_JULEE_   198,771
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_JULEE_'s Recent Blog Entries

Sick, Sicker, Sickest..... :)

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

My hubby has been to the doctor for his (which is way worse than mine) and last night, he was in the ER. Had chest xrays and his bronchitis was not resolved with the meds his previous visit to the doctor. So, today, he is on new meds.

When he came home, I refused to sleep in the same room with him (don't want to get worse) so, I got on the couch, turned on History International and fell asleep. Woke up to the Naked Archaeologist (one of my favorite shows) and

I've got IT again. Don't know if its exactly the same thing that knocked me down starting Christmas Day, but my head really hurts, I've got a nose and throat thing going. It's not real severe, however, and I am so grateful for that.

By the time he's done staying out of work the few days this doctor ordered, Hubby will have missed so many days of work. Kids have had it and gotten over it and now have it again. I haven't worked out in a long time as I devoted workout time before Christmas to making last minute gifts.

I really miss my workouts.

If you're so inclined, I'd appreciate a good thought sent our way.

Have a GREAT Wednesday!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MERRA11 1/7/2010 8:00PM

  Sending you good thoughts and ho[e you and your family recover fast. Just take rest and when you are better think about the exercise.

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09ISMINEDN 1/6/2010 8:32PM

    Julee, so sorry to hear you've all been feeling bad for so long. We have too. I went into the hospital mid November with cellulitis and was in for a week. Then hubby got bronchitis and dd got upper respiratory infection. Then the hubby lost his hearing and was on meds that did no good. Last week the dr. said the hearing loss was due to the brochitis and was an inner ear infection and after a week on meds, he is hearing in one ear and just now a little in the other.
Well it doesn't stop there. DD came home yesterday, was typical route, then went out and played in the snow and appeared to be fine, and woke us up about 2 a.m. She was going both directions, carrying a temp, and pale as a ghost. You guessed it, the flu. So had her to the dr. today and she is cranky, no appetite, hurting and achy and the dr. said she could return to school tomorrow. With meds that make her drowsy and still running back and forth to the bathroom, I don't think she'll be going. Everyone here managed through the holidays but is so sick of being sick and tired.
We are so ready for spring, but like that is a long way off, so I guess we take what comes our way and make the most of it.
Still I remain on my program fully focused and though my schedule has been interrupted carrying for my family and all that, I remember that I am in control of my meals and have to take care of me to be the best I can to the ones I hold dear, my family.
Do take care and I will keep you all in my prayers.
Hugs, Debbie

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CARAGA 1/6/2010 7:02PM

    HUGS Julleeeeee - Sending you good thoughts from our house, I'll be sure non of our cooties are hanging onto those thoughts before they reach you.

Loves.

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ANNIESADVENTURE 1/6/2010 4:13PM

    Hope you are all feeling better soon.
Annie

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KRYANPRINCESS 1/6/2010 1:21PM

    Lots of good thoughts and well wishes being sent your way!! I really hope you and your family feels better soon. To keep going through it is horrible. You'll get better and get back on track! Lots of rest and Lysol!! emoticon emoticon

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BARBARA_G 1/6/2010 12:52PM

    I'm certainly sending good thoughts yours and your families way. I'm so sorry to hear that this is dragging on for so long. It must be incredibly frustrating. I hope the new meds work quickly for your husband so every thing can get back to normal. emoticon
Barbara

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LANSELMI 1/6/2010 12:05PM

    I will definately send happy vibes your way and pray for you and your family. Hope you feel better soon! emoticon

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LADYROSE 1/6/2010 12:04PM

    ALWAYS sending good thoughts your way!!! Feel better and tell Dr Huge to get over IT! :)

Time to fumigate the house, me thinks... nasty bugs hanging out there. ;)

HUGS!

Comment edited on: 1/6/2010 12:05:04 PM

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Scars Heal

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran

I was a pretty good kid for the most part. A little over socialized and invaded by family members and children of my parents' friends, but mostly good. Good grades, tried to do good deeds and be kind. Really needed a lot more time alone, but never got it.

No matter what I did, however, I was never good enough. Didn't matter how much I tried, my dad always found something to yell at me about. When two of my cousins would come and spend weeks at a time with us, he would change into a completely different person. He'd be so damn nice when they were around. Then the minute they left for home, the monster would return.

