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I can feel it coming in the air tonight.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Well, I'm happy to report that today is day 9 of my "back on track" streak!! Being back at Zumba feels AMAAAAAAAAAAZING. The first couple classes were ridiculously hard. I remembered most of the moves, but oh my gosh... my grace had pretty much all disappeared... as well as my flexibility.. and my ability to move... I pretty much gallumphed around like a baby calf for the whole hour, and left feeling frustrated (but still happy). It's only been about a week, but the classes are already getting easier again. I'm going to go and do a R.I.P.P.E.D class tonight, so I think it's safe to say that I'll be pretty sore tomorrow!

I won't be as small as I had hoped in time for Vegas (which is 17 days away, WOOOOOOOOOOO), but that's just something I have to deal with. I think I've got all my clothes shopping done. I FINALLY found a maxi skirt that is the PERFECT length, which is amazing because I'm short and usually maxi skirts devour my lower half and make it look like a have a wedding train. Found some shirts, a bathing suit, flip flops.. So all I can do is be as good as I can with food and exercise until we go, and then just accept how I look while I'm there. All that matters is that I'll be having a blast with my sister! I plan on having an amazing time no matter what I weigh. And naturally, we will take a gajillion pictures to show everyone. I wish it was sooner, but time will fly!!

In other news... the move to CA is quickly approaching, and I'm getting nervous. My last day at Target should be two weeks from today. The house I'll be renting in CA is being renovated.. moving plans are being made... I can't believe it's all actually happening...and so quickly. I'm hoping it's a blessing in disguise, and not a mistake. I guess in the long run, I will find out. I can't wait to actually see the house in person, instead of just through pictures. I hope it's as awesome as my parents told me it is!

Anyway, tata for now Sparkles. Hope everyone is having a good week!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EMMY_DUCKIE149 3/16/2014 9:49PM

    Think positive, happy thoughts! Get HYPE!

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AHTRAP 3/14/2014 11:23PM

    Good luck with the move...I hadn't caught that bit...you think maybe the stress of the thought of packing up and moving might have had something to do with knocking you off track for a bit?

Either way, you're back on the right track...keep it rolling that way!

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RAVEN_SKY 3/14/2014 9:03PM

    Congrats on your streak, awesome!
Love that you have such a positive outlook on things and taking it as it comes. Zumba was always hard for me, I never felt coordinated and usually get confused. But no matter what it is a great workout and I always felt amazing afterwards. Good luck on your move :)

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BRADMILL2922 3/13/2014 3:33AM

    Things are moving right along for you, aren't they? Good for you, you deserve it! You are right, time will fly until vacation and until the move. They will be here in no time! You will have a great time on vacation! Keep up that streak and keep working hard!

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CHODGES83 3/12/2014 2:24PM

    Sending good vibes that this move is just what you need! A change can be just the thing to turn you around...not that you're headed in the wrong direction...just that it may help you stay motivated being closer to family. Anyway, I'm sending you good vibes.

Definitely don't stress about Vegas. You are going to have a blast! Besides the only person worried about your weight in Vegas will be you! Everyone else will be too worried about what they look like. Actually, you won't be worried about it because you are going to be having too much fun!

In my best Kristen Wiig voice:
Ready to par-teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eey!

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GREGGWEISBROD 3/12/2014 1:36PM

    The mental image of a skirt eating your legs is making me laugh out loud for reals! :-D You know, I'm just so happy that you'll at least be heading to Vegas with feelings of pride in yourself for having gutted it out the last couple of months and have come out strong and re-focused. You're all the hero you need, all the hero you'll ever need. Remember that always. I'm so excited to see what this new chapter brings in your life, and really excited to see you out and running in those fab shoes! :-D Please don't ever hesitate to hit me up for advice with running, it would be my absolute pleasure to share whatever I can. *HUGS* Have a great rest of your week, Ms. Pond!

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NEWLEAF16 3/12/2014 11:58AM

    Congrats on the 9 days (and counting) streak!!! Have a great vacation and hope all goes well with the move

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WHOVIAN3 3/12/2014 10:02AM

    glad you are back on track! Dont stop!

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BONOLICIOUS2 3/12/2014 9:01AM

    Okay, fellow shorty here, where did you find a maxi skirt that doesn't look like a kid wearing her mother's oversized clothes?!?!??!

Awww I must have missed this upcoming move, but that sounds like a GREAT opportunity for a fresh start! I hope that is what it is for you - a nice fresh start with lots of open doors for you! What part of CA - because I hear the weather can be amazing there so you'll have lots of sunshine to get you going!

I was just talking about weight + vacations with another sparkie. I think the only people that TRULY will care about what your weight is on your vacation will be YOU. Everyone else is a complete stranger just trying to have a fun vacation, not focused on picking you out on your weight. Let yourself forget about that for a minute, just have fun, and when you get back you'll like the pictures not because you are "skinnier" but because you have a genuine happy smile on your face. HAVE FUN!

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SWEETNEEY 3/12/2014 8:46AM

    There are no mistakes just experiences. I love Zumba - I still galump around.

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BAZOOKABOBCAT 3/12/2014 8:45AM

    hahaha! Love the "baby calf" metaphor. Sounds kind of adorable, actually!

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YAEME79 3/12/2014 3:49AM

    If I go even a few days w/o exercise or any physical activity I have to start all over it seems. I am very uncoordinated! I get mad at people that can jump right back in like they never missed a day

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DEBADEAU 3/11/2014 7:55PM

    Baby calf? I’m crying laughing! You’re doing SO great!! Nine days and counting. I wonder what your new streak will be! I’m happy you’ve found your way back, and glad that we are in this together. Cali will be lucky to have you! This move will be a good thing :)

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NIMIRRA137 3/11/2014 7:03PM

    First off, love the song from the title of this blog! Second off, great job with your streak! You're doing awesome.

Be sure to take lots of pictures in Vegas. You'll have a blast and hopefully you won't even worry about whether you're as small as you had hoped or not. The size of your body shouldn't determine how much fun you have while in Las Vegas.

Good luck with your move.

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ARUNNINGKAT 3/11/2014 6:39PM

    Congrats on the 9 day streak! I don't know that I will ever be graceful at Zumba, but I always enjoy it anyway. emoticon Which reminds me that I should get back to attending a Zumba class at least once a week.

I am excited for you on your upcoming trip! I am sure you are going to have the best time ever!

Moving is super scary sometimes, but I am sure that it will turn out to be a great thing for you! And I agree with RAINA413, we need photos! emoticon

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RAINA413 3/11/2014 6:21PM

    So thrilled for you!!! Nine days and counting! that is an awesome streak! And just think of all the walking and swimming you will be doing in Vegas. Don't forget to track it because it all counts!
I have to ask, what is a R.I.P.P.E.D class? Sounds interesting. i might want to try that. Goodness knows I tried Zumba because of you, too!

