Friday, October 17, 2014
Where to start... who even knows at this point. Let's just cut to the chase, I'm lazy and I've gained 42 pounds back, taking me from the glorious 178 that I had reached last year to the 221 mark where I currently reside. There is no other reason for it besides the fact that I am lazy. Although I must say, I've come up with a pretty hefty list of excuses as to why it's happened...
Excuse #1, I work graveyard shifts, and I don't have the time or energy. I've been on graveyard shifts for close to 4 months now, and it sucks. My eating is haywire because of my sleeping schedule. Some days, I won't eat anything at all because I'll just sleep the entire day away (which I'm guessing is largely due to the fact that I'm so lazy that I have no motivation to stay awake). I'll go to work that night, get off the next morning, and grab about $10-15 worth of junk food. I'll go home, get my kiddo ready for school and take her to the bus, then go park my arse on the couch with the Netflix remote and my bag of crappy food. I'll inhale it all, then go to sleep a few hours later with a mega tummy ache. Generally, I'll repeat the cycle every day. Truth be told, I have the time. I just don't take it because I'm lazy. Lazy is what I've become accustomed to. Anything beyond coming home and relaxing sounds like torture to me. Hell, even thinking about taking a walk around the block makes me cringe. It's not even really on a lazy scale anymore, it's slothful status.
Excuse #2, I live in the country about 35 minutes away from the closest grocery store, so it's nearly impossible for me to keep fresh fruits/veggies on hand at all times. Although this is an excuse, it's one that I kind of stand behind. Is that any reason to still not try and eat as healthy as I can aside from that? Not at all. But you bet your ass I'm using it as a pathetic excuse. Before I moved to CA back in March, I lived in AZ in the city. I had grocery stores all around me. I could go to the store every few days, pick up a batch of produce, and be set for the next few days before I ran out and would go back. Going from having a ton of grocery stores within 5 minutes of you to having nothing even remotely close to you is pretty daunting. I can't really bulk buy fruit, because I am seriously limited on counter space, not to mention I live in the country so bugs/other crap gets in the house easily, and fruit doesn't last THAT long as it is.
Excuse #3, I'm too tired to prepare my meals, and I don't have time. Okay, maybe the too tired thing is slightly true. But I do have the time. Or rather, I could MAKE the time. But the fact is that I don't. Why? Because, I'm lazy. Am I proud of that fact? Not at all. But the sad truth is, it's where I'm stuck right now. It's easy to comfort myself with multiple cups of sweet, creamy coffee while at work to distract myself from the fact that it's friggin 3 am and I want to be at home in my warm bed asleep. It's easy to get off of work and buy a bunch of junk food to eat instantly instead of going home and cooking myself breakfast. It's easy to change into my comfy clothes once I get home and sit on the couch to relax instead of making myself do some kind of physical activity first. Mentally, I'm NOT lazy. Mentally, I think about becoming healthy again. I plan things out while I'm lying in bed, thinking about how at midnight that night, I will start over (I'm at work at midnight, so my days are all wonky, midnight begins a new day in my mind). Thinking of how once I get off work, I will go home and do some exercise. Or I will cook food to have on hand when I wake up. Do I do any of that? No, it all stays in my head. And the "motivation" or "desire" or whatever it is goes away, only to come back a few days later again.
