Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
... Read more
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that ... Read more
Red Skeleton's Tips For A Happy Marriage (Remember Him?)
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I... Read more
A Cat in Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a... Read more
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the cha... Read more
Men(!) and Football
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right m... Read more
Marriage Quotes (Just For Fun)
-- At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
-- A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hun... Read more
A One-Wish Genie
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold 'a genie' appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are ... Read more
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.
A couple of days later her niece was surprised... Read more
My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything i... Read more
A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."Good morning," said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to dem... Read more
Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the Englis... Read more
In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.
I felt vindicated when a woman kept c... Read more
My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.
While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little bo... Read more
Performance Review Terms
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Gets to work on time.
Sleeps at desk.
EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER:
Screws up often.
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY:
Too ugly to get a date.
N... Read more
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