Good luck with your move to CA. I think this will be a good thing for you. A fresh start and a new beginning. Plus, with all the good weather it gives you that much more opportunity to get outside and move around walking, jogging, mowing the lawn...whatever! At least you won't be cooped up indoors or stuck only going to the gym. You can get in extra fitness elsewhere to keep on track and to keep things from getting stale. Can't wait to read your blog all about the house. Hope you will post photos!

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The dreaded shame spiral.

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Ah yes, the old shame spiral. We all know it. It's that cycle that starts when you slip up and gain a few pounds back. You get angry, and instead of working to reverse the negative, you keep adding to it. You eat more, and workout less. Is it a punishment to yourself? In my case it is. Instead of reaching out for help, you lock it away in your shame box, and continue to pack on the pounds. You don't go back to classes, because you don't want everyone to see the weight you've put back on. You avoid all weight loss talk, because you don't want to admit how bad you've slipped (even though it's visually obvious). And so you continue to be depressed. Continue to pack in the food until you can't even breathe. And then you cry, because none of your clothes fit anymore. You pull out your fat clothes again, and cry at how uncomfortably they fit. You cry over how you look. You cry over how you feel. And STILL, instead of asking for help, you continue to hide it. You continue to eat. WHY? I don't know, I wish I did.

I lost my way during the holiday season. And I know I'm not the only one, a lot of people did. The difference between them and me, is that I'm STILL wandering blindly. I eat and eat and eat until I can't breathe and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't exercise, because months of bad food have made me feel so sluggish that I don't want to do anything but sleep or sit on the couch. I've gained about 30ish pounds back since October. May not seem like much, but it's about half of what I had lost. I know it's visually obvious. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel special (I feel special when I'm losing weight. Weight lossers really are a special and elite group, because it's such a hard thing to accomplish in my eyes). I feel like nothing but an enormous failure. It's not a fun feeling. It's a miserable one! I've tried to take steps to get back on track. But being this far off the wagon makes everything feel impossible. There was a time where I was BLAST through my workouts, and LOVE it. I would feel INCREDIBLE and couldn't wait to do it the next day again. Now? The thought of even putting out my workout clothes is horrific. Especially because they definitely show how far I've backtracked. Everything seems unattainable, even the simplest task (like not drinking soda).

But, the fight is STILL not over for me. There's been a couple times these past few months where I think "I guess this is over, I guess I'll just continue to gain weight until I tip the scales at 400 pounds and everyone points and laughs at me". But I know in the back of my mind, that won't happen. I wouldn't let it. Because even at this point, with as much progress as I've lost, I still haven't given up. I may be failing consistently with getting back on track, but yet I'm still trying. This is my last month in Tucson, so tomorrow, I plan to go back to Zumba. I know it will only be for a month, but I know that Zumba saved my life once already. And I bet that it can do it again. If I can force myself to do a month full of Zumba (initially a force, to get myself moving. I LOVE Zumba), as well as work on my food, I think that I can get back on track. Zumba was what really made me love working out in general, and I think that if I can get that feeling back in my heart and in my mind, then I will remember the rush I get from being healthy. It's going to take time (and probably a bit of stumbling), but even after all this time, I STILL refuse to give up.

I'm sorry to everyone that I've blown off or ignored. I didn't do it to be mean. I did it because when I feel ashamed, I hide from everyone. If any of you are still willing to support me, and haven't given up on me, I would definitely appreciate the love.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TENS_GIRL75 3/25/2014 10:09AM

    You are not alone. I went off the rails back in December and never got back on. After losing 20 pounds I have gained 15 of them back. I was pretty much in denial until I realized I couldn't button any of the new pants I had bought. I hopped on the scale thinking "oh this won't be bad..." and it was. I know what I have been doing wrong. A couple weeks ago at work I ate a whole bag of donuts by myself, tons of fried chicken strips from the cafeteria, tons of excuses for not working out. So my spiral includes excuses and convincing myself its okay.
When I logged back in after being gone since January I came here first to check how you were doing! So glad to see the move is in progress and we are both getting back on track! emoticon

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BRADMILL2922 3/6/2014 3:19AM

    It really is a terrible cycle that we can fall into. It seems never ending but I promise there is an end. It seems like you are making steps by getting back to Zumba. It seems like you are sticking your hand up through the brush and reaching for that light. You will find it! You will get on track and you WILL do even better than before! I believe it...and I know that deep down that you do as well! Keep your chin up!

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AHTRAP 3/5/2014 7:08PM

    you do realize, don't you, that if weight lossers are a special and elite group, then by dint of having lost weight successfully before, you yourself are special and elite?

Yeah, backsliding happened. To the weight lossers who keep the weight off are the most specialist of those special elites, the Navy Seals of us weight loser types, if you will. Doesn't mean you aren't special and elite, though.

Swing on the spiral, but don't let it drown you. The fun thing about spirals is that you keep going, and you will find yourself facing the other way soon enough. When you get there, get off the spiral and keep going in that (good) direction.

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ASHESS85 3/5/2014 11:09AM

    I feel like your words are coming from my brain! LOL I feel soooo similar. I also started to fall off the wagon in November after my wedding and then with the holidays it really got bad. I think we both know the things we have done wrong and just need to push those silly excuses out the window! It's time to love ourselves again my friend! We can do it! emoticon

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TIGER_LILY_613 3/3/2014 11:25PM

    Shame sometimes distorts reality so much that things look and feel much worse than they really are.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing great by reaching out when you need help. It takes courage to let people in when we feel vulnerable.

Years ago, I slipped badly and didn't ask for help, because I didn't want anyone to think less of me. I let the shame spiral take over and ended up ballooning past my starting point. You're doing the right thing by askign for help.

You have a great attitude. For your zumba class - just show up. Even if it means just being there for 5 minutes the first time. Sometimes all it takes is that first step. Once you're there for a while, things will pick up through force of habit.

You also mentioned in a previous blog that you'd be moving soon. You might be stress-eating - relocating can be very stressful. To make things easier for yourself, try, if you can, to put a system in place that makes things much easier for you. Like batch-cooking on the weekend or locating a nearby store that sells healthy meals, so that you'll have healthy options when the need to eat strikes.