It's not that I DON'T know how to do this. How to be healthy, how to lose weight, how to cut back... because I do. Any of you that have been following me for long enough, you know that I lost almost 60 pounds last year, and I was rocking the crap out of my healthy lifestyle. What happened? Honestly, I don't know. I could blame the move to CA, the living in the country away from a grocery store, the loneliness from not having any friends out here (except for my parents and my boyfriend and my daughter, I'm a loner)... but the fact is that the laziness started before I ever moved. In fact, it started around December of last year. It probably started with the typical holiday gain (God help me, I do love me some holiday time food), the lack of exercise around that time (because of the holiday gains, I got complacent and comfortable because I was feeling good about my weight loss), and it just continued once I moved, because things got more "difficult". It's like I can hardly even look in the mirror anymore, because I'm repulsed by how I look. I used to never leave the house without makeup, now I can't even count the number of times I've left the house in the past few months barefaced, because I can't bring myself to put any effort into looking nice. All I want to do is sleep and be lazy. I'm pretty sure at this point, I'm in a bit of a depression about how far I've let myself go. And I know that's what it is, because I really have nothing else to be sad about. My daughter is doing wonderful in school (she started this year), I have a boyfriend who loves and supports me through everything (and has taken the father role with my daughter, which is FANTASTIC), parents who live nearby and are able to help me with whatever I need, a full time job (although it is INSANELY stressful with the way it's run and how short staffed we are)... the only thing I'm unhappy with is myself, because I know I'm better than this. I KNOW that I know how to do this, but the fact that I'm NOT doing it is really getting to me. And yet, I can't seem to break out of this lazy rut and try. And I want to, believe me, I do. None of my clothes fit, hell, even my fat pants are tight. My work clothes are tight. Even my comfy clothes fit bad! I jiggle all over the place, I have NO muscle whatsoever, I feel like I'm suffocating in my fatness...but what do I do? I continue to be lazy and stuff my face of course. Because I'm so wrapped up in this lazy spiral, anything else feels like torture. It feels impossible. It feels like something I can never achieve.
Am I looking for sympathy? No, not really. Because I know I was the one who brought this upon myself. I know that I am the one who let myself get out of control again, and I know that I am the one who is keeping myself here. Do I know how to get off of this crazy carousel and hop back on the healthy horse? Yes... I do. But as we all know, KNOWING and DOING are 2 completely different things. One is easy, one is hard. It's easy to think, but to put thoughts into actions is a whole different ball game. All I know is that I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of hating myself for how I look now. I'm tired of trying to look nice for my man and feeling like I just look like a sloppy blob. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and just being disgusted with everything that I see. Somehow I have to get motivated to do this again, because vanity aside, I can feel the toll it's taking on my body. I have bad tummy troubles, indigestion, knee pain...etc. The onslaught of fast and furious weight gain is what did it. Now I just have to figure out how to knock sense into myself and reverse this process before it goes any further in the wrong direction....
Steps 1 and 2 are to get active on Spark again, and get my eating under control. I would LOVE if anyone has helpful advice to send my way, especially if there are any people out there who work graveyard shifts or HAVE worked graveyard shifts, and can give me some pointers on how to work a healthy lifestyle around crazy weird work hours. I've missed you all, and I'm so sorry that I've been away for so long. I hope there are still some of you out there who are still willing to support me.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
I can't walk out!
Hello ssparkles... long time no talk! I apologize in advance for spelli any mistakes, I'm typing this on my lovely touchscreen phone, and as we all know, touchscreen can play havoc on words.
Anyway, I'm struggling (I know, big shocker).. I should actually be asleep right now since I have to get up early for work, but my mind is just racing right now, so sleep isn't really happening.
So those of you that have been around long enough to really know me, know that I lost almost 60 lbs last year, purely through healthy eating, portion control, treats in moderation, and exercise. Unfortunately, most of you also know that I gained a little over half of it back, and I'm still hanging on to that gain. At the beginning of this year, when I still worked at Target, I was introduced to Herbalife by a girl that I worked with. I bought quite a bit of it, and have been trying to do it off and on for months now. The longest stretch of time that I've managed to stay on track was 14 days. I know what you're all thinking, that I bought into the typical "fast fix" idea. I'm not stupid, I know that there is no such thing as a fast fix to a life long problem.. but for some reason, even though drinking shakes for 2 of my meals a day is SO easy, I can't seem to stick with it. I don't know if it's that I miss actually EATING and CHEWING food, or if I just feel too much pressure to adhere to the program... I'm not sure what it is. But I just cannot seem to keep my head in the game. I fall off the Wagon for weeks at a time before getting back on. Not healthy in the slightest. I feel like crap most of the time because I'm jerking my body so violently between being super healthy and being super gluttonous. I know that although the healthy eating + exercise way is harder, takes longer, and sometimes is a lot more time consuming, it works. I know from experiwnce. I think a lot of my problem is fear.. I'm afraid to lose a lot of weight again, because whose to say I won't screw up and gain it all back plus more again? Negative thinking is my biggest downfall. It's also the hardest thing to work on...