When I got invited to move up a couple of grades at school. Yell.
When I pushed 484 lbs into the air on the leg press machine at school. Yell.

Then when I did something that was less than good (like a MISTAKE) or when I full on did something bad - OMG it just gave him permission to turn in to a monster.

There were points when I did not believe that God was really everywhere because how could he let things like this happen?

There were points when I chose to do bad because did it really matter? Hell was waiting for me at home anyways. Might as well do whatever I want. Deserve it for change.

There were several times when I full on thought I hated my dad. I may have. Before I left home, there were literally WARS between us. When I finally stood up to him, that was that - no turning back for me. When he'd threaten me, I would threaten back. When he'd raise his hand to me, I wouldn't cower, I'd stand there and tell him "if that's what you've got to do to feel powerful, then by all means, hit me. But I guarantee you, I will do everything in my power to see to it you do not wake up tomorrow." Apparently, my cold gaze said I meant it (at the time, I really did) and I wouldn't get hit.

When I did leave home, I didn't speak to him for YEARS. YEARS. I think my leaving was a huge relief to my mom and sister, too, no more wars! It seems that I was a major trigger, too, because after I left, he calmed down some. He never did treat my sister the way he treated me.

I had nightmares about a huge, strong, scary clown that tried to eat me from the time I was 3 until I finally figured out who the clown was (my dad) at the ripe old age of 24. I learned how to lucid dream during those years and even though I had that nightmare EVERY single night without fail, the clown didn't always win, cuz I'd go back into the dream and kick his teeth in as he was putting me into his mouth or poke his eyes out.

Anything is better than dying in your dream every night.

I felt fine at first out from under the tyrant's thumb. Living away from that small town, there weren't his cronies on every corner to report back to him. I was FREE for the first time in my life and I drank it up like cool water on a 150 degree day. There were a couple of years where I didn't think I would ever be sated with the fine taste of complete personal freedom.

Sometimes, the restlessness that resided within just couldn't be calmed unless I had a little chaos. Like changing schools, jobs or moving.

Then came the time when I chose to do one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

It was the day I started looking inside myself and digging up all the things that hurt so bad I refused to look at and deal with them. The reasons for so many things I did and did not do.

For instance, my desire to have super human strength. And some of the very mean things I did. Sometimes I'd go out - when a man would approach and ask me to dance, I would look him up and down and sneer and say "With you?!?" and laugh. I LOVED aggravating people the point of making them take a swing at me. Then I'd stand there and LAUGH at them. And we won't even delve into the cruel mental cat and mouse games I played with certain people who showed me their vulnerabilities.

The few times I made a connection with a truly kind person during the first five years away from home, I had a hard time believing that someone could be so guile free. I wanted to let go, but had a hard time with it. Trust and betrayal are still huge for me but I step out on faith more often than not anymore.

There were so many people I owed apologies. The ones I knew, I apologized to - even if they still thought of me as Julee the Hated - if they wouldn't speak to me, I wrote them a letter. But most of my targets, I didn't know. So I started doing good deeds for pretty much anyone in need. Still do that one. Doesn't matter if the person asking me for money is already loaded and probably going to stagger into a store and buy more drink. I do not judge. That isn't mine. If I have money, I give it. I wish them the best, say a little prayer for the person before me as well as a past target.

And yes, Karma later delivered to me my payback - had a crazy man stalk me for over 5 years- very scary stuff.

In my quest to resolve my own discord and become a peaceful human being, I discovered that my father was a very broken and abused person himself. Instead of looking within and discovering, he reacted to everything around him, lashed out and caused pain. Tried to control externally instead of the self.

He kept himself wound up so much that his blood pressure skyrocketed. Being on 3 or 4 different blood pressure meds did not help. His bp would be near stroke levels frequently. However, when he would take valium his doctor gave him, his blood pressure would go down (hello, he was RELAXED!). He was facing a forced retirement and refused to take the valium every day because he didn't want to be a 'doper'. We all tried to convince him that no one would say that about him.

That was the one thing that could have saved him and he flat refused it.

In early January 1991, my father's blood pressure situation took it's final toll. He got up and went down in pain. He was rushed to the hospital. An aneurism in his aorta opened up like a zipper and he bled out. He was dead by 1 in the afternoon. He was 50.

