I am sitting here hoping he can keep his wiener in his pants. I am sitting here knowing that he is going to not make any good choices because his brain isn't working straight right now. If it were, he would not have had a first date organized before he has somewhere to move out to !

The kids were indeed home alone and asleep in their beds when I got home at 9:45.

I need to make sure I can numb this pain enough to be asleep when he gets home. I frankly don't want to know what time he will be coming home at.

His family is supporting me 100%. They all think he's making a huge mistake and are asking if he has gone crazy, and that he's a dreamer about the grass being greener on the other side.

I've taken my sleeping pill and I have had a few glasses of whiskey by now. I haven't had a drink like that in a long time. But I don't under any circumstances want to know when he gets home.

I have hopes and so does he for a relationship where we can still be friends. I know in my heart that when I get over the pain that that will be possible. Howeverit's not that easy....see I'm slurring my speech already!

And I hope he doesn't let his penis make all the desisions for him tonight.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WEARINGTHIN 9/24/2013 1:37AM

    Sending you good wishes for getting through this difficult time. Glenn

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JUNEPA 9/23/2013 9:17PM

    So sorry you are in a very awkward place. Hope the kids are not suffering.

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OTTAWABOUND 9/21/2013 4:00PM

    I'm so sorry. He really does sound unhinged.

It is especially brutal when the person hurting us so badly is the person we would normally turn to for comfort.

Look, as others have said and I have earlier said...you CANNOT count on him to protect your interests or your children's. He showed you that last night. If you haven't already done so, meet with a lawyer and a financial planner who specialize in divorce situations. The law and justice are often different and your husband may be derailed enough from his values that he will act in ways you cannot imagine possible of the man you lived with and loved for so long.

It is also perfectly okay to set a boundary that he doesn't get to go out on dates until he has moved out. Anyone who was not in a totally selfish place would see this. It is utterly unfair to you. But when someone is that self-involved, fairness flies out the window.

YOu've probably spent decades looking after HIM. Now it is very important that you look after yourself. You did a good job of that yesterday. Keep it up. Protect yourself and protect your children because, for whatever reason, he is not capable/willing/able to do that anymore.

Huge hugs.

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SPARKLISE 9/21/2013 12:43PM

    emoticon emoticon

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FANNISHMOM 9/21/2013 10:11AM

    I agree with NellJones. You need to talk to a lawyer and see where you stand. I'm glad you have the support of his family as well as your own. If your husband is already starting to date, you need to move forward with the separation at the very least and make sure you and your children are protected.


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NELLJONES 9/21/2013 8:22AM

    I went through this over 30 years ago. You can't leave your kids alone, it's not only unsafe but illegal. I had to consider myself a single Mom and act accordingly. How will you handle it when he is gone? Act like that now. I went to a lawyer for advice and did what I was told. It's a dismal prospect, I know. It's terrifying and depressing, but time does pass. He is acting as if he were your oldest child,not your husband, and you have to take the active role in what comes next. Maybe your Mom can help out. She will be more reliable than your husband. The law isn't what you think it is. I had a friend whose husband didn't show up to watch the kids, then legally charged her with neglect. Please contact a lawyer to find out where you stand.

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My Husband is from Mars. I am from Venus.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

I began my quest to figure out what could be the root cause of my husband's and my relationship problems/failures, and came to the conclusion that everything was based on communication failure. After gleaning a few insights after some serious soul-searching and journalling I decided it was time to start reading to learn more. But I'm not an avid reader, and don't hang out with readers. I only ever read for information if I have to -- never for pleasure or even self growth. So I didn't know where to start.

I had heard only of one book title often enough to stick in my head, and figured that might be as good a place to start as any: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

I am now halfway through the book. And it is a 100% true mirror reflection of what our marriage was like. Each and every paragraph, so far -- except maybe one -- shines light on the issues that have plagued us. Each one. It's like the book was written about us. All the interpretations of things that get said -- everything fits into place perfectly.