Hang in there. We're here for ya. And I really do believe that you can do this :)

Comment edited on: 3/3/2014 11:27:31 PM

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RAINA413 3/3/2014 3:05PM

    I know just how you feel! I am just getting back to where I was before the holidays as well. It is never easy to get back on track but once you do it just becomes a healthy habit once again. Zumba freaked me out at first. I am so uncoordinated, but if you find a class with fun people and/or a good teacher you really enjoy it because you realize you aren't the only one who feels that way. The best thing about Zumba is that you don't have to be exact...just so long as you keep moving you keep burning! I have to say, it helped get my head back in the game. Shame and hopelessness is something that we all have to recognize as being the toughest challenge, we have all been there, but keep in mind, we are all fighting that fight alongside you. You are not alone!! We are all here to help each other get back onto the right track.

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MAUREENREDUX 3/3/2014 11:44AM

    I am just getting back to where I was before the holidays and I just had a bad weekend so I am trying to pull myself out from making a bad weekend turn into a bad week, a bad month...When I started at the gym in December, I was very intimidated by the classes - especially Zumba, because I didn't think I could do it, was too embarrassed by my lack of coordination, not to mention body shape...but then one day I walked in and tried it. I felt sweaty and exhausted, but great! I made it through the hour. Even the young, fit girls are so inclusive that I begin to forget that I am the uncoordinated old lady in the back row. I now look forward to classes and it has helped tremendously to keep my head in the game. The self flagellation and shame is something that we all have to recognize as being the toughest challenge to master. No apologies necessary---remember that many are fighting the same fight. I hope that something you read today will help propel you back onto the right track.

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AMBERLICIOUS88 3/3/2014 11:34AM

    I know exactly how you feel...but sometimes just going and DOING it is easier than the constant self abuse we give ourselves. I say this of course after a bad wknd of eating and I'm probably about to have a bad lunch too.. :( Go get em tiger..sometimes it's just that first time back that gives you the kick in the butt you need.

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KMK242003 3/3/2014 11:18AM

  This is EXACTLY me! You are so not alone and I congratulate you on not giving up. This is a step by step process and you made the 1st two - reaching out to your support group and then getting back to an exercise you find fun! Get back on track and you will start to feel better about yourself emotionally which will then show on the scale and in the fit of your clothes...YOU CAN DO IT!

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CARI2012 3/3/2014 11:15AM

    If we could all just get our brains to SHUT UP, I think we'd be much better off ;)
Good luck at Zumba today, and for the rest of the month! You've got good things coming, don't ruin them with spending all day beating yourself up!

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WEEPINGANGEL74 3/3/2014 9:34AM

    I'm stuck in the same spiral so I know exactly what you mean and what you are going through!

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ERIC_ANDREW 3/3/2014 7:28AM

    I can only think of all the times I was slipping and you were bugging me to be more consistent and communicative. Guess you'll be getting some more harassment from me. ;-)

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STEPH-KNEE 3/3/2014 7:07AM

    I have been there too many times to count, and it is a rough and awful feeling. I am glad you have a plan to get things moving back in the right direction again. emoticon emoticon

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SKAHONEY4U 3/2/2014 3:12PM

    It's ok! I have faith that whatever you need to finally kick you back into it will be found before you hit 400 pounds! I'm still struggling from after the holidays, too! I gained eight pounds from like October to January. I got back in January, lost those 8 pounds, and then now I am just bouncing back up and hovering around 250. I know I need to track, but it makes me want to stab myself. Every time my fiance mentions calories in a food, I want to hit him too. I'm hungry all the time, and I hate it. I hate raw vegetables and water. I hate swimming now. And walking. And everything. I try to work out, but something always manages to make it so I only do it like once a week (migraines, a cold, an injury, tired, ect). I feel like an incredible ball of negativity. I weighed in today, and once again the scale had not moved, and i think that was the final straw in my up and down crap. I'm going to track this week and see the difference.

I hope that Zumba is the kick in the butt that you need to get back into it. It's great that you still love it! You aren't alone in the struggle!

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BONOLICIOUS2 3/2/2014 1:08PM

    First of all, you are awesome. Remember that!

Second, we become a whole lot happier when we stop caring what other people think. You're not a failure! Life has its ups and downs for EVERYBODY and if someone was going to be mean to you about yours - they shouldn't be around you much longer!

Overall giving up would be the worst thing you could do. Stumble, trip, do that little awkward wave your arms while doing a half split so you don't fall all of the way on the ground, whatever it takes as long as you are still moving forward!

You have done it, you can do it, you WILL do it! You rock girly!

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HINK2013 3/2/2014 12:45PM

    YOU CAN DO THIS!!! And I totally understand what you mean by being in the shame spiral! But KNOW that no matter what the number on the scale says.... you are a beautiful person!

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Take back YOUR power!!

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

emoticon SPOILER ALERT emoticon IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE BL WINNER, SKIP THIS SECTION!!
I'm not going to say much about this, only that I DID watch the finale, and I am EXTREMELY disappointed with the outcome. Rachael is definitely underweight and unhealthy, and I really hope that she can get help for what I can only guess is an eating disorder. I also hope that the show/trainers will acknowledge this.

But that aside, that really got me thinking. I saw a quote last night that said "Don't exercise and eat healthy because you hate your body, do it because you LOVE your body". That really got me thinking. I am notorious for being abusive to myself. I always talk about how much I hate myself, and how much I hate my body. I self deprecate like no ones business. If I miss a workout, it's "You stupid lazy b*tch, how do you ever expect to lose weight". If I slip up and binge, it's "Well you're pathetic and you screwed up, you're never going to succeed, better eat some more". It's awful, and it's something that I'm really trying to work on. For years I've said "I'm fat, I'm disgusting, I hate myself". But the truth is, I'm NOT fat. I HAVE fat. There is a big difference. I'm Amy, my name is not Fat. Whether I weigh 237 pounds or 137 pounds, the person that is inside will remain the same, only the exterior will show a change.

I, like a lot of people on this journey, am extremely guilty of turning this into a numbers game. I obsess over the scale. I obsess over every weigh in. I obsess over the numbers. I obsess over it all! If I step on the scale and don't see a loss after a week of being perfect, the first thing on my mind is "Great, you screwed up, you fat ass. Why are you even still trying?" emoticon NO! That is NOT okay anymore. I need to think more about the HEALTH aspect of this all. Okay, so maybe I weighed in and didn't lose! But how do I feel (hello inner Dr. Phil)? Do I feel stronger? Do I feel more in control? Does my skin look brighter? SCREW that scale. SCREW the obsession. SCREW the self hatred. It has to end! I have put my body through hell and back, and yet it still carries on! It still stays strong through my repeated weight loss attempts. It stands by while I take off weight (and unfortunately sometimes put it back on, very quickly). It carries me through my workouts. It allows me to continue trying. How can I hate it for that? In reality, I guess I DON'T hate my body. I simply HATE what I've done TO it. My body was just the innocent bystander, I am the one who "destroyed" it. And in the same sense, I am the ONLY one who can fix it again.