His choices took him out. Literally.

Not the fact that my brother was in Iraq (like some of my intellect-impaired relatives who volunteered their unwelcome opinions said) or anything else outside of his SELF.

He chose NOT to learn why he did the things he did; why he had certain self destructive behaviors. He chose not to learn how to relax. He chose NOT to take the meds that helped him relax.

He chose his rage over learning peace and it killed him.

Instead of trying to micro manage every action of every soul around, how about learning how to be satisfied with yourself and letting others learn how to also?

How about nurturing the things your children are naturals at and encouraging learning in things they aren't naturals at.

Screaming at mistakes only fosters fear and creates frozen hearts and minds. Saying I love you and turning around and hitting someone completely destabilizes. It destroys belief and trust, too.

His death only strengthened my resolve to not end up just like him. I had already learned a lot and gained much peace. I dug deeper, looked further and learned even more. I strove to finally and completely remove or resolve those parts of me that were so very toxic.

I've come to a place that I wish he could have gotten to. I am OK with me. I like for the people around me to be who they are and really enjoy the people who let me be who I am even if that's kinda nutty once in a while.

I still want my super human strength back (LOL), but it's because I like being strong and muscular, not because I can hurt someone with it. I am happy and getting healthier every day. I will not let my age, even when I hit 80, to determine anything about the quality of my life. It's only a number.

Here I am, a little over 5 years away from turning the same age he was when he died. I have no anger. I have no resentment. There is finally only sorrow here as I mark this time.

I love you, Dad.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IACTA_ALEA_EST 1/11/2010 7:21PM

    Powerful history and powerful lesson. Glad you are on the side of the healed, and continue to grow.

I found your blog because of lucid dreaming. Im going to see what I can do to reclaim my dreams.

with love and compassion
thank you for your open heart
Alea

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LADYROSE 12/30/2009 10:56AM

    No fair making me cry this early in the day...

emoticon

The more I get to know you, the more amazing you are! I for one am incredibly grateful that you took that time to look within, to know that you ARE a good person (one of the bestest!), that you met Dr. Huge and knew you were worthy of being loved.

Thank you for sharing those bits and pieces of your life with me! And I'm even happier you're sharing them on Spark - hopefully people will get the fact that this process of losing weight is so much more than shedding physical pounds. All the exercise and eating changes will mean absolutely nothing until you get rid of the emotional and mental weight. What happened to us in the past has influenced us and shaped us into the person we are today... but it doesn't mean we have to be that person tomorrow.

You so rock!

Comment edited on: 12/30/2009 11:19:18 AM

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BARBARA_G 12/30/2009 9:43AM

    This is such a sad story. You are one strong woman! Thanks for sharing this. I wish you the very best.
emoticon
Barbara

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 12/30/2009 12:19AM

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry that your dad died at such a young age, and I am sure that he hears you when you say, "I love you, Dad." I wish you the best of luck in reaching all of your health and fitness goals. Have a HAPPY and BLESSED NEW YEAR!

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Resolute

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

This is the time of year when everyone is making their New Years Resolutions. I see folks eating a pound of fudge right up to the day before New Years, then they make these incredibly stringent 'resolutions' that anyone would find really hard to stick to.

I don't make New Years Resolutions. I never have. I am simply resolute. All the time. Not saying that I'm perfect. Far from it. However, I do try to do my best for myself and everyone around me every day. I eat well every day. If I have a cookie or fudge, I try to keep it to one or two pieces and at my next meal, I absolutely INDULGE myself in a very healthy meal. I do examine my own behaviors and tendencies regularly - I catch things BEFORE they have a chance to become a destructive habit. I'm working out regularly (except when I have the creeping crud - getting over it now) and working up to some nice weights. Seriously considering tearing down a low wall in the back and putting all the equipment together in one place because there is too much for one room now. My husband bought me my rings and a dip station/captain's chair for Christmas. I nearly have a full gym now and am able to work the kids out, too.

As for resolutions, I think that if you're so inclined, make them. But remember, you don't have to wait til January 1 to decide to do something good for yourself. Every hour can be a new beginning. If you messed up and ate a whole bowl of M&Ms this morning, make a choice to be very good in the afternoon. That does not mean to deprive yourself of calories!!! Eat something GOOD FOR YOU to give your body fuel to rebound from that sugar junket.