My husband is adament that he does not wish to seek counselling to try to save our marriage. He doesn't want it anymore. I so long for him to put in one last effort. Just if he would read this book, maybe he'd understand enough of how we went wrong to either want to give it one last chance, or, if for no other reason than to help him have a healthier relationship with the next woman.

Of course, there is a facet to this problem that this book and counselling couldn't solve, even if he were to accept it: He wants a woman of Indian descent now. Someone who speaks the language of the country he was born in and lived in until he was 7. He wants someone to understand the culture completely and that can laugh at all the jokes. I cannot compete with that. I am caucasian. I have taken 5 courses attempting to learn Punjabi and Hindi. I understand about 30% of what is being said, and I cannot speak the language.

Mid life crisis. There's no other way to put this.

19 years of marriage plus 7 of dating = 26 years down the tubes.

He really is from Mars. I must be from Venus.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LILI777 10/14/2013 2:26AM

  I'm so sorry to read what you're going through. I can relate to a lot that you wrote. Maybe it would be better for you to get out now while you're still young rather than wait until you're old like me. Sadly, I am writing from experience. emoticon

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ANEILSON 9/18/2013 9:42AM

    I am so very sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. While no marriage is perfect it sounds to me as if he is being very selfish. Yes he may not be happy and may want to end the marriage but to be actively looking for someone new before he even broke the news to you that he wanted to end your union is unthinkable. You are a strong woman and will get through this and come out even stronger.

I've sent you a private message with my contact info if you ever want to contact me to talk outside of Sparkpeople.

Hugs to you! You will get through this.

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56ROSE 9/17/2013 4:36PM

    I know you must feel that you have wasted 26 years of your life but, as long as you have learned something from this relationship about yourself & others, the time was not wasted. I have learned that personal growth often comes from pain & crisis. I have experienced numerous relationship heartaches but I have come to the realization that these were all necessary to pave the way for a better tomorrow. Lessons learned! I hope you will be able to accept his decision and move on to a better life for you & your children. HUGS!
PS Keep reading those self help books... they made a world of difference in my understanding of human behavior.

Comment edited on: 9/17/2013 4:39:04 PM

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MOMTO2TOMBOYS 9/15/2013 6:36PM

    You are a strong woman! Your husband is obviously putting himself first before you or your children...it is now your job to take care of yourself and them and don't worry about him anymore. Your life is beginning anew and you have the freedom to do whatever you want without having to try to please anyone, but God...what an incredible gift!! I know you don't think of it that way, but I am living in a loveless marriage, at least on the part of my husband. I had tried everything I could think of, read 100's of books, talked to councilors and nothing helped. My husband has no interest in me, our two daughters or any part of our lives. BUT, he claims nothing is wrong and that I am the one with the problem. He gets up after we leave for school/work, goes to work himself, comes home after and goes strait into his office to play on his computer. If we try to go in to talk to him he gets very annoyed/angry. He stays in there, not coming out to eat with us, or watch TV with us, or do anything together with us. After we all go to bed he goes in the kitchen and fixes his own supper. Even if I made something he said he wanted. He eats in front of the TV and then goes to bed after I have gone to sleep. Day after day after day... He doesn't want to leave. He says if I want to leave that's up to me, I'm the one with the problem, he says. He says he is fine with how things are.
I can't afford to leave. The girls have only ever known this house and these schools...their lives are here. They have no idea how a "normal" family should be so they don't know that this is not the right way to live. I am stuck. So we live our lives and he lives his and ignores us. I am a Christian and am blessed with a wonderful, supportive church family that I and the girls love.
I sometimes think that if he would only leave, then we could pick up the pieces and go on to something better. Not another husband/daddy...just something better on our own. So this is why I call what you are experiencing a "Gift". Stay strong, girlfriend...it will all work out and you WILL find it in yourself to be happy!! He is not weighing you down anymore...
Much love to you and your dear children...


