Sunday, March 02, 2014
Ah yes, the old shame spiral. We all know it. It's that cycle that starts when you slip up and gain a few pounds back. You get angry, and instead of working to reverse the negative, you keep adding to it. You eat more, and workout less. Is it a punishment to yourself? In my case it is. Instead of reaching out for help, you lock it away in your shame box, and continue to pack on the pounds. You don't go back to classes, because you don't want everyone to see the weight you've put back on. You avoid all weight loss talk, because you don't want to admit how bad you've slipped (even though it's visually obvious). And so you continue to be depressed. Continue to pack in the food until you can't even breathe. And then you cry, because none of your clothes fit anymore. You pull out your fat clothes again, and cry at how uncomfortably they fit. You cry over how you look. You cry over how you feel. And STILL, instead of asking for help, you continue to hide it. You continue to eat. WHY? I don't know, I wish I did.
I lost my way during the holiday season. And I know I'm not the only one, a lot of people did. The difference between them and me, is that I'm STILL wandering blindly. I eat and eat and eat until I can't breathe and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't exercise, because months of bad food have made me feel so sluggish that I don't want to do anything but sleep or sit on the couch. I've gained about 30ish pounds back since October. May not seem like much, but it's about half of what I had lost. I know it's visually obvious. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel special (I feel special when I'm losing weight. Weight lossers really are a special and elite group, because it's such a hard thing to accomplish in my eyes). I feel like nothing but an enormous failure. It's not a fun feeling. It's a miserable one! I've tried to take steps to get back on track. But being this far off the wagon makes everything feel impossible. There was a time where I was BLAST through my workouts, and LOVE it. I would feel INCREDIBLE and couldn't wait to do it the next day again. Now? The thought of even putting out my workout clothes is horrific. Especially because they definitely show how far I've backtracked. Everything seems unattainable, even the simplest task (like not drinking soda).
But, the fight is STILL not over for me. There's been a couple times these past few months where I think "I guess this is over, I guess I'll just continue to gain weight until I tip the scales at 400 pounds and everyone points and laughs at me". But I know in the back of my mind, that won't happen. I wouldn't let it. Because even at this point, with as much progress as I've lost, I still haven't given up. I may be failing consistently with getting back on track, but yet I'm still trying. This is my last month in Tucson, so tomorrow, I plan to go back to Zumba. I know it will only be for a month, but I know that Zumba saved my life once already. And I bet that it can do it again. If I can force myself to do a month full of Zumba (initially a force, to get myself moving. I LOVE Zumba), as well as work on my food, I think that I can get back on track. Zumba was what really made me love working out in general, and I think that if I can get that feeling back in my heart and in my mind, then I will remember the rush I get from being healthy. It's going to take time (and probably a bit of stumbling), but even after all this time, I STILL refuse to give up.
I'm sorry to everyone that I've blown off or ignored. I didn't do it to be mean. I did it because when I feel ashamed, I hide from everyone. If any of you are still willing to support me, and haven't given up on me, I would definitely appreciate the love.
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
SPOILER ALERT IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE BL WINNER, SKIP THIS SECTION!!
I'm not going to say much about this, only that I DID watch the finale, and I am EXTREMELY disappointed with the outcome. Rachael is definitely underweight and unhealthy, and I really hope that she can get help for what I can only guess is an eating disorder. I also hope that the show/trainers will acknowledge this.
But that aside, that really got me thinking. I saw a quote last night that said "Don't exercise and eat healthy because you hate your body, do it because you LOVE your body". That really got me thinking. I am notorious for being abusive to myself. I always talk about how much I hate myself, and how much I hate my body. I self deprecate like no ones business. If I miss a workout, it's "You stupid lazy b*tch, how do you ever expect to lose weight". If I slip up and binge, it's "Well you're pathetic and you screwed up, you're never going to succeed, better eat some more". It's awful, and it's something that I'm really trying to work on. For years I've said "I'm fat, I'm disgusting, I hate myself". But the truth is, I'm NOT fat. I HAVE fat. There is a big difference. I'm Amy, my name is not Fat. Whether I weigh 237 pounds or 137 pounds, the person that is inside will remain the same, only the exterior will show a change.