Every day is a new day - if you screwed up yesterday, start over today. Every Monday is a new week. If you messed up all last week, start new today. If you're a sugar addict, WEAN yourself off. If you're on your butt too much, start with something easy like walking and work up. Don't try to run a 5k your first day out and then find yourself injured for a month.

Lastly, there are 11 other months in a year, each with a 1st day. If you let go for days and days, don't give up on yourself and wallow in your misery till next year. May 1st (or any other month) is just as good a time as any to start again.

New Years day is pretty much another day here in my house. We will have a roasted chicken, Calavesas recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detai
l.asp?recipe=846275
and Black eye pea salsa recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detai
l.asp?recipe=436452
for our meal. emoticon Wish each other a healthy and prosperous New Year and enjoy the day.

I hope your New Year is healthy and prosperous, too!

Happy New Year!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MADAMEAJA 12/31/2009 7:11PM

    And I love your comment about eating extra healthy if you over-indulge. Nothing repairs the body faster than eating cleansing foods like greens and other veggies . . .

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BARBARA_G 12/29/2009 12:39PM

    I could not agree with you more. You can make changes any day of the year. There is nothing magical about the New Year. Matter of fact it's crucial to evaluate how you are doing on a very regular basis. And once a year certainly is not enough.

Happy New Year,
Barbara

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LADYROSE 12/29/2009 12:18PM

    WHOO HOO!!!

Amen, sistah!!!

I was reading the best analogy about 'screw ups' - if you get a speeding ticket early in the day, do you disregard every other traffic law after that for the whole day? The whole month? No, you're extra careful afterwards. Why is it any different with food?

Over do it at a meal? No worries, get back on track the next one. Have a crazy day planned and can't get in your "planned" workouts & food? Get back to it the next day.

It's the all or nothing attitude that helps people find an excuse rather than strength in a bowl of M & M's. ;)

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It's ALL in your head...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Recently, I viewed a video online about a 35 year old woman who is a CrossFit Athlete. She said "Your mind wants to quit long before your body ever does."

I had already discovered that about myself when lifting weights one day. My head told me that I couldn't lift more than X and when I said "Let's see just how far we can take this." I lifted 3X (deadlifts). I was sore the next day, but not excessively. I had to know. I didn't settle for a previous limitation, I pushed it. A few days later, I added 10 more lbs to the 3X.

Where this lady's voice kept resounding with me, though, was during my run yesterday. I haven't run more than 2.5 miles in over 10 years. So, there's the first limitation - 3+ miles has NOT been done (see the 'NO' in there?).

The next thing that came to mind was when I did run those 2.5 miles, it took me 36 minutes. At that pace, I will be at this forever. (do you see the negative thought going on there?)

While I was putting my shoes on, I thought back to when I DID run further and faster. I realized that the limiting factors here today weren't my body's ability necessarily. It was all in my head.

For someone who is constantly preaching at my family to never say "I can't" to themselves, it was so funny and sad to face my own "I can't".

So I said it out loud. "I think I can." (I know, you're all being reminded right now of that little train that could. LOL) Sometimes, for your brain to 'hear' you, you must say things out loud. If you're around people, go somewhere to be alone and TELL yourself what you desperately NEED to hear: I CAN

I broke through more than one barrier physically yesterday. I re-found my pace. My hips, legs and feet function best at 5mph and over. 5.5 to 6 is perfect. I caught myself checking my heart rate. Guess what? I had hesitance at high heart rates and wanted to slow down. My body didn't, my legs were loving this. I have much less achiness today than when I run at lower speeds. Hmmm....

I only slowed down when I couldn't draw a long deep breath. And when I did, I only gave myself enough time to get that breath.

I ran 3.17 miles in 40.36 minutes. So much for 2.5 miles making me so sore I couldn't walk the next day.

Be mindful of your self talk. Don't just accept previous limitations. Push them every chance you get.

Yes, You CAN

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYROSE 12/11/2009 11:08AM

    Something I stole from another Sparker's page and put in my sig line:

The BOSS Rules: Train Beyond Our Self-imposed Strength Limitations

It is all in our heads... and this is a beautiful reminder. And I'm laughing at the 'I think I can', the HR & speed thing...