TAKE BACK YOUR POWER sparkles. YOU are the one in control of your food. YOU are the one who chooses whether or not you are going to work out each day. YOU are the one who has to choose between eating that bag of chips or saying NO. YOU have the power inside you, but you have to reclaim it!! And THAT is what I am determined to do!! TAKE BACK MY POWER.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHRINKING_SARA 2/11/2014 7:41PM

    emoticon

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YAEME79 2/8/2014 3:15AM

    So happy that u have learned that if u make a mistake learn from it and try again
emoticon

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CARI2012 2/6/2014 10:12AM

    I feel like I need to throw my fist in the air and say, "YEAH!!!! What she said!!!"

Very well put and thought-out. I especially like the part about not BEING fat, but HAVING fat. I should tape that to my mirror or something and make it my new motto.

I hope that this self-pep talk means that you are back with us, back on track, and ready to kick some a$$!

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WHOVIAN3 2/6/2014 9:18AM

    LOVE!!!!! She's back!!!

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BONOLICIOUS2 2/6/2014 9:05AM

    YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (fist pump into the air!)

I don't watch the show, but I did see an article about it yesterday and I did think it was suspicious that nobody was willing to comment on it, none of the trainers would comment and everyone just said "Ask the producers" and she wouldn't outline what she did... and then I checked her weight and height and I was like WOAH - that is awfully low. I mean 105 lbs?!

I think alot of people start these weight loss journeys because they are unhappy with themselves, and that is probably why alot of people fail because the negative cycle gets to be too much. I know my first go-round with spark was more driven by health concerns and wanting to help my body live longer and that had better results than "Ugh, I hate how I look. I hate how I eat. I hate ____"

It is time we take a good hard look at ourselves and be accountable for the right reasons! TAKING BACK MY POWER!



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STEPH-KNEE 2/6/2014 2:06AM

    Such an outstanding blog! You are always learning and growing and that is why you are still here and that is why you will find a way to not only GET to your goal but to STAY there. You are determined and that is why you are so inspiring! :D

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CHODGES83 2/5/2014 10:58PM

    Great blog! It's awesome that you are taking charge and being positive! I believe positivity reaps better benefits. Treat yourself well and you will feel well. Chin up!

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KUJAYHAWKGIRL 2/5/2014 8:32PM

    Wonderful blog and I love your outlook!!!

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COURTNEYBIKINI 2/5/2014 5:16PM

    So true. It was only when I stopped the negative mental tapes that play over in the gym that I actually became committed. I used to think "I suck at running" "I hate being here" and just love the excuse to not even go. But then I changed my tapes. I said, "This is me time" "I deserve this"....things like that. I am still working on the food/fat tapes as you mentioned.

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KCLARK89 2/5/2014 5:05PM

    Fantastic blog!! I've seen that quote too and I absolutely love it! It can be hard sometimes to see past where you started and see how far you've come and celebrate the positives instead of dwelling on the negative. I know for myself there are times that I still see myself as being 30lbs heavier and that I haven't accomplished anything over the last few years, but then I realize that I HAVE and I can do SO much more than I ever thought!

This isn't a one-and-done... it is a lifestyle change and there is no such thing as "perfection" but as long as you are persistent and continue to challenge yourself, you will be successful :)

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NEWLEAF16 2/5/2014 4:03PM

    WOW, just wow! Outstanding message, I wanted to stand up and applaud when I finished reading it. Amazing emoticon

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ARUNNINGKAT 2/5/2014 2:23PM

    You have made some great points and challenged me to look at my own approach to this journey. emoticon

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MAREINA 2/5/2014 2:18PM

    wow! great blog! this really resonates with me! i tend to obsess over the scale too and i'm slowly learning not to! and not to beat yourself up and start fresh everyday so thanks for writing such a great blog about i! you go girl! emoticon

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ELIZABETH5268 2/5/2014 1:51PM

    This is a great blog. I'm so glad you are finding this and that things seem to be positive for you now. You can do anything with this attitude:)

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SUZEMARIE73 2/5/2014 1:43PM

    What a powerful perspective shift. I can to a similar realization this morning actually.
Here's to LOVING our bodies enough to want to change!

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STRONGCOURAGE 2/5/2014 1:14PM

    Love it! :) emoticon

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 2/5/2014 1:14PM

    That used to be me. Was stuck there for years. I've moved on to better feelings and better results.

Weight loss is about one act of self care after another after all....

XOXO

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¨) ♥¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ .♥ (¸.•´ .♥ (¸.•*´¨`* ♥☆¸.•*´¨`*♥☆
;¸.•*´¨
`*♥☆ Spread the Spark!!!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 2/5/2014 12:59PM

    I completely agree with this whole blog! First, Rachel is definitely underweight and looks completely unhealthy. She looked better before she left the ranch. Last nights finally was shocking to say the least. And most importantly, we all need to stop beating ourselves up over our bodies. Yes, we should all strive to be healthy, but at what cost? Again, look at Rachel... This is a fabulous blog Amy. Keep going girl, you should be proud of what you've accomplished. Not just physically, but mentally, you're rising above it all! Way to go!

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TWESTEN1 2/5/2014 12:38PM

    Wow girl - that is an awesome blog. That is the number one thing that has helped me turn my life around... learning to love myself. I've been negative to myself since I was a teenager. It's almost impossible to lose weight when you hate yourself. Anyway, very well spoken!

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RAINA413 2/5/2014 12:20PM

    YES!!! This is an amazing blog! That quote is going on my inspiration board. I think everyone needs to read this because even if you already are doing it because you love your body we all have those days where we don't and it is an awesome wake up call to those who don't and a kick ass reminder for those who do but have days where they slip. Thank you for posting this! It is awesome!!!!

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ERIC_ANDREW 2/5/2014 12:18PM

    Now that is one serious pep talk! I love it.

emoticon emoticon

And now I'm off to turn yet another excessively long comment into a blog post.

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KIKKI-G 2/5/2014 12:08PM

    I've come to this realization too. Sometimes its hard to take control as food has been my addiction for too long but its all about learning how to take back the control to be like those who don't have a problem. You're well on your way & its refreshing when you realize that its not worth beating yourself up about it. We're human with flaws & you are working towards making yourself a better person which takes time & dedication. we've got this!!

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SLIMMERJESSE 2/5/2014 11:49AM

    Great blog.

