Monday, July 28, 2014
Partially to tuck away that last blog, I'm posting another right away that is a little more positive.
What does a reward minus a few gifts equal? More reward.
How can that be? Well, in hard numbers it looks like this:
$20 - $4.50 - $5 - $10.50 = Feeling rewarded
*I spent $4.50 buying a stranger coffee and breakfast, since all he could afford was the free water.
*I spent 2 hours with a dog that was running loose in the streets, and gave a neighborhood kid $5 after he recognized the dog and without hesitation ran down the street to show me where it lived.
*I spent $10.50 on a leash while I was waiting for the owners to call me back since they weren't home, and I was afraid the doggy needed water or treats or to go potty.
They gave me $20 when the dog was finally home. I tried to refuse it, but he insisted. It wasn't until later that I realized it was the perfect dollar amount for the gifts I freely gave to others. And yet, I am still the one who feels bestowed a gift. It may sound cliched or cheesy, but it's true.
Monday, July 28, 2014
The end of the year is gaining on us.... But I've been gaining weight and losing fitness in 2014.
I'm between 290-293, up from my lowest in 2012 of ...I don't even remember what my lowest weight was. :-/ Oh wait! I had shirts made. I know at one point I was 245. The thing is that between 245 and 275, where I hovered while I maintained my -100 pounds for a few years wasn't mentally very difficult for me.
I haven't been at my -100 pounds benchmark for more than a couple months this year. It took awhile for my muscle mass to drop, and I think the increasing body fat % made up for it until I bent down and realized that it's almost as hard to tie my shoes at 292 as it was at 375+, my highest.
And now 292. (Edit: Nope. 298 per scale this a.m.)
It's hard to let that accomplishment, that milestone, go. It's hard not to be able to say to new people that I've lost 100 pounds. 20 pounds make such a difference that I no longer automatically think that I've lost more than 80 pounds because I'm still focused on what I've gained. And guess what? It doesn't make me motivated to go walk. It doesn't assist me in choosing healthy foods, or getting enough sleep, or reducing my stress. Not a big surprise.
That's not how I lost 135 pounds. I need to accept this chapter of my story, and move forward.
I got some workout bras this weekend, to overcome one of the challenges and limits of gaining the weight and decreasing lean muscle. As it turns out, I got them in the same size as the largest bra I own and was wearing - probably at least 1 size too small, because I didn't realize I had stretched out that one.
That's a little bit of a wake-up call.
Before my divorce, I took solace in some Spark Messages I got from women I had admired, so much so that I laminated them. They pop up every once in awhile, hidden in my wallet, in my purse, with receipts... Just, everywhere. I know they're supposed to be private, the messages that come with goodies. But here's one of my favorite.
Another chime in the wake-up alarm. When I wonder why my breathing is so hard or why I'm hurting so much, or why I can't find anything that seems to fit, I remember that I haven't been exercising consistently in a long time. I can't blame other people. I can't cry over not having a workout partner any more. I can't let myself keep having pass after pass after pass on accountability because I work so many hours. All of the 80 pounds I still have lost, those first 80, were from when I was stressed, and working long hours, and unhappy.
I chose to move. I chose to stretch. I chose to live. And I wasn't so much focused on what came before or what was to come, I was just working on feeling better in the now.
That is my goal.
I could be at my previous weight goal by next year with an average loss of 1.5/week.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
This LSU gymnast scores perfect 10s, not just this once, repeatedly.
Do you know how much coordinated muscle it takes to do that? I've never even been a gymnast but I love this video a SparkFriend posted on Facebook. I don't know about you but sometimes I forget that fitness comes in all shapes and sizes.
These thighs? Yeah... They weren't made to be on someone 6 feet tall. They're mine.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Sometimes the universe gives you a swift kick in the pants. There was one tiny loose end still connecting me to my ex-husband... The bank account I opened when I was a teenager- My first bank account. MY account, until I unwittingly, very near the end, added him to it.
I didn't want to give up MY account just because we were divorcing. It had my history attached to it. I wanted the credibility.
So I created a justification (as I see it now, tonight). I left him on it with his agreement that he wouldn't use it, and the overdraft protection that was a debt would be consistently paid, giving him a better chance at a decent credit score. And in the intervening years that he's been living with his girlfriend, I kinda forgot about that aspect.
I procrastinated my way into disregarding it, and ignoring the vulnerability that it left me exposed to. Luckily, nothing really happened. But, speaking through his girlfriend, they stated they were just about to close the account without my permission (MY account), which would freeze all assets, including enough money that I had let accrue in the checking to pay the debt.
So after being incredibly outraged (almost in this order) that she dare try to nose in on my personal financial information; that he felt he had any right to anything I had; that either of them could threaten me with deadlines and theft; that I let myself get into that situation; that I didn't care for this sooner; that I was still engaging in something that I allowed myself to say was for him, allowing myself to indirectly indulge in the co-dependent "altruistic" behavior that I actively sought to escape... It goes on and on. Until, a few hours later, after I paid that debt and moved the rest of the money to my independent account, that I repeated over and over that this was for the best.
And it is.
I don't need to drag around that crap. I don't need it hiding, like a concealed weapon that I could use, or, more likely, have used against me. It doesn't even matter that he lies to her, that he doesn't "remember". He makes his own, twisted reality. And I seek truth. Nothing is more true than that account should be paid and closed.
And I am free of that debt.
As it should be.
I will get lighter every day, until my spirit flies.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
At this moment I sincerely don't know. I think it's Wednesday. Thank goodness I'm surrounded by calendars.
After I saved the blog it said the 18th.
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