This morning I was doing exactly the same thing! I decided I would do my intervals and increase the speed 1/2 mph each interval. The 4.5 one was horrible. I felt like I was clomping along and that it would never end! 5.0... getting better... 5.5 whoo hoo! I'm a leaf on the wind. .

6.0 came up, I almost chickened out - who am *I* to think I can do that?! I haven't done it before, not for that long! I'm just a fat girl, can't run, can't do anything, blah blah blah...

Whatever - revved it up, started going and it was easier than I thought. My HR shot up to 170 emoticon and I told myself to just make it to the next 30 seconds and then I could slow down if I wanted to... Kept that up till I was at the last minute, and I couldn't back down then - I put my 'blindfold' on and plowed through.

(http://www.youtube
.com/watch?v=XyPkUXGq1S0)
R>YOU totally ROCK!!!

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DEMETERSCO 12/10/2009 1:21PM

    Truly inspirational, Julee - thanks for sharing.
emoticon Mo

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BARBARA_G 12/10/2009 12:57PM

    I'm so proud of you for overcoming this obstacle and managing to run 3.17 miles! And that in 40.36 minutes! Hurray on the weight lifting also!
Yes you can do it!!!
emoticon

Barbara

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TUNI212 12/10/2009 11:57AM

    Nice job on your run! It's so true... I know I talk myself out of things I'm perfectly capable of. Thanks for the reminder this morning! My mantra for today.... "I think I can!"

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BLUEANGELLK 12/10/2009 11:06AM

    Thanks for the positive reminder. No matter what we do, we have to believe we can do it before we actually can. So here's to believing we CAN!

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In dwelling,

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present. --Lao Tzu

Do you have everything you desire? Are you as great as you could be?

I do. I am. My life is EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be. I am who I want to be.

I've gone through the entire spectrum - I had wild times, had a few flings, had one serious young man lay the material world at my feet, experienced numerous personal and professional successes (my favorite was when one of the better restaurants in town at the time offered me their upcoming catering section - ME!), I benched my own weight over 10 years ago and I will again - sooner than you think, had a couple of crazies decide I was the answer to whatever question it was the voices in their heads kept asking. One of them told me she was my biggest 'fan'.

I chose my soul mate over the Bentley and fancy dinners. I chose my children over a career that would have us living in double the house we do now. Although I do still freelance some, I turn work away regularly. I chose a somewhat simple existence with no crazies, no voices, no fans. I chose sneers and slights from people who only a few years ago would have looked at me as their equal. Because I have made the choices I have, many look down at me. The quest for material wealth does not make a person better. It MIGHT make them wealthier, but things don't make you better, happier, wiser.

My great grandmother was born into captivity in Ft. Sill, OK. (Geronimo was also a prisoner there and as a child, she would sit with the other children and listen to his stories.) She always said that everything that you own also owns you and that if you're not careful, you can become a slave to your things and have no life, just a lot of things. How smart is that? And very true.

I am completely satisfied with my choices and have a good life. We are comfortable. Our house is my age and is not absolutely perfect, but the things to be done aren't huge. I will get to them. I WANT to do them myself. I want my home to be of my work - my craftsmanship.

Choices. Everything you do is a choice. Choose well and you will be happy. Happiness is wealth that no one can take away from you.

Choose things that are motivated by or for other people and you will lose yourself over and over. With each small piece of the self lost to another's goals, peace and happiness will erode as well.

Make the right choice for YOURSELF. If you have to try and sell someone else on your choice to feel right or good about it, you need to re-think your choice.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOLMGIRL4 12/2/2009 12:14PM

    I absolutely loved your blog! Words I can take to heart. Thank you!

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LADYROSE 12/2/2009 12:10PM

    Darlin... you never cease to amaze me! I know I haven't known you that long, but WOW there's a lot hiding behind your unassuming exterior.

And I would have loved to meet your grandmother!

So many pearls of wisdom, I don't even know where to start.

Thank you for hurting my brain trying to absorb it all! ;)

HUGS!!!

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BARBARA_G 12/2/2009 11:23AM

    Wise words! I particularly like your great grandmother's saying. It's so true. I'm happy for you that you are fulfilled with your life!!!

I wish you a successful December,
Barbara

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