Wednesday, May 28, 2014
I can't walk out!
Hello ssparkles... long time no talk! I apologize in advance for spelli any mistakes, I'm typing this on my lovely touchscreen phone, and as we all know, touchscreen can play havoc on words.
Anyway, I'm struggling (I know, big shocker).. I should actually be asleep right now since I have to get up early for work, but my mind is just racing right now, so sleep isn't really happening.
So those of you that have been around long enough to really know me, know that I lost almost 60 lbs last year, purely through healthy eating, portion control, treats in moderation, and exercise. Unfortunately, most of you also know that I gained a little over half of it back, and I'm still hanging on to that gain. At the beginning of this year, when I still worked at Target, I was introduced to Herbalife by a girl that I worked with. I bought quite a bit of it, and have been trying to do it off and on for months now. The longest stretch of time that I've managed to stay on track was 14 days. I know what you're all thinking, that I bought into the typical "fast fix" idea. I'm not stupid, I know that there is no such thing as a fast fix to a life long problem.. but for some reason, even though drinking shakes for 2 of my meals a day is SO easy, I can't seem to stick with it. I don't know if it's that I miss actually EATING and CHEWING food, or if I just feel too much pressure to adhere to the program... I'm not sure what it is. But I just cannot seem to keep my head in the game. I fall off the Wagon for weeks at a time before getting back on. Not healthy in the slightest. I feel like crap most of the time because I'm jerking my body so violently between being super healthy and being super gluttonous. I know that although the healthy eating + exercise way is harder, takes longer, and sometimes is a lot more time consuming, it works. I know from experiwnce. I think a lot of my problem is fear.. I'm afraid to lose a lot of weight again, because whose to say I won't screw up and gain it all back plus more again? Negative thinking is my biggest downfall. It's also the hardest thing to work on...
I know this isn't even a very coherent sounding blog. It's mostly a jumbled mess that was in my head and had to come out.. I guess I'm looking for some affirmation or even all your thoughts on this.. or even maybe ideas of how to stop being afraid and start believing in myself again.. even the thought of exercise is terrifying, and I used to be a freaking machine. It's sad, really, how far I've retreated into my dark and obese days.
I'm also sorry I haven't been around much.. not having Internet at my house is taking a huge toll on my ability to get online all the time. Stupid limited phone data and whatnot. Hopefully there's still some of you out there who believe in me, and are willing to support me. I miss you all!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Heya sparkles, I'm back! Sorry for my extended absence... at first I was avoiding Spark because I was off track (naturally, that's generally always the time that I avoid it), but then before I knew it, moving time was upon me! I'm in CA now, have been for almost 2 weeks (it'll be 2 weeks on Friday). No internet yet, so my contact is limited unless I'm at my parents house using internet (which is what I'm currently doing).
Cali is pretty nice so far. I live out in the country, which is definitely an adjustment, considering that I came from a big city. The scenery is really pretty though, it's a really old town so there is a lot of old abandoned buildings and shop fronts from way back when. It's also really quiet, which I'm still not used to. I go to bed at night listening to crickets, and wake up listening to birds. Quite the change from city/town noises. I live really close to the border (I can see it from my street) so border patrol is around a lot. I actually saw them go by on horseback yesterday, I had to do a double take to make sure of what I was seeing!
I also landed my first ever full time job, pending background check. Super excited (and nervous) about that... but mostly anxious to start working again. It's been a month since I left my last job, boredom has officially set in! I'm looking forward to actually making good money and being able to pay all my bills and whatnot.