I, like a lot of people on this journey, am extremely guilty of turning this into a numbers game. I obsess over the scale. I obsess over every weigh in. I obsess over the numbers. I obsess over it all! If I step on the scale and don't see a loss after a week of being perfect, the first thing on my mind is "Great, you screwed up, you fat ass. Why are you even still trying?" NO! That is NOT okay anymore. I need to think more about the HEALTH aspect of this all. Okay, so maybe I weighed in and didn't lose! But how do I feel (hello inner Dr. Phil)? Do I feel stronger? Do I feel more in control? Does my skin look brighter? SCREW that scale. SCREW the obsession. SCREW the self hatred. It has to end! I have put my body through hell and back, and yet it still carries on! It still stays strong through my repeated weight loss attempts. It stands by while I take off weight (and unfortunately sometimes put it back on, very quickly). It carries me through my workouts. It allows me to continue trying. How can I hate it for that? In reality, I guess I DON'T hate my body. I simply HATE what I've done TO it. My body was just the innocent bystander, I am the one who "destroyed" it. And in the same sense, I am the ONLY one who can fix it again.
TAKE BACK YOUR POWER sparkles. YOU are the one in control of your food. YOU are the one who chooses whether or not you are going to work out each day. YOU are the one who has to choose between eating that bag of chips or saying NO. YOU have the power inside you, but you have to reclaim it!! And THAT is what I am determined to do!! TAKE BACK MY POWER.
Saturday, February 01, 2014
Well hello again my sparkles..I hope you are all doing better than I have been. Right now I'm doing the typical "It's the first of the month and I need to restart again" thing. The scale has an AWFUL number on it, but I was truthful and updated my tracker..I'm so so so very ashamed.
I don't really even know WHY I've been so grossly offtrack for such a long period of time. It's been since about November, and I've only managed to have ONE consistently on track week since then. ONE week in 3 months, that is just AWFUL. I'm not sure if it's stress, loneliness, or just out of controlness.. probably a mixture of all three, with some added whatevers. And it hasn't even been the kind of binge where I go all day being good and then go crazy at night... it's been from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, I eat bad food. And not in small controlled amounts. I'm talking full bags of chips, whole containers of cookies, entire bags of candy, tons of soda... what the hell? And that's just the snacks, not including meal food! I didn't even eat like this when I was at my highest weight! And this is every. single. damn. DAY! WHAT is happening?!
It's not big secret as to WHY I've gained SO much weight back. I've had to start wearing my fat clothes again, and boy do they look awful. Don't even get me started on how it FEELS to be wearing them again. I'm humiliated! I can only imagine what my friends/co-workers are thinking, especially because they were all complimenting me so much on how wonderful I looked. Well, now I'm a bloated sad sack. My skin is ruddy and I've been breaking out a lot (lack of water and good food is brutal on the skin), I'm a jiggly mess, my joints hurt from gaining so much weight so fast.. my body is pissed at me! But has all that been enough to snap me out of this weird trance that I'm in? APPARENTLY NOT. There's been a lot of days where I'm like "OK I'm gonna restart today!" and then I eat a healthy breakfast, drink water, feel good about it all, and then binge. My brain is a bit out of the logic loop apparently. And it's not like I'm even enjoying it anymore. I'm buying the same foods every day to binge on. It's not even that I'm trying new junk foods or new flavors or anything. Same stupid things, every day! I've given up on trying to figure out why, because I can't find any rhyme or reason. What I can focus on is HOW to turn this around. I very obviously know WHAT to do, it's the matter of actually applying that knowledge and turning the ship around. That seems to be what I'm struggling with.
BUT... after all these months, I still have the desire. It's, like, super duper small and hidden under an avalanche of cookies...but.. it's still there. I might have to fake excitement and motivation for a while, until I can dig my way out of this hole and find my REAL fire. Anything to get there at this point, tired of relapsing. I will say, I thought I felt and looked fat at 178 lbs (the lowest I've gotten to) but MAN, now that I'm back in the 200's, I would KILL to be "178 fat" again. But I'll get back there. And I'll surpass that.
Unfortunately, I'll probably still be pretty high up in weight by my Vegas trip next month. Kind of sad about that, because in pictures, I'll look like a beached whale. Especially next to my beautiful sister swan that I'm going with. But, I'll just try my best to lose what I can before then, and that way, I can at least go with the knowledge that I did my best. Then after that will be the move to California, and I'll start running when I get there, since there will be lots of outdoor space. And I promise, I'll post pictures of the house after it's done being renovated (it's pretty terrible looking right now!).
