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  Week of 4/22/2010 - Featured Board Post

Hope
ERNURSERN



I know when I am down reading about someone who is doing good AT THAT moment always helps me....I hope that this gives someone HOPE!!

One of the girls at work brought me a pair of jeans that didn't fit her anymore...I took them out of the bag and thought to myself " these are cute...I will save these and try and get in them someday...."....I decided to try them on KNOWING that they were not going to fit...I put one leg in and hmmm it fit...put the other leg in and thought " well my legs are thinner but I will NEVER be able to pull them up...." But I tried anyway...hmmm got them up....BUT I KNEW I COULD NEVER button them....but I tried anyway.... and they buttoned!!! AND ZIPPED!!! I cried...seriously..I cried...

When I started this journey I was a size 26....a good fitting 26... My life seemed so hopeless sometimes...I was anxious..I would wake up and panic...I felt like I was going to die...and I REALLY believed that was possible...I was angry, hopeless and tired...when I thought of losing weight I would get really tired...almost like it was just TOO much to think about...it was such an insurmountable obstacle that I decided I couldn't even START , let alone make any progress.... I felt like people were always looking at me thinking "How did she let herself get that way"... I felt sloppy....things were not good ...

Then I started to think...here I am.....there are good things about me...I have accomplished so much...lived through things that others may not have had the constitution to make it through....I went to nursing school and graduated...got a great job right after nursing school...I learned sign language and can interpret pretty well...I had a baby and raised him alone until he was 8...I adopted 2 boys and raised them alone for a year...I bought a house and kept it going pretty well for years ...I became an ER nurse which is something I have always wanted to do...I lived through a VERY painful divorce...I trusted again and married the man that I believe is my soul mate (finally)....together we bought a house that we both love and combined 2 families and 6 kids and became a functioning, loving, fun family....and yet here I am , unhealthy, not active, anxious and a size 26....

And then the bottom fell out of my world...the man I love, who I would die for if I was asked to, was diagnosed with kidney failure...he was going to have to start dialysis....he was scared and I knew it...he would never admit it but he was....he started getting sicker and sicker...he couldn't breathe when he walked, he was full of fluid and he gagged because he had so much fluid around his belly...they finally put a catheter in his neck and started him on dialysis...he started to feel better almost right away....ok a REPRIEVE ....we went to the transplant center to meet with the coordinator of the kidney transplant program...she said that cadaver kidneys take 3-6 years to get...I asked if I could donate and she told me yes, BUT, I needed to lose weight BEFORE they could EVEN test me...

I remember when we got home I started to think about all of the things that my weight was holding me back from...I thought about the fact that my husband, my rock, was sick and could potentially die...I thought about the fact that because of my weight MY chances of dying of some awful medical condition was a REAL possibility....My fear of the work it would take to lose weight was suddenly becoming SMALLER while my DETERMINATION to become healthier and perhaps become a donor for my husband started to GROW....

That was the start...and I haven't looked back ...Have I been perfect at this? NO...have I eaten EVERYTHING that was healthy and not TOUCHED something I shouldn't? NO....have I exercised faithfully EVERYDAY? NO....What have I done? I have been consistent on SparkPeople, logging in, keeping track of my points, checking in with my teams, blogging, doing trivia...this has been key for me...2nd and equally as important: I haven't given up....when I don't eat well one day, I jump back in the next day or the day after or the day after that...when I DON'T exercise one day , I DO it the next day....

My loss has been slow...but I haven't GAINED weight in 16 months...NEVER EVER in my life has that happened....I am NEVER going to be the person I was...she wasn't a bad person...she was just lost...and NOW SHE IS FOUND!!! (And I found her in a size 18 jeans yesterday!!)....



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