Aaaaaand of course in all the craziness, I gained weight. I wasn't even TRYING to not gain. I pretty much ate anything and everything bad, for weeks on end. And the scale is most definitely reflecting it... so instead of doing my usual "jump in head first" approach of getting back on track, I'm trying to take it slowly... Monday I did good until the night time, yesterday I was perfect, and today so far I've been good. Living in the country means there's a LOT of outdoor areas to walk/do outdoor exercises... so I'm forcing myself to take advantage of it. Yesterday I walked/jogged around the lake a couple times. If I can get in the habit of doing that, then slowly I'll progress and add more exercise into it. Food is definitely the big focus though, because that's been beyond out of control. I know that after a week or two of being good, it'll get easier... what sucks is the GETTING THROUGH those few weeks... those first few weeks when you always feel hungry... when you crave the bad stuff... when you just DON'T WANNA workout... but I will keep reminding myself that it will get better... fake it til I make it! I've done it before and I can do it again.
I hope all of you are doing awesome. I will check in when I can, and hopefully I'll start working soon so that I can start getting paychecks! Because paychecks = internet in my house! TTFN!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Well, I'm happy to report that today is day 9 of my "back on track" streak!! Being back at Zumba feels AMAAAAAAAAAAZING. The first couple classes were ridiculously hard. I remembered most of the moves, but oh my gosh... my grace had pretty much all disappeared... as well as my flexibility.. and my ability to move... I pretty much gallumphed around like a baby calf for the whole hour, and left feeling frustrated (but still happy). It's only been about a week, but the classes are already getting easier again. I'm going to go and do a R.I.P.P.E.D class tonight, so I think it's safe to say that I'll be pretty sore tomorrow!
I won't be as small as I had hoped in time for Vegas (which is 17 days away, WOOOOOOOOOOO), but that's just something I have to deal with. I think I've got all my clothes shopping done. I FINALLY found a maxi skirt that is the PERFECT length, which is amazing because I'm short and usually maxi skirts devour my lower half and make it look like a have a wedding train. Found some shirts, a bathing suit, flip flops.. So all I can do is be as good as I can with food and exercise until we go, and then just accept how I look while I'm there. All that matters is that I'll be having a blast with my sister! I plan on having an amazing time no matter what I weigh. And naturally, we will take a gajillion pictures to show everyone. I wish it was sooner, but time will fly!!
In other news... the move to CA is quickly approaching, and I'm getting nervous. My last day at Target should be two weeks from today. The house I'll be renting in CA is being renovated.. moving plans are being made... I can't believe it's all actually happening...and so quickly. I'm hoping it's a blessing in disguise, and not a mistake. I guess in the long run, I will find out. I can't wait to actually see the house in person, instead of just through pictures. I hope it's as awesome as my parents told me it is!
Anyway, tata for now Sparkles. Hope everyone is having a good week!
Sunday, March 02, 2014
Ah yes, the old shame spiral. We all know it. It's that cycle that starts when you slip up and gain a few pounds back. You get angry, and instead of working to reverse the negative, you keep adding to it. You eat more, and workout less. Is it a punishment to yourself? In my case it is. Instead of reaching out for help, you lock it away in your shame box, and continue to pack on the pounds. You don't go back to classes, because you don't want everyone to see the weight you've put back on. You avoid all weight loss talk, because you don't want to admit how bad you've slipped (even though it's visually obvious). And so you continue to be depressed. Continue to pack in the food until you can't even breathe. And then you cry, because none of your clothes fit anymore. You pull out your fat clothes again, and cry at how uncomfortably they fit. You cry over how you look. You cry over how you feel. And STILL, instead of asking for help, you continue to hide it. You continue to eat. WHY? I don't know, I wish I did.
I lost my way during the holiday season. And I know I'm not the only one, a lot of people did. The difference between them and me, is that I'm STILL wandering blindly. I eat and eat and eat until I can't breathe and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't exercise, because months of bad food have made me feel so sluggish that I don't want to do anything but sleep or sit on the couch. I've gained about 30ish pounds back since October. May not seem like much, but it's about half of what I had lost. I know it's visually obvious. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel special (I feel special when I'm losing weight. Weight lossers really are a special and elite group, because it's such a hard thing to accomplish in my eyes). I feel like nothing but an enormous failure. It's not a fun feeling. It's a miserable one! I've tried to take steps to get back on track. But being this far off the wagon makes everything feel impossible. There was a time where I was BLAST through my workouts, and LOVE it. I would feel INCREDIBLE and couldn't wait to do it the next day again. Now? The thought of even putting out my workout clothes is horrific. Especially because they definitely show how far I've backtracked. Everything seems unattainable, even the simplest task (like not drinking soda).
