Wednesday, November 05, 2014
Hello my Fellow Sparkies,
Well where do I start. Let's just say things haven't been going so great. Firstly on the exercise front things have been going downhill since last week Friday. On Friday I did my TurboJam but then when I went to wake my DH for our 3rd day of week 4 of the 5k Rookie Your Way training program he was't having it. I said o.k. I'll let him slide we'll just do it tomorrow. THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!! And it hasn't happened since. On Saturday I woke up late and decided to reschedule to Monday morning because Sunday mornings are just not feasible for us. Then Tuesday morning it was the same thing and this morning it was the same thing AGAIN. To be honest since Sunday I have been going to bed at the earliest 12 midnight because of some work that I had to do for school that was due today so it was no surprise that when the alarm went off at 4 a.m. in the mornings I turned it off. Still it meant that I did my Turbo Jams in the evenings on Monday and yesterday and missed today which I will explain below and we are WAY behind on our running program. With the running I think we may just have to redo week 4 for the rest of this week and then start week 5 on Monday.
Now on the food front, today especially was HORRID. I amazed myself yet again with how much I do not learn from my mistakes. So anyway I was coming back from school today at about 1 p.m. planning to come home, eat my pre-exercise meal and do my Turbo Jam. While thinking about this I decided you know maybe a little down time before I jump into it will be good so maybe I'll buy a little cheese snack to eat with my pre-exercise meal because I can spare the calories. So upon passing the man who sells these little snacks in a little stall right at the beginning of one of the roads that I have to walk to go home (IKR) I decided to stop and buy one.
I bought said snack, looking at the 200 calorie "price" tag on the back and when my conscience tried to talk me out of where it knew I was headed, said my calorie budget can afford this today, plus I haven't had one of these snacks in sooooo long. Next I came home and decided DESPITE what I said in my last blog to eat this snack WHILE WATCHING the last part of a Top Chef episode that I had started Sunday evening. My conscience started again and I said "Oh I'll just eat this snack, my pre-exercise meal and get into my workout and to prove it I'll even put on my workout gear." So yep went ahead did all that sat in front of my laptop and started with my Top Chef and snack. Before I knew it the snack was done and I wanted more. I didn't have any more though because I only bought one so I decided I could afford another biscuit that I have as a snack. After having that the binge monster was just let loose and despite my conscience trying everything (including trying to remember quotes) to reign him back in I ate what I presume to be (I haven't tracked it yet) about 3000-4000 calories worth of food. Suffice it to say my workout gear also came right back off because there was no way I could jump around with so much food in my stomach and the sick feeling that accompanied it.
So yep that's where I am now folks, struggling to understand why I make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again. Struggling to not feel like a total failure. Struggling to not feel like I'll be 'fat' forever.Struggling to not think why bother. Struggling to not think "Just give up!!" Struggling to not feel like I'll NEVER reach my goals.
I know if I was reading this blog on one of your pages I'd not be thinking any of the above about any of you but I can't help but think it about myself. I feel TRAPPED in what seems like a never ending cycle of lose 10-15 lbs, gain it back, lose 10-15 lbs, gain it back. I think if I check I've been doing this for about 2 years now and I just can't seem to get where I want to go.
Anyway I'll try to put this behind me. I'll try to push again. I'll try to think I'll do it this time around. You KNOW what though, enough, none of this try business!! I can hear and feel the defeatist attitude in all of this. I'm gonna brush myself off and go full force again from NOW leading into tomorrow. As I said my DH and I will just do week 4 again this week and start week 5 next week and I can make up missing today's Turbo Jam on Saturday. On the food front I WILL not fall into this trap again. I'm gonna truly get that streak going. I'm going to stop with the excuses to eat CRAP and make the choices that are best for my body and best for my goals and peace of mind. I"m GOING to do this (in Home Depot's commercial voice)!!
I would say for the LAST time I'm going to do this but honestly I need to remember that I'm not perfect and more often than not that has been my downfall. I think saying, "Oh I'm hitting reset or I'm starting over" is just setting myself up for an all or nothing mentality which is the LAST thing I need. I wiil not be perfect but I will get to goal by the hook or the crook.
Sorry for the length of the blog I just really needed to let it all out. Thank you for taking the time to read and if you can leave a comment I'd really appreciate it.