I know this isn't even a very coherent sounding blog. It's mostly a jumbled mess that was in my head and had to come out.. I guess I'm looking for some affirmation or even all your thoughts on this.. or even maybe ideas of how to stop being afraid and start believing in myself again.. even the thought of exercise is terrifying, and I used to be a freaking machine. It's sad, really, how far I've retreated into my dark and obese days.
I'm also sorry I haven't been around much.. not having Internet at my house is taking a huge toll on my ability to get online all the time. Stupid limited phone data and whatnot. Hopefully there's still some of you out there who believe in me, and are willing to support me. I miss you all!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Heya sparkles, I'm back! Sorry for my extended absence... at first I was avoiding Spark because I was off track (naturally, that's generally always the time that I avoid it), but then before I knew it, moving time was upon me! I'm in CA now, have been for almost 2 weeks (it'll be 2 weeks on Friday). No internet yet, so my contact is limited unless I'm at my parents house using internet (which is what I'm currently doing).
Cali is pretty nice so far. I live out in the country, which is definitely an adjustment, considering that I came from a big city. The scenery is really pretty though, it's a really old town so there is a lot of old abandoned buildings and shop fronts from way back when. It's also really quiet, which I'm still not used to. I go to bed at night listening to crickets, and wake up listening to birds. Quite the change from city/town noises. I live really close to the border (I can see it from my street) so border patrol is around a lot. I actually saw them go by on horseback yesterday, I had to do a double take to make sure of what I was seeing!
I also landed my first ever full time job, pending background check. Super excited (and nervous) about that... but mostly anxious to start working again. It's been a month since I left my last job, boredom has officially set in! I'm looking forward to actually making good money and being able to pay all my bills and whatnot.
Aaaaaand of course in all the craziness, I gained weight. I wasn't even TRYING to not gain. I pretty much ate anything and everything bad, for weeks on end. And the scale is most definitely reflecting it... so instead of doing my usual "jump in head first" approach of getting back on track, I'm trying to take it slowly... Monday I did good until the night time, yesterday I was perfect, and today so far I've been good. Living in the country means there's a LOT of outdoor areas to walk/do outdoor exercises... so I'm forcing myself to take advantage of it. Yesterday I walked/jogged around the lake a couple times. If I can get in the habit of doing that, then slowly I'll progress and add more exercise into it. Food is definitely the big focus though, because that's been beyond out of control. I know that after a week or two of being good, it'll get easier... what sucks is the GETTING THROUGH those few weeks... those first few weeks when you always feel hungry... when you crave the bad stuff... when you just DON'T WANNA workout... but I will keep reminding myself that it will get better... fake it til I make it! I've done it before and I can do it again.
I hope all of you are doing awesome. I will check in when I can, and hopefully I'll start working soon so that I can start getting paychecks! Because paychecks = internet in my house! TTFN!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Well, I'm happy to report that today is day 9 of my "back on track" streak!! Being back at Zumba feels AMAAAAAAAAAAZING. The first couple classes were ridiculously hard. I remembered most of the moves, but oh my gosh... my grace had pretty much all disappeared... as well as my flexibility.. and my ability to move... I pretty much gallumphed around like a baby calf for the whole hour, and left feeling frustrated (but still happy). It's only been about a week, but the classes are already getting easier again. I'm going to go and do a R.I.P.P.E.D class tonight, so I think it's safe to say that I'll be pretty sore tomorrow!