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GREGGWEISBROD 2/5/2014 11:48AM

    emoticon

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UWPALUM 2/5/2014 11:48AM

    Love your blog. You are right. I know you are right, now I just have to convince myself and implement new attitudes into my life! "It's not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it's what you whisper to yourself that has the most power!" ~Robert Kiyosaki

So true!

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Midnight Memories.

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Well hello again my sparkles..I hope you are all doing better than I have been. Right now I'm doing the typical "It's the first of the month and I need to restart again" thing. The scale has an AWFUL number on it, but I was truthful and updated my tracker..I'm so so so very ashamed.
I don't really even know WHY I've been so grossly offtrack for such a long period of time. It's been since about November, and I've only managed to have ONE consistently on track week since then. ONE week in 3 months, that is just AWFUL. I'm not sure if it's stress, loneliness, or just out of controlness.. probably a mixture of all three, with some added whatevers. And it hasn't even been the kind of binge where I go all day being good and then go crazy at night... it's been from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, I eat bad food. And not in small controlled amounts. I'm talking full bags of chips, whole containers of cookies, entire bags of candy, tons of soda... what the hell? And that's just the snacks, not including meal food! I didn't even eat like this when I was at my highest weight! And this is every. single. damn. DAY! WHAT is happening?!
It's not big secret as to WHY I've gained SO much weight back. I've had to start wearing my fat clothes again, and boy do they look awful. Don't even get me started on how it FEELS to be wearing them again. I'm humiliated! I can only imagine what my friends/co-workers are thinking, especially because they were all complimenting me so much on how wonderful I looked. Well, now I'm a bloated sad sack. My skin is ruddy and I've been breaking out a lot (lack of water and good food is brutal on the skin), I'm a jiggly mess, my joints hurt from gaining so much weight so fast.. my body is pissed at me! But has all that been enough to snap me out of this weird trance that I'm in? APPARENTLY NOT. There's been a lot of days where I'm like "OK I'm gonna restart today!" and then I eat a healthy breakfast, drink water, feel good about it all, and then binge. My brain is a bit out of the logic loop apparently. And it's not like I'm even enjoying it anymore. I'm buying the same foods every day to binge on. It's not even that I'm trying new junk foods or new flavors or anything. Same stupid things, every day! I've given up on trying to figure out why, because I can't find any rhyme or reason. What I can focus on is HOW to turn this around. I very obviously know WHAT to do, it's the matter of actually applying that knowledge and turning the ship around. That seems to be what I'm struggling with.
BUT... after all these months, I still have the desire. It's, like, super duper small and hidden under an avalanche of cookies...but.. it's still there. I might have to fake excitement and motivation for a while, until I can dig my way out of this hole and find my REAL fire. Anything to get there at this point, tired of relapsing. I will say, I thought I felt and looked fat at 178 lbs (the lowest I've gotten to) but MAN, now that I'm back in the 200's, I would KILL to be "178 fat" again. But I'll get back there. And I'll surpass that.
Unfortunately, I'll probably still be pretty high up in weight by my Vegas trip next month. Kind of sad about that, because in pictures, I'll look like a beached whale. Especially next to my beautiful sister swan that I'm going with. But, I'll just try my best to lose what I can before then, and that way, I can at least go with the knowledge that I did my best. Then after that will be the move to California, and I'll start running when I get there, since there will be lots of outdoor space. And I promise, I'll post pictures of the house after it's done being renovated (it's pretty terrible looking right now!).

Lets start February strong, and send good vibes my way!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARUNNINGKAT 2/5/2014 2:27PM

    I can relate some. I haven't really gained anything, but I am so lacking focus and the excitement that I used to have for getting a great workout in or eating healthy food. I am also in the "fake it til you make it stage" and hoping everything falls into place here very soon.

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ANNABELLISABEL 2/5/2014 12:37PM

    Let me just tell you, you are the only one who sees "beached whale" right now. You are successful, you will be a lower weight next month but you have had so much going on, it only makes sense that there was a slip, we're only human. I hope this move is really great for you, renovating before and after pictures are almost as fun as weight loss before and after, can't wait to see! :)

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NEWLEAF16 2/4/2014 11:42PM

    emoticon Oh I can relate so so so much! It is like you are quoting the exact things that have been going through my head from Sept - Jan. And many many times before that. I know how hard it is, and I am just beginning to start over myself. It was the new year, and a biggest loser contest here on spark people that go my motivation to start nudging a little bit again. You will find what will nudge yours. At least the desire is still there and you will turn it around.

if you find any resources on binging I would love to find out more. To date it remains a frustrating mystery to me and every time I get back on track I am just terrified of it happening again.

I am sending many good vibes your way - hoping for all the best for you!!!!!

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STRONGCOURAGE 2/4/2014 8:15PM

    Oh gosh, reading this, is reading like where I was almost a year ago--back in March 2013 when my struggle was fierce with binge eating--it dominated me though ...It makes my heart ache as I can almost relive it as I read your words. emoticon Every time I have a "little" binge it scares me---of going back. I hear the frustration of where you are at, the shame (esp after losing weight---I had that too--of getting down and then going back up and beyond!!!) Binge Eating is a hard complicated mess that I never wish I would've resorted to....but it is in my life and so I have to face this beast! I remember the frustration, and days and days, of waking up and the first thing on my mind...was "what am I going to eat today?"---How crazy/obsessive is that? What jolted me out...2 things I got to a # on the scale that just totally freaked me out, and I suddenly started to be alerted (physical symptoms) that my health was not NEAR what it should be for a woman still in her 20's! I was suddenly scared for my life and for the first time in my life, I was actually scared to even exercise *because* I was SO fat, I was afraid I might have a heart attack or something. BUT, thats why I chose the name STRONG COURAGE. It took a LOT of courage and strength to start....and I knew I was gonna need it to keep on too! (but I didn't focus on that part, heck, I just needed to get REAL with myself!) I didn't focus so much on stopping bingeing. I just started doing little healthy things. The first I think was walking-it was one healthy choice. Slowly as I focused on one healthy change, (ONE by one), the binge episodes grew less frequent and not so big. Sure, I still had them. And I still have "small" ones today---but they mimic the same emotions/behavior so I know they are a binge--that gives me a heads up! Anyways, You are doing something good right here--by blogging. Just putting it at where you are at. This is where you are. And you are reaching out.... That is a step in the right direction. Its not about huge steps. It takes time. And who cares, what the heck, all those people think of where you are at--they either should deal with their own stuff or show they genuinely care about you.....My brother told me this yesterday, which I hope is helpful to you... He said, " You give power to others because you fear them." (Ya, he was speaking to me! I'm still a learning!) So girl. Grab BACK your power...from others, from yourself--fight for it. You are worth it. You are so worth loving. If anything you hear from my long speel :P...hear...this... *You*, sparkfriend, are SO worth *loving*. Don't give up. emoticon


Comment edited on: 2/4/2014 8:18:30 PM

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ERIC_ANDREW 2/4/2014 3:40PM

    I was writing a pretty long comment but then realized that it should probably be a blog post of my own. It also probably had more to do with me than you, and that kind of misses the point of the comments section!

