Thursday, January 21, 2010
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
Friday, January 08, 2010
I recently had the pleasure of viewing one of your television advertisements. I don't watch much TV, but I've been ill lately and on too many days I've only had the energy to read, crochet or watch TV.
Your advertisement shows two apparent mothers, one pouring a sweetened soft drink out of a gallon jug, discussing corn syrup. The first mother snipes "you don't care what your kids eat" while the second one smoothly states "what about corn syrup? That its made from corn and is natural?"
Come on. Like people just aren't eating enough of it? Come on!
Let me first tell you, that I LOVE corn. I think it's in my DNA as I am of the original people. I eat it in one form or another nearly every day. Corn meal mush, grits, organic chips, popcorn. I add corn flour to my bread. I don't have one thing against corn.
But I don't let corn syrup cross my lips more than a couple times a year - usually in something that I myself or someone I know has made - like popcorn balls!
Do you realize that so many people's bodies react to corn syrup like alcohol? Have you any idea how many innocent looking foods contain corn syrup - luncheon meats, breads, even regular old ketchup (btw Organic ketchup usu does not).
Do you even care that the people who must rely on convenience foods or processed foods because of time constraints get big ol' dollops of corn syrup in EVERY SINGLE meal? Plain old sugar at every meal is toxic enough, but sugar-on-steroids corn syrup is probably why so many people are developing diabetes.
Much the way the thyroid goes nuts when it doesn't get enough iodine and the body develops antibodies, so it goes with the pancreas and the storm brought on by corn syrup.
It breaks my heart that so much corn goes to fuel instead of hungry people.
Why don't you convert a lot of that corn syrup you're so proud of into fuel? Seriously, it would do people much more good as fuel instead of food.
Then you wouldn't waste your time and ours on stupid television spots like the one I saw today.
Just my two cents.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
My hubby has been to the doctor for his (which is way worse than mine) and last night, he was in the ER. Had chest xrays and his bronchitis was not resolved with the meds his previous visit to the doctor. So, today, he is on new meds.
When he came home, I refused to sleep in the same room with him (don't want to get worse) so, I got on the couch, turned on History International and fell asleep. Woke up to the Naked Archaeologist (one of my favorite shows) and
I've got IT again. Don't know if its exactly the same thing that knocked me down starting Christmas Day, but my head really hurts, I've got a nose and throat thing going. It's not real severe, however, and I am so grateful for that.
By the time he's done staying out of work the few days this doctor ordered, Hubby will have missed so many days of work. Kids have had it and gotten over it and now have it again. I haven't worked out in a long time as I devoted workout time before Christmas to making last minute gifts.
I really miss my workouts.
If you're so inclined, I'd appreciate a good thought sent our way.
Have a GREAT Wednesday!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran
I was a pretty good kid for the most part. A little over socialized and invaded by family members and children of my parents' friends, but mostly good. Good grades, tried to do good deeds and be kind. Really needed a lot more time alone, but never got it.
No matter what I did, however, I was never good enough. Didn't matter how much I tried, my dad always found something to yell at me about. When two of my cousins would come and spend weeks at a time with us, he would change into a completely different person. He'd be so damn nice when they were around. Then the minute they left for home, the monster would return.
When I got invited to move up a couple of grades at school. Yell.
When I pushed 484 lbs into the air on the leg press machine at school. Yell.
Then when I did something that was less than good (like a MISTAKE) or when I full on did something bad - OMG it just gave him permission to turn in to a monster.
There were points when I did not believe that God was really everywhere because how could he let things like this happen?
There were points when I chose to do bad because did it really matter? Hell was waiting for me at home anyways. Might as well do whatever I want. Deserve it for change.
There were several times when I full on thought I hated my dad. I may have. Before I left home, there were literally WARS between us. When I finally stood up to him, that was that - no turning back for me. When he'd threaten me, I would threaten back. When he'd raise his hand to me, I wouldn't cower, I'd stand there and tell him "if that's what you've got to do to feel powerful, then by all means, hit me. But I guarantee you, I will do everything in my power to see to it you do not wake up tomorrow." Apparently, my cold gaze said I meant it (at the time, I really did) and I wouldn't get hit.
When I did leave home, I didn't speak to him for YEARS. YEARS. I think my leaving was a huge relief to my mom and sister, too, no more wars! It seems that I was a major trigger, too, because after I left, he calmed down some. He never did treat my sister the way he treated me.
I had nightmares about a huge, strong, scary clown that tried to eat me from the time I was 3 until I finally figured out who the clown was (my dad) at the ripe old age of 24. I learned how to lucid dream during those years and even though I had that nightmare EVERY single night without fail, the clown didn't always win, cuz I'd go back into the dream and kick his teeth in as he was putting me into his mouth or poke his eyes out.
Anything is better than dying in your dream every night.
I felt fine at first out from under the tyrant's thumb. Living away from that small town, there weren't his cronies on every corner to report back to him. I was FREE for the first time in my life and I drank it up like cool water on a 150 degree day. There were a couple of years where I didn't think I would ever be sated with the fine taste of complete personal freedom.
Sometimes, the restlessness that resided within just couldn't be calmed unless I had a little chaos. Like changing schools, jobs or moving.
Then came the time when I chose to do one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.
It was the day I started looking inside myself and digging up all the things that hurt so bad I refused to look at and deal with them. The reasons for so many things I did and did not do.
