Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yo... Read more
Twelve-step jargon has seeped into the language. I was trying to get my son to do his homework. "What's the assignment?" I asked.
"Write a paper on a national leader," he answered.
I pressed, "And what's the first step?"
"Admittin... Read more
- Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
- Still boots to DOS.
- Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
- Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
- Stuck on the down escalator... Read more
A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the ps... Read more
A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is... Read more
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a ... Read more
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except th... Read more
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?"
"Yes", the boy replied.
"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one... Read more
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the p... Read more
*The water-proof towel
*Glow in the dark sunglasses
*Solar powered flashlights
*Submarine screen doors
*A book on how to read
*Inflatable dart boards
*A dictionary index
*Dehydrated water - Just add wate... Read more
- Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
- Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?
- If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
- If we make sweaters out of a... Read more
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence ... Read more
These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)
- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
- The hotel ... Read more
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck:... Read more