I won't be as small as I had hoped in time for Vegas (which is 17 days away, WOOOOOOOOOOO), but that's just something I have to deal with. I think I've got all my clothes shopping done. I FINALLY found a maxi skirt that is the PERFECT length, which is amazing because I'm short and usually maxi skirts devour my lower half and make it look like a have a wedding train. Found some shirts, a bathing suit, flip flops.. So all I can do is be as good as I can with food and exercise until we go, and then just accept how I look while I'm there. All that matters is that I'll be having a blast with my sister! I plan on having an amazing time no matter what I weigh. And naturally, we will take a gajillion pictures to show everyone. I wish it was sooner, but time will fly!!
In other news... the move to CA is quickly approaching, and I'm getting nervous. My last day at Target should be two weeks from today. The house I'll be renting in CA is being renovated.. moving plans are being made... I can't believe it's all actually happening...and so quickly. I'm hoping it's a blessing in disguise, and not a mistake. I guess in the long run, I will find out. I can't wait to actually see the house in person, instead of just through pictures. I hope it's as awesome as my parents told me it is!
Anyway, tata for now Sparkles. Hope everyone is having a good week!
Sunday, March 02, 2014
Ah yes, the old shame spiral. We all know it. It's that cycle that starts when you slip up and gain a few pounds back. You get angry, and instead of working to reverse the negative, you keep adding to it. You eat more, and workout less. Is it a punishment to yourself? In my case it is. Instead of reaching out for help, you lock it away in your shame box, and continue to pack on the pounds. You don't go back to classes, because you don't want everyone to see the weight you've put back on. You avoid all weight loss talk, because you don't want to admit how bad you've slipped (even though it's visually obvious). And so you continue to be depressed. Continue to pack in the food until you can't even breathe. And then you cry, because none of your clothes fit anymore. You pull out your fat clothes again, and cry at how uncomfortably they fit. You cry over how you look. You cry over how you feel. And STILL, instead of asking for help, you continue to hide it. You continue to eat. WHY? I don't know, I wish I did.
I lost my way during the holiday season. And I know I'm not the only one, a lot of people did. The difference between them and me, is that I'm STILL wandering blindly. I eat and eat and eat until I can't breathe and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't exercise, because months of bad food have made me feel so sluggish that I don't want to do anything but sleep or sit on the couch. I've gained about 30ish pounds back since October. May not seem like much, but it's about half of what I had lost. I know it's visually obvious. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel special (I feel special when I'm losing weight. Weight lossers really are a special and elite group, because it's such a hard thing to accomplish in my eyes). I feel like nothing but an enormous failure. It's not a fun feeling. It's a miserable one! I've tried to take steps to get back on track. But being this far off the wagon makes everything feel impossible. There was a time where I was BLAST through my workouts, and LOVE it. I would feel INCREDIBLE and couldn't wait to do it the next day again. Now? The thought of even putting out my workout clothes is horrific. Especially because they definitely show how far I've backtracked. Everything seems unattainable, even the simplest task (like not drinking soda).
But, the fight is STILL not over for me. There's been a couple times these past few months where I think "I guess this is over, I guess I'll just continue to gain weight until I tip the scales at 400 pounds and everyone points and laughs at me". But I know in the back of my mind, that won't happen. I wouldn't let it. Because even at this point, with as much progress as I've lost, I still haven't given up. I may be failing consistently with getting back on track, but yet I'm still trying. This is my last month in Tucson, so tomorrow, I plan to go back to Zumba. I know it will only be for a month, but I know that Zumba saved my life once already. And I bet that it can do it again. If I can force myself to do a month full of Zumba (initially a force, to get myself moving. I LOVE Zumba), as well as work on my food, I think that I can get back on track. Zumba was what really made me love working out in general, and I think that if I can get that feeling back in my heart and in my mind, then I will remember the rush I get from being healthy. It's going to take time (and probably a bit of stumbling), but even after all this time, I STILL refuse to give up.
I'm sorry to everyone that I've blown off or ignored. I didn't do it to be mean. I did it because when I feel ashamed, I hide from everyone. If any of you are still willing to support me, and haven't given up on me, I would definitely appreciate the love.
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