For instance, my desire to have super human strength. And some of the very mean things I did. Sometimes I'd go out - when a man would approach and ask me to dance, I would look him up and down and sneer and say "With you?!?" and laugh. I LOVED aggravating people the point of making them take a swing at me. Then I'd stand there and LAUGH at them. And we won't even delve into the cruel mental cat and mouse games I played with certain people who showed me their vulnerabilities.
The few times I made a connection with a truly kind person during the first five years away from home, I had a hard time believing that someone could be so guile free. I wanted to let go, but had a hard time with it. Trust and betrayal are still huge for me but I step out on faith more often than not anymore.
There were so many people I owed apologies. The ones I knew, I apologized to - even if they still thought of me as Julee the Hated - if they wouldn't speak to me, I wrote them a letter. But most of my targets, I didn't know. So I started doing good deeds for pretty much anyone in need. Still do that one. Doesn't matter if the person asking me for money is already loaded and probably going to stagger into a store and buy more drink. I do not judge. That isn't mine. If I have money, I give it. I wish them the best, say a little prayer for the person before me as well as a past target.
And yes, Karma later delivered to me my payback - had a crazy man stalk me for over 5 years- very scary stuff.
In my quest to resolve my own discord and become a peaceful human being, I discovered that my father was a very broken and abused person himself. Instead of looking within and discovering, he reacted to everything around him, lashed out and caused pain. Tried to control externally instead of the self.
He kept himself wound up so much that his blood pressure skyrocketed. Being on 3 or 4 different blood pressure meds did not help. His bp would be near stroke levels frequently. However, when he would take valium his doctor gave him, his blood pressure would go down (hello, he was RELAXED!). He was facing a forced retirement and refused to take the valium every day because he didn't want to be a 'doper'. We all tried to convince him that no one would say that about him.
That was the one thing that could have saved him and he flat refused it.
In early January 1991, my father's blood pressure situation took it's final toll. He got up and went down in pain. He was rushed to the hospital. An aneurism in his aorta opened up like a zipper and he bled out. He was dead by 1 in the afternoon. He was 50.
His choices took him out. Literally.
Not the fact that my brother was in Iraq (like some of my intellect-impaired relatives who volunteered their unwelcome opinions said) or anything else outside of his SELF.
He chose NOT to learn why he did the things he did; why he had certain self destructive behaviors. He chose not to learn how to relax. He chose NOT to take the meds that helped him relax.
He chose his rage over learning peace and it killed him.
Instead of trying to micro manage every action of every soul around, how about learning how to be satisfied with yourself and letting others learn how to also?
How about nurturing the things your children are naturals at and encouraging learning in things they aren't naturals at.
Screaming at mistakes only fosters fear and creates frozen hearts and minds. Saying I love you and turning around and hitting someone completely destabilizes. It destroys belief and trust, too.
His death only strengthened my resolve to not end up just like him. I had already learned a lot and gained much peace. I dug deeper, looked further and learned even more. I strove to finally and completely remove or resolve those parts of me that were so very toxic.
I've come to a place that I wish he could have gotten to. I am OK with me. I like for the people around me to be who they are and really enjoy the people who let me be who I am even if that's kinda nutty once in a while.
I still want my super human strength back (LOL), but it's because I like being strong and muscular, not because I can hurt someone with it. I am happy and getting healthier every day. I will not let my age, even when I hit 80, to determine anything about the quality of my life. It's only a number.
Here I am, a little over 5 years away from turning the same age he was when he died. I have no anger. I have no resentment. There is finally only sorrow here as I mark this time.
I love you, Dad.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
This is the time of year when everyone is making their New Years Resolutions. I see folks eating a pound of fudge right up to the day before New Years, then they make these incredibly stringent 'resolutions' that anyone would find really hard to stick to.
I don't make New Years Resolutions. I never have. I am simply resolute. All the time. Not saying that I'm perfect. Far from it. However, I do try to do my best for myself and everyone around me every day. I eat well every day. If I have a cookie or fudge, I try to keep it to one or two pieces and at my next meal, I absolutely INDULGE myself in a very healthy meal. I do examine my own behaviors and tendencies regularly - I catch things BEFORE they have a chance to become a destructive habit. I'm working out regularly (except when I have the creeping crud - getting over it now) and working up to some nice weights. Seriously considering tearing down a low wall in the back and putting all the equipment together in one place because there is too much for one room now. My husband bought me my rings and a dip station/captain's chair for Christmas. I nearly have a full gym now and am able to work the kids out, too.
As for resolutions, I think that if you're so inclined, make them. But remember, you don't have to wait til January 1 to decide to do something good for yourself. Every hour can be a new beginning. If you messed up and ate a whole bowl of M&Ms this morning, make a choice to be very good in the afternoon. That does not mean to deprive yourself of calories!!! Eat something GOOD FOR YOU to give your body fuel to rebound from that sugar junket.
Every day is a new day - if you screwed up yesterday, start over today. Every Monday is a new week. If you messed up all last week, start new today. If you're a sugar addict, WEAN yourself off. If you're on your butt too much, start with something easy like walking and work up. Don't try to run a 5k your first day out and then find yourself injured for a month.
Lastly, there are 11 other months in a year, each with a 1st day. If you let go for days and days, don't give up on yourself and wallow in your misery till next year. May 1st (or any other month) is just as good a time as any to start again.
New Years day is pretty much another day here in my house. We will have a roasted chicken, Calavesas recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detai
l.asp?recipe=846275 and Black eye pea salsa recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detai
l.asp?recipe=436452 for our meal. Wish each other a healthy and prosperous New Year and enjoy the day.
I hope your New Year is healthy and prosperous, too!
Happy New Year!
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