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OTTAWABOUND 9/15/2013 12:22PM

    Mid life crisis indeed. It's a shame that he will create so much damage in its wake for you, your children, and even him. emoticon

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JUNEPA 9/14/2013 5:17PM

    I can't see how he is not going to regret breaking up a family to start another one. So sad he is making these choices.
Thinking of you, wishing you the best

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STRONG_SARAH 9/14/2013 12:29PM

    I'm sorry. It's always hard to end a relationship after so many years. If you are the kind of person who likes silver linings though, just think, it's a new beginning for you. Good luck.

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BEST_OF_ARIN 9/14/2013 12:29PM


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Comment edited on: 9/14/2013 12:30:25 PM

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Full of Thoughts but Feeling Empty

Friday, September 13, 2013

Since Saturday's blow when my husband told me he wanted to separate, I have been so down.

Today was the first day I was able to eat more than 800 calories or so -- the heartache was so unbearable I couldn't eat. Everything tastes of straw. Of course consequently my energy level is down in the dumps, and I am just numb.

I am trying to process in my head that he's leaving, that he's actively looking for someone new, how and when to tell the kids, wanting to tell my sister-in-law whom I love before my husband tells her and her family but being scared whether that is the right thing to do, trying to wrap my head around splitting our assets while at the same time not wanting to halt the process we've been working on for months now to buy an investment property that would be up for development in 5-10 years which we when it gets sold use the proceeds for kids education, but realizing things could get ugly if we proceed with the purchase and things go south and the as yet unchosen other woman then gets partial rights to as well after some time....hypothetical stuff as yet, but mind-blowing at a time like this to think about. He would live there -- so he would move out when it's purchased, which nothing is as of yet. So we don't know when or where to he is moving......doesn't want to waste money on rent -- that's not our style...so haven't told our kids yet either.

OMG so much to think about.

And I have to take therapy to help build my confidence in myself because it's near 0 right now, and I need to start building a vision, a goal for myself, of what i want to do (for work other than what I'm doing now -- and hopefully build a small business for myself--- the question is only: WHAT.

All of that and trying to come to terms with and start healing my emotions.

Thank goodness for sleeping pills. And thank goodness that I began taking antidepressants 3 days before he told me he wanted to leave.

So, yes, I may be full of thoughts, but actually am quite empty what concerns strength.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

46SHADOW 9/15/2013 9:11PM


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BECKY0111 9/13/2013 9:40AM

    I agree with Ottawabound. Get someone to represent your interests. You don't need to fight this battle alone, and you are entitled to your fair share.
I have a bad feeling about investing with someone who obviously has his best interests at heart. Your phrasing "as yet unchosen other woman" is heartrending. They can pay their own rent!
If you miss your sister-in-law, go ahead and confide in her. Just be careful not to badmouth her brother.
Don't forget to take care of yourself! Try to get at least 1,000 calories today. People depend on you. You have to stay strong for your children.

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OTTAWABOUND 9/13/2013 8:21AM

    emoticon It's like getting a blow to the side of the head...makes it tough to think of anything but the pain.

Do spend some money on a lawyer or financial counsellor who specializes in divorce finances. It can make a big difference for your financial health down the line. As you say, a third party with financial claims could easily make things very tricky. I know you say that you don't want to waste money on rent, but perhaps he could waste the money for a period of six months while you put the legal agreements in place.

Look at it this way...he's had time to think about and make his decision, he's alreayd putting himself first, so it's probable that he is putting his financial health first and well ahead of yours, no matter what words he may be saying. You, on the other hand, have had this come out of the blue. So he's been planning and you are in shocked reaction. Which puts you at a big disadvantage. Do what you can to level the field and protect your future self and your kids' future.

I'm sending you some strength for the day.

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SPARKLISE 9/13/2013 5:05AM

    So sorry for you. emoticon

Stay strong! emoticon

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WRITINGRUNNER 9/13/2013 3:35AM

    Poor you. Stay strong, My thoughts are with you x

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