I was thinking about how I wanted to have pictures so I can look back at where I came from. But then I thought: "How did I get there?" As I was running today (my first 3 minutes straight ever), I felt like I couldn't do it. I started talking myself out of running. "I can't do this, I've never been able to do this. I'm too tired. I hurt too much." Then I thought to myself "What hurts exactly?" My knees? Yes, they do hurt, but no more than they did last week. I can't breathe? Yes, my breathing is labored, but all in all I am still breathing at a quite regular pace. I was ruining it for myself. I was trying to count seconds, I was giving up on myself. That was when the light went off. I was in denial. I was denying that I had worked up to this point. I CAN do this- there is no real reason why not.
After I pushed through that run, I began thinking. I got here because of denial. I was in denial about my weight. I would compare myself to others and say: "It's not so bad" or "I'm just having a bad day." When it came to the foods I would eat I would think "I don't know how to cook healthy." or "This one burger isn't going to hurt me." "I will quit smoking when I'm ready, I still have time." and "My habit isn't so bad, I've seen worse." I have been in denial a long time. Well now I see myself. Overweight, but getting skinnier, and unhealthy, but getting healthier.
I KNOW what brought me here and now I know I am not going to DENY myself the right to be the Jodi Ann I want to be anymore.
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