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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' r... Read more
You Are What You Eat
Two friends went out to dinner. They were reading through the menu
when one friend remarked to the other that scientist say we are what we eat.
The other friend replied, "I don't know if that's true, but let's err on the side
of caut... Read more
English professors love to catch the errors students make in their term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch mixed metaphors. The "friends and survivors" of Calvin College English department collected this list of mixed metaphors a... Read more
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"
"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on... Read more
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him... Read more
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist w... Read more
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on o... Read more
Good Night, Good Bye
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-b... Read more
Little League Conference
Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference.
"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't t... Read more
Happy as a Clam
Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.
... Read more
PMS and Lightbulbs
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They wo... Read more
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up the the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!'" The tea... Read more
You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
- If you have more toys than you... Read more
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The... Read more
Remember you make a difference. ~ Noah benShea
1. Being broke is not the same as being broken, losing money is not the same as being lost, and finding your balance is not something you can do on a balance sheet.
2. Don't confuse having less with being less, having more with being more, ... Read more