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late nite funnies - 9/9
Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody. -Jay Leno
Tim Ro... Read more
Dear Dr. Laura:
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura,... Read more
At the lawyer's office...
A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees."
"Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?"
"Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a... Read more
Letter from Maw
Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin‚ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you he... Read more
President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there’s talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution. -Jay Leno
Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama... Read more
How to Stay Young
1. Try everything twice. On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouch... Read more
Late Night 9/4
Ben Affleck is the new Batman. And Miley Cyrus is apparently the new Lindsay Lohan. -Jay Leno
People are still talking about that over-the-top Miley Cyrus performance at the VMAs last Sunday. Why couldn’t Kanye West interrupt that? -Jay Len... Read more
The Man's Rules
So it's about time we laid down some rules. These are our rules! Please note, these are all numbered "1" on purpose!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need i... Read more
WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE IN?
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask... Read more
WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this…..that fly never knew what hit him.... Read more
Never Lie to Your Mother
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had on... Read more
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. -Jon Stewart (classic quote)
If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability a... Read more
Toying With the Telemarketer
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …
ME: Is th... Read more
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained,
“We didn’t have this green thi... Read more
So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he’s OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker. -David Letterman
Doctors told him to avoid any hea... Read more