Long story short, you are a victim of the stimuli around you. I know fully well that when you're going through a binge, you aren't happier. You start eating when you're not hungry to try to satisfy yourself in some other way, yet it never really works. Also, I know fully well that when you visualize your "ultimate" self, that binging is never, ever a part of that vision. I think you said it best when you said you're not deriving any enjoyment, not even caring about what it is you're actually eating, you're just going through the motions. I notice that when I'm doing this, my self-esteem is typically pretty low. Why on earth would we put ourselves through that if we're feeling great about ourselves?

Unfortunately, you're going to have to go through that process again of learning to LOVE what you were doing when things were going swimmingly. Fortunately, you've done it successfully so recently that it won't take nearly as long ONCE YOU ACTUALLY GET GOING...but for awhile, it's just going to be kind of painful. But you know how good you felt, you know what it did to your self-confidence, and you know that all that healthy crap helped to put that glow back in your skin. You will attain it again, but first you have to catch up a little bit. It's like studying last minute for an exam when you probably should have been more consistent all quarter. You can still do it and be successful, but it's going to be kind of tough. Once you get over it, though, you will persevere.

You've honestly already bucked one bad trend with dieting - you didn't fall all the way back to the beginning, let alone gain everything back and then some. Therefore, you're already doing better than most people who try. This will just end up being a bump in the road when you're looking back...a few short months in an extraordinary journey.

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SHRINKING_SARA 2/3/2014 11:52PM

    Ugh, I'm "200s" fat again too. I'm 23# higher than my lowest. That HUUURTS. Fat pants suck. I have 2 pairs of work pants that fit. The other two just sit in my closet and laugh. I am just waiting for the day where I can shove my 180# skinny ass back in them! Then I'll throw a party and use it as an excuse to go to Vegas ;-) emoticon

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TERRIEHICKS 2/3/2014 10:30PM

    Make small changes that will build momentum and make you feel good about yourself. We all slip and fall but the most important part is that we dust our selves off and get back up again. You are not giving up and you are blogging about it so that is something you should be so proud of. I know you can do it! Think about positive things in your life and focus on those. Our minds will believe the negative thoughts we tell it so replace those with positive ones! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BONOLICIOUS2 2/3/2014 2:50PM

    Sometimes we go through ups and downs. Sometimes it takes hitting bottom or sliding backwards before we realize "Oh wait, this isn't what I like! This doesn't make me feel good!" I think winter also makes it hard because it doesn't provide a good environment for motivation. It is dark, cold, dreary. Blah.

And it is kind of crazy because you've been there, done things right, how did this happen? Funny thing is - it DOES happen. But what matters in the end is what you choose to do. Give up and feel yucky, or dig deep for those sparks again.

Sounds like you have some changes lining up, which always puts stress on your lifestyle, but hopefully they will result in POSITIVE energy flowing back into your life. You deserve the best, don't forget that! And also remember - you gotta put good in to get good out. Next time you feel yucky, try to give yourself a dose of something GOOD to make yourself feel better!

You got this girl! We're all here cheering you on!!!!!!!

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CHODGES83 2/3/2014 1:34PM

    Always sending good vibes your way! I know you can stop the shame cycle and do the things that make you FEEL good. Remember that you deserve to feel good about yourself and that you have the power to make changes. You've made so many changes already! You are strong and you can do this!

PS I am such a teeny bopper nerd that your blog title made me sing a One Direction song
#adolescentinthehouseprobs

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UWPALUM 2/3/2014 10:58AM

    I'm right there with you. The last three months, I haven't even seen a full week of being good I don't think. But I haven't given up. And yes, I'm sad about the number on the scale and how my clothes are fitting, but I haven't given up. And neither have you. And remember that the words you say to and about yourself are the ones that really matter. You will look fine in the pictures from your upcoming trip. You'll look like you are having a great time with your sister. Don't worry about the number, but focus on moving forward. You can do this! You have overcome so much, keep it up!

Karissa

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YAEME79 2/2/2014 12:24AM

    At least you know where you went wrong; some of us just have to go through that experience to finally make a real change. My Dr. kept telling me I was pre diabetic and needed to change my ways. I would do good for a couple of weeks and go right back to the bad stuff. Well a few months ago they said I was diabetic; my #s were real high and my cholesterol was off the charts. So I have finally been doing better! We will get it right and be sexified in no time!

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JRICHART 2/1/2014 4:25PM

    Don't beat yourself up. It will happen again and you will feel great again. Just keep the desire going and keep trying. It's a process and we are all going through it together.

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NETGYRL 2/1/2014 3:08PM

    I feel you. I went off the rails for a year and gained back almost all I had lost after swearing I would NEVER do that. Ugh. But i am back again. Resetting my weight tracker was the WORST. We can't change the past however we do have complete control over what we do right now. Just dont give up and keep Sparking! We are all here for each other.
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Comment edited on: 2/1/2014 3:08:55 PM

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RAINA413 2/1/2014 1:23PM

    We have all been there. Trust me, I completely understand what you are going through. The difference this time around, however, is that you have US! We are here to support you and help you through this without any judgement.

That said, I have to make mention of _JULEE_'s post. I also had some pretty serious vitamin and mineral deficiencies which can cause all sorts of cravings since your body is trying to tell you what it needs. And as she mentioned, I also found that many of the foods that contain a LOT of corn syrup actually cause the body to LOSE more vitamins and minerals, exacerbating the deficiencies. Your vitamin and mineral deficient body is just blasting through food to 'find' what it needs which only causes more and more cravings and doesn't stop til something it really NEEDS gets in there! My suggestion, talk to your doctor, but also start yourself off on a good multivitamin, but take it at night before bed so you don't flush most of it out with all the water we sparkers drink. Give it time to absorb. I hope this helps! http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource
/videos-detail.asp?video=14

Comment edited on: 2/1/2014 1:32:38 PM

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_JULEE_ 2/1/2014 1:13PM

    OK, I used to do this very same thing. I believed it was ALL emotional eating and that I had an uncontrollable problem.

