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I was going to get up early to go running, but my toes voted against me 10 to 1.

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I learned about stress management from my kids. Every night after work, I drink as much chocolate milk as my stomach will hold, eat handfuls of sugary cereal straight from the box, then run around the house in my underwear squealing like a monkey. I did a 30-0minute workout today: 15 minutes looking for my sneakers, 10 minutes looking for my sweat pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill. Snow White was poisoned by an apple, Jack found a giant in his beanstalk, and look what happened to Alice when she ate the mushroom! And you wonder why I won't eat fruit and vegetables?! Lose some weight, quit smoking, move around more, and eat the carrot. You've got a Hi-Def, surround-sound home theater system, Blu-ray player, satellite TV with 500 channels… and you'd rather watch me chase a stick???
Salad isn't covered by my HMO. The only diet shake I recommend is the shake your booty makes when you exercise. They say kids these days are overweight because we don't get enough vigorous exercise. Maybe we should chew faster! My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. Today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants. Of course your arteries are clear. For 25 years, I've been adding a drop of drain cleaner to your morning coffee.
A vegetarian diet is good for stress. If you crunch loud enough, you can't hear your kids bicker during dinner. LDL stands for Lousy Darn Lipos and HDL stands for Hunky Dory Lipos.

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