But, the fight is STILL not over for me. There's been a couple times these past few months where I think "I guess this is over, I guess I'll just continue to gain weight until I tip the scales at 400 pounds and everyone points and laughs at me". But I know in the back of my mind, that won't happen. I wouldn't let it. Because even at this point, with as much progress as I've lost, I still haven't given up. I may be failing consistently with getting back on track, but yet I'm still trying. This is my last month in Tucson, so tomorrow, I plan to go back to Zumba. I know it will only be for a month, but I know that Zumba saved my life once already. And I bet that it can do it again. If I can force myself to do a month full of Zumba (initially a force, to get myself moving. I LOVE Zumba), as well as work on my food, I think that I can get back on track. Zumba was what really made me love working out in general, and I think that if I can get that feeling back in my heart and in my mind, then I will remember the rush I get from being healthy. It's going to take time (and probably a bit of stumbling), but even after all this time, I STILL refuse to give up.
I'm sorry to everyone that I've blown off or ignored. I didn't do it to be mean. I did it because when I feel ashamed, I hide from everyone. If any of you are still willing to support me, and haven't given up on me, I would definitely appreciate the love.
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
SPOILER ALERT IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE BL WINNER, SKIP THIS SECTION!!
I'm not going to say much about this, only that I DID watch the finale, and I am EXTREMELY disappointed with the outcome. Rachael is definitely underweight and unhealthy, and I really hope that she can get help for what I can only guess is an eating disorder. I also hope that the show/trainers will acknowledge this.
But that aside, that really got me thinking. I saw a quote last night that said "Don't exercise and eat healthy because you hate your body, do it because you LOVE your body". That really got me thinking. I am notorious for being abusive to myself. I always talk about how much I hate myself, and how much I hate my body. I self deprecate like no ones business. If I miss a workout, it's "You stupid lazy b*tch, how do you ever expect to lose weight". If I slip up and binge, it's "Well you're pathetic and you screwed up, you're never going to succeed, better eat some more". It's awful, and it's something that I'm really trying to work on. For years I've said "I'm fat, I'm disgusting, I hate myself". But the truth is, I'm NOT fat. I HAVE fat. There is a big difference. I'm Amy, my name is not Fat. Whether I weigh 237 pounds or 137 pounds, the person that is inside will remain the same, only the exterior will show a change.
I, like a lot of people on this journey, am extremely guilty of turning this into a numbers game. I obsess over the scale. I obsess over every weigh in. I obsess over the numbers. I obsess over it all! If I step on the scale and don't see a loss after a week of being perfect, the first thing on my mind is "Great, you screwed up, you fat ass. Why are you even still trying?" NO! That is NOT okay anymore. I need to think more about the HEALTH aspect of this all. Okay, so maybe I weighed in and didn't lose! But how do I feel (hello inner Dr. Phil)? Do I feel stronger? Do I feel more in control? Does my skin look brighter? SCREW that scale. SCREW the obsession. SCREW the self hatred. It has to end! I have put my body through hell and back, and yet it still carries on! It still stays strong through my repeated weight loss attempts. It stands by while I take off weight (and unfortunately sometimes put it back on, very quickly). It carries me through my workouts. It allows me to continue trying. How can I hate it for that? In reality, I guess I DON'T hate my body. I simply HATE what I've done TO it. My body was just the innocent bystander, I am the one who "destroyed" it. And in the same sense, I am the ONLY one who can fix it again.
TAKE BACK YOUR POWER sparkles. YOU are the one in control of your food. YOU are the one who chooses whether or not you are going to work out each day. YOU are the one who has to choose between eating that bag of chips or saying NO. YOU have the power inside you, but you have to reclaim it!! And THAT is what I am determined to do!! TAKE BACK MY POWER.
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