What I discovered about myself (and no, it doesn't mean that every craving is because of a deficiency) was that I had some pretty serious vitamin and mineral deficiencies! (FYI, foods that contain a LOT of corn syrup actually cause the body to LOSE more vitamins and minerals, exacerbating the deficiency(ies).) The deficient body is just blasting through food to 'find' something it needs. It craves, craves, craves and eats, eats, eats and doesn't stop til something it really NEEDS gets in there!

I wish you well.


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WHOVIAN3 2/1/2014 12:29PM

    I can totally understand what you are saying!!! I was there from July till about a few wks ago! I just found my motivation,I was in pain with my back. I have not done so well this week,but i am not giving up! It is so hard to get back on track! Its like you want to,but something is stronger than the want,and you can not start until that something is gone!! Just think if you start now,and continue the effort,where will you be next yr at this time? If you do not start,How will you be in a yr from now? This is what I am telling myself,and for now it is working. I am so out of shape though that I can get discoraged pretty fast! But I want to keep trying.

Find your motivation,what ever it is that will inspire you or get you going and cling to it!! Sending you tons of good vibes!!! If you need to talk feel free to send me a message : ) Good luck
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SLIMMERJESSE 2/1/2014 12:25PM

    Yes, these times happen. But we get back on track and eventually get to goal. You will too.

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Take a risk, take a chance, make a change.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Happy middle of the week Sparkies!
I'm still not completely on track, but I've made progress. I cut soda back out, I'm trying to have a bit more control with food, and I'm working out again. Eventually it will all click into place again. Now without further ado...

So right now, I'm kind of stuck in a rut. It appears that my craphead husband has stopped the child support that he was sending me. As a result, I can't pay my rent. I'm making just above minimum wage, and not getting very many hours. I'm definitely not staying afloat, most of my expenses unfortunately fall upon my parents. This year, my daughter is supposed to be starting school. I have no one here in town to help me out with getting her to school/picking her up so that I can continue to work all the hours I can. SO... The other day after pretty much breaking down and sobbing and realizing that I hate the way my life is going.. I decided to take really big risks and make really life altering decisions. I've decided that the best thing right now will be to move to California to live by my parents. My dad is working on getting me a job at the casino he works at, which will be 40/hrs a week guaranteed, with a higher pay than I'm getting now, awesome vacation, and benefits. I'll have to work my tail off since casinos are generally tribal preferenced, but I've always been a hard worker, and I'm willing to do it. My mom will be able to babysit my daughter for me, and when she starts school, she will be there to bring her and pick her up when it's needed. I'll be paying her a little bit, but not nearly what I pay for babysitting right now. Rent will be cheaper, although it will be a very small place that I'll be living in. But the way I see it, I need to suck it up for the time being. If living in a small place helps me save up money to buy a bigger place, then that's what I will do. I'm seeing this as an opportunity to do a complete overhaul on everything, and start from scratch. They live in a sort of park community, with tons of outdoor areas to walk. I'll be able to start trying to run like I've been wanting to. There's pools to swim in, places to explore and hike..it's about an hours drive away from the beach.. I'll be closer to places like San Diego zoo and even Disneyland. Obviously it won't be things I can do all the time, but there's a lot more adventures to find there than there is here. I'm terrified, as well as really sad about leaving the few friends that I have here. But on the other hand, this is the opportunity that I need to get my feet firmly planted on the ground, and rebuild my life. I'm hoping to be able to find my ex to get divorced and get child support, because that money will definitely help me get started and stay afloat. If not, it's going to be double the struggle for me. But, I will do what I have to do. It will be rough at first, but in the long run, it will pay off. And when times get hard, and I get depressed about not knowing many people there, I'll have to remember that. The Kelly Clarkson song "Breakaway" accurately describes how I feel about it all right now.
On that note, are there any California sparklers out there?
Also, if anyone has any "starting over" tips, strategies, or ways to help start saving money, I'm all ears!

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIKKI-G 1/20/2014 11:13AM

    You're well on your way, I definitely think this is a great choice & you will meet so many new people so don't even worry. You're making amazing choices for your little fam & it seems like also so many opportunities to keep active & keep the new you going.
We're all rooting for ya!!!

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NOTGVGUP83 1/20/2014 10:38AM

    This sounds like a great opportunity for you and your daughter. I hope you find that lousy ex of yours, divorce his butt and get him to man up and pay child support. You are a very strong woman and you will do great things in Cali! Keep your head up. Glad your parents will be aroung to support you. You'll be in a better place in no ti me. So proud of you! #mommypower!!

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SHRINKING_SARA 1/20/2014 10:38AM

    As someone living with their parents to save money (since I also can't pay my bills) = I completely understand. It may feel like you are failing, but you aren't. You are being smart.

Think of that cute little girl! Now she gets to grow up in sunshine with her grandparents and you to take care of her! No more crappy annoying babysitters who try to make you feel bad!

Plus more vitamin D for you! No more Target temptations! Sunshine and better weather! I'm seeing this as all plus, plus, plus! Also depending on where you work in the casino, drunk people tip better, but old people that go to the casino tip like crap… ;-)

Plus casinos have healthy food options (giant salad bars with fruit). See this as an opportunity to get away from all of the negativity that's been dragging you down at your place now.

Comment edited on: 1/20/2014 10:38:52 AM

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CHODGES83 1/18/2014 6:01PM

    Sounds like a lot of great changes coming your way! Head up, stay positive! We're here for you!

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TIME4ME2014 1/17/2014 8:12PM

    You've made an incredibly brave decision!!! I hope the best for you and your family!

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NEWLEAF16 1/17/2014 4:22PM

    Wow, you are so brave to make such a big change! But I know you have the determination and drive to make it a huge success! Sounds like the long term benefits will make it worth while. All the best to you!!! emoticon

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LOVINGLIFE43 1/17/2014 4:19PM

    You have a very positive attitude so you will come out on top. My advice would be to take it one day at a time. You should also web search support groups in the area you are moving to. You would be surprised by the number of resources available to help you transition.
Good luck!

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UWPALUM 1/17/2014 3:03PM

    I'm so inspired by you! I've packed up and started over a few times around the country, but not with quite as many responsibilities as you have. You can absolutely do this! And I know you'll get settled in California, get everything in place and things will start looking up. And until you find your support group in your new home state, you'll always have the Spark site for support and encouragement!

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WHOVIAN3 1/17/2014 2:13PM

    This sounds like a good change for you!! And believe me I have had my share of finance problems! It was bringing me down so bad,and I would just stuff my face,cuz it was the only thing I could control! I had such a bad debt over ratio,I ended up filing bankruptcy,it was for me the best thing I ever did!! I had to hear rude comments from some family and such about it,but I was charging to survive,i charged groceries and gas! sad!!! I never went out on trips or bought fancy things,I have not been on a vaca in about 8 yrs! So I feel for me it was a wonderful choice and it helped me so much. I am not saying you need to do this,looks like you have a great plan and support system,we all do what we have to do! Glad you are back at it,I am trying...my lower back has been really hurting the past few days,so im just doing stretches and some yoga now.