Lets start February strong, and send good vibes my way!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Happy middle of the week Sparkies!
I'm still not completely on track, but I've made progress. I cut soda back out, I'm trying to have a bit more control with food, and I'm working out again. Eventually it will all click into place again. Now without further ado...
So right now, I'm kind of stuck in a rut. It appears that my craphead husband has stopped the child support that he was sending me. As a result, I can't pay my rent. I'm making just above minimum wage, and not getting very many hours. I'm definitely not staying afloat, most of my expenses unfortunately fall upon my parents. This year, my daughter is supposed to be starting school. I have no one here in town to help me out with getting her to school/picking her up so that I can continue to work all the hours I can. SO... The other day after pretty much breaking down and sobbing and realizing that I hate the way my life is going.. I decided to take really big risks and make really life altering decisions. I've decided that the best thing right now will be to move to California to live by my parents. My dad is working on getting me a job at the casino he works at, which will be 40/hrs a week guaranteed, with a higher pay than I'm getting now, awesome vacation, and benefits. I'll have to work my tail off since casinos are generally tribal preferenced, but I've always been a hard worker, and I'm willing to do it. My mom will be able to babysit my daughter for me, and when she starts school, she will be there to bring her and pick her up when it's needed. I'll be paying her a little bit, but not nearly what I pay for babysitting right now. Rent will be cheaper, although it will be a very small place that I'll be living in. But the way I see it, I need to suck it up for the time being. If living in a small place helps me save up money to buy a bigger place, then that's what I will do. I'm seeing this as an opportunity to do a complete overhaul on everything, and start from scratch. They live in a sort of park community, with tons of outdoor areas to walk. I'll be able to start trying to run like I've been wanting to. There's pools to swim in, places to explore and hike..it's about an hours drive away from the beach.. I'll be closer to places like San Diego zoo and even Disneyland. Obviously it won't be things I can do all the time, but there's a lot more adventures to find there than there is here. I'm terrified, as well as really sad about leaving the few friends that I have here. But on the other hand, this is the opportunity that I need to get my feet firmly planted on the ground, and rebuild my life. I'm hoping to be able to find my ex to get divorced and get child support, because that money will definitely help me get started and stay afloat. If not, it's going to be double the struggle for me. But, I will do what I have to do. It will be rough at first, but in the long run, it will pay off. And when times get hard, and I get depressed about not knowing many people there, I'll have to remember that. The Kelly Clarkson song "Breakaway" accurately describes how I feel about it all right now.
On that note, are there any California sparklers out there?
Also, if anyone has any "starting over" tips, strategies, or ways to help start saving money, I'm all ears!
Hope everyone has a great rest of the week!
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
What in the blue hell is wrong with me!? I can't seem to get it together!
Monday, I hit the reset button again. I didn't exercise, but I ate perfect. Yesterday, I exercised, ate mostly perfect, but then had a big binge after I got off work. It's like every shred of self control I have is gone! And it's not even like I'm getting different food every time I binge, I generally tend to get the same things. Why do I continue to binge on these same foods several times a week? I know for a lot of people, it's as simple as "just don't buy it". But seeing as I work in a store that has a grocery section, it's way too easy to buy it. And I have a very hard time saying no. My brain can always reason it's way into it. Yesterday it was "well you did a great workout this morning, and you were good all day, you can binge it's okay." It's sickening that I listen to that voice, and follow through. I'm at 195 pounds, which is 18 pounds up from my lowest that I hit in November. That fact really hurts me, and yet, it's still not making me stay on track. I definitely know it's noticeable, to myself and everyone else. It's very shameful. You would think that all these things would shake me out of this fog, but nothing is working. I still have the desire to lose weight, because I definitely want to hit my goal weight this year, and I hate how awful putting 18 pounds back on has made me feel. So why can't i get my head back in the game? I'm so terrified that I'll never be able to get back into my routine.. And that I truly will be fat forever. I'm not giving up, not by any means. Every day after a binge, I wake up, get up, and start trying to be good again. And I will continue to keep doing that.. All I hope is that eventually it will click again and I will slip back into that weight loss routine.. Because all I know right now, is that I am completely and utterly miserable.
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