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Caught in a trap...

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I can't walk out!

Hello ssparkles... long time no talk! I apologize in advance for spelli any mistakes, I'm typing this on my lovely touchscreen phone, and as we all know, touchscreen can play havoc on words.

Anyway, I'm struggling (I know, big shocker).. I should actually be asleep right now since I have to get up early for work, but my mind is just racing right now, so sleep isn't really happening.

So those of you that have been around long enough to really know me, know that I lost almost 60 lbs last year, purely through healthy eating, portion control, treats in moderation, and exercise. Unfortunately, most of you also know that I gained a little over half of it back, and I'm still hanging on to that gain. At the beginning of this year, when I still worked at Target, I was introduced to Herbalife by a girl that I worked with. I bought quite a bit of it, and have been trying to do it off and on for months now. The longest stretch of time that I've managed to stay on track was 14 days. I know what you're all thinking, that I bought into the typical "fast fix" idea. I'm not stupid, I know that there is no such thing as a fast fix to a life long problem.. but for some reason, even though drinking shakes for 2 of my meals a day is SO easy, I can't seem to stick with it. I don't know if it's that I miss actually EATING and CHEWING food, or if I just feel too much pressure to adhere to the program... I'm not sure what it is. But I just cannot seem to keep my head in the game. I fall off the Wagon for weeks at a time before getting back on. Not healthy in the slightest. I feel like crap most of the time because I'm jerking my body so violently between being super healthy and being super gluttonous. I know that although the healthy eating + exercise way is harder, takes longer, and sometimes is a lot more time consuming, it works. I know from experiwnce. I think a lot of my problem is fear.. I'm afraid to lose a lot of weight again, because whose to say I won't screw up and gain it all back plus more again? Negative thinking is my biggest downfall. It's also the hardest thing to work on...

I know this isn't even a very coherent sounding blog. It's mostly a jumbled mess that was in my head and had to come out.. I guess I'm looking for some affirmation or even all your thoughts on this.. or even maybe ideas of how to stop being afraid and start believing in myself again.. even the thought of exercise is terrifying, and I used to be a freaking machine. It's sad, really, how far I've retreated into my dark and obese days.

I'm also sorry I haven't been around much.. not having Internet at my house is taking a huge toll on my ability to get online all the time. Stupid limited phone data and whatnot. Hopefully there's still some of you out there who believe in me, and are willing to support me. I miss you all!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TENS_GIRL75 6/19/2014 11:47PM

    I keep coming back to Spark to see how your doing! I am in the same boat as you sister. I lost 20 pounds back before the holidays, fell off the boat and just can't get back on. I had a great run in April where I lost 7 pounds (after gaining 15 of the 20 back) but have since gained that 7 back. Life just seems to get in the way for me. I'm starting a new day position at the end of the month. I'm hoping that will help get me back on track. I have to add you on FB...us Whovians need to stick together!

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CAFALL 6/17/2014 2:47PM

    (double comment. whoops.)

Comment edited on: 6/17/2014 2:48:13 PM

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CAFALL 6/17/2014 2:46PM

    What I do, when I decide to really start over again (which I'm doing now, incidentally) is pick one thing to focus on. When that thing doesn't require thought or effort anymore, then I keep doing that thing and pick another thing, and go on that way. First I was focusing on drinking a ton of water. Now I'm trying to actually eat at least five servings of fruit and veggies a day. That's getting easier, so I'm trying to think of how to start exercising again.

Good luck, strength, and perseverance to you as you get back into it. :)

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EMMY_DUCKIE149 6/2/2014 8:09PM

    If you liked the ease of it, perhaps sub it in for breakfast only?

Baby steps! Maybe write down one positive thing a day?

You can do it!

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SANDRA_E 6/2/2014 3:38PM

    emoticon

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NOTGVGUP83 6/2/2014 10:59AM

    Good to see you blog regardless of your mood! You're so ambitious and a true fighter. You're not alone on this up and down roller coaster. I think negative mentality is also what holds me back. It sucks to know that we once lost XX amount of weight just to gain most of it back and we can't get a grip of getting back into the groove of things! I believe in you. You have to find balance. I think if you quit thinking so much about it and just do the best you can everyday without beating yourself up you're going to start a good cycle again! I'm about to order some new dvd's and then when I get back from my mini weekend vacation start back up! You did it once, you havent given up and you're going to find your balance soon and get grooving! Keep your head up, I know you can do this!!!!! emoticon

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KIKKI-G 5/28/2014 10:28PM

    You've got this!!!! sometimes we just take on too much at once. you just experienced a huge life change but gradually things will fall back into normalcy & getting back to it will be so easy! slow & steady wins the race! do i need to send you another workout sweaty selfie??hahaha i will if it will help!

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AMBERLICIOUS88 5/28/2014 4:24PM

    I'm still here for ya sista! And sooooo there too! It's the balance we are having trouble finding. It seems to just happen when it happens. It's still in your mind tho. That's the biggest thing. When we completely stop thinking about it and caring about it is when we go back to being obese. You still have lost 30 some lbs right? Still further ahead than you were when you started right? I bet you are firmer and have more muscle than when you started too. Consistency seems to be the toughest thing to conquer and we all have to find our own way to do it. You WILL figure this out. Have faith in yourself :)

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UWPALUM 5/28/2014 2:13PM

    Your story is SO my story right now. I'm back to every bad habit I've ever had, and I know better! But when I am in the darkness of those habits and the feelings they bring with them, it's just hard to get back out.

But you can absolutely do it. I can do it as well. I've gained back most of the 90 pounds I lost last year I'm embarrased to say. Time to turn it around and get back on track. It's so easy to go back to the bad habits and get off track. But that stops now, right?

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NEWLEAF16 5/28/2014 1:21PM

    Great to see you! Sorry to hear you are struggling, whenever you write a blog I just feel like you are reading my mind. You have it in you to start again, and eventually break this cycle, I know you do! I have the same cycle going on too and know how frustrating and infuriating it can be. Hang in there, and thanks again for sharing your journey even when you are struggling!!!!!

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ARUNNINGKAT 5/28/2014 12:10PM

    Oh, yes! I definitely still believe in you! We all have our struggles and I know the feeling that fear is playing with your mind. I have that sometimes too, but like you I have a very hard time determining what is actually causing it. Just staying on track should be so easy, but sometimes it just is not. Unfortunately, I don't have any great solutions for you (yet!) because I am working to figure it out for myself. But you are determined and I know that the same determination that helped you lose the weight last year will help you again. emoticon

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CHODGES83 5/28/2014 12:03PM

    I think we have all been right where you are. I know it has been a long journey for myself learning what works for me and wanting to actually do what works. I still struggle with doing what I know is best for me. The biggest thing I've learned is not to shame myself or feel guilty about anything. I make the choices. It's about learning to have healthy relationship with your body. emoticon

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GYPSYGOTH 5/28/2014 10:09AM

    So sorry to hear you are struggling! I know that I could not consistently take in two of my meals in liquid-only form. Depressing to even consider emoticon

You are so young and I suspect that you are looking at this as "I want to be skinny" or "I want to be x weight." -- I really hope that you can try a bit more to focus on HEALTH rather than weight. Exercise because it's great for your body. Choose fresh produce because your body craves it-- more than your brain craves chips or sweets, but you have to override that habit.

You can do it! Hope you find your rope to pull yourself up out of that hole!

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PENNYLANE15 5/28/2014 9:29AM

    I've been there! For a year I bounced back and forth , gaining and losing. It's very frustrating. Took me awhile to recommit hardcore but when it finally happened I just kept going & tried my best to avoid falling off again. Just keep pushing. What worked for me was I scheduled "cheat days" once-twice a month. Gave me something to look forward to. You can do it!!!

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SLIMMERJESSE 5/28/2014 9:15AM

    You'll do this when you're ready and make up your mind. Have a wonderful day.

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BAZOOKABOBCAT 5/28/2014 9:12AM

    There is no failure. And ultimately, there's no "success". This is just your life. You can't fail because you're going to constantly move. And your life is not affirmed by what you eat or how much you exercise. Nor is it affirmed by your weight.

When you work out, it is to feel good and to be healthy. Just think of that as your goal. Weight loss isn't religion. You have nothing to confess or admit to. Eat well because it makes you feel well. Move your body because it is a miracle to be able to move it. Just be happy. Eat. Move. Feel good. Those goals you can accomplish.

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CARI2012 5/28/2014 9:09AM

    I completely agree. Your world was practically flipped upside down! I know that you were starting to slip before the move, but soon you will be in a new routine and everything will fall into place. You know that you have the skills necessary to reach your goals, you just have to find the motivation! Hope you're loving your new area :)

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STFRENCH 5/28/2014 8:36AM

    Glad to see you again!

Maybe you need to take baby-steps to get you back in to the swing of things and rebuild your good habits one at a time.

Good luck! Let us know how you do emoticon

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BONOLICIOUS2 5/28/2014 8:18AM

    So glad to hear from you! We're still here too!

I really struggle with even the idea of "meal replacements" - pretty much because of what you described - I swear my stomach doesn't think it has been fed if I don't physically chew and swallow food! It could be part of why you are struggling, no joke!

I also think you have had ALOT of change in your life in the past few months and that can throw you for a loop. Sometimes it can take a while to find your stride again. Hopefully it all starts fitting back together for you soon. In the meantime, we'll wait!

You can doooo it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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MISSUSRIVERRAT 5/28/2014 6:42AM

    It is good you are being honest & opening up to others that provided support in the past. That tells me that you are ready to turn the tide, even though you are also expressing being down and disheartened. You did it once...you can do it again.
This time you can STAY at the lower weight. This is something most losers struggle with. There are many people that will be there to fight the battle with you once you get there this time. Maybe you could check out the maintainers team for some inspiration and support. You know you're not happy where you are. But you don't have to stay there. And you really can put behind you the fear that even if you work very, very hard
that you still will end up there again. If you explore the concept of maintenance, maybe you will develop confidence that you can make it happen when the time comes.


Comment edited on: 5/28/2014 6:43:08 AM

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California dreamin'.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Heya sparkles, I'm back! Sorry for my extended absence... at first I was avoiding Spark because I was off track (naturally, that's generally always the time that I avoid it), but then before I knew it, moving time was upon me! I'm in CA now, have been for almost 2 weeks (it'll be 2 weeks on Friday). No internet yet, so my contact is limited unless I'm at my parents house using internet (which is what I'm currently doing).

Cali is pretty nice so far. I live out in the country, which is definitely an adjustment, considering that I came from a big city. The scenery is really pretty though, it's a really old town so there is a lot of old abandoned buildings and shop fronts from way back when. It's also really quiet, which I'm still not used to. I go to bed at night listening to crickets, and wake up listening to birds. Quite the change from city/town noises. I live really close to the border (I can see it from my street) so border patrol is around a lot. I actually saw them go by on horseback yesterday, I had to do a double take to make sure of what I was seeing!
I also landed my first ever full time job, pending background check. Super excited (and nervous) about that... but mostly anxious to start working again. It's been a month since I left my last job, boredom has officially set in! I'm looking forward to actually making good money and being able to pay all my bills and whatnot.

Aaaaaand of course in all the craziness, I gained weight. I wasn't even TRYING to not gain. I pretty much ate anything and everything bad, for weeks on end. And the scale is most definitely reflecting it... so instead of doing my usual "jump in head first" approach of getting back on track, I'm trying to take it slowly... Monday I did good until the night time, yesterday I was perfect, and today so far I've been good. Living in the country means there's a LOT of outdoor areas to walk/do outdoor exercises... so I'm forcing myself to take advantage of it. Yesterday I walked/jogged around the lake a couple times. If I can get in the habit of doing that, then slowly I'll progress and add more exercise into it. Food is definitely the big focus though, because that's been beyond out of control. I know that after a week or two of being good, it'll get easier... what sucks is the GETTING THROUGH those few weeks... those first few weeks when you always feel hungry... when you crave the bad stuff... when you just DON'T WANNA workout... but I will keep reminding myself that it will get better... fake it til I make it! I've done it before and I can do it again.

I hope all of you are doing awesome. I will check in when I can, and hopefully I'll start working soon so that I can start getting paychecks! Because paychecks = internet in my house! TTFN!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GREGGWEISBROD 5/13/2014 11:18AM

    I love following your posts on FB and am definitely thinking of you tons during this big transition in your life! I'm so stink in' happy for you that you landed the job, and hope it goes incredibly well for you. Body health is a life long battle, and you know this as well as anyone, so just keep learning to love yourself, forgive yourself, and make more good days than bad. I never stop rooting for you, Ms. Pond, never. Even if I'm not vocal about it, I always in your corner.


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AHTRAP 4/24/2014 2:29PM

    welcome back

Glad you're getting settled in.

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CHODGES83 4/24/2014 2:25PM

    Happy for a happy report! Sounds like you've got all sorts of fresh start opportunities. Keep channeling that positivity!

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THELILEA 4/24/2014 1:12PM

    So nice to hear from you! Glad you are settling in. Huge transition periods like those are super tough, and I'm sure you'll get back into an awesome routine soon! It sounds like you are in a great environment for getting active!! Can't wait for more updates!! HUG!

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BAZOOKABOBCAT 4/24/2014 9:57AM

    Love to have you back! And I like your small steps! Sounds like a wonderful place to journey outside.

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IAMZBEE 4/24/2014 9:51AM

    YAY! So happy that you're settling in well. emoticon

Moving, especially to a totally new state, is very hard and tiring, and the last thing you want to think about is cooking and planning your meals... It's great that you're taking the opportunity to go outdoors. Way to go, chica!!

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GYPSYGOTH 4/24/2014 9:18AM

    Lucky you! I love California and am totally jealous :P

Enjoy the beautiful nature around you and the new job and everything! emoticon

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NOTGVGUP83 4/24/2014 9:10AM

    It's great to see you back to blogging and sparking! It sounds like you're adjusting very well to your move and that you have a lot of exploring to do. Slowing getting back into the groove of healthy habits is the key so you don't get overwhelmed! WTG on the new job. Keep balancing and staying positive. I hear Cali weather is much nicer than my Texas weather.

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BONOLICIOUS2 4/24/2014 8:19AM

    Aw yayyyy! This sounds so happy and good! Congrats! I bet it is WARM where you are too right?! Jealous!

Sounds like you have so many good things going for you & this is a great opportunity for all kinds of fresh starts - health & weight loss included! Channel that positive change girl!

So happy to hear from you, can't wait to continue to hear how much you love this job and your new life!!!!!!

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RAINA413 4/24/2014 2:20AM

    Good luck with the new job! I am sure that you will get it if all they need to do is a background check. Obviously you aren't a felon or psycho killer! Ha!! Ha!!

As for the gain, not to make excuses, but moving is severely stressful, so it is not unsurprising, however, I am thrilled to hear you are making the most of your new home town with walking and jogging around the lake, etc. I am sure you will be right back on track before you know it!!

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WHOVIAN3 4/23/2014 11:03PM

    good to see you sparking again!

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KIKKI-G 4/23/2014 9:41PM

    Good to hear that things are looking up. I look forward to getting back to a simpler life vs city life for sure. Super jealous of your weather & would definitely be taking advantage!!! But I know you got this & slow & steady does win the race.


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DEBADEAU 4/23/2014 7:20PM

    Glad to see you are back!! You're going to do amazing!

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ARUNNINGKAT 4/23/2014 7:14PM

    So good to hear from you! Good luck on the job! I know you will be completely back on track with your weight loss and inspiring us all very soon! I am slightly jealous of your close access to a lake! emoticon

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JADED_CHICK19 4/23/2014 6:46PM

    Glad you're back on spark because now I have my best cheerleader back! We can do this! Here's to getting healthy again! :)

emoticon

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NIMIRRA137 4/23/2014 6:10PM

    Great to hear from you! I have been wondering but knew you had the move coming up. Good luck with the prospective job!

Taking the healthy lifestyle, fitness, weightloss one day at a time is the way to go. Eventually you may look forward to your walk/jogs around the lake! Keep up the good work.

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REBECKY441 4/23/2014 5:36PM

    Glad your back! I'm a California Girl too... always been. I live in No. Calif. and love to hear the sounds of nature. Although I actually hear wild turkeys and the neighbor's roosters in the morning to wake me up! I'm glad to see you are enjoying your new environment... and hope that new environment will soon include paychecks that will equal internet! :)

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I can feel it coming in the air tonight.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Well, I'm happy to report that today is day 9 of my "back on track" streak!! Being back at Zumba feels AMAAAAAAAAAAZING. The first couple classes were ridiculously hard. I remembered most of the moves, but oh my gosh... my grace had pretty much all disappeared... as well as my flexibility.. and my ability to move... I pretty much gallumphed around like a baby calf for the whole hour, and left feeling frustrated (but still happy). It's only been about a week, but the classes are already getting easier again. I'm going to go and do a R.I.P.P.E.D class tonight, so I think it's safe to say that I'll be pretty sore tomorrow!

I won't be as small as I had hoped in time for Vegas (which is 17 days away, WOOOOOOOOOOO), but that's just something I have to deal with. I think I've got all my clothes shopping done. I FINALLY found a maxi skirt that is the PERFECT length, which is amazing because I'm short and usually maxi skirts devour my lower half and make it look like a have a wedding train. Found some shirts, a bathing suit, flip flops.. So all I can do is be as good as I can with food and exercise until we go, and then just accept how I look while I'm there. All that matters is that I'll be having a blast with my sister! I plan on having an amazing time no matter what I weigh. And naturally, we will take a gajillion pictures to show everyone. I wish it was sooner, but time will fly!!

In other news... the move to CA is quickly approaching, and I'm getting nervous. My last day at Target should be two weeks from today. The house I'll be renting in CA is being renovated.. moving plans are being made... I can't believe it's all actually happening...and so quickly. I'm hoping it's a blessing in disguise, and not a mistake. I guess in the long run, I will find out. I can't wait to actually see the house in person, instead of just through pictures. I hope it's as awesome as my parents told me it is!

Anyway, tata for now Sparkles. Hope everyone is having a good week!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EMMY_DUCKIE149 3/16/2014 9:49PM

    Think positive, happy thoughts! Get HYPE!

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AHTRAP 3/14/2014 11:23PM

    Good luck with the move...I hadn't caught that bit...you think maybe the stress of the thought of packing up and moving might have had something to do with knocking you off track for a bit?

Either way, you're back on the right track...keep it rolling that way!

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RAVEN_SKY 3/14/2014 9:03PM

    Congrats on your streak, awesome!
Love that you have such a positive outlook on things and taking it as it comes. Zumba was always hard for me, I never felt coordinated and usually get confused. But no matter what it is a great workout and I always felt amazing afterwards. Good luck on your move :)

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BRADMILL2922 3/13/2014 3:33AM

    Things are moving right along for you, aren't they? Good for you, you deserve it! You are right, time will fly until vacation and until the move. They will be here in no time! You will have a great time on vacation! Keep up that streak and keep working hard!

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CHODGES83 3/12/2014 2:24PM

    Sending good vibes that this move is just what you need! A change can be just the thing to turn you around...not that you're headed in the wrong direction...just that it may help you stay motivated being closer to family. Anyway, I'm sending you good vibes.

Definitely don't stress about Vegas. You are going to have a blast! Besides the only person worried about your weight in Vegas will be you! Everyone else will be too worried about what they look like. Actually, you won't be worried about it because you are going to be having too much fun!

In my best Kristen Wiig voice:
Ready to par-teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eey!

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GREGGWEISBROD 3/12/2014 1:36PM

    The mental image of a skirt eating your legs is making me laugh out loud for reals! :-D You know, I'm just so happy that you'll at least be heading to Vegas with feelings of pride in yourself for having gutted it out the last couple of months and have come out strong and re-focused. You're all the hero you need, all the hero you'll ever need. Remember that always. I'm so excited to see what this new chapter brings in your life, and really excited to see you out and running in those fab shoes! :-D Please don't ever hesitate to hit me up for advice with running, it would be my absolute pleasure to share whatever I can. *HUGS* Have a great rest of your week, Ms. Pond!

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NEWLEAF16 3/12/2014 11:58AM

    Congrats on the 9 days (and counting) streak!!! Have a great vacation and hope all goes well with the move

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WHOVIAN3 3/12/2014 10:02AM

    glad you are back on track! Dont stop!

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BONOLICIOUS2 3/12/2014 9:01AM

    Okay, fellow shorty here, where did you find a maxi skirt that doesn't look like a kid wearing her mother's oversized clothes?!?!??!

Awww I must have missed this upcoming move, but that sounds like a GREAT opportunity for a fresh start! I hope that is what it is for you - a nice fresh start with lots of open doors for you! What part of CA - because I hear the weather can be amazing there so you'll have lots of sunshine to get you going!

I was just talking about weight + vacations with another sparkie. I think the only people that TRULY will care about what your weight is on your vacation will be YOU. Everyone else is a complete stranger just trying to have a fun vacation, not focused on picking you out on your weight. Let yourself forget about that for a minute, just have fun, and when you get back you'll like the pictures not because you are "skinnier" but because you have a genuine happy smile on your face. HAVE FUN!

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SWEETNEEY 3/12/2014 8:46AM

    There are no mistakes just experiences. I love Zumba - I still galump around.

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BAZOOKABOBCAT 3/12/2014 8:45AM

    hahaha! Love the "baby calf" metaphor. Sounds kind of adorable, actually!

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YAEME79 3/12/2014 3:49AM

    If I go even a few days w/o exercise or any physical activity I have to start all over it seems. I am very uncoordinated! I get mad at people that can jump right back in like they never missed a day

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DEBADEAU 3/11/2014 7:55PM

    Baby calf? Im crying laughing! Youre doing SO great!! Nine days and counting. I wonder what your new streak will be! Im happy youve found your way back, and glad that we are in this together. Cali will be lucky to have you! This move will be a good thing :)

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NIMIRRA137 3/11/2014 7:03PM

    First off, love the song from the title of this blog! Second off, great job with your streak! You're doing awesome.

Be sure to take lots of pictures in Vegas. You'll have a blast and hopefully you won't even worry about whether you're as small as you had hoped or not. The size of your body shouldn't determine how much fun you have while in Las Vegas.

Good luck with your move.

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ARUNNINGKAT 3/11/2014 6:39PM

    Congrats on the 9 day streak! I don't know that I will ever be graceful at Zumba, but I always enjoy it anyway. emoticon Which reminds me that I should get back to attending a Zumba class at least once a week.

I am excited for you on your upcoming trip! I am sure you are going to have the best time ever!

Moving is super scary sometimes, but I am sure that it will turn out to be a great thing for you! And I agree with RAINA413, we need photos! emoticon

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RAINA413 3/11/2014 6:21PM

    So thrilled for you!!! Nine days and counting! that is an awesome streak! And just think of all the walking and swimming you will be doing in Vegas. Don't forget to track it because it all counts!
I have to ask, what is a R.I.P.P.E.D class? Sounds interesting. i might want to try that. Goodness knows I tried Zumba because of you, too!

Good luck with your move to CA. I think this will be a good thing for you. A fresh start and a new beginning. Plus, with all the good weather it gives you that much more opportunity to get outside and move around walking, jogging, mowing the lawn...whatever! At least you won't be cooped up indoors or stuck only going to the gym. You can get in extra fitness elsewhere to keep on track and to keep things from getting stale. Can't wait to read your blog all about the house. Hope you will post photos!

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The dreaded shame spiral.

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Ah yes, the old shame spiral. We all know it. It's that cycle that starts when you slip up and gain a few pounds back. You get angry, and instead of working to reverse the negative, you keep adding to it. You eat more, and workout less. Is it a punishment to yourself? In my case it is. Instead of reaching out for help, you lock it away in your shame box, and continue to pack on the pounds. You don't go back to classes, because you don't want everyone to see the weight you've put back on. You avoid all weight loss talk, because you don't want to admit how bad you've slipped (even though it's visually obvious). And so you continue to be depressed. Continue to pack in the food until you can't even breathe. And then you cry, because none of your clothes fit anymore. You pull out your fat clothes again, and cry at how uncomfortably they fit. You cry over how you look. You cry over how you feel. And STILL, instead of asking for help, you continue to hide it. You continue to eat. WHY? I don't know, I wish I did.

I lost my way during the holiday season. And I know I'm not the only one, a lot of people did. The difference between them and me, is that I'm STILL wandering blindly. I eat and eat and eat until I can't breathe and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't exercise, because months of bad food have made me feel so sluggish that I don't want to do anything but sleep or sit on the couch. I've gained about 30ish pounds back since October. May not seem like much, but it's about half of what I had lost. I know it's visually obvious. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel special (I feel special when I'm losing weight. Weight lossers really are a special and elite group, because it's such a hard thing to accomplish in my eyes). I feel like nothing but an enormous failure. It's not a fun feeling. It's a miserable one! I've tried to take steps to get back on track. But being this far off the wagon makes everything feel impossible. There was a time where I was BLAST through my workouts, and LOVE it. I would feel INCREDIBLE and couldn't wait to do it the next day again. Now? The thought of even putting out my workout clothes is horrific. Especially because they definitely show how far I've backtracked. Everything seems unattainable, even the simplest task (like not drinking soda).

But, the fight is STILL not over for me. There's been a couple times these past few months where I think "I guess this is over, I guess I'll just continue to gain weight until I tip the scales at 400 pounds and everyone points and laughs at me". But I know in the back of my mind, that won't happen. I wouldn't let it. Because even at this point, with as much progress as I've lost, I still haven't given up. I may be failing consistently with getting back on track, but yet I'm still trying. This is my last month in Tucson, so tomorrow, I plan to go back to Zumba. I know it will only be for a month, but I know that Zumba saved my life once already. And I bet that it can do it again. If I can force myself to do a month full of Zumba (initially a force, to get myself moving. I LOVE Zumba), as well as work on my food, I think that I can get back on track. Zumba was what really made me love working out in general, and I think that if I can get that feeling back in my heart and in my mind, then I will remember the rush I get from being healthy. It's going to take time (and probably a bit of stumbling), but even after all this time, I STILL refuse to give up.

I'm sorry to everyone that I've blown off or ignored. I didn't do it to be mean. I did it because when I feel ashamed, I hide from everyone. If any of you are still willing to support me, and haven't given up on me, I would definitely appreciate the love.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TENS_GIRL75 3/25/2014 10:09AM

    You are not alone. I went off the rails back in December and never got back on. After losing 20 pounds I have gained 15 of them back. I was pretty much in denial until I realized I couldn't button any of the new pants I had bought. I hopped on the scale thinking "oh this won't be bad..." and it was. I know what I have been doing wrong. A couple weeks ago at work I ate a whole bag of donuts by myself, tons of fried chicken strips from the cafeteria, tons of excuses for not working out. So my spiral includes excuses and convincing myself its okay.
When I logged back in after being gone since January I came here first to check how you were doing! So glad to see the move is in progress and we are both getting back on track! emoticon

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BRADMILL2922 3/6/2014 3:19AM

    It really is a terrible cycle that we can fall into. It seems never ending but I promise there is an end. It seems like you are making steps by getting back to Zumba. It seems like you are sticking your hand up through the brush and reaching for that light. You will find it! You will get on track and you WILL do even better than before! I believe it...and I know that deep down that you do as well! Keep your chin up!

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AHTRAP 3/5/2014 7:08PM

    you do realize, don't you, that if weight lossers are a special and elite group, then by dint of having lost weight successfully before, you yourself are special and elite?

Yeah, backsliding happened. To the weight lossers who keep the weight off are the most specialist of those special elites, the Navy Seals of us weight loser types, if you will. Doesn't mean you aren't special and elite, though.

Swing on the spiral, but don't let it drown you. The fun thing about spirals is that you keep going, and you will find yourself facing the other way soon enough. When you get there, get off the spiral and keep going in that (good) direction.

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ASHESS85 3/5/2014 11:09AM

    I feel like your words are coming from my brain! LOL I feel soooo similar. I also started to fall off the wagon in November after my wedding and then with the holidays it really got bad. I think we both know the things we have done wrong and just need to push those silly excuses out the window! It's time to love ourselves again my friend! We can do it! emoticon

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TIGER_LILY_613 3/3/2014 11:25PM

    Shame sometimes distorts reality so much that things look and feel much worse than they really are.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing great by reaching out when you need help. It takes courage to let people in when we feel vulnerable.

Years ago, I slipped badly and didn't ask for help, because I didn't want anyone to think less of me. I let the shame spiral take over and ended up ballooning past my starting point. You're doing the right thing by askign for help.

You have a great attitude. For your zumba class - just show up. Even if it means just being there for 5 minutes the first time. Sometimes all it takes is that first step. Once you're there for a while, things will pick up through force of habit.

You also mentioned in a previous blog that you'd be moving soon. You might be stress-eating - relocating can be very stressful. To make things easier for yourself, try, if you can, to put a system in place that makes things much easier for you. Like batch-cooking on the weekend or locating a nearby store that sells healthy meals, so that you'll have healthy options when the need to eat strikes.

Hang in there. We're here for ya. And I really do believe that you can do this :)

Comment edited on: 3/3/2014 11:27:31 PM

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RAINA413 3/3/2014 3:05PM

    I know just how you feel! I am just getting back to where I was before the holidays as well. It is never easy to get back on track but once you do it just becomes a healthy habit once again. Zumba freaked me out at first. I am so uncoordinated, but if you find a class with fun people and/or a good teacher you really enjoy it because you realize you aren't the only one who feels that way. The best thing about Zumba is that you don't have to be exact...just so long as you keep moving you keep burning! I have to say, it helped get my head back in the game. Shame and hopelessness is something that we all have to recognize as being the toughest challenge, we have all been there, but keep in mind, we are all fighting that fight alongside you. You are not alone!! We are all here to help each other get back onto the right track.

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MAUREENREDUX 3/3/2014 11:44AM

    I am just getting back to where I was before the holidays and I just had a bad weekend so I am trying to pull myself out from making a bad weekend turn into a bad week, a bad month...When I started at the gym in December, I was very intimidated by the classes - especially Zumba, because I didn't think I could do it, was too embarrassed by my lack of coordination, not to mention body shape...but then one day I walked in and tried it. I felt sweaty and exhausted, but great! I made it through the hour. Even the young, fit girls are so inclusive that I begin to forget that I am the uncoordinated old lady in the back row. I now look forward to classes and it has helped tremendously to keep my head in the game. The self flagellation and shame is something that we all have to recognize as being the toughest challenge to master. No apologies necessary---remember that many are fighting the same fight. I hope that something you read today will help propel you back onto the right track.

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AMBERLICIOUS88 3/3/2014 11:34AM

    I know exactly how you feel...but sometimes just going and DOING it is easier than the constant self abuse we give ourselves. I say this of course after a bad wknd of eating and I'm probably about to have a bad lunch too.. :( Go get em tiger..sometimes it's just that first time back that gives you the kick in the butt you need.

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KMK242003 3/3/2014 11:18AM

  This is EXACTLY me! You are so not alone and I congratulate you on not giving up. This is a step by step process and you made the 1st two - reaching out to your support group and then getting back to an exercise you find fun! Get back on track and you will start to feel better about yourself emotionally which will then show on the scale and in the fit of your clothes...YOU CAN DO IT!

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CARI2012 3/3/2014 11:15AM

    If we could all just get our brains to SHUT UP, I think we'd be much better off ;)
Good luck at Zumba today, and for the rest of the month! You've got good things coming, don't ruin them with spending all day beating yourself up!

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WEEPINGANGEL74 3/3/2014 9:34AM

    I'm stuck in the same spiral so I know exactly what you mean and what you are going through!

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ERIC_ANDREW 3/3/2014 7:28AM

    I can only think of all the times I was slipping and you were bugging me to be more consistent and communicative. Guess you'll be getting some more harassment from me. ;-)

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STEPH-KNEE 3/3/2014 7:07AM

    I have been there too many times to count, and it is a rough and awful feeling. I am glad you have a plan to get things moving back in the right direction again. emoticon emoticon

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SKAHONEY4U 3/2/2014 3:12PM

    It's ok! I have faith that whatever you need to finally kick you back into it will be found before you hit 400 pounds! I'm still struggling from after the holidays, too! I gained eight pounds from like October to January. I got back in January, lost those 8 pounds, and then now I am just bouncing back up and hovering around 250. I know I need to track, but it makes me want to stab myself. Every time my fiance mentions calories in a food, I want to hit him too. I'm hungry all the time, and I hate it. I hate raw vegetables and water. I hate swimming now. And walking. And everything. I try to work out, but something always manages to make it so I only do it like once a week (migraines, a cold, an injury, tired, ect). I feel like an incredible ball of negativity. I weighed in today, and once again the scale had not moved, and i think that was the final straw in my up and down crap. I'm going to track this week and see the difference.

I hope that Zumba is the kick in the butt that you need to get back into it. It's great that you still love it! You aren't alone in the struggle!

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BONOLICIOUS2 3/2/2014 1:08PM

    First of all, you are awesome. Remember that!

Second, we become a whole lot happier when we stop caring what other people think. You're not a failure! Life has its ups and downs for EVERYBODY and if someone was going to be mean to you about yours - they shouldn't be around you much longer!

Overall giving up would be the worst thing you could do. Stumble, trip, do that little awkward wave your arms while doing a half split so you don't fall all of the way on the ground, whatever it takes as long as you are still moving forward!

You have done it, you can do it, you WILL do it! You rock girly!

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HINK2013 3/2/2014 12:45PM

    YOU CAN DO THIS!!! And I totally understand what you mean by being in the shame spiral! But KNOW that no matter what the number on the scale says.... you are a beautiful person!

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Take back YOUR power!!

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

emoticon SPOILER ALERT emoticon IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE BL WINNER, SKIP THIS SECTION!!
I'm not going to say much about this, only that I DID watch the finale, and I am EXTREMELY disappointed with the outcome. Rachael is definitely underweight and unhealthy, and I really hope that she can get help for what I can only guess is an eating disorder. I also hope that the show/trainers will acknowledge this.

But that aside, that really got me thinking. I saw a quote last night that said "Don't exercise and eat healthy because you hate your body, do it because you LOVE your body". That really got me thinking. I am notorious for being abusive to myself. I always talk about how much I hate myself, and how much I hate my body. I self deprecate like no ones business. If I miss a workout, it's "You stupid lazy b*tch, how do you ever expect to lose weight". If I slip up and binge, it's "Well you're pathetic and you screwed up, you're never going to succeed, better eat some more". It's awful, and it's something that I'm really trying to work on. For years I've said "I'm fat, I'm disgusting, I hate myself". But the truth is, I'm NOT fat. I HAVE fat. There is a big difference. I'm Amy, my name is not Fat. Whether I weigh 237 pounds or 137 pounds, the person that is inside will remain the same, only the exterior will show a change.

I, like a lot of people on this journey, am extremely guilty of turning this into a numbers game. I obsess over the scale. I obsess over every weigh in. I obsess over the numbers. I obsess over it all! If I step on the scale and don't see a loss after a week of being perfect, the first thing on my mind is "Great, you screwed up, you fat ass. Why are you even still trying?" emoticon NO! That is NOT okay anymore. I need to think more about the HEALTH aspect of this all. Okay, so maybe I weighed in and didn't lose! But how do I feel (hello inner Dr. Phil)? Do I feel stronger? Do I feel more in control? Does my skin look brighter? SCREW that scale. SCREW the obsession. SCREW the self hatred. It has to end! I have put my body through hell and back, and yet it still carries on! It still stays strong through my repeated weight loss attempts. It stands by while I take off weight (and unfortunately sometimes put it back on, very quickly). It carries me through my workouts. It allows me to continue trying. How can I hate it for that? In reality, I guess I DON'T hate my body. I simply HATE what I've done TO it. My body was just the innocent bystander, I am the one who "destroyed" it. And in the same sense, I am the ONLY one who can fix it again.

TAKE BACK YOUR POWER sparkles. YOU are the one in control of your food. YOU are the one who chooses whether or not you are going to work out each day. YOU are the one who has to choose between eating that bag of chips or saying NO. YOU have the power inside you, but you have to reclaim it!! And THAT is what I am determined to do!! TAKE BACK MY POWER.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHRINKING_SARA 2/11/2014 7:41PM

    emoticon

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YAEME79 2/8/2014 3:15AM

    So happy that u have learned that if u make a mistake learn from it and try again
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CARI2012 2/6/2014 10:12AM

    I feel like I need to throw my fist in the air and say, "YEAH!!!! What she said!!!"

Very well put and thought-out. I especially like the part about not BEING fat, but HAVING fat. I should tape that to my mirror or something and make it my new motto.

I hope that this self-pep talk means that you are back with us, back on track, and ready to kick some a$$!

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WHOVIAN3 2/6/2014 9:18AM

    LOVE!!!!! She's back!!!

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BONOLICIOUS2 2/6/2014 9:05AM

    YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (fist pump into the air!)

I don't watch the show, but I did see an article about it yesterday and I did think it was suspicious that nobody was willing to comment on it, none of the trainers would comment and everyone just said "Ask the producers" and she wouldn't outline what she did... and then I checked her weight and height and I was like WOAH - that is awfully low. I mean 105 lbs?!

I think alot of people start these weight loss journeys because they are unhappy with themselves, and that is probably why alot of people fail because the negative cycle gets to be too much. I know my first go-round with spark was more driven by health concerns and wanting to help my body live longer and that had better results than "Ugh, I hate how I look. I hate how I eat. I hate ____"

It is time we take a good hard look at ourselves and be accountable for the right reasons! TAKING BACK MY POWER!



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STEPH-KNEE 2/6/2014 2:06AM

    Such an outstanding blog! You are always learning and growing and that is why you are still here and that is why you will find a way to not only GET to your goal but to STAY there. You are determined and that is why you are so inspiring! :D

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CHODGES83 2/5/2014 10:58PM

    Great blog! It's awesome that you are taking charge and being positive! I believe positivity reaps better benefits. Treat yourself well and you will feel well. Chin up!

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KUJAYHAWKGIRL 2/5/2014 8:32PM

    Wonderful blog and I love your outlook!!!

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COURTNEYBIKINI 2/5/2014 5:16PM

  So true. It was only when I stopped the negative mental tapes that play over in the gym that I actually became committed. I used to think "I suck at running" "I hate being here" and just love the excuse to not even go. But then I changed my tapes. I said, "This is me time" "I deserve this"....things like that. I am still working on the food/fat tapes as you mentioned.

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KCLARK89 2/5/2014 5:05PM

    Fantastic blog!! I've seen that quote too and I absolutely love it! It can be hard sometimes to see past where you started and see how far you've come and celebrate the positives instead of dwelling on the negative. I know for myself there are times that I still see myself as being 30lbs heavier and that I haven't accomplished anything over the last few years, but then I realize that I HAVE and I can do SO much more than I ever thought!

This isn't a one-and-done... it is a lifestyle change and there is no such thing as "perfection" but as long as you are persistent and continue to challenge yourself, you will be successful :)

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NEWLEAF16 2/5/2014 4:03PM

    WOW, just wow! Outstanding message, I wanted to stand up and applaud when I finished reading it. Amazing emoticon

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ARUNNINGKAT 2/5/2014 2:23PM

    You have made some great points and challenged me to look at my own approach to this journey. emoticon

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MAREINA 2/5/2014 2:18PM

    wow! great blog! this really resonates with me! i tend to obsess over the scale too and i'm slowly learning not to! and not to beat yourself up and start fresh everyday so thanks for writing such a great blog about i! you go girl! emoticon

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ELIZABETH5268 2/5/2014 1:51PM

    This is a great blog. I'm so glad you are finding this and that things seem to be positive for you now. You can do anything with this attitude:)

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SUZEMARIE73 2/5/2014 1:43PM

    What a powerful perspective shift. I can to a similar realization this morning actually.
Here's to LOVING our bodies enough to want to change!

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STRONGCOURAGE 2/5/2014 1:14PM

    Love it! :) emoticon

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 2/5/2014 1:14PM

    That used to be me. Was stuck there for years. I've moved on to better feelings and better results.

Weight loss is about one act of self care after another after all....

XOXO

..*
) ♥.*)
(. .♥ (. .♥ (.*`* ♥☆.*`*♥☆
;.*
`*♥☆ Spread the Spark!!!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 2/5/2014 12:59PM

    I completely agree with this whole blog! First, Rachel is definitely underweight and looks completely unhealthy. She looked better before she left the ranch. Last nights finally was shocking to say the least. And most importantly, we all need to stop beating ourselves up over our bodies. Yes, we should all strive to be healthy, but at what cost? Again, look at Rachel... This is a fabulous blog Amy. Keep going girl, you should be proud of what you've accomplished. Not just physically, but mentally, you're rising above it all! Way to go!

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TWESTEN1 2/5/2014 12:38PM

    Wow girl - that is an awesome blog. That is the number one thing that has helped me turn my life around... learning to love myself. I've been negative to myself since I was a teenager. It's almost impossible to lose weight when you hate yourself. Anyway, very well spoken!

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RAINA413 2/5/2014 12:20PM

    YES!!! This is an amazing blog! That quote is going on my inspiration board. I think everyone needs to read this because even if you already are doing it because you love your body we all have those days where we don't and it is an awesome wake up call to those who don't and a kick ass reminder for those who do but have days where they slip. Thank you for posting this! It is awesome!!!!

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ERIC_ANDREW 2/5/2014 12:18PM

    Now that is one serious pep talk! I love it.

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And now I'm off to turn yet another excessively long comment into a blog post.

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KIKKI-G 2/5/2014 12:08PM

    I've come to this realization too. Sometimes its hard to take control as food has been my addiction for too long but its all about learning how to take back the control to be like those who don't have a problem. You're well on your way & its refreshing when you realize that its not worth beating yourself up about it. We're human with flaws & you are working towards making yourself a better person which takes time & dedication. we've got this!!

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SLIMMERJESSE 2/5/2014 11:49AM

    Great blog.

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GREGGWEISBROD 2/5/2014 11:48AM

    emoticon

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UWPALUM 2/5/2014 11:48AM

    Love your blog. You are right. I know you are right, now I just have to convince myself and implement new attitudes into my life! "It's not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it's what you whisper to yourself that has the most power!" ~Robert Kiyosaki

So true!

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