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THELILEA 1/17/2014 2:09PM

    This seems like a really smart decision!! Congrats on making the big decision, I know you'll do well! Also, I was just telling someone yesterday about how I basically spent the majority of my afterschools with my grandparents growing up, and what a resource and positive relationship building experience that was. I know your daughter will flourish from having that. Good luck!!

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FITBECKSRN24 1/17/2014 1:53PM

    Change is never easy!! But it sounds like you're headed in the right direction. I wish you all the best of luck!


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ARUNNINGKAT 1/17/2014 1:39PM

    I admire your ability to take a look at your situation, know where you want to end up and make the hard decisions to get there. I know this is going to a hard step, but it sounds like it will work out very well for both you and your daughter! I am here for you! Cheering you on along the way! emoticon

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CARI2012 1/17/2014 12:41PM

    You are, as always, inspirational. I hope your daughter grows up to understand just what a Superhero you are, even if she can never grasp the momentous sacrifices you make for her without hesitation. A fresh start will be good for both of you, I'm sure.

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ELIZABETH5268 1/17/2014 11:59AM

    That sounds like a great opportunity for you and your daughter! SEnding good thoughts your way:)

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ERIC_ANDREW 1/17/2014 11:21AM

    Where in California are your parents? Sounds like somewhere in the south but figured I'd ask. I got my running bug when I was living in San Diego for a short while.

It really sounds like you have a solid plan. I do have to admit to being very, very curious when you mentioned there was a big change coming. I'm glad to see that you've put an awful lot of thought into this.

Every state has different divorce laws, but I agree about seeking out something along the lines of abandonment. Often a divorce can be granted without the spouse's signature if they at least are notified. I know that's a challenge without knowing where he is.

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JRICHART 1/17/2014 11:12AM

    Good luck and you'll always have us SparkFriends no matter where you are!

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IAMZBEE 1/17/2014 9:59AM

    Definitely sounds like a difficult situation, but so many great opportunities ahead! Just like you made friends in Arizona, you'll make friends in California. You're a warrior! I know you'll succeed!! emoticon

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ASHESS85 1/17/2014 9:45AM

    Hard decision you had to make there but it really does make sense. Sounds like a fresh start is what you need and I'm so happy your parents are willing to help you out. I wish you all of the luck in the world! emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/17/2014 9:45:54 AM

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BITSNPIECES38 1/17/2014 9:44AM

    Wow. No wonder you've been struggling to stay on your plan lately! This is a lot of stress. I really hope that now you've made the decision, it will really help you turn the tide. When I've had a hard decision to make, the pondering stage is always the most stressful, though I don't normally recognize that until I make a decision and then suddenly, even with all of the unknown looming ahead of me, I feel a certain amount of relief. Like, DIRECTION, FINALLY!! And then my mind turns to preparations and planning and even a little excitement. There's still stress, but it's a better stress.

Your reasoning is very sound and I wish you and your daughter the very best.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 1/17/2014 8:26AM

    That's a HUGE step starting over, but you have a fantastic attitude about all of it. It will be hard, but you can do it!

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NIMIRRA137 1/17/2014 8:14AM

    Wow! Good for you. I'm sorry that it's so rough and you have to make this change, but sometimes change is the absolute best thing that we need. It's scary and a big risk, but count yourself lucky that you have your parents to help you out and support you.

Good luck and I hope you finally find you awful ex and are able to divorce him and get child support.

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TWESTEN1 1/17/2014 7:57AM

    wow - congrats on taking the risk and deciding to make a huge change. Sounds like it will be great for you & your daughter. I'm sure she'll enjoy the benefit of being close to grandparents! You stay strong & you'll do well. You're capable of so much and this sounds like it can be the start of something great in your life.

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STEPH-KNEE 1/17/2014 5:46AM

    I am excited for you and such a huge change! Plus super excited that your daughter will get to spend time with her grandparents! I have been to a few of those casinos, and it sounds like it will be a great and very stable job! emoticon

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HANOEMZ 1/17/2014 1:59AM

    From the sound of it your making the right choice for you and your little baby i know from experience starting over can be hard but with your parents there its while be alot easier and I'm sure ull make new friends who knows maybe even more

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WEEPINGANGEL74 1/17/2014 1:31AM

    Perhaps you can get a divorce based on abandonment so you don't have to track down the deadbeat. You are strong as others have said and change is good. This might justbe the cchange you need to jumpstart your weightloss. Sounds like being near your family is a logical and smart choice, we all need a support system and it sounds like your parents are a great one!

I'm in northern California....love where I am but would be great to be near Disney and SD Zoo! Great places for walking and having fun maybe as rewards for hitting some goals.....

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RAINA413 1/17/2014 12:07AM

    Change is never easy, however, your plans sound smart and well thought out so I believe you will eventually come out on top. I know you will get back on your feet again and hopefully your family that they will be able to help you through it.

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ANNABELLISABEL 1/16/2014 10:56PM

    It sure sounds like you're making the best choices for your big picture. I hope you have an easy transition in your move.

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YAEME79 1/16/2014 10:39PM

    Your plans sound excellent; I know how you feel and have been going through similar stuff. I had to move closer to my family after my divorce also. I really did not want to move back to Indiana from Alaska, but after a year of trying to make it on my own I gave in. I will get back on my own feet again and so will you. We are both very lucky to have family to help us out

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EMMACORY 1/16/2014 10:18PM

    Change is never easy yet as you say nothing changes without some risk. I think your plan is a good one. I will keep you in my prayers that it all works out. How great for your daughter to get to know her grandparents better. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLIMMERJESSE 1/16/2014 10:18PM

    Sounds like you'll be near me in San Diego. Wishing you the best with your move.

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JADED_CHICK19 1/16/2014 10:16PM

    I'm so so proud of you for taking a big risk and leaving what you know to make a better life for you and E. I know it's going to be hard at first and it's going to take some getting used to but you are one of the strongest women I know and if anyone can do this you can. Besides, I will be here for you every step of the way even though I live miles and miles away. You're my bestest friend and my sister and I'm so excited and proud of you. :D

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JILLIANISREADY 1/16/2014 10:15PM

    I'm sorry for the way things are going right now. But I think with this move .. it's just what you need. A CHANGE. sometimes a change is all somebody needs to start fresh.

